The Branning Abomination: When White Trash Meets Inbreds - Review 10.01.2013

This show is all over the place, although tonight's episode had a soupcon of intrigue. Just a soupcon, mind, as in "blink-and-you-would-miss-it." 

We should play a game, right? How about Spot the Soupcon? Think about where the "soupcon of intrigue occurred, and I'll reveal it at the end. Oh, and for all ye of little minds who surreptitiously scurry to read this blog and then wail in high dudgeon about being misquoted, like a certain delicate little fruit flower did yesterday, the word is pronounced "soo-soh" and lil'Miss Fruity just exhibited a high amount of enormous ego.

The Fallen Madonnas with the Big Boobies.

(Like EastEnders, you just can't emphasize something too much.)

Let's see ... that would be ... Kat and Kirsty, of course. We might also add in Roxy and Tanya, for good measure, who - although they might be as amply endowed - put less on display, and with reason.

Tanya is pretending to be a respectable middle class woman. I don't know if you've noticed, but this autumn, she's started wearing gloves with her twinsets. Horrible mauve faux leather things, totally incongruous, but harkening back to the days when women didn't set foot outside the house without their gloves. Maybe she's been watching too much of The Hour when it was on, but I doubt Tanya ever goes near BBC2, and if she did, she'd spend the entire time the series aired looking at the period clothing the women wore to the extent that she'd notice nothing else, so that at the end of the thing, she'd turn to Max and say:-

I doan know why vey all praise vat, Max ... Ah mean, wot wazzat all abaht. Loada bloody rubbish ... still, vat was a GAWjus dress she was wearin', innit?

I'm wondering what's coming next in the accessorize department - the pearls or the Margaret Thatcher hat. Let's throw in some elocution lessons, but Joey would probably benefit from that more.

And Roxy, well, she's supposed to be a local businesswoman now, settling down (at last) with a man she loves, so she's supposed to be ... well, respectable.

Consider those four women: Kat, Kirsty, Roxy and Tanya. Now here's another game.

Spot the Slut. Go on. Try. You'd be surprised. Here are the candidates from least to worst in the slut stakes ...

Fourth Place (and the furthest thing from a slut): Roxy Mitchell.

Is Roxy childish? Yes. Is she petulant and spoiled? Very much so. She's a thirtysomething woman who can be very child-like. That's thanks to her  silly sister Ronnie, who mollycoddled her from an early age until she was way past her adoption date. But Roxy's grown up in the past few years, especially since dippy droopy Ronnie left.

There are many on Digital Spy who freely label Roxy a slut or a homewrecker, when she's anything but. Roxy's been on the Square coming up for six years now, this summer. In that time she's had the following sexual liaisions:-

• Jack Branning (a one-night stand of angry sex which resulted in a pregnancy in 2008).
• Sean Slater (casual, occasional no-strings sex, which resulted in her thinking he may have been the father of her child. She married him, also in 2008).
• Al Jenkins (casual and short relationship in 2010. He liked her more than she liked him.)
• Michael Moon (creepy, controlling relationship in 2011, in the wake of the babyswap; mercifully brief).
• Jack Branning (one-night stand of sympathy sex when Roxy was battling for Amy and Jack had just been divorced from Ronnie, early 2012).
• Ajay Ahmed (one night stand in 2012).

That's five men in five years, one of them twice. Add to that that she was deeply and emotionally attached to Christian, who was gay; and now she's in love - probably the first real adult emotion she's felt in her life) with Alfie.

Two things annoy the Roxy-haters to no end, and they constantly harp about this - the fact that Roxy slept with and got pregnant by Jack and the fact that she came onto Max Branning early in 2012. The Roxy-haters harp on about Roxy sleeping with "her sister's man," but both times Roxy fell into the Sperminator's arms, he and Ronnie were not a couple. The first time (angry sex) occurred after Jack and Ronnie had broken up - when Roxy informed Ronnie that Jack had bonked  his ex-wife over the desk in the R and R office. That was an angry "take that!" from Jack which left a permanent souvenir. And Ronnie and Jack were no longer a couple when the second close encounter occurred (sympathy sex). Jack was feeling bad because Ronnie had just divorced him, and he'd lashed out at Roxy, calling her a bad mother (pot-kettle and all that).

