A seasoned writer, Christopher Reason, wrote Tuesday's episode. He's been with the show a long time, and he's one of the better writers; but some of his dialogue in this episode was the stuff of which you only see in films of a certain type and then some. On Tuesday, however, we got three different programmes all rolled into one, but I suppose that reflects Lorraine Newman's economy drive and the budget cuts imposed upon the production by the Beeb, which had them imposed by the Tory government.
Do we get a reduction in our licence fee? We should, judging by the lack of quality in this programme at the moment.
People have cut Newman a lot of slack because the damage inflicted on EastEnders by Bryan Kirkwood was so extensive. In reality, the rot set in ten years ago, and what Kirkwood did, he was able to do by virtue of the weakened state of the show as a result of three very weak executive producers (Louise Berridge, Kathleen Hutchison and Kate Harwood - ironically now Head of Continuing Drama at the BBC, talk about the Peter Principle!) and the short-term remedies effected by Diederick Santer (returning old 90s characters and sensationalist plotlines) offset by turning the show from an ensemble piece to The Ronnie and Stacey Show).
Kirkwood set about re-creating EastEnders in his own image - as if he were some sort of soap opera God Almighty, including expanding the Branning family beyond belief, re-making Alfie and Kat into a doormat and a gargoyled monster and imposing his own ready-made matriarch on the Square.
The rot's not only set in now, but gangrene is rampant. Can Newman pull it off? Well, another rat jumped the sinking ship today. Only time will tell. In the meantime, we get three shows for the price of one, and none of them are very good.
The Family Comedy-Drama: Bianca and Her Increasingly AWFUL Children
Well, I would not give you false hope ...BIANCA
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away.
Funny, in a recent interview, Patsy Palmer said Bianca was a good mother. Trust me, she's not, and if Patsy Palmer believes this, maybe she needs to look at her parenting skills, herself, something Bianca referenced repeatedly in this episode.
There's no doubt she loves her kids to bits, but love isn't enough. The kids are rude, entitled, obnoxious and undisciplined. They value nothing. Mowgan Le Fat is a greedy little fat boy, who, isn't averse to taking a large bowl of crisps and gobbling them down without remorse. Tiffany is a budding pre-teen who talks and acts like a seven year-old, is insouciant, impertinent and rude, and she's never corrected by her mother. She is the Simon Barlow of Walford.
Whenever these kids do mischief, especially against a neighbour or a neighbour's property, instead of correcting the kids and apologising to the person victimised, Bianca defends them blindly and encourages their bad behaviour.
Actually, she is just as bad, if her recent form on the market is anything to judge her by, the way she and her skanky partner Katshit Moon taunted and tormented Tamwar Masood, who was only doing his job. That was the depths, the pits of shitty, immature and chav behaviour.
Truth is, there are no good mothers on Albert Square, and Bianca is amongst the worst. This Bianca - not the Bianca of the 90s or even the Bianca or Diederick Santer - has extremely low intelligence, no common sense, an inflated sense of entitlement and is incompetent in every practicality. I sometimes wonder if she isn't borderline retarded.
Seriously.
She cannot cope with her children. She challenges every figure of authority who seeks to help her. When Liam had reading difficulties back in 2008, Bianca was quick to accuse the school, where Ricky listened to what the experts had to say about the child's problem, took the reading test with him and worked with him to improve his skills.
Bianca didn't.
When the school wanted to see her recently about Liam's attendance problems, once again, this was the school's fault, a fiasco of an interview which ended with the head handing Bianca her ignorant, filthy chavvy ass.
Bianca is like one of the kids, herself, which begs me thinking from time to time that Carol's the actual mother here, and Bianca one of five children; but then, she never could cope with them on her own. When she foisted toddler Liam off on Ricky back in 2003, she was pregnant by him. She promptly drifted to Nathan Dean and let him believe he'd fathered Tiffany. Morgan was retconned birth, who saw the introduction of Tony King, paedophile, into the family. When any male figure was away, Bianca decompensated, until she was evicted from her council property, and homeless. Ending up at Pat's house, it was Pat and Ricky, then Pat, Carol and Ricky who did the heavy parenting whilst Bianca played with the kids.
