Recycling - Review:- 02.12.2013

One picture is worth a thousand words.

Better yet, how about a sound effect?

An hour-long episode to accommodate Robbie Williams at the Paladium on Friday night, taking advantage of the fact that Corrie's second instalment tonight was ditched in favour of I'm a Celebrity.

But tonight's episode only served to prove how weak the show still is at the moment. When the highlight of the first hour was Peter Beale and Lola (and the beginning of that was embarrassing) and the highlight of the second was the appearance of Terry's ex-wife, who was, as Bianca described her, a Sam Mitchell clone, then something's still terribly wrong with the show - chief amongst the problems being a preponderance of extremely unlikeable characters.

And for the record, EastEnders, the babyswap happened. Your then-executive producer signed off on it. It was your Class-A cock-up. Now own it.

You failed on owning your own fuck-up by trivialising a traumatic storyline just to redeem an actress, who needed a bit more regular work than Pleasant Valley had to offer, in order to assauge her ego and help contribute to her children's school fees and also just to pander to the calibre of viewer who reckons that if a psychopathic bully is pretty, she's a heroine.

When I read, again and again, how many people reckon being dumped at the altar is a far worse crime than kidnapping someone's child, dumping a dead child's body in its place and parading the baby in front of his parents for four months, then showing absolutely no remorse, I have to laugh at the stupidity of person who is supposed to be the future of this country. 

The people who enjoy the Mitchells, all of whom have done far, far worse than what Alfie did to Kat thuggishly victimising the Moons out of spite and a childish attitude for revenge, are exactly the type of people who enjoy seeing the weak be harassed by the brutish.

Just to refresh our minds of Mitchell mishaps:-

• Phil stole money from Roxy and then set her mother up as the thief, that's after having slept with Glenda, who was his aunt.
• Phil betrayed Sharon's trust and told Dennis Rickman what Jonnie Allen had said and done to her.
• Phil started the fire in 2010, which levelled the Vic.
• Ronnie lied about Damien assaulting her.
• Ronnie egged Sean on in order to get him to hit her, hoping to sway Roxy away from Sean.
• Ronnie broke up a marriage, just because she thought she was entitled to Joel, the father of Danielle. When she found out he'd had a vasectomy, she dumped him.
• Ronnie bullied Sam Mitchell into lying about Richard's paternity, not giving a rat's arse about breaking up Ricky's and Bianca's marriage. At that time, Bianca was her niece.
• Ronnie lied to Sam Mitchell and bribed her into leaving Walford with her son, then lied to Jack about why Sam left.
• Ronnie kidnapped a baby and left her dead one in its place.
• Roxy trashed Jack Branning's flat and subsequently slept with him, knowing Ronnie was interested in him.
• Roxy lied to Sean about Amy being his daughter.
• Roxy has never divorced Sean, so Roxy was committing bigamy.

So the Mitchells have no right takiing the moral high ground over the Moons on this score. It's just petty high school thuggery. In Phil, it's just pathetic, considering he doesn't give two figs about either of these retconned peroxide blondes; in Ronnie, the plastic-faced walking nostril with hair like a hedge row, it's pathetic and disgusting.

This episode was weak. It's fitting that it begins the last week of Lorraine Newman's tenure.

The Decimation of the Newman Negroes.

In the first half of the hour, Ava had a job interview. I assume it was for the role of Black Marge Simpson, because she certainly had a Marge pineapple hair-do.

Hang on, a job interview? Ava's never at work at the best of times, and judging by the second half hour, where she isn't working, but cleaning up the flat, one assumes her contract had been terminated at Walford Primary, because she certainly has enough days off - when teachers, apart from being ill, aren't allowed time off unless it's for training purposes, until the organised school holidays.

Clare Perkins actually sucks. She has a voice like chalk grating on a blackboard, and you can add the Ava-Dexter dynamic as another creepy familial relationship developing on the Square. I wouldn't be surprised if Ava has yet to wean Dexter. The pathetic 21st birthday party was an example of this - Dexter is, ostensibly, a man. It looks as though he thinks his mother is a man as well, the amount of times he refers to her as "Mum man." (Well, I've always thought she looked like a man in drag. Who, at twenty-one, wants a family party with your parents hanging around?