The other thing marking her for their hatred is her half-hearted pursuit of Max Branning, immediately after her second one-nighter with Jack. Honestly, people have so lost count of Max's and Tanya's break-ups and make-ups, that some people insist on viewing them as a married couple all the time. Here's what we knew then: Max was in a committed relationship with Tanya, who was living adulterously with Max and waiting for the year to pass when Greg would file divorce papers (he had grounds, remember, she committed adultery). What was abominable was that that vixen Roxy would even think about making Max cheat when his saint of a wife was recovering from cancer (actually, it was a cold).

Here's what we know now: Max was a married man, who'd deserted his legal wife to live adulterously with his ex-wife who was living adulterously with him, having cheated with him on her husband.

And Roxy was the slut in all of that. Roxy was lonely for companionship. She'd just been put through the wringer by the Brannings, who were trying to get custody of Amy, and her dig at Max was a bit of revenge and a bit of loneliness. She backed off and immediately told Tanya what she'd attempted to do and apologised.

Slutability factor: Nil

Third Place (and with a smidgeon of a future possibility): Kirsty Branning

Kirsty's new to the area, and we don't know much about her past. Yet. We know she was an exotic dancer, and some people - one in particular on Digital Spy - reckons that equates with "prostitute." Well, people like Isadora Duncan and Agnes DeMille (Google them, Luddites) were exotic dancers, and neither of them were prozzies. Exotic dancing, pole dancing, even stripping exist as trades on the fringes of the sex industry, but they by no means indicate that the people who work in those trades are, were or will ever be prostitutes. For example, exotic dancers and pole dancers in some venues earn a great deal of money. In some instances, students actually work in those trades. It means they work a few evenings and on weekends, leaving their days for studies and they earn good money which they apply to their tuition.

It's obvious Kirsty's not a student, but it's also cannot be said that she was ever a prostitute. This same commentator also implied she had a history with drugs. Again, that is an assumption. There is, however, a candidate amongst our quartet who does have a known history with drugs. More of that later.

Kirsty's "sin" is to fall in love with a single man and, after a whirlwind courtship with him, married him in good faith. After a couple of months, inexplicably, he deserted her, and wouldn't see her again for over a year, when she came seeking him, looking for an explanation behind his desertion.

Kirsty still has a connection with Max. She carried his child and aborted it when Derek convinced her that Max no longer wanted her. She also knows, from Max's words and his demeanor, that he still has feelings for her, and she's fighting for her husband.

Still, there she was, in all her glory tonight behind the bar at the Vic, baps thrust up and out, a worthy successor to Kat's fashion sense. I'm surprised she didn't have the ubiquitous red bra on display.

Slutability factor:- A soupcon.

Second Place (and playing the victim card hard): Kat Moon

Poor pitiful Kat, She thinks to go cleaning wearing stilettos, a mini skirt and a leopard print top cut low and showing much cleavage. Looking up, poor pitiful Kat sees how far the mighty have fallen: Her name is still above the door of the pub, but she's been reduced, symbolically, to the role of bog-scrubber.

In case you've forgotten, Kat cheated on her husband. Not once, but many times, always shifting the blame onto the fact that her husband, who loved the bones of her, didn't worship at her woo-woo 24/7. It was never Kat's fault. She was the ubiquitous dirty girl. Her latest crime and misdemeanor was to enter willingly into an adulterous relationship with Derek Shaggerman Branning. She wanted the relationship. Who can forget her licking her lips lasciviously and inviting him into the Vic's kitchen, spreading her legs?

Since the reveal, right before Christmas, not only has Kat played the penitent sinner, she's repeatedly told all and sundry, including and above all, Alfie, that the entire affair was Derek's fault. He forced her, threatened to tell Alfie. He made it impossible for her to stop. He spoiled everything. Derek ruined her marriage. She's still not taking responsibility, and although she apologised to Alfie when caught in her lies, she was only sorry because she was caught.

