Thursday night was sitcom night, and projected a strange aura of leftover Lorraine Newman.
Watchable only because we were actually seeing actual storylines and not little comedy vignettes like Tunagate or Snakegate, the episode deserved a medal for stating the bleeding obvious.
Who didn't see what coming?
Father Knows Best ... or Does He?
David Beale Wicks is hardly Father of the Year material, but TJ Spraggan, misguided son of Terry Spraggan, seeks his counsel. TJ certainly has a problem with taste. He's fucked hairy Cindy the Greek, who looks and sounds like a boy in drag. One wonders, if he kissed her, if he scratched his tender skin on her stubble.
David's advice is similar to the advice he gave himself when he knocked Carol up at fifteen - don't tell daddy. Instead, David phones Nikki, TJ's mother, but not without reason, and tells her of the problem at hand.
Nikki is concerned enough not to want her son to be saddled with a baby by some dimwit girl whom he saddled along the way, and once TJ and Nikki are sure that hairy Cindy the Greek has had an abortion, Nikki is about to move on when David, the Father of the Year, decides to lecture her on abortion and regret, saying he often thought about the baby he could have had during the years he thought Carol had had one.
Bullshit,
David only thought about one thing in the sixteen years before he knew Bianca existed - himself, leaving a marriage, two children, the death of one and the mental illness of another in the wake of his destructive life. And he only thought about one thing in the sixteen years after he was banned from Walford for breaking up his brother's marriage - himself.
Just like he's only thinking of himself now, manipulating Nikki into sticking around to be a thorn in the side of Bianca and to sabotage her relationship with Terry, although goodness knows why. And if that's not enough, David's now officially lied to Carol.
That didn't take long, did it? When Carol came to the portacabin to suggest some lunch for David, she found him with Nikki, discussing TJ's widdle pwobwem. David told Carol Nikki had dropped by to hunt for a car to buy and brushed her off.
Oh, those Beale boys, so alike, yet so determined not to admit it.
I propose that for the next Children in Need, Adam Woodyatt and Michael French, in character, sing this song, as an anthem for the Brothers Beale - because they'll both eventually end up crying in the rain.
Take it away, Ian and David.
Gossip Girl.
Oh, she's too cool for school, that hairy Cindy the Greek, so she's off to an abortion clinic, instead.
The star of this piece was clearly Tina, whose transformation into a person of real compassion and understaning was remarkable. She doesn't try to influence Cindy in either way, but she clearly thinks it's beyond her ken or ability to embark upon motherhood. She tries to steady her nerves with a lie about having had an abortion, herself; and then later, she tries the truth method - yes, she had a daughter, Zsa Zsa. But, she admits, even though she loved Zsa Zsa, she was a terrible mother, and her child deserved better.
She accompanies hairy Cindy the Greek, along with the confused TJ, to the abortion clinic, and here's the first hint of Stating the Bleeding Obvious: Could there have been any more mothers with babies and toddlers on that bus? You knew the minute they got on, when you saw the mother with the pram, that hairy Cindy the Greek was going to be swayed into keeping the baby. Even TJ was encouraging her, and EastEnders is delving into dangerous territory here.
Yes, abortion is terrible, and it shouldn't be used as a means of birth control. As Bill Clinton once said, abortion should be availabe, safe and rare; because with more information on birth control and more access to it, abortions become less and less common. TJ and hairy Cindy the Greek are kids. They don't love each other anymore than David Cameron loves Tony Blair. Sex was a silly game to them, and they've found out that - hey - you can get pregnant the first time ... just like Sonia and Martin, just like Carol and David.
For once, the show should present abortion as an option for a very young teenaged girl who clearly has a future ahead of her. But hairy Cindy is so dumb, she probably thinks the baby will pop out and stay a doll-like infant forever, whom she can pass to Ian and Denise for feeding, bathing and changing shitty nappies. By seventeen, she'll have a toddler. By twenty, she'll have a child in school. If the same pattern is followed, she could be a grandmother at twenty-nine.
