The Lump (Again) - Review: 13.12.2013

At long last, we have the much-awaited interview from Dominic Treadwell-Collins, imparting his vision of EastEnders. First of all, he says that he's bringing EastEnders into the 21st Century - well, that's about almost fourteen years too late, but who's counting? If he's doing that, does that mean we're going to see some Eastern European characters, some Somalis, a few Chinese for good measure, and will they be as insulting a racial stereotype as the pathetic Dexter, who seems to be hanging about the place like a bad smell?

Another thing DTC promised was that there would be no re-hashing of past-told storylines.

Well ...

Already we have a thrice-told tale in Lauren's involvement with Jake the Peg - thrice-told because it's Max's backstory with Tanya and it's Stax re-done. We're about to have a chav version of Archie Mitchell (played by an award-winning Shakespearian actor) with cut-priced Ronnie and Roxy aged by about twenty years and strutting their stuff about the Square. 

And we have the lump.

Let's count the lumps we've had in the past (not counting Nigel, Barry or Heather). The first big lump was Peggy ...

Then Sam (Kim Medcalf's Sam, not Daniella Westbrooke's) found a lump. Back around 2007 or so, post-Stella anyway, Shirley had a lump. Most recently, Lucy Beale found one, but it could have been her nipple. Now, Carol's in line for the lump saga.

It's a rehash of a storyline, but like Peggy when she fronted this, Carol is the right age for breast cancer. Most women are post menopausal. Let's hope this is a better-crafted and better enacted storyline than the cancer cold Tanya suffered a couple of years back, which was effected as much to get people liking an atrocious character again as it was doling out information about a type of cancer which affects sexually promiscuous young women.

And, please, the next time there's a cancer storyline, why not have Phil or Alfie or Ian or David having trouble going to the loo and let's emphasise the prostate.

Le Lump.

This entire episode was played against the backdrop of what should have been a frightful and shocking climax at the end - Carol finding a lump in her breast. Instead, thanks to the spoiler culture, the audience knew that what appeared to be a bad day for the usually bad-tempered Carol, was simply the fact that she was going around, harbouring this most serious of secrets and being taken advantage of by her family and her employer. (I won't say "friends," because Carol, like so many various women in the Square at the moment, has no friends).

First of all, she's asked to work an eight-hour shift in the cafe - is she part-time or full-time, I wonder, because full-time usually entails an eight-hour shift. If that isn't enough, she has Joey going on about visiting wimpish Alice and then Lucy Beale being rude (something that called for a smack across the face). I've never understood why Ian has never had two people working behind that counter. I'm sure he used to have, especially when he and Jane worked there. Usually someone cooks the orders and someone takes the payment, serves etc. Still, I suppose it gives the impression that Carol is more put upon than putting.

The straw that breaks the camel's back is David forgetting to fix the fish fingers, which lands him out on the street and Carol in the loo running a bath and wordlessly telling the audience something that they've known for weeks.

She's BACK!

The deplorable Katie Douglas wrote this episode, which means it can only have been written ages ago and re-written since, considering that it was rathe watchable. Let's hope it was her last, but it also served as an introduction to various and other changes promised by DTC, as well as the beginning of some new storylines, the first of which being Le Lump.

DTC promised Sharon back old-style, which got everyone wondering how she would be redeemed in view of her last, painful storyline, which should have been about an epiphany, but turned out extolling the dubious talents of Whitney in how to bully and maligne children.

I thought all along that the best thing DTC could do to redeem Sharon would be nothing. That's right, nothing. Just pretend that the past 18 months simply didn't exist, and it appears that that's what he's chosen to do, and this is where I think a re-write was done on this episode, because there was a subtle passing of the baton Friday night in the episode - as Sharon passes Shirley and Tina gazing up at the Vic, she asks if they are thinking of buying it, only to have Shirley remark to Tina that one day they won't be bottom of the barrel around Walford. (No, I'm not happy about Shirley fronting the Vic, because we've all seen what a little power can do to our Shirl).