Now that she's leaving, it seems Ava has forgotten the man and woman who raised and parented her and now seeks guidance from the drunken old trout who was too far gone in drink to attend her newly-found grandson's major birthday. However, this doesn't stop her offering Max's hospitality to Dexter, inviting him, without previously consulting Max, to live at the Branning house.

There you go .. I was right. Dexter, upon departure of the Magic Negro, will morph into Black Bradley ...

I will praise Phil Mitchell, however, for basically telling Ava to "do one" when she came skulking around the Arches wanting to "talk" to Dexter. Of course, Ava's taking it on her predominant chin, hiding the fact from her baby boy that Daddy Dearest only wanted to make a connection because of a bodily organ.

The inadvertantly comic piece of this situation was the sight of Ava the Rava running down the street, screeching after Dexter.

She won't be missed, and I only wish Black Bradley was going with her.

Blonde Bradley and Stacey.

Please, can Poppy just go now?

Her incessant attempts at match-making are boring, and she's essentially a shallow character and, really, an insult to young women of the 21st Century. Hooking Fatboy into the initiative only provided another poor romcom escapade that became the signature piece of Newman's EastEnders - the sight of Peter shouldering an astonished Lola to take her around the corner and kiss her. All the clever camera shots in Hollywood, including the overhead shot of  ...the kiss ...

could save the romcom rubbish that surrounded the vignette, dialogue included. As appealing as Peter and Lola are, and we have a soupcon of what was to come, when Ian referred to Lola as a "chav," prompting Peter to scam him with the minced pies, they deserve better than dross like this.

Still, it was nice to learn that Shirley and Tina, two more entitled marmite characters, are annoying Lola to the point that she refers to them as "the gruesome twosome."

Manc and Skank Stax.

Yet another storyline featuring ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.

This time, this is a Stax redux, or a Tanya-Max-Rachel redux, however you want to view it. I suppose, since we watched Stax unfold on the screen, with socially ambitious Tanya befriending Stacey and Max doing the obvious dipping, this has to be this EP's version of Stax - or rather, Manc and Skank Stax.

The way both these two characters look, prompt a reminder of an okd Gary Puckett song from the Sixties ...

Because Jake looks and sounds like a perv, and Lauren is being dressed and styled like a schoolgirl. Even scrubbed up, Jamie Lomas looks like he needs a bath.

I'm wondering if TPTB are pushing the viewer to root for Lauren and Jake in this instance, unlike the Stax scenario, where both Yummy Mummy and and Saint Stacey were both presented as victims, whilst Max was the Big Bad Wolf.

(Hmmmmm ... come to think of it, Tanya's attempted murder of Max is another crime that's been swept under the carpet, with the worst thing Max ever having done is now marrying a woman after Tanya divorced him).

I would think we are being asked to root for these star-crossed lovers because (a) Jossa was Newman's go-to girl and (b) Sadie is now being presented as somewhat of a conrtolling bit of a bitch. There's a touch of Mad May about her, I sense.

Whatever it is, it isn't working. Lomas might be Mr Soap Opera with his Hollyoaks' credentials, his Emmerdale sister and his Corrie ex, but he doesn't fit EastEnders. Besides, he and Jossa have no sexual chemistry whatsoever. Also, remember all those clandestine broad daylight trysts in Max's ageing Merc in front of Walford East station that Stax used to enjoy? I mean, that's right off the Square. People come and go there all the time, yet they were never seen.

Today, we had Lauren shouting the odds at Jake about why he wouldn't see her right in front of Ian Beale's house. Didn't that rouse Ian's suspicions? Was he aware that they were even acquainted and, if so, why was Lauren in such an agitated state? Even though Jake plays the noble horse-mouthed beast at first in evading Lauren and telling her that he loved his wife, all it takes is her help in Scarlett's kitchen for him to run to her, eating her face.