Great one, DTC. Give us another teenaged mother to add to the sensationalist nature of the programme. This is Carol and David of the modern times, with him thinking she's had an abortion, and her there right under his nose getting fatter by the day. Maybe this heralds hairy Cindy's departure, because I can't invest in yet another teenaged drama, which will be in our faces until she slips the sprog. So much for DTC not emphasising children.
Bachelor Father Meets Lost Weekend.
Basically, it was this:Boycie sells Delboy some raw meat. Delboy reckons he'll bake it into meat pies and make a fortune. He grinds it up and bakes it into pies, proudly presenting Boycie with a free sample, which Boycie refuses. Then Rodney finds a dog tag in the meat.
Cue end credits.
DTC's weakest effort yet, and proof of why a weakened Corrie walked away with two major awards at the NTAs.
Watchable only because we were actually seeing actual storylines and not little comedy vignettes like Tunagate or Snakegate, the episode deserved a medal for stating the bleeding obvious.
Who didn't see what coming?
Father Knows Best ... or Does He?
David's advice is similar to the advice he gave himself when he knocked Carol up at fifteen - don't tell daddy. Instead, David phones Nikki, TJ's mother, but not without reason, and tells her of the problem at hand.
Nikki is concerned enough not to want her son to be saddled with a baby by some dimwit girl whom he saddled along the way, and once TJ and Nikki are sure that hairy Cindy the Greek has had an abortion, Nikki is about to move on when David, the Father of the Year, decides to lecture her on abortion and regret, saying he often thought about the baby he could have had during the years he thought Carol had had one.
Bullshit,
David only thought about one thing in the sixteen years before he knew Bianca existed - himself, leaving a marriage, two children, the death of one and the mental illness of another in the wake of his destructive life. And he only thought about one thing in the sixteen years after he was banned from Walford for breaking up his brother's marriage - himself.
Just like he's only thinking of himself now, manipulating Nikki into sticking around to be a thorn in the side of Bianca and to sabotage her relationship with Terry, although goodness knows why. And if that's not enough, David's now officially lied to Carol.
That didn't take long, did it? When Carol came to the portacabin to suggest some lunch for David, she found him with Nikki, discussing TJ's widdle pwobwem. David told Carol Nikki had dropped by to hunt for a car to buy and brushed her off.
Oh, those Beale boys, so alike, yet so determined not to admit it.
I propose that for the next Children in Need, Adam Woodyatt and Michael French, in character, sing this song, as an anthem for the Brothers Beale - because they'll both eventually end up crying in the rain.
Take it away, Ian and David.
Gossip Girl.
Oh, she's too cool for school, that hairy Cindy the Greek, so she's off to an abortion clinic, instead.
The star of this piece was clearly Tina, whose transformation into a person of real compassion and understaning was remarkable. She doesn't try to influence Cindy in either way, but she clearly thinks it's beyond her ken or ability to embark upon motherhood. She tries to steady her nerves with a lie about having had an abortion, herself; and then later, she tries the truth method - yes, she had a daughter, Zsa Zsa. But, she admits, even though she loved Zsa Zsa, she was a terrible mother, and her child deserved better.
She accompanies hairy Cindy the Greek, along with the confused TJ, to the abortion clinic, and here's the first hint of Stating the Bleeding Obvious: Could there have been any more mothers with babies and toddlers on that bus? You knew the minute they got on, when you saw the mother with the pram, that hairy Cindy the Greek was going to be swayed into keeping the baby. Even TJ was encouraging her, and EastEnders is delving into dangerous territory here.
Yes, abortion is terrible, and it shouldn't be used as a means of birth control. As Bill Clinton once said, abortion should be availabe, safe and rare; because with more information on birth control and more access to it, abortions become less and less common. TJ and hairy Cindy the Greek are kids. They don't love each other anymore than David Cameron loves Tony Blair. Sex was a silly game to them, and they've found out that - hey - you can get pregnant the first time ... just like Sonia and Martin, just like Carol and David.
For once, the show should present abortion as an option for a very young teenaged girl who clearly has a future ahead of her. But hairy Cindy is so dumb, she probably thinks the baby will pop out and stay a doll-like infant forever, whom she can pass to Ian and Denise for feeding, bathing and changing shitty nappies. By seventeen, she'll have a toddler. By twenty, she'll have a child in school. If the same pattern is followed, she could be a grandmother at twenty-nine.
