There's nothing like a good, tragic love story, and EastEnders is the place where you go to find'em at the moment. We've got the East End Romeo and Juliet with Peter and Lola. We have the lovers who are really other strangers in Ian and Denise. We have the on-off variety in Phil and Sharon, and the endgamers in Alfie and Kat.
Then we have the childhood sweethearts ... Mick and Linda.
Surprised? Thought I was going to say David and Carol? Really?
David and Carol were a one-time teenaged shagfest. According to two of her brothers, she was always a miserable and moody cow and she probably shagged David Wicks behind the bike sheds because he was horny and she wanted one back and her mum and dad who were probably getting on her case.
Enough of this eternal romance shite.
Three Selfish People and Cancer.
As a family, David, Carol and Bianca have one mighty thing in common - they'e selfish to the core. Everything ultimately is always all about each of them, individually.
Finding David and Carol in bed (again), was all about Bianca - just like Whitney's sex abuse was all about her, and Liam's truancy was all about her. It didn't matter that she'd criminally damaged Ian's restaurant and his livelihood, that was all about her not being reported and sent back to prison.
David's conning Carol again because he needs a free place to stay and a base from which to work. David doesn't do commitment, and he doesn't do sickness.
And Carol, well ... poor, pitiful Carol, to whom life's dealt a big bowl of shit. Not only was she left with all these men, most of whom she turned out when they wouldn't do Carol's way and were shown the highway, not only did her daughter nab the one with the Beemer from her, she has to go and get cancer now also. Only, she's not about to tell anyone (at first) because ... well, because she realises deep down that Bianca is one egg short of a dozen, so she probably wouldn't notice that Carol would be ill, much less, dead. I can hear it now.
'Ere, Kat, you'll never guess what?Me mum's a lazy cow - lyin' upstairs in Pat's bed for three days now and not moved a muscle. She ain't even washed. She don't 'alf pong though. Can't anyone wake'er up.
So Carol has cancer - as if we wouldn't know. Proper cancer, it seems, not the cancer cold Tanya had. She not only has one breast tumour, she has clusters of them, spread throughout her breast area, resulting in further scans being necessary to see if this has spread to her lymph nodes. Here's what this means - and I'm speaking as someone who's had breast cancer.
If the cancer has spread to any of Carol's lymph nodes, then it has the danger of spreading throughout her body. They'll scan for two reasons - to see if it's spread to the nodes, and if so, how far. The least that could happen would be Carol having a course of aggressive chemotherapy, which means loss of hair - not just on your head but everywhere - under your arms, your legs, your eyebrows, your genital hair - and puking. You lose your taste, so you'll have to take a course of steroids to bulk your body up to withstand the chemo. This is why a lot of cancer sufferers undergoing chemo look as though they gain weight.
She'll have to keep well away from the kids and avoid catching colds from them, because if she's ill in any way, that delays a chemo course.
That's the least that could happen, with the bad end of this meaning a mastectomy at the end if the cancer is contained in the breast and underarm area and hasn't really spread.
However, the consultant also mentioned the phrase "secondary tumours," which they are scanning for as well. To put it briefly, if Carol has any secondary tumours, she is toast. She's dying. Secondary tumours are tumours that arise from a cancer that's gone into terminal stages. In breast cancer, secondary tumours usually manifest themselves as bone or lung cancer, so if the scans show any tumours forming on her bones or lungs, she's kaput, and any chemo done will be done with a view to adding a few months to her life.
This storyline could go either way, depending on Lindsey Coulson. I've no doubt, she'll knock the ball out of the park on this one, as unlikeable as Carol generally is, but bear in mind that Coulson has also said that EastEnders isn't her life, and she's given it four years now.
The scene with the consultant struck a personal chord with me, and I was glad to see, at least, that EastEnders is doing its research and homework now regarding cancer, cancer patients and the sort of care offered them, including the all-important feature of a breast-care nurse.
As for David, I'll be kind and say he means well, and I applaud him for ticking Bianca off for going on and on about their liaision - although she is right, they are like a couple of horny rabbits. David is out for what he can get, and Carol was just born horny like all the Brannings.
But David won't last this course, and as Carol gets sicker, he'll be warming the bed of Nikki Spraggan or Roxy Mitchell before you can say "Joe Wicks."
This is what David, the horny old goat, wants...
A Bitch Is Back.
