I caught up with Coronation Street over the weekend, culminating in last night's hour-long special.
The whole week's worth of episodes put EastEnders to shame. The fire at the Rovers was the real deal, as compared to that piece of flint which could have been put out with a stream of piss in 2010. Ryan's dashing rescue (not) of piggy-faced Stacey Slater (what is it about piglets and EastEnders?) was nothing compared to Eileen's Paul and the quirky girl firefighter rescuing Stella, Karl and poor pitiful Sunita from the ravages of that blaze.
The scripts were tight and to the point, the acting pitch perfect. Coronation Street has its own weaknesses on the acting front - Jack P Shepherd, Anthony Cotton and a gaggle of dark-haired girls who all look the same and sound the same and who are named Ka-teh or Ky-leh or something of that sort. Anyway, one of them always wins Sexiest Female at the BSAs.
What's obvious is Coronation Street's small bevy of writers, their propensity not to put the prettiest people up front as the stars of the show, and their ability to attract top-flight actors to guest star (Sir Ian McKellen, Honor Blackman, Robert Vaughan and Sir Timothy West), as well as actors who love the bones of the characters they play all combine to form the Corrie brand.
Coronation Street is smacking EastEnders' collective ass. Corrie's reveling in the Rovers' fire, Karl arranging for the dying Sunita to cop the blame, Dev's grief, Kirsty's meltdown and Tyrone's trial, whilst EastEnders serves up screaming Bianca and a gang of juvenile drama students who don't know if they want to be in West Side Story or Oliver!
And then there's the new friendship angle ...
Bianca and the Bullies (Not on Walford Web)
Bianca is an appalling mother. It's not enough to love your kids; sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind ... you know, like the song ...
She never disciplined her children for their misbehaviours; instead, she defended their rudeness, their bad behaviour. She challenged authority when authority was acting in her children's best interests.
Clock the remark Bianca made to a reluctant Whitney (who looked as if she were born to be part and parcel of the infamous Byron Estate, located in the Borough of Walford), to urge her to knock on doors with flyers of Liam's smiling, flat-headed face.- just because the estate looks the pits, doesn't mean the people who live there are (or something to that effect).
This is the woman who couldn't maintain rent on her own council flat, who got evicted, and then stayed in a B and B and tried to filch out of that one, ending up with her children camping out in a bus shelter. This is the same woman who's got a prison record for assault and for robbery.
I can't feel sorry for Bianca, when she won't even consider contacting Ricky about what's happening with their son. Instead, she'd rather involve Retcon Ray and Jack the Peg, who didn't get too far the last time they went in posse to look for Liam. Jack wants to involve the police - no less than some sort of special task force to storm the gang's hideout. Carol agrees with her brother, but Bianca wants to do this herself and off she storms.
Whilst she's hanging about the estate, she manages to push a leaflet into the hands of a reluctant man - he has a couple of lines so we know we'll see him later and ... of all people ...
I mean Ava the Rava, who lives there. Now, you may ask, what on earth is a Deputy Headmistress doing living on such a sink estate? Council estates are for people who can't afford private rented accommodation or a mortage repayment. Ava is 48 years old, and has more than 20 years' teaching experience. As a deputy head, she'd be on a salary, in London, of upwards of £85k - hardly the salary you'd find on a council estate. Indeed, such a wage earner wouldn't be allowed such a property, as she'd be denying a worthy recipient a place. Even though she lives on the nicer end of the estate, she still lives in a council property.
More proof that the writing room at EastEnders live in a bubble. Rob Gittins should know better.
Also, Ava is supposed to be a teacher. Easter break hasn't yet begun, but there we see Ava pop up in the middle of the day when she should be at school. And Ava the well-spoken professional, the girl who grew up in Surbiton, is, once again, speaking the English of a guttersnipe .. "we done vis" and "somefink" and such. No self-respecting teacher would begin to enunciate like that, even if the woman to whom she's speaking speaks appalling English, herself.
