BranningEnders: A FISH STINKS FROM ITS HEAD - Review 15.01.2013

The Brannings have taken over Walford. There goes the neighbourhood:-

Surprisingly, this was possibly the most watchable episode since the New Year's fiasco, and for all the right and wrong reasons. However, I don't know if it's repetition for emphasis or whether or not Lorraine Newman's particularly puerile storyliners, as well as herself, are pandying to the only demographic left who are seeing the show in a positive light - the professional shippers and the lowest common denominators of teens,

Ne'mind the people who have watched this programme from its inception, or even the 90s, or even from the first decade of this century. As someone on one of the fora stated in a comment today - Digital Spy or Walford Web, I I don't remember - when an established character from a former period is re-introduced (Sharon, for example), that's a nod to older viewers, an attempt to regain the interest of people who've lost interest for some reason. 

However, Sharon's return is proving to be a massive fail? Why? Because she is unrecogniseable from the established character we knew for so many years, and here lies the dangers of the waters in which EastEnders is treading: Sharon was part of the EastEnders' brand; in fact, more than any other character, apart from her father, Den Watts, Sharon symbolised EastEnders. She was, effectively speaking, the brand for EastEnders.

And when a brand becomes unrecogniseable to the point that it's unfamiliar to punters who've previously invested time, interest and - yes - money in its survival, then it's in trouble big time.

Shippers gonna ship, and I'm sure some of the ragtag army of the same will attempt to rationalise this by pointing out that people change over the years, and that Sharon's changed, as a result of her life experiences, but that, frankly, is a load of bullshit.

Carol Jackson is still recogniseable - and for the same reasons she's always been so - as the same Carol Jackson who sloped into Walford back in the early 90s. Bianca is still, essentially the same character, albeit older. Even Dot, for all her being kitted out in skinny jeans and fashion boots, with pierced ears and a Smart car with satnav, reverted to the type with whom we are most familiar tonight.

Nowhere was it made more evident what a secondary, B-list, insipid shadow of a character that Sharon's become than tonight - sat there at the Branning table in the Vic, which had been appropriated by the Brannings at a moment's notice for yet another family dinner (the meme that's been on constant lather-rinse-repeat for this bunch of poor white trash since Christmas - the third "fairmly" dinner in practically as many weeks), permatanned and bleached to the gills, smiling like a bimbo at Jack's side and casting wordless aspersions in the way of judgemental looks Kirsty's way, when the old Sharon would have reserved judgement on a person about whom she knew nothing for herself.

EastEnders, under Bryan Kirkwood fucked up Kat Moon, so much to the extent that most people now see her as irredeemable; however, since Kat was one of Lorraine Newman's original creations, the public be damned; and we are seeing a re-write of Kat to such an extreme that the viewing public's intelligence is being insulted. We are asked to believe that (a) she is as ever the eternal victim, (b) that Derek forced her into a relationship and (c) that Roxy caused her to lose her job, her home and her husband.

With some of the more dimwitted viewers, this spin is working; but if Ms Newman would care to look at either Digital Spy, Walford Web or IMDB fora, she'd see that people are buying none of this - just as they are buying none of Sharon-the-Once-and-Future-Brannning, whose use of Ian Beale as an unpaid babysitter is beyond a joke, considering their friendship. That fuck-up and fuck-over of Sharon is down to Newman, Simon Branning-Lover PantsAshdown, and Emer Kenney, the child prodigy twentysomething who eschews any sort of history the show has to recreate her own Walford reality, walking evidence of today's youth culture who lives by the edict that "if it happened before I was born, it doesn't matter."

Kirkwood may be the man who stuffed EastEnders, but Newman will be known as the woman who destroyed the legend that was Sharon Watts.

This is why EastEnders is beginning to whiff like Brookside.

The Return of the Native. Dot is back. I was never a fan of Dot or June Brown, who can sometimes be the hammiest of actors, and she was, in varying degrees, tonight. But I was glad to see her - up to a point. I remember Dot from the getgo. In the 80s, Dot was a rampant Christian, the worst sort. In fact she was presented as the worst advertisement for the Christian religion (and I'm not a believer) - the sort of caricatured Christian the BBC loved to promote. EastEnders deals a lot in caricatures; one only has to look at its ethnic characters.

She was a Scripture-quoting hypocrite and an abysmal mother. Still, there were humanising elements within her character, as the years developed; but until the late 90s, when she became involved with Jim Branning, Dot was mostly a tragi-comic character who was most likely to be pitied but who was never taken seriously and certainly not the proverbial matriarch.

Now, she's the de facto Branning matriarch, charged by Jim with taking care of the family, which means virtually every aspect of the Square. Poor Dot. Leave it to Dot to reign over a hodgepodge of inbreds, wife-swappers, sluts, bent coppers, amoralists, mouth-breathers and general poor white trash losers.

It will be like herding cats ...

