Mean Mr Mustards - Review:- 21.01.2014

I write this on the night of the National Television Awards - the NTAs - are being televised. When Jessie Wallace competes against Julie Hesmondhaigh and David Neilson, when the atrocious Khali Best is up against any number of people for Best Newcomer, and I'm hoping he loses.

This week's episodes are on a downer from the brilliance of the former week. This week is Branning week, and it shows.

The Dirty Old Men: Jake and Max

Well, we always knew Max was a dirty old man, but now we know Scuzza Jake is as well. In point of fact, Jamie Lomas, with whom I've not been impressed since he started, who veered between nothing and creepy, gave his best performance to date in the programme, as the desperate, weak and pathetic drunk, who's just realised his wife and child have walked away from him upon discovering his infidelity with Lauren.

The Brannings really are home-wreckers, collectively, although Lauren has now achieved the same level of competence her mother had achieved by breaking up a marriage by the time she was nineteen.

This whole ordeal, however, has done nothing to dampen Lauren's innate self-righteousness, her entitlement and her complete and total inability to accept responsibility for her actions. The morning after, she had to, simply had to rush to talk to Sadie, to go to work, to make things right. She honestly thought that if she convinced Sadie to return to Jake, to put things back together, she, Lauren, would feel good about herself.

Seeing that Sadie was in the process of packing up and leaving,Lauren is made to realise the domino effect her reckless affair with Jake would have, not only on Sadie and Bella, but on her co-workers, Poppy and Lola, both of whom needed jobs. Sadie gave a brilliantly succinct assessment of Lauren's behaviour in all of this sordid affair - she was only a silly little girl.

By the end of that overheard exchange, Lauren was firmly persona non grata with Poppy and Lola. But that wasn't the end of it for Lauren, she had to tackle Jake next, convince him to try again with Sadie, but she found him drunk, pathetic and whining. Even more to her horror, her real epiphany came when Jake, newly freed from the constraints of marriage and fatherhood, proposes that he and Lauren make a go of it as a couple. That's when Lauren, the silly little girl,suddenly realised that sober, married, dangeous Jake, someone else's husband, was infinitely more attractive as a plaything than the drunken, weeping shell of a man, begging her to stay with him. All of a sudden, Lauren, who had, previously, told Jake she loved him, didn't really want to be with the reality of the situation. 

Of course the cliffhanger ending came with Lauren being forced, albeit fighting little and curiously unseen in the light of day into the back of Jake's car.

You know, I could care less about Lauren or Jake. They could both leave together and not be missed. The scope of how bad the Brannings are as a whole was exemplified in the scene in the pub, where Sadie confronted Max, after he admonished her to remember that her husband, Jake, had to shoulder most of the blame in this situation, not Lauren, Lauren was just a young girl.

Sadie virtually handed Max his horny arse, when she told him how his reputation had preceeded him as one who pursued girls young enough to be his daughter, and finished by stating once again, her assessment of Lauren as a silly little girl.

The Wise Woman of Walford Not.

Splash some green on her face, and Shirley could be a dead ringer for the Wicked Witch of the West. How about the Wicked Witch of Walford?

Up until she enticed her brother to buy the moth-eaten Vic, Shirley, post-Phil, was a loser living hand-to-mouth in the sodden gutter. But now, all of a sudden, not only is she the family counsellor-cum-matriarch, she's also the GoTo woman with "contacts."

She had some "contacts" running a conjob on the South Coast who might be able to hook Alfie up with some big money. Now, she's the one Kat runs to in order to offload the dodgy meat she has.

So Shirley's suddenly gone from zero to hero, by virtue of being entwined in the magic the Vic carries and the sheer ego of Dominic Treadwell-Collins. According to the spoilers, she actually becomes the licencee of the pub. Who in the history of the programme ha gone from being a single peripheral character to having an entire family of nine people created just for her? I hope this deeply divisive character is worth it.

On the other hand, Tina, away from her family and working in the cafe, is a revelation. Take away the silly banter and the Cout Jester's clothing, and you actually have a character with a heart.

The Father Figure.

For the record, I could give a rat's arse about dippy hairy Cindy the Greek's pregnancy, which it seems she's about to terminate. (Exchange with Tina:-)

Tina: You keepin' it?
Cindy: Do I look like a muppet?

That means she probably won't keep her 2pm appointment. I can't figure out where TJ is coming from on this. Does he want her to keep the baby or does he want a say in what is done? And why is he seeking advice from David, the worst person to offer paternal or even avuncular advice to a young boy?

I hate David and the way he plays the family card to get whatever he wants. Last week, it was poor Carol's cancer and everything being for her. Last night, he played the daddy card with Max,envying him the fact that Max's daughters chose to live with him, something, he mused ruefully, that Bianca never considered doing. Well, if we remember that he didn't even know Bianca existed until she was near as damn it an adult and after that, she didn't know where he was for sixteen years, then those words ring hollow. I want him to fail, and I wonder if the sage five-minute piece of advice he gave TJ was to lie to Terry, tell him he needed 200 quid for a French trip and that Nikki had spent the money, get the dosh and give it to Cindy the Greek for an abortion. That's how David got the money for Carol to abort Bianca from Pete; but then, Cindy, like Carol, would have probably pocketed the cash.

When Alfie Met Angie.

Mick and Linda in the pub.

Mediocre.