This should be an epiphany story for Lauren, who always sat in moral judgement of Max and his amoral forays. It should be intended for her to discover that she's really no better or worse than either of her parents. Her mother was a homewrecker; she inherited that propensity along with her alcoholism, from her putrid mother. And as Kate Magowan is leaving, and Lardy Lomas is sticking around, unfortunately, we'll be seeing a lot more of this godawful couple.

Nightmare on Albert Square.

OK, I have to admit it. I have a sneaking liking for Terry Spraggan. He might not be perfect - and Nikki's last line tonight implied that he was prone to impulsive romances and moved from woman to woman, which - of course - left Bianca gobsmacked.

I actually like the dynamic of friendship developing between Terry and Alfie, the way Terry isn't judgemental of Alfie, after that escapade with Roxy, and the easy banter between them. A Terry-Bianca-Alfie-Kat friendship looks good, although I'm not too fond of either of Terry's kids, especially the girl, who comes across as a childish version of Heather - if there can be such a thing.

I also liked Nikki, and I hope she becomes a recurrent character as she's an airline hostess, and - based on something one of his kids said about starting new schools being something to which they were accustomed, gives you pause for thought that they and Terry have moved around a lot. Now we know why. I do agree with Bianca that she reminds one immensely of Sam Mitchell - or, as Bianca describes her, "that trout pout Sam Mitchell." At least, she knew how to put Bianca in her place. The lunch, with David roped in as mediator, was one of the few good things about this episode, and you actually got a suspicion that, given other circumstances, David would have really fancied Nikki.

I'm also convinced that Bianca wearing Elizabeth Walton braids in an effort to make her look a lot younger than her father, who looks more like her contemporary than her parent.

Overgrown Children.

Plus

Equals

I find it preposterous that people like Cora-the-Bora are sympathising with Roxy the Overgrown Child. She's actually treated like a child because her behaviour is that of a spoiled child. She sulks around the Square, feeling sorry for herself, until Phil comes along and pushes a wodge of money her way, telling her to treat herself, shopping.

Roxy's always been indulged, especially by Ronnie, and it's resulted in her never growing up. The problem is that puerile behaviour looks stupid on someone pushing forty, and why ... why do the Mitchell women always think it "kewl" to dance on tables. Sam Mitchell did it when she returned home after jumping bail. Ronnie and Roxy did it, harkening Eye-bee-tha at the hen do, and Roxy jumped at the chance to shake her drunken booty again tonight, and promptly fell off the table. Did my eyes deceive me, or did big bad Phil and Alfie just stand there, not attempting to touch the overgrown child, but she only fell when the Nostril reached out to her?

This is Roxy's forte - she always recognises Ronnie's control element of her, yet when Ronnie's around, when Roxy protests this, you know that the minute Ronnie leaves her to her own devices, Roxy falls apart. This is what Ronnie wants.

And Roxy only adds to her stupidity and her self-pity by reacting in this way. What would getting drunk in front of Alfie prove? It only proves that she's pathetic, and I'm saying that as someone who actually likes Roxy. The sight of those two cackling at the bar and making snide remarks wondering how long it would be before Kat cheated on Alfie, was cheap and despicable - especially since both of them have cheated, themselves - Ronnie in breaking up Joel's marriage and Roxy when she slept with Jack.

Here's a point to ponder: Alfie loved Roxy - not as much as he loves Kat, but he could have happily settled with Roxy, as long as Kat was gone and Ronnie never returned. But I don't think Roxy really loved Alfie. She was fond of him, yes; but she even told Ronnie that Sean was the love of her life, and I do think she convinced herself that she loved Alfie after being knocked back by Max Branning - he called her "hamburger" compared to Tanya's "sirloin," I believe - and, being lonely, she responded to his kindness.

How long would it be before Roxy got bored and cheated on him? He just dumped her first.

The Mitchells are hypocrites, none moreso than that Plastic-Faced bitch who shows not one iota of humility and shame for having committed a heinous crime. 

Weak episode.