The Wrath of Dot has arrived, and she wastes no time in honing in on people who've taken advantage of her hospitality since she was away - Cora, who's literally let the house go to ruin as well as taken her job at the launderette, and invited strangers to live with her in the house. Of course, she's taken aback by Poppy, someone she doesn't know, living under her roof on Cora's say-so.

As pointless as they are, Arthur and Poppy are more likeable than the rest of the mean-spirited, entitled, rude and just plain despicable youngsters who populate the show. And I'm glad Fatboy moved into Arthur mode again. It suits him, and I like his relationship with Dot, reminscent of her relationship with Bradley. He smoothed the way for Dot's approval of Poppy, and the end scene tonight spoke volumes for Dot's opinion of Jim's family.

The beginning of Dot's journey tonight was a result of seeing skanky Lauren fucking around with cousin Jah-WAAH tonight, who'd happened to have left his underwear at Dot's. 

Pardon me? In case I'm wrong, Jah-WAAH lives at Dot's, does he not? He was one of the waifs and strays Cora moved in, allegedly, to help with the bills, and he produced  a fistful of dosh to pay his way - although that probably went to keep the old gray man in drag coot in whiskey and cigarettes. So why was Jah-WAAH thinking he'd lost his knickers when they were there in the house where he lived?

Continuity ... lack thereof.

Dot's first port of call is to the home of the respectable Max Branning and co. The phony, sickly-sweet reaction of Tanya to Dot was pukeworthy. Strange, too, that it took Dot's disapproval of Lauren's fucking around in her house to produce a semblance of shame in Tanya, albeit none in Max. Tanya's all about appearances, you see. Lauren is supposed to be the product of a middle-class upbringing and here she goes acting like a skank whore, acting like ... well, like someone like Kirsty, whom Tanya's still on about Max chasing out of town. She tells him to see his solicitor ... and? Kirsty cannot be forced to sign divorce papers. She's there to fight for her husband, who abandoned her without reason.

Once again, we have Tanya taking advantage of a situation to try to crack a nut with a sledgehammer, and ending up getting handed her ample ass on a plate. Dot wanted a family get-together at her place, but Tanya wanted yet another example of Branning togetherness, a show of unity at the Vic, where Kirsty worked, to drive home the point of their solidarity.

Is this woman stupid? I totally believe that she is. Her head is so far up her arse that she honestly cannot see sense or sensibility.

Tanya

And once again, Kirsty bests her. And once again, Max proves that he really, really, really, really. really isn't ready to dump Kirsty, with his advice to Ray that she's high maintenance, like Kim. Ray's once bitten, but he's twice shy.

Tanya proved her mean commonness the way she addressed Kirsty tonight, and -hallelujah! - it's finally established by Kirsty, when Dot assumes that Max has been cheating again, that he has, indeed, been cheating, but with Tanya, because Kirsty is his wife.

I dislike these children intensely, but the scene of the evening had to go to Tiffany and MAWgun for their observations:-

Tiffany's summary of Christmas Day was accurate:-

Uncle Max was getting ready to marry Auntie Tanya again when this lady showed up and said she was Uncle Max's wife, and then Uncle Derek snuffed it.

And MAWgun's reaction to Lauren fucking about with Joey:-

Eeeeeeuuuuuwwww! That would be like me kissing Abi on the mouth!

Kudos, as well, to Bianca, for disabusing Carol of any doubts she might have had about the Lauren-Joey lustfest - yes, Carol, it's not against the law, but as Bianca says, it's creepy; because the bloodlines are that close, and it can affect children.

Google the Hapsburgs. They used to be a big family who ruled the Austrian and Spanish Empires. This is the last Hapsburg King of Spain. This is what happens when cousins marry cousins ...

This is Carlos II of Spain. Looks a bit like Joey Branning, doesn't he? By the way, Carlos was a mouth-breather too.

Dot's reaction was spot on, even to Cora's challenging her to cite Scripture negating the relationship. Dot's beyond Scripture with this and into science with this: it's simply not right. I'm glad she left the table, and I'm glad she is enough of a moral arbitre to make even Tanya, who has the morals of a skank, ashamed and humiliated. The Brannings can strut their shit to the whole of Walford with impugnity, but they cannot stand the wrath of Dot.

She more than walked away from that lot of trailer trash losers. I think she saw through their shallowness and their phoniness, even calling out the exact nature of Sharon's relationship with Jack - Sharon's had it hard and Jack's not been lucky. It's a pity party, nicely put.

The cack-handed effort made by Arthur and Poppy meant more to Dot than the elaborate "fairmly" dinner and drinksfest, wherein Max Branning had to sell at least two of the four cars on his forecourt to afford. And finally, some home truths were told to Cora the Bora, who had the nerve to take the moral high ground in reminding Dot that she cut and ran after Heather's death, but Cora was there for her family ... and accomplished nothing: getting drunk with Lauren (which  she described as listening to her), mooning after Ava the Rava and her little Cock, getting pissed, not paying bills, losing her job and - as Dot will soon find out - leaving her a mountain of debt.