Great one, DTC. Give us another teenaged mother to add to the sensationalist nature of the programme. This is Carol and David of the modern times, with him thinking she's had an abortion, and her there right under his nose getting fatter by the day. Maybe this heralds hairy Cindy's departure, because I can't invest in yet another teenaged drama, which will be in our faces until she slips the sprog. So much for DTC not emphasising children.
Bachelor Father Meets Lost Weekend.
The Brannings were caught up in a cross between a 50s American sitcom and a 40s film noir about alcoholism.
Is this the last we see of lairy, pervy Jake, who's dissolved into a weeping, blithering, drunken idiot because he was sleeping with a teenager behind his wife's back? I'm surprised Mr Soap-Star gets such an understated departure, if, indeed, he is going. I have a feeling he'll be back, unfortunately, like a bad penny. At least, according to him, he's contracted until July, and he sounds as though he's casting broad hints for a contract renewal, which he hasn't received as yet. I guess there's no opening on Corrie now that he's divorced Kym Marsh.
So Lauren's redemption continues apace, complete with her dictating to Max in his own home. The most self-obsessed and entitled character in the show played by ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.
according to Soapsquawk, has been floated a new, big and majo storyline by Santa's elf, himself, DTC, which means we're slated to see more of The Lauren Show, when we're not watching The Stacey and Ronnie Show or The Shirley Show.
Lauren brings lairy Jake back to Branning Manor and ticks Max off, telling him Jake hasn't done anything worse than either she or Max have done. Er, I think so, Lauren. Jake was responsible for the death of a child. Now I know Lauren's tried to kill Max, driven drunk through a showroom window, chucked a brick through the window of the cafe on a busy day and criminally assaulted Lucy Beale, but she hasn't killed anyone. Yet.
Give her time. Jossa is angling for DTC to make her a killer, and since two of his favourites are murderers already and will be living on the Square, there's always room for a third. If Janine returns, they could start a support group. This year's murderer is last year's dirty girl, and that will entitle them to further bad behaviour.
Lauren's all for getting rid of Jake now that she's broken up his marriage and she sees what a weak, pathetic man, like all the rest in the show are, he is. She tries to get him to fight for Bella. Line of the night:-
I want my dad, even though he ain't perfect.
(Did you ever notice how Lauren's grammar is positively atrocious? She isn't ignorant, so why does she speak this way?)
Yes, Lauren wants Max around so she can dictate her impossibly high moral standards, inapplicable to herself, to him when she perceives he misbehaves, which he'll do soon, because Max has just bought the house off Jack. Along with Janine and Ian Beale, that makes him one of three homeowners in the entire Square. And he's pledging himself to his daughters, which means Stacey's about to appear again.
What's DTC done to Cora? He's made her positively likeable again, even if she were sitting at the kitchen table guzzling wine whilst Abi cooked.
All in the Family.
This was a song just made for Mick and Linda. Can't you hear them warbling these lyrics?
And you knew where you were then
Girls were girls and men were men ...
This was the hammiest sitcom of them all, and it showed the Carters at their worst, with Danny Dyer continuing to channel 2002's version of Alfie Moon, and Kellie Bright trying her damnedest to be Angie Watts.
This was Project Get Rid of Wayne, the offensive racial stereotypical boyfriend. When he proved to be working hard enough in curing their rising damp, they resorted to mollycoddling him, until both he and Zara Phillips Nancy saw through that ruse. But Linda the Detective lifts his phone when she sees him showing something off to his mates and finds what I assume are nudie, sexy pictures of Nancy she'd allowed him to take. When these are made known, DTC contrives the Carters to humiliate Wayne by showing pictures Nancy had taken of him on her laptop.
It puts paid to the myth that size matters. This was not funny, and even less funny was the third scene we've been shown of Danny Dyer prancing about in his underwear.
Get a fucking grip.
Only Fools and Horses.
Cue end credits.
DTC's weakest effort yet, and proof of why a weakened Corrie walked away with two major awards at the NTAs.
No comments:
Post a Comment