She couldn't even feed them properly and at one point last year, actually forked out in debt to buy the latest model telly rather than a winter coat for Tiffany or food for the table. The kids had mobile phones, a laptop and internet access, but nothing to eat in the cupboard.
Even now, Bianca's only interested in Liam's truancy problems because they could result in her going back to prison. Believe me, if that weren't on the cards, she wouldn't give a rat's arse.
Her naivete and arrogance as a parent was on full display tonight, especially on receipt of the forged letter praising Liam's attendance and praising her parenting skills. Anyone with any modicum of common sense would know that a school would never write a letter like that, either praising or criticising parenting skills.
Still, that was reason enough for Bianca to "allow" Liam a day off school for a feigned illness, whilst she paraded about the Square, rubbing everyone's nose in what was eventually a false triumph.
What is a particularly irksome quality about EastEnders is how they conveniently "forget" the existence of a character once they're no longer part and parcel of the programme. I'm referring to the Butcher children's father, Ricky, exiled by the combined forces of Carol and Bianca over a year ago. Although Tiffany was left with Ricky in order to finish the winter school term (presumably in Ipswich), his name hasn't been mentioned since their return. In fact, not too long ago, the mentally-challenged Bianca was heard to tell Katshit that she was "as good as divorced," which - in the real world - is neither her nor there and kind of like being a little bit pregnant.
Either you're divorced or you're not, and Bianca simply isn't. Even more insulting is the fact that Mr Stereotypical Caricatured and Token Angry Commitment-Shy Misogynist Black Man, also known as Ray Dixon, makes an appearance and it slotted right in as some pseudo father figure to the Butcher children in Ricky's absence.
This is Ray, who refuses to commit to any woman, including the babymamma of his abysmal daughter Sasha. This is Ray, who made a pass at Denise whilst still in a relationship with her sister and then threw Denise under a bus as a liar. This is Ray, who's idea of being a good parent is fixing a child a meal they wouldn't eat and then showering them with presents, whilst neglecting to get to know the simpler things like a favourite colour or pastime. And, most importantly, this is Ray, who let Liam know in no uncertain terms, that if Mowgan Le Fat bunked off school regularly, he'd find a clout coming from Ray.
Role model and father figure, indeed. But then again, this is Bianca, who reckoned that a paedophile was a better dad to her kids than a man she'd known and loved practically all her life.
Another increasingly annoying oversight on the part of the forgetful powers that be is that Ian Beale is Bianca's fucking uncle, damn it! And Ian's "kids" to whom Bianca so patronisingly referred tonight, are actually her first cousins. Bianca never went near the Brannings in her childhood and adolescence, yet shes' worked for Ian regularly since she was a teenager. More of her Beale history should be emphasised and elaborated. To the Brannings, she's an embarrassment and a village idiot.
The end to her sorry tale tonight was justified karma in finding that her blue-eyed boy, Liam, an equally unlikeable lunk of a kid with a low brow and a flat head, actually had one over on her - that he was a thief (like Bianca), a liar (like Bianca) and that he was in on the mugging of a neighbour. Now she's in a dilemma, and let's hear the peanut gallery squeal like stuck pigs when she chooses not to grass Liam up to the police and, thus, pervert the course of justice, just. Like. Phil. Mitchell.
Bianca's on licence. If this is ever found out, she's toast. I do live in hope. Anything that would drinve the dire Tiffany "I'm traumatised" Butcher back into the woodwork.
