Not mincing any words, that was one of the worst episodes I've yet to see this year on this programme. At the moment, EastEnders seems to be hitting new lows. Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. There hasn't been an episode since the beginning of December which hasn't featured a Branning or a Branning satellite, and tonight was no different.
This is "Lola" week, and it's giving us an additional episode, which means it's supposed to be a special, dramatic and eventful week, a bums-on-chairs week with viewing figures way above the norm. Instead, we haven't even hit 8 million yet. The Lola escapade is a terribly written, terribly researched and terribly constructed never-ending storyline that does none of the characters within it any favours.
I haven't spent an episode watching the clock more since the awful teen week of the previous year. Tonight's show produced one brief and intriguing scene of less than a minute, and that's an all-time low for this programme.
It was announced today that Gary Lucy's joining the cast, reprising his role as Danny Pennant. They'll probably fuck him up too.
Her Name Is Lola, She Is a Cretin.
The main theme of the week is the search for runaway Lola with runaway Lexi. I am no fan of Danielle Harold, and she did her one of her two-trick pony specials tonight, which is rapid breathing and making funny noises like she's trying to cry. Her other speciality is shouting. She did that also.
OK, I buy that Lola wants Lexi, her daughter, back; but a lot of Phil's concerns are valid. Lola is a kid, and a pretty irresponsible one at that. She was feckless before, and she's feckless now. She has anger issues. She's on a hiding to becoming a Bianca mother, and - contrary to what Patsy Palmer may say - Bianca is not a good mother, and I don't think Lola is either.
She loves her kid. The worst sort of mothers love their children. But love isn't enough. Both Bianca and Lola have an ingrained hatred of authority, which will spill over into their children's attitudes in the future. All well and good for Billy (I hate how she calls him "Pops") to gurn and screw up his face and make his continuous cry about nothing is Lola's fault, because she's just a kid, she's been in care yadda yadda. That's getting old.
Even worse for Billy to accuse Phil of breaking Ben and destroying him. This is Billy the Child-Beater talking here. Billy beat his nephew Jamie so much that big bad Phil had to rescue him. This is Billy the Drug-Dealer. Billy the Post Thief. Billy the Charity-Box Thief. Billy, who robbed Janine blind.
Phil didn't destroy Ben. He didn't understand him, but he didn't destroy him either. Ben was well on his route to his own destruction when he arrived in Walford.
The circumstances under which Lola snatched Lexi speak volumes about her immaturity. She grabbed the kid and scarpered with no money at all. With no money, how is she going to get out of Walford? Where will she stay? How will she feed Lola?
Oh, and this was a storyline perfectly designed to include every Branning facet imaginable. Lola runs to the Arches, and there she finds that token stereotypical (and racist) representation of the Little Cock, the cocksure black urban yoof, Not even using one of his two braincells, he tells her she can stay with him and his mother - you know, Ava the Rava, the teacher, a professional with a position of trust in the community? Cock's ma won't ask any questions - correction, Cock's ma won't axe any questions. (Let's get the stereotypical dialogue correct). So within minutes, Cock and Ava the Rava, the latest Branning satellites, are involved in the Quest for Lola.
Maybe he can sing Lexi to sleep with this lullabye ...
Jack's already involved. When Phil realises Lexi and Lola have disappeared, he wastes no time in ringing Sharon, who's drunk on bubbly in the fridge and playing Fat Barbie to Jack's Cockney Tarzan. Jack forbids her to answer her mobile, and for awhile, ,she obeys; but you know she's going to answer it, and then she takes off running. Sharon in leather trousers ... not a pretty sight.
Sharon away from the Brannings and interacting with Phil and Billy brings back the Sharon of old - strong, calm, demanding and decisive. This demeanor does calm Phil down, but they make the mistake of first calling in at Tanya's in order to question Abi about Lola, and that involves even more fucking Brannings in the equation as fuck-addled Abi, who - since she popped her cherry to Jay has forgotten all about her studies in the quest to continue ... "what can I say, we made love" - or as most people call it, getting-up-the-duff-by-not-using-condoms-you-silly-immature-bitch.