Wow, poor Masood. Not only does he now have a bore for a son, but he also has a bitch for a daughter. Shabnam's seven years in Pakistan have done her no favours. The beautiful, free-spirited twentysomething girl who drank on the sly, clubbed and pole danced wanted to travel in order to broaden her horizons, and she's come back, repressed, restricted and narrow-minded.
The oddest thing about Shabnam returning hijabbed up and judging down her nose, the way Zainab (minus the hijab) did, is that when Zainab left, she was a self-confessed faghag, who adored her son-in-law Christian, and even participated in his stag night with an oiled-up male stripper. One wonders now what Shabnam thinks about her brother and his husband.
She's so po-faced and demeaning, the way she reacted to Fatboy ...
Should I call the police?
WTF? Fatboys were a dime a dozen when she left London in 2008, so she can't come the shocked innocent that she did when she saw him, and she was openly and patently rude to Carol, from the shitty, reluctant handshake to pulling faces of distaste behind her back.
Yes, Carol's an infidel and has numerous kids by numerous men, but in terms of Muslim culture,Shabnam's family isn't so clean, so she shouldn't judge.
Allegedly, this Shabnam has a dark secret (don't they all). If so, I hope this characterisation has a purpose and is leading somewhere because a twentysomething Zainab-lite isn't funny or interesting. It's sinister and pathetic.
On first impressions, I didn't like her one bit.
When it comes to children, Mas drew the short straw.
Viagra Falls.
News flash! What the fuck ... Vicky Fowler is with Spencer Moon and opening a bar in Sydney? How? And don't you think Spencer would have had the nous to have told Alfie, himself, rather than have Sharon remark it to him in passing?
I'm totally gob-smacked, as I didn't think fey Spencer and the annoyingly dumb-assed Vicky had a braincell between them, for all Berridge concocted an off-screen sexual encounter which resulted in Vicky getting an abortion in order to buy sympathy for the character.
Of course, this will all lead up to where Alfie goes for a bit in order to explain Shane Richie's panto absence.
Alfie doesn't belong on the market, and maybe Sharon will give him bar work when she opens her own pub, in the salon, formerly known as the Dagmar.
Still, it's good to see the happy scenes between him and Kat and the bromance growing between him and Mick, thanks to his placebo. I must say, he's not he greatest screen presence, but Danny Dyer was very natural tonight.
So Shirley's not the criminal mastermind who recruits for con artist gangs? Any responsible woman ... like Pat, for example ... would advise a man with a wife (well, sort of) and child and twins on the way to steer clear of dodgy stuff like that. But, then, Shirley isn't Pat, is she?
Break It to Me Gently.
One of the most enjoyable scenes in recent times was the one witnessed tonight in the cafe between Linda and Sharon, a scene contrived by Linda's curiosity about Sharon's past, of which she appears to have heard much (probably from Shirley). It was a trip down memory lane, but a retconned one at that, the way Grant was played down.
Sharon intimated that Phil had always been the man for her, and if anyone could induce her to marry again, it would be Phil. Really, Sharon? I seem to recall you dumped Phil as soon as Grant came back from prison and were content with him, apart from the little farewell fuck with Phil when you heard he was marrying Kathy, until your taped confession with Michelle was revealed.
Sharon's explanation of her romantic history is, as she says, "complicated."
You see, at the time, I was married to'is bruvver, Grant.
Linda: Oh, so Grant is Denny's father.
Sharon: No, that's Dennis. (No mention of Dennis being the love of her life, note).That was complicated too. 'E was kind of my brother. (Please, don't brush it under the carpet, he was your flipping brother).
Linda:- Eeeeuuww.
Sharon:- Well, not really, 'e was me dad's son.
Linda:- Your'alf-brother.
Sharon:- I was adopted.
Linda:- Whew! Thank God, for that! So Dennis was the one who showed up and caused all that trouble.
Sharon:- No, that was John.
You get the picture. Played for campness and played for laughs, with the briefest soupcon of foreshadowing on Linda's part.
Me an' Mick'ave been togevvah since we was at school. Ain' t never been wiv anyone else and never will be. (Watch this space for an affair something this year - Max, David, Jake ...)
Of course, the second biggest reveal of the night after Carol's cancer was Sharon finding Carl's phone, coincidentally after getting Phil to promise to be truthful with her about everything.
Let's see where this leads with Sharon, Phil and the alien known as Roswell.
Watchable episode.
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