Meanwhile, Granny Carol has an admirer in Bianca's now ex-probation officer. Who didn't see that coming a mile off, back when he was introduced? They bond over dead children, as you do. Whatever or whoever he is, Carol will be happy as a pig in mud because she'll be all loved up and coming down the stairs from a bit of afternoon delight with a smile plastered on her face. I've lost count of the number of men. She's like the Blackwall Tunnel. Still, Patsy Palmer wants Sid Owen to return, and a happy Carol might mean she'll advise Bianca to let Ricky come home.
This one's for Bianca (amongst others). Let's hope karma doesn't bite too hard on her chavvy arse:
The RomCom:- Not Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan
Well, knowing the general consensus of opinion about Ian's bedroom performances as stated by no less than the late Cindy, Mel, Laura, Jane and Glenda, if the below ever happens, you'll know Denise is faking it, just like Meg:-
Diane Parish is one of the strongest actresses in EastEnders, and Denise is one of my favourite characters and - until recently - woefully underused; but why do TPTB insist on giving her unfunny romantic comedy situations with each new romantic interest - Kevin and the film knowledge competitions (I don't think I've ever seen Denise watch a film or refer to one since, and she was into French cinema then); playing hard to get with Lucas the horny vicar; and now TPTB are turning Ian Beale and Denise into a Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan vintage 1990s romcom.
Even the dialogue is corny, with something akin to this:-
Ian: I've always fancied you.
Denise: Even before you were a nice guy.
Ian: I know you always thought me a bit of a prat.
Denise: Well, more than a bit ...
No one does a man crying like Adam Woodyatt, so we're also treated to what is meant to be a poignantly tearful moment when Ian recalls his lowest point on the street, when he's about to end it all on Blackfriars Bridge and a ten year-old girl offers him a crisp, symbolic of hope.
OK, first off, we should have heard this conversation months ago when he was with his unseen counsellor, not as a pick-up line to soften the heart of a woman for whom he's horny. The dialogue at that point was so flowery and false, I kept looking at my feet on the floor just to make sure a hefty dose of bullshit hadn't jettisoned through the floorboards.
Now, I gather, we're going to be treated to Ian and Denise ducking and diving here and there to avoid detection of their not-so-secret affair ... and this is the same Denise, who only wanted companionship and comfort. That didn't last long.
To complete the romcom atmosphere, we're even treated to the presence of the curmdgeonly but kind elderly person who sees that the couple are really attracted to each other and who surreptitiously cheers them on from the sidelines. Patrick's now a plot device.
The Sitcom Itself: Father Knows Best or Men Behaving Badly?
Father Knows Best ... I think ...
Tamwar's now a hero, and all the market people who ridiculed him are sending him get well wishes (obviously, in hopes that he'll remember and not enforce pitch fees on them when he returns).
She's been gone for weeks, she was only there for weeks, and still Ayesha - like Derek - is lingering like a bad smell. How many times are we going to go over what Masood saw in Ayesha, why he behaved the way he did and precisely why he chose to stay with the remnants of his family instead of running away with an attractive woman young enough to be his daughter?
Once again, tonight, it seems.
Maybe this should be Ever Decreasing Circles:-
To hear Ajay, one of the many male characters TPTB reckon is "sexiest male" material try to speak sense, first to Tamwar ("I could have pulled with those" when Tamwar thrusts Ayesha's flowers in the rubbish bin) and then to Masood, telling him it's best not to tell Tamwar the whole truth about Ayesha entirely, was, quite succinctly, mind-boggling.
The Masoods aren't working, but neither is most of the show.
The Extraneous Bit
Abi and Jay, swanning about the Square doing nothing except planning a night of fucking and an elaborate lie that Abi will tell her mother. Why lie? When Tanya was Abi's age, she'd been around the sexual block more times than she'd care to count. She'd also dabbled in drugs, drink and shoplifting too. Abi will get up the duff by Jay, who - now that he's popped his own cherry - can walk with a swagger. Is Abi so stupid that she doesn't realise that her father - the one she only speaks to when she wants money - and stepma also live in the place where Abi's going to fuck? The B and B?