Tonight, her wail was all about Roxy, who'd taken her job, taken her pub and taken her husband. She said it again: Roxy was stealing her husband. Once again, shift the blame. Derek and Roxy were the forces behind the break-up of the Moon marriage, when we all know that the real blame should lie with Kat.

Let's look at some hard facts:-

• Phil Mitchell, Roxy's cousin, owns the Vic, so the Vic is not "Kat's" pub.
• Roxy is, in fact, the manager, appointed by Phil, after Alfie and Kat had taken off without warning after Alfie initially found out Kat had been cheating on him. So Roxy was, in effect, Kat's and Alfie's boss, and is still Alfie's boss. So Roxy didn't steal Kat's job. It was taken from her by Phil, her real boss and bestowed upon Roxy because of Kat's ineptitude and her, yes, irresponsibility.
• Roxy declared her love for Alfie back in the spring, when Kat was away. Alfie didn't return her sentiment, rather gently explaining to her that he was married to Kat and was providing for her, his business and his family. Roxy backed off and didn't pursue, until Kat's matrimonial perfidy was exposed. Roxy didn't steal Kat's husband; Kat abused her husband emotionally, psychologically and physically and actually drove him into Roxy's arm.

Slutability factor: High

First Place and Winner of the Walford Wondrous Slut Award: Tanya Cross Branning Jessop Cross

Her sluttish history is well-documented - home-wrecker before she was twenty, attempted murderer, shacking up with her husband's brother while still married, because she's entitled, bitch-baiting her ex-husband's girlfriend, cheating on her husband with Max (remember the "Bob the Builder" moment), lying about his part in the affair, lying about her cancerm burdening her teenaged daughter with her cancer cold, etc.

The list goes on. Did I mention she's a drunk? Well, she is.

Her cardinal sin is her innate and atrocious selfishness, on full display tonight, as well as her inability to recognise her own sinful behaviour. She doesn't recognise that she stole Rachel's husband from her, and she doesn't recognise the karma factor on hand now. She divorced Max and re-married Greg. When she cheated on Greg, she was married, Max wasn't. And when she bullied Max out of Walford, he was a single man. She egged her daughters into telling him never to return and Max left to begin a new life. He fell in love and married.

Now, Tanya refuses to see herself for what she is - the other woman. Again. Kirsty, as rough and ready as she is, really is Max's wife. And, as it was in the beginning, it's Tanya trying to steal Kirsty's husband.

The marriage of Max and Tanya is one founded on lies, deceit, secrets and sex. Not love. The children bind them, but as their first scene showed tonight, Max and Tanya are so wrapped up in their own selfish interests, that they regularly ignore their children. Tanya was so wrapped up in berating Max to get rid of Kirsty this morning that she totally ignored the fact that Abi needed feeding, that she had a chemistry exam about which she was worried or that, it appeared that Lauren the Lip had spent a night of incestuous passion with her cousin upstairs. The fact that neither Tanya nor Max seem anything but blase that their daughter is bonking her cousin just indicates what lowlife amoral inbreds these people are - and the hypocrisy: Tanya's word to Lauren tonight at the dinner - sit well away from Joey, they were cousins at the table - just to impress Kirsty and intimidate her into the false belief that the Brannings were a solid and happy family unit.

Needless to say, Kirsty's miles above Tanya in cunning and intellect. She saw through the facade, and that wasn't difficult.

Slutability factor: Matron saint.

Max and Alfie Are Two Men Who Love Their Wives.

True dat.

Max and Alfie should share their problems over a drink. They have a lot in common. Both are in love with their wives, and both lie regularly about these wives, to the women with whom they live.

Immediately Kat didn't show for her cleaning job, Alfie knew why. No one had to tell him, but Alfie knew why. So he lies to Roxy and toodles off to have a word, lying to Roxy, as you do.

Has he learned nothing? Apparently not, as has Max - because the first thing Max does, when despatched by the other woman to order Kirsty from the Square, is invite her to dinner. So later, when Kirsty mentions her invitation to the hostess with the mostest, Tanya is forced to lie through her teeth that it was her idea. Kirsty sees through it. She didn't come down with the last shower of rain, did our Kirsty.