And once again, in relating the Little Cock's experiences with a gangabanga, Ava references taking him on a four-hour drive to stay with her mother - presumably her adoptive mother. That's the second referenc, in as many weeks, to her adoptive family. Are we going to meet them? I'd love to see her classy, loving mother lock horns with the drink-addled, smoke-ridden old hag who gave her up for adoption.
Anyway, Bianca eventually decides to shop her little flat-head to the police, but not to tell them he's mixed up in gangs, mind you. Yes, Bianca's afraid that Liam will go to prison the way she did, but she's also afraid that her hiding of Tamwar's bag will result in her going back to prison too. And, of course, Social Services would be there to gloat again at the prospect of Bianca Butcher, author of her own fate, fucking up again because she has no common sense.
Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch, the Gang Rehearses Oliver!
OK, they've decided not to do West Side Story. Instead, they're doing Oliver. Look! They've even found Fagin, the man with whom Bianca spoke, happes to be Kane's (AKA The Artful Dodger) dad ...Take it away, Daddy ....
Kane (who looks like a brain-damaged idiot) and the boys have been out early in the morning, robbing a liquor store ... innit? Because they're all bruvs ... innit? And that Liam, he wants to teach 'is mum respeck ... innit? So they pass around the cider and the beer ... and proceed to have a food fight with buns ... because that's what gangs do ... innit? Food fighting and all that ... just like this famous gang ...
Take heart, Bianca ... If Liam sticks with Kane, his destiny is bright. He'll be the Mayor of London, and Kane will be Prime Minister.
Honestly, that gang is the most laughable thing going on the show at the moment, and it's not intended to be. EastEnders have fallen on their asses so many times with failed gang stories, you'd think they'd learn from their mistakes, but they truly must be arrogant, or playing to the peanut gallery of low-intelligence viewers ... you know, people who look like Kane and his Daddy Fagin.
Epic fail ...
Shirley Makes Cakes with Skinny Heather.
It's official. Jean has become Skinny Heather. She has ceased to be Jean, because she's done a thing only Heather could do. In ordering kitchen supplies for Retcon Ray whilst he's away (across the Square, playing the strong, silent type), Skinny Heather orders 40 packets of flour instead of four.
And just like Fat Heather, Skinny Heather screws up her face and whines to Shirley, who's popped into save the day. Afraid that Roxy might sack her, Skinny Heather is frightened. That's when she and Shirley repair upstairs to the Vic's kitchen to make a mountain of fairy cakes, all for the Vic's punters.
Because, you know, Skinny Heather helped Shirley and now Shirl wants to help Skinny Heather.
And, what do you know, that nice Phil Mitchell shows up and takes a cake, and says it reminds him of the cakes Shirley and Ben used to make. And somewhere in Northern Ireland, a woman screams in ecstasy and takes to Twitter with a vengeance, telling all and sundry that this passing moment was proof that Shirley really, really, really, really, really, really is the love of Phil's life and Phil will shortly abandon Fat Barbie for The Creature from the Black Lagoon.
And if you believe that, I have a bridge in New York I want to sell you ...
The Reincarnation of Jamie Mitchell.
Well, it's Jay. And Abi's even getting fatter so she can morph into Blonde Sonia. (I'm not kidding, have you seen Abi's thighs? And today she was sporting no less than two chins. She looks like a squirrel hording nuts in her cheeks.)
Anyway, Phil sees Jay working on his own and senses something's wrong. Abi shows up and she's worried too, because Jay's been quiet lately. As you do, Abi wants to ask Phil if Jay can have the afternoon off
Nice ... innit?
A Pointless Piece about an Auction.
Newman continues to promote "community spirit" by showing Alfie taking Poppy to an auction of left luggage items for no reason other than a flimsy storyline about Fatboy and Poppy trying to raise a deposit for a flat. Fatboy finds an expensive watch in his takings. Whoop-eee! Not. And why is Alfie still running after old tat. I thought he'd thrown Kat out?
Pointless.
Anyway, I'm off to catch up on Corrie.
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