Then as word spreads that Phil's about to sell the Vic, Ian puts Sharon up to talk to him, but it doesn't work out the way Ian plans, although we do see the return of the old Sharon. The shot of Sharon and Phil in the Square, gazing up at the Vic was quite poignant, considering that, since the beginning of the programme proper, it's been either the Mitchells or the Wattses (or combinations thereof) who've fronted the Vic.

The conversation that unfolded back at Phil's house made it unobtrusively clear that the was (for the time being) the end of an era.

The worst and the best of everything that's ever happened in my life has happened in that pub.

That, from Sharon, with reminiscences of her life growing up there amidst the turmoil that was Den's and Angie's marriage, as well as subtle nods of the head to Den Watts and Peggy Mitchell about the proposed sale.

Sharon: Me dad would 'ave 'is 'ands 'round yer throat if he knew you were selling the Vic for scrap.

Phil: And me mum.

As well as a hint toward things yet to come with Sharon and Phil, Sharon puts paid to the fact that all the Vic holds for her is ghosts, that it's time to move forward, as DTC has said he wants to do. For the record, I don't believe the crap being promulgated by someone obsessed by Shirley and Phil (a couple who never were), that Phil is going to cheat on Sharon with Shirley.

I still can't believe that the Vic is worth a mere £850K. A local boozer in that sort of community would clear a cool million at the very least.

The Sugly Blisters.

 I feel sorry for Amy. No wonder that kid never speaks. And for Christ sakes, the kid is in school, not nursery! She's five years old.

If anything, this episode proved that the Mitchell sisters are all about themselves. Roxy is particularly pathetic. Yes, yes, yes, she's endured an emotional trauma, but she has a child, and she's shoved the kid to the side to indulge in an unhealthy bout of self-pity, fueled by a drinking round or two or three with Carl. For some reason, the local yokels seem to have got the drift that Carl is not a nice guy, so various people, including Alfie, try to warn her off him.

So, here's an important question.

Where is Kirsty?

She's not been seen since the wedding that wasn't, and since she's been binned by Max, you'd have thought Carl would have been in like Flynn as Kirsty was supposedly the love of his life. Yet she hasn't been seen for dust and there Carl is making whoopie with Roxy.

Of course, this is just what Ronnie wants - Roxy not coping. Does Roxy want to take Amy to school? Of course, she doesn't. Big Sister can do that. Does Roxy want to come with Big Sister to collect Amy? Why should she, when Big Sister the Alien can do such a better job?

I love my sister more than anything.

Of course, you do, love. You're just waiting to get her in your bed, you slut.

And if Roxy isn't being selfish, why is Ronnie asking Phil for £20K from his proceeds from the pub, and refusing to tell him why? I suppose 20 grand is enough to buy some tail-end bar in Eye-BEE-tha, where Roxy can make a fool of herself at forty, but the fact remains that she's only playing nice to Phil to get him to give her some money. 

You know, one of the most amazing admissions in this week's series of episodes was Roxy admitting that all along she knew that Alfie loved Kat more, and yet, she was willing to go along with this marriage knowing she was second-best. Roxy must be desperate.

However, the other nice scene tonight was Alfie making Bianca and Kat his "elves" for the day, and Kat demanding that Phil speak to her - the fact that he can't face the Moons means he's obviously having second thoughts.

Black Bradley.

That's what the odious Dexter is set to become. Not only is he obnoxious, he's emotionally retarded. And what better place to live than that den of spoiled and entitled children, the Branning home. 

His mouth is not engaged with his brain, and he manages, not only to break up Jay and Flabi the Dough-Faced Girl, but he buries her friendship with Lola. (Yes, Lola, you were right. He told Abi about Jay because you put the mockers on his advance).

It took all of this crap time-wasting, plus Lauren telling 17 year-old Abi that if she took Jay back, it didn't make her like Tanya (go figure), to get Black Bradley to come to his senses and realise what a prize pillock he's been - or is it the possibility of living in a house on whose hospitality he's imposed without a friendly face?

Let's hope the teen angst that Katie Douglas found so compelling goes away with the new regime.

The Queen.

And thus it begins ... the end of an era in truth. Janine and David entwined in a trip down memory lane in order to get David exactly what he wants. Once again, no one's nice to Janine unless they want something. And Janine wants the Vic. What a shame she won't get it.