The Wrath of Dot was dead right. Cora did nothing more than she did that evening - sit, drink and crack bad jokes. I'm glad Dot kicked her lazy, drink-sodden ass out to the gutter where she belongs. 

Welcome back, Dot. Ditch the skinny jeans and boots. You're the last of a dying breed.

Skank Sr and Skank Jr. That would be Tanya and Lauren. Max tells Lauren she goes about in life treating people and circumstances as if nothing else matters. That's true. Lauren recognises this trait in her putrid mother but fails to recognise the trait in herself - again, just like Tanya, when home truths are thrown her way,

She was so ashamed to face Dot tonight that she was borderline rude to her, and then at the end of it all, she was only thinking about herself and her feelings, asking Abi plaintively if she were ashamed of her. Boo-bloody-hoo. Abi's just finished a biology exam. She'd have known plenty about bloodlines and consaguinity. 

And the look on Tanya's and Max's faces - Tanya's especially - when Dot sussed that they knew all along about Lauren fucking about with Joey. They were so lackadaisical and laid back about this before, but presented to the world and their inter-familial moral arbitre, it's a bit, well, you know about inbreds ...

And at last Max issues Lauren with an ultimatum to return to school, except the shitty, little spoilt brat is too uninterested and ungrateful to take an interest in anything except sticking her tongue down the open-mouthed throat of her cousin.

As Lucy Beale pointed out, her boyfriend is her family.

The White Trashisasation of Sharon Watts. Sharon looks like a cross between Diana Dors and Miss Piggy. And I'm a fan of Sharon's. Or was. This woman is not Sharon. She's a Branning blow-up plastic sex toy of a doll, probably purchased with some of Derek's dodgy money from Trotter & Co of Peckham. To see her cooing and preening about Jack's engagement ring. Dot should have asked this:-

Oooh I say, Sharon, 'ave yer met any of Jack's other children, you know, because besides young Amy, there's Penny, wot's in Paris with 'er mum, and Richard. But you'd surely know Richard's mum. Sam! Sam Mitchell wot used ter be yer sister-in-law! Why, I'm surprised Jack ain't told ya - although I wouldn't be fer going ter visit on 'oneymoon and all, seeing as 'ow Sam and Richard live with your Grant - you know, your ex-'usband as was before poor Dennis.

I mean, who the hell are these writers?

Another continuity error ... Sharon, of course, has left DamienDen with her reliable free babysitter Ian Beale. That's right, Sharon's oldest friend has been reduced to servant-status, at the beck and call of Sharon-the-Branning-Satellite.

Only, whilst they're inside partying, Ian's outside coming to Denise's rescue, after an altercation with Kim. So who's at home minding Denny, because Lucy might just be working?

Oh, and clock Bianca's rolling eyes when Sharon's preening about becoming a Branning. I'm with you on that one Bianca. But, girl, you have to remember, your children live in their aunt's house - it's a Butcher putting a roof over your head, and your Beale family employ your mother. The Brannings do nothing for you.

The Rude Masoods. Dire, just dire. Ayesha is another character who isn't working. If this is supposed to be light relief, it isn't funny. Zainab, in her last days, is just a parody of herself, a repeat of the overbearing Asian mother she played on Goodness Gracious Me.

Ayesha is a simpleton, and she loves Masood, but he did himself no favours tonight, when she asked him if he thought she was doing the right thing in giving Rachid a second chance. Instead of encouraging her, basically to get her off his back and other parts of his anatomy,and saying she was doing the right thing, he tells her to do whatever makes her happy - which is trying to seduce Masood. For a moment there, I was wondering if Masood were morphing into a Branning.

I actually think it's pretty disgusting that Zainab's leaving line is so poorly written and is taking second place to the almighty Branning Adventure, which is really Queen Tanya's leaving line.

Ray Is a Penis. End of. And, Ray, Kirsty is a dick-tease. She's no more interested in you than she is leaving Walford. You are a coward, and even more so, in asking Denise, a woman you lied about, threw under a bus and destroyed her family, to make your case about breaking with her sister.

Kim is still so pent up with her own self-importance and desperation to bag a man that she's still blaming Denise. Any sensible woman - like Denise, for example - can see what an asshole Ray is. Ne'mind. I don't imagine either Ray or Kim will walk the streets of Walford much longer, as they'll be getting something nice and shiny from Ms Newman in order to make way for Ava the Rava and her Little Cock.

Denise, however ... star of the show. Ian should shove Sharon's kid back at her and tell her where to go and how to get there with Jack Brannning.

Tell you what, though ... in those two seconds-long scenes Jack shared with Kirsty last night, there was miles more sexual chemistry between the two of them than ever between Jack and Sharon. In fact, Jack took up for Christy tonight against Tanya's pointless, bitchy barbs.

Kirsty and Jack ... Kack ... watch this space. This time, Max is gonna get played.

Speaking of bad girls, I'm surprised Kat wasn't included in tonight's bunfest. Imagine having to tell Dot what that nice Derek was doing in breaking up Alfie Moon's marriage - well, Kat, at least, would be telling her that, but Dot would know different.