Alfie is concerned with Kat and wants to talk to her about her forebodings. But Kat is all about Roxy, thinking Roxy is sneering at her, that she offered her a job out of charity yadda yadda ...Kat has gone from victim to saint to martyr. Quick, ring the Pope. Now all the blame for Kat's predicament lies with Roxy, who's stolen her pub, her job and her husband, whilst Kat's forced to scrub floors on her knees ... cue music:-

Kat misunderstands Alfie's kindness, when he invites her to drink in the pub again. (And by the way, who was minding Tommy when she came begging him to read him a story? Alice?) The thing is, Kat totally misunderstood and took that "soupcon" of kindness to mean more, and she used Tommy as a device to stake a claim on Alfie - referencing their son, Alfie reading him a bedtime story that somehow jumped to Alfie being in bed with Kat and making up funny stories, all told in front of Roxy, all told to intimidate Roxy, all told with the intention of starting a ruckus with Roxy and forcing Alfie to take sides.

I do believe Alfie still has feelings for Kat. The fact that he's moved on so quickly on the rebound  to Roxy, simply because Alfie, feeling rejected, needs emotional reinforcement and re-encouragement. He needs to feel that he's loved and the object of someone's desire,and Roxy, who loves him, slotted nicely into place. But Kat is still there, and he's seeing her every day.

She's not heeding Shirley's advice, she's not giving him time and space to settle, before she fights to get him back. I still maintain that the first step back for Kat will be to accept that their marriage was ruined because of her wanton and selfish actions. She needs to apologise for breaking his heart for no reason whatsoever other than she was bored.

It's actually painful to watch this play out, because we know that eventually Alfie will return to Kat - this Christmas 2013 is their tenth wedding anniversary, and the time will be ripe. He will try to love Roxy, but as long as Kat is in Walford, they will always be drawn to each other like magnets.

Max, on the other hand, is the same way about Kirsty. Unlike most of the other Brannings, is capable of compassion and a certain amount of guilt. He's admitted that he didn't want to face Kirsty in the aftermath of his desertion because he still has feelings for her and may be tempted to enter into temptation again. At the dinner table tonight, Max looked like a cornered rat. He knows that Kirsty knows him better than Tanya ever could, and he's afraid of giving himself away. As much as Tanya might demand Max do his damnedest to rid Walford of Kirsty, he simply won't. He can't. Because, like Alfie, he loves his wife.

Observations: Bianca is really the Brannings' village idiot. She is their Billy Mitchell. I ask you, how bloody stupid - after hearing Roxy tell Phil that Alfie had gone to see a supplier, she should have sussed, seeing Alfie go to Number 23, that he was seeing Kat on the QT; but no, she blabs, and later, she's almost waving her arms, begging Alfie's recognition in order to apologise for grassing him up. I'm sorry, but did she get a lobotomy while she was in prison?

Once again, in a spontaneous moment, Jack and Roxy really had chemistry. They worked well in their brief scene in the cafe where Jack told Roxy to give Alfie some space. Jack smiled and it looked genuinely happy - but not because he'd bagged Shazza. He was happy in Roxy's company. I suppose when Alfie bins her, they'll pair her up with Jack the Peg in an effort to stave off axing the plank.

Zainab the Hateful, Ayesha the Deceitful and Denise and Ian.

We know Zainab's about to leave, because she's becoming steadily more hateful. Denise is supposed to be her best friend, yet it's obvious she's done nothing but gossip about her predicament - which is really an overreaction by her pithy sister Kim. Now, she's after a promotion that Denise wants.

Hmmmm ... remember how Yolande left? She was promoted to Area Manager also. I reckon Zainab gets the promotion, considers refusing it because - after all - Mas stepped down from his ambition to be a teacher, but then finds out about Ayesha's pursuit of Mas and leaves in a huff.

Now begins yet another romcom adventure for Denise - this time with a view to pairing her with Ian, eventually becoming the fifth Mrs Beale. I admit, I like the idea of Denise and Ian together, as long as they don't wimp out Denise. She's his equal, has her own business, and her own children. This would be, in many ways, the first really adult relationship Ian Beale has ever had.