Scene of the night was when Tamwar royally handed Jay his arse for being so damned patronising.
Jay: Tamwar. You're a hero.
Tamwar: I was mugged and punched. That's hardly heroic.
This show so needs sorting out.
Do we get a reduction in our licence fee? We should, judging by the lack of quality in this programme at the moment.
People have cut Newman a lot of slack because the damage inflicted on EastEnders by Bryan Kirkwood was so extensive. In reality, the rot set in ten years ago, and what Kirkwood did, he was able to do by virtue of the weakened state of the show as a result of three very weak executive producers (Louise Berridge, Kathleen Hutchison and Kate Harwood - ironically now Head of Continuing Drama at the BBC, talk about the Peter Principle!) and the short-term remedies effected by Diederick Santer (returning old 90s characters and sensationalist plotlines) offset by turning the show from an ensemble piece to The Ronnie and Stacey Show).
Kirkwood set about re-creating EastEnders in his own image - as if he were some sort of soap opera God Almighty, including expanding the Branning family beyond belief, re-making Alfie and Kat into a doormat and a gargoyled monster and imposing his own ready-made matriarch on the Square.
The rot's not only set in now, but gangrene is rampant. Can Newman pull it off? Well, another rat jumped the sinking ship today. Only time will tell. In the meantime, we get three shows for the price of one, and none of them are very good.
The Family Comedy-Drama: Bianca and Her Increasingly AWFUL Children
Well, I would not give you false hope ...BIANCA
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away.
Funny, in a recent interview, Patsy Palmer said Bianca was a good mother. Trust me, she's not, and if Patsy Palmer believes this, maybe she needs to look at her parenting skills, herself, something Bianca referenced repeatedly in this episode.
There's no doubt she loves her kids to bits, but love isn't enough. The kids are rude, entitled, obnoxious and undisciplined. They value nothing. Mowgan Le Fat is a greedy little fat boy, who, isn't averse to taking a large bowl of crisps and gobbling them down without remorse. Tiffany is a budding pre-teen who talks and acts like a seven year-old, is insouciant, impertinent and rude, and she's never corrected by her mother. She is the Simon Barlow of Walford.
Whenever these kids do mischief, especially against a neighbour or a neighbour's property, instead of correcting the kids and apologising to the person victimised, Bianca defends them blindly and encourages their bad behaviour.
Actually, she is just as bad, if her recent form on the market is anything to judge her by, the way she and her skanky partner Katshit Moon taunted and tormented Tamwar Masood, who was only doing his job. That was the depths, the pits of shitty, immature and chav behaviour.
Truth is, there are no good mothers on Albert Square, and Bianca is amongst the worst. This Bianca - not the Bianca of the 90s or even the Bianca or Diederick Santer - has extremely low intelligence, no common sense, an inflated sense of entitlement and is incompetent in every practicality. I sometimes wonder if she isn't borderline retarded.
Seriously.
She cannot cope with her children. She challenges every figure of authority who seeks to help her. When Liam had reading difficulties back in 2008, Bianca was quick to accuse the school, where Ricky listened to what the experts had to say about the child's problem, took the reading test with him and worked with him to improve his skills.
Bianca didn't.
When the school wanted to see her recently about Liam's attendance problems, once again, this was the school's fault, a fiasco of an interview which ended with the head handing Bianca her ignorant, filthy chavvy ass.
Bianca is like one of the kids, herself, which begs me thinking from time to time that Carol's the actual mother here, and Bianca one of five children; but then, she never could cope with them on her own. When she foisted toddler Liam off on Ricky back in 2003, she was pregnant by him. She promptly drifted to Nathan Dean and let him believe he'd fathered Tiffany. Morgan was retconned birth, who saw the introduction of Tony King, paedophile, into the family. When any male figure was away, Bianca decompensated, until she was evicted from her council property, and homeless. Ending up at Pat's house, it was Pat and Ricky, then Pat, Carol and Ricky who did the heavy parenting whilst Bianca played with the kids.