So that's two lots of Brannings involved in finding Lola, who hasn't even left Walford yet.
It behooves Ava the Rava, in angry black Aunt Esther mode ...
This is "Lola" week, and it's giving us an additional episode, which means it's supposed to be a special, dramatic and eventful week, a bums-on-chairs week with viewing figures way above the norm. Instead, we haven't even hit 8 million yet. The Lola escapade is a terribly written, terribly researched and terribly constructed never-ending storyline that does none of the characters within it any favours.
I haven't spent an episode watching the clock more since the awful teen week of the previous year. Tonight's show produced one brief and intriguing scene of less than a minute, and that's an all-time low for this programme.
It was announced today that Gary Lucy's joining the cast, reprising his role as Danny Pennant. They'll probably fuck him up too.
Her Name Is Lola, She Is a Cretin.
The main theme of the week is the search for runaway Lola with runaway Lexi. I am no fan of Danielle Harold, and she did her one of her two-trick pony specials tonight, which is rapid breathing and making funny noises like she's trying to cry. Her other speciality is shouting. She did that also.
OK, I buy that Lola wants Lexi, her daughter, back; but a lot of Phil's concerns are valid. Lola is a kid, and a pretty irresponsible one at that. She was feckless before, and she's feckless now. She has anger issues. She's on a hiding to becoming a Bianca mother, and - contrary to what Patsy Palmer may say - Bianca is not a good mother, and I don't think Lola is either.
She loves her kid. The worst sort of mothers love their children. But love isn't enough. Both Bianca and Lola have an ingrained hatred of authority, which will spill over into their children's attitudes in the future. All well and good for Billy (I hate how she calls him "Pops") to gurn and screw up his face and make his continuous cry about nothing is Lola's fault, because she's just a kid, she's been in care yadda yadda. That's getting old.
Even worse for Billy to accuse Phil of breaking Ben and destroying him. This is Billy the Child-Beater talking here. Billy beat his nephew Jamie so much that big bad Phil had to rescue him. This is Billy the Drug-Dealer. Billy the Post Thief. Billy the Charity-Box Thief. Billy, who robbed Janine blind.
Phil didn't destroy Ben. He didn't understand him, but he didn't destroy him either. Ben was well on his route to his own destruction when he arrived in Walford.
The circumstances under which Lola snatched Lexi speak volumes about her immaturity. She grabbed the kid and scarpered with no money at all. With no money, how is she going to get out of Walford? Where will she stay? How will she feed Lola?
Oh, and this was a storyline perfectly designed to include every Branning facet imaginable. Lola runs to the Arches, and there she finds that token stereotypical (and racist) representation of the Little Cock, the cocksure black urban yoof, Not even using one of his two braincells, he tells her she can stay with him and his mother - you know, Ava the Rava, the teacher, a professional with a position of trust in the community? Cock's ma won't ask any questions - correction, Cock's ma won't axe any questions. (Let's get the stereotypical dialogue correct). So within minutes, Cock and Ava the Rava, the latest Branning satellites, are involved in the Quest for Lola.
Maybe he can sing Lexi to sleep with this lullabye ...
Jack's already involved. When Phil realises Lexi and Lola have disappeared, he wastes no time in ringing Sharon, who's drunk on bubbly in the fridge and playing Fat Barbie to Jack's Cockney Tarzan. Jack forbids her to answer her mobile, and for awhile, ,she obeys; but you know she's going to answer it, and then she takes off running. Sharon in leather trousers ... not a pretty sight.
Sharon away from the Brannings and interacting with Phil and Billy brings back the Sharon of old - strong, calm, demanding and decisive. This demeanor does calm Phil down, but they make the mistake of first calling in at Tanya's in order to question Abi about Lola, and that involves even more fucking Brannings in the equation as fuck-addled Abi, who - since she popped her cherry to Jay has forgotten all about her studies in the quest to continue ... "what can I say, we made love" - or as most people call it, getting-up-the-duff-by-not-using-condoms-you-silly-immature-bitch.