Nitpicking: Denise was wailing about her kids not visiting her. If I recall correctly, in the early days of Kirkwood, it was Denise, in the wake of Lucas, who told them to leave Walford and never come back, not even to visit her. And recently, she made a visit to Libby in Oxford.

It Happened One Night (Unfortunately): Sharon and Jack the Peg

Have you ever seen a more reluctant fiancee. Jack leads Sharon around Sharon like a prize pig at a fair auction. All she needs is the nose ring. And while Sharon can effect the plastic smile and pay court to Queen Tanya, she can't hide her true feelings from Phil. She's unhappy with Jack, but what the hell does she want? Phil to come out with fists swinging? God, spare us from this spineless bimbo pretending to be Sharon. Do these writers know nothing of her history.

With all due respect, Pete Lawson, please invest a bit of your time in watching the following from the 1990s and Sharon's heyday with the Mitchells:-

Watch and learn. Watch and learn. Sharon does not love Jack. Dennis was not the love of Sharon's life, Grant was and quite possibly still is. The Mitchells and Sharon go instinctively together. This woman is not Sharon.

Yet Another Dinner Party from Hell with Cock au Vin Surprise ... Run, Ava, Run!

Time was, the Mitchell Christmas bunfests were the thing of the critics' satire, but they were class acts compared to the Brannings' fiascos. Tonight's fare, the second in a space of two weeks, counting Christmas, was nothing short of an embarrassment.

The old gray nag, Cora the Bora, was drunk again. Before dinner. So drunk, she couldn't cube the potatoes she was indiscriminately slicing sloppily - because, you know, Tanya wanted to convey the impression that the Brannings were so superiour and frightfully middle class. She wanted the potatoes cubed so she could saute' them in a posh manner. Instead, because of Cora the Bora's ineptitude, all they got was a bowl of good old English mash.

It was all keeping up appearances - hide the fact that Lauren the Lip and Cousin Joey were going at it like rabbits. For one night only, they had to act like proper cousins and not the inbreds they were ...

Abi flirting with someone who'd come onto her a couple of days ago and asking him to a family dinner is the height of ignorance. This kid could have been anyone, and Tanya was stupid to assume he was a sixth form friend.

But how the best laid plans of mice and men fall apart when forced, and Tanya trying to present the Brannings as a closeknit and loving middle class family fell apart and left Kirsty laughing at Tanya's desperation. I daresay Kirsty's had a rough upbringing - she did say that she had no family who'd care enough about her to show up (which means that, somewhere down the line, there's a whole new passel of Branning satellites waiting to be introduced), but Tanya's bunch and the way they all behaved only revealed to her that not only was she dealing with people who were, at the very most, her social equals - scrubbed up and affecting airs and graces, but also probably people who were lower then she or her lot were on the social scale of things.

Dexter, who still is nothing more than yet another young cock, gives Joey and Tyler a run for their money in the inability to speak intelligibly. Honestly, is there a speech class at Elstree? I have four students - Joey, Tyler, Dexter and Ayesha could all do with some diction and projection lessons. He fits right in on the scale of sneaky and deceiving. Another youth we don't need, and why does he sound West Indian?

Prize scene of the night came when Jay bopped him. That said everything to Kirsty.

Ava's entrance was also a highlight. Now she sees exactly what her birth family is really like - a bunch of jumped-up trumped-up lowlifes trying to be something that they're not. Like I said, Run, Ava, run. Hell, I'd even forgive you if you really did turn out to be an axe murderer if you rid the Square and the show of the Branning pandemic.

Observation: As an ex-teacher myself, I can categorically say that you'd never get a teacher, much less a Deputy Head, using "ain't" - not even colloquially.

Pete Lawson should know better than that. That was stereotypical. Sorry, Pete. Could do better. Look - this show is all over the place at the moment, and it needs to be pulled firmly in the right direction with the right emphasis. You are one of the few people who are capable of doing that. Earn what the public pay you via stealth tax to do.

And now Spot the Soupcon: Did you get it? That seconds-long scene which was the most intriguing part of the show tonight?

Here it is ... at the 3:35 mark-

Phil Mitchell and Michael Moon in league to launder money. Phil has a better idea than Michael had, and I'll bet it means setting up Jack.