She couldn't even feed them properly and at one point last year, actually forked out in debt to buy the latest model telly rather than a winter coat for Tiffany or food for the table. The kids had mobile phones, a laptop and internet access, but nothing to eat in the cupboard.
Even now, Bianca's only interested in Liam's truancy problems because they could result in her going back to prison. Believe me, if that weren't on the cards, she wouldn't give a rat's arse.
Her naivete and arrogance as a parent was on full display tonight, especially on receipt of the forged letter praising Liam's attendance and praising her parenting skills. Anyone with any modicum of common sense would know that a school would never write a letter like that, either praising or criticising parenting skills.
Still, that was reason enough for Bianca to "allow" Liam a day off school for a feigned illness, whilst she paraded about the Square, rubbing everyone's nose in what was eventually a false triumph.
What is a particularly irksome quality about EastEnders is how they conveniently "forget" the existence of a character once they're no longer part and parcel of the programme. I'm referring to the Butcher children's father, Ricky, exiled by the combined forces of Carol and Bianca over a year ago. Although Tiffany was left with Ricky in order to finish the winter school term (presumably in Ipswich), his name hasn't been mentioned since their return. In fact, not too long ago, the mentally-challenged Bianca was heard to tell Katshit that she was "as good as divorced," which - in the real world - is neither her nor there and kind of like being a little bit pregnant.
Either you're divorced or you're not, and Bianca simply isn't. Even more insulting is the fact that Mr Stereotypical Caricatured and Token Angry Commitment-Shy Misogynist Black Man, also known as Ray Dixon, makes an appearance and it slotted right in as some pseudo father figure to the Butcher children in Ricky's absence.
This is Ray, who refuses to commit to any woman, including the babymamma of his abysmal daughter Sasha. This is Ray, who made a pass at Denise whilst still in a relationship with her sister and then threw Denise under a bus as a liar. This is Ray, who's idea of being a good parent is fixing a child a meal they wouldn't eat and then showering them with presents, whilst neglecting to get to know the simpler things like a favourite colour or pastime. And, most importantly, this is Ray, who let Liam know in no uncertain terms, that if Mowgan Le Fat bunked off school regularly, he'd find a clout coming from Ray.
Role model and father figure, indeed. But then again, this is Bianca, who reckoned that a paedophile was a better dad to her kids than a man she'd known and loved practically all her life.
Another increasingly annoying oversight on the part of the forgetful powers that be is that Ian Beale is Bianca's fucking uncle, damn it! And Ian's "kids" to whom Bianca so patronisingly referred tonight, are actually her first cousins. Bianca never went near the Brannings in her childhood and adolescence, yet shes' worked for Ian regularly since she was a teenager. More of her Beale history should be emphasised and elaborated. To the Brannings, she's an embarrassment and a village idiot.
The end to her sorry tale tonight was justified karma in finding that her blue-eyed boy, Liam, an equally unlikeable lunk of a kid with a low brow and a flat head, actually had one over on her - that he was a thief (like Bianca), a liar (like Bianca) and that he was in on the mugging of a neighbour. Now she's in a dilemma, and let's hear the peanut gallery squeal like stuck pigs when she chooses not to grass Liam up to the police and, thus, pervert the course of justice, just. Like. Phil. Mitchell.
Bianca's on licence. If this is ever found out, she's toast. I do live in hope. Anything that would drinve the dire Tiffany "I'm traumatised" Butcher back into the woodwork.
Meanwhile, Granny Carol has an admirer in Bianca's now ex-probation officer. Who didn't see that coming a mile off, back when he was introduced? They bond over dead children, as you do. Whatever or whoever he is, Carol will be happy as a pig in mud because she'll be all loved up and coming down the stairs from a bit of afternoon delight with a smile plastered on her face. I've lost count of the number of men. She's like the Blackwall Tunnel. Still, Patsy Palmer wants Sid Owen to return, and a happy Carol might mean she'll advise Bianca to let Ricky come home.