So that's two lots of Brannings involved in finding Lola, who hasn't even left Walford yet.
It behooves Ava the Rava, in angry black Aunt Esther mode ...
Ava the Rava in a Bad Mood Otherwise Known as Aunt Esther
to haul Cock's skinny arse to Phil's house in order to confess that Lola was hiding out at the Arches. However, that was after the nano-second brilliant scene between Sharon and Phil, which was the most interesting part of the entire programme tonight and a fitting reference to the past.
Line of the night:-
Sharon to Phil: You ain't Grant.
Bazinga! Reference back to the 1990s. Sharon is calling on Phil's better nature, reminding him of what he was. Why is he acting this way? If she were Lola, she'd want to get away from Phil too, why is he being so horrible ...
Because he's not Grant.
For those of you Luddites who don't remember Grant or who wondered what the fuss was all about when Pussycat Grant was back in 2005 and 2006, Sharon was referring to the Grant she married, the real love of her life.
For those of you who don't remember when EastEnders was good, here's a clip which includes Grant and Sharon at loggerheads. It's from almost exactly twenty years ago today, and includes scenes with a much younger Dot, Celestine Tavernier (a precursor of Patrick), a very young Mandy Salter and a much thinner and much smugger Ian Beale.
Note the difference in dramatic quality and also note Grant:-
That was the scene of the evening, and for twenty seconds, continuity reigned.
The Wrath of Dot Pantomime Hour
The Mystery of the Missing Cold Cuts returns, this time with two pantomime dames, a damsel in distress and the surprise culprit who gets only a mention. One dame is in head-bobbing, the other is the evil old hag.
Obviously, the object of the Missing Cold Cuts mystery is to eventually reconcile Cora, who's been abysmal lately in attitude and entitlement, with Dot. Dot is accusing her of thievery, and well, she might, considering the financial pickle in which Cora left Dot, although Dot should have really known better regarding her rights as a council tenant.
Now Poppy and Fatboy have assumed that Dot's going gaga, and that elicits a frisson of sympathy from Cora.
The rest of this vignette was spent watching Cora moan to smug Tanya about Dot, with Tanya prissily muttering remarks about Cora, eating like a horse, stopping smoking, interspersed with her screaming at Abi to stop loitering around with Jay upstairs and get back to school. Little does she know that Abi's given up schoolwork, now she's discovered the joy of sex. Yes, well ... expect a pregnancy alert soon enough.
And Cora the Bora gets a dig in at Phil. She'll be sorry about that.
Is this fucking storyline for real?
EastEnders Tries RomCom and Fails. Let's Spend a Night Together ... in the Storeroom.
Ian Beale deserves better. Denise certainly deserves better. Why do they make every romantic interlude with Denise into a poor attempt at romantic comedy? Kevin, Lucas ... now Ian Beale. Ian Beale talking to aubergines, getting up enough courage to ask Denise out on a date? The silly scene where he gives her candy from The Minute Mart, a present he simply took from the shelf and handed to her.
Then the totally ignorant remark about Denise going through menopause. Denise is the same age as Ian. Ian's own mother was three years older than Denise when she gave birth to Ben. Ian is simply more intelligent than that and doesn't need to act like Alfie Moon or even Billy Mitchell around someone like Denise.
And she doesn't need to sidle up to the resident hunky deliveryman to prove a point. Nor does Ian need to give that convoluted story about "sweetheart" being his wife of four years and them having two kids. Who wrote this shit? Oh, wait ... Daisy Coulam. Well, that explains it.
Neither of them need to be locked in, however accidentally, in the Minute Mart storeroom overnight to prove a point. That was just stupid.
Awful episode. Just awful.
Another lock-in? How many has that been now? God, if I lived in the Square, I think i would always make sure I could either grab the door, or have an escape route.
ReplyDeleteGetting a bit repetitive.
PP