This one's for Bianca (amongst others). Let's hope karma doesn't bite too hard on her chavvy arse:
The RomCom:- Not Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan
Well, knowing the general consensus of opinion about Ian's bedroom performances as stated by no less than the late Cindy, Mel, Laura, Jane and Glenda, if the below ever happens, you'll know Denise is faking it, just like Meg:-
Diane Parish is one of the strongest actresses in EastEnders, and Denise is one of my favourite characters and - until recently - woefully underused; but why do TPTB insist on giving her unfunny romantic comedy situations with each new romantic interest - Kevin and the film knowledge competitions (I don't think I've ever seen Denise watch a film or refer to one since, and she was into French cinema then); playing hard to get with Lucas the horny vicar; and now TPTB are turning Ian Beale and Denise into a Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan vintage 1990s romcom.
Even the dialogue is corny, with something akin to this:-
Ian: I've always fancied you.
Denise: Even before you were a nice guy.
Ian: I know you always thought me a bit of a prat.
Denise: Well, more than a bit ...
No one does a man crying like Adam Woodyatt, so we're also treated to what is meant to be a poignantly tearful moment when Ian recalls his lowest point on the street, when he's about to end it all on Blackfriars Bridge and a ten year-old girl offers him a crisp, symbolic of hope.
OK, first off, we should have heard this conversation months ago when he was with his unseen counsellor, not as a pick-up line to soften the heart of a woman for whom he's horny. The dialogue at that point was so flowery and false, I kept looking at my feet on the floor just to make sure a hefty dose of bullshit hadn't jettisoned through the floorboards.
Now, I gather, we're going to be treated to Ian and Denise ducking and diving here and there to avoid detection of their not-so-secret affair ... and this is the same Denise, who only wanted companionship and comfort. That didn't last long.
To complete the romcom atmosphere, we're even treated to the presence of the curmdgeonly but kind elderly person who sees that the couple are really attracted to each other and who surreptitiously cheers them on from the sidelines. Patrick's now a plot device.
The Sitcom Itself: Father Knows Best or Men Behaving Badly?
Father Knows Best ... I think ...
Tamwar's now a hero, and all the market people who ridiculed him are sending him get well wishes (obviously, in hopes that he'll remember and not enforce pitch fees on them when he returns).
She's been gone for weeks, she was only there for weeks, and still Ayesha - like Derek - is lingering like a bad smell. How many times are we going to go over what Masood saw in Ayesha, why he behaved the way he did and precisely why he chose to stay with the remnants of his family instead of running away with an attractive woman young enough to be his daughter?
Once again, tonight, it seems.
Maybe this should be Ever Decreasing Circles:-
To hear Ajay, one of the many male characters TPTB reckon is "sexiest male" material try to speak sense, first to Tamwar ("I could have pulled with those" when Tamwar thrusts Ayesha's flowers in the rubbish bin) and then to Masood, telling him it's best not to tell Tamwar the whole truth about Ayesha entirely, was, quite succinctly, mind-boggling.
The Masoods aren't working, but neither is most of the show.
The Extraneous Bit
Abi and Jay, swanning about the Square doing nothing except planning a night of fucking and an elaborate lie that Abi will tell her mother. Why lie? When Tanya was Abi's age, she'd been around the sexual block more times than she'd care to count. She'd also dabbled in drugs, drink and shoplifting too. Abi will get up the duff by Jay, who - now that he's popped his own cherry - can walk with a swagger. Is Abi so stupid that she doesn't realise that her father - the one she only speaks to when she wants money - and stepma also live in the place where Abi's going to fuck? The B and B?
Scene of the night was when Tamwar royally handed Jay his arse for being so damned patronising.
Jay: Tamwar. You're a hero.
Tamwar: I was mugged and punched. That's hardly heroic.
This show so needs sorting out.
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