Actual EastEnders: Why Are We Waiting? - Review 19.02.2013

Well, that could be a song for the Bullyboi Brigade of Bex, Will Slater-Mitchell, *Betty* and Peege or Pooge or whatever the name of the delectable piece of detritus ,,, flotsam and jetsam  ... man-hating perfection to drop from the nearest tree - you know, like the apple not falling far ...

Having just watched Tuesday's episode, I'm certain they all stamped their petulant little feet at the thought of Roxy telling Kat a valid home truth that needed saying: That Kat is not the victim in this never-ending charade, Alfie is. There were two people in the Moon marriage, and only one of them cheated on the other - cheated regularly and with impunity, unwilling to give up the security of a marriage behind which she could hide and plead that none of what happened was her fault. No, she is the eternal "dirty girl," forever condemned to drink, party, club and fuck to her heart's content, and no one dare remonstrate with her because she was a sex abuse victim, you know.

Roxy's words that Kat's cheating and that alone, broke up her marriage to Alfie hit home with Kat so hard, her only response was to smack the shit out of Roxy, not once but twice. Real class act, that. It only reinforces the fact that this woman, this slut, is a vicious, vindictive, and vengeful bully, who used her husband as an inconvenience, and who uses her child as any sort of emotional shield she needs.

Alfie was right too: Kat is an abysmal mother. When she lived in the Vic, Tommy was usually seen in the care of Alfie or Jean. Kat only took notice when she was in the throes of Shaggerman, and she didn't want to sleep with Alfie, so she took to sticking to Tommy like glue. Even now, Tommy is more at the Vic than with her.

Yet the Bullyboy Fanboi Brigade will deem Roxy a slut. They've always deemed her a slut. JackShipper-in-Chief Bex keeps accusing Roxy of "having sex with her sister's man."

Is this character for real? People don't own one another, and at the time Roxy and Jack had their angry sex, Jack and Ronnie were not a couple. Ne'mind that The Ice Queen still harboured thoughts of interest in the walking piece of wood, she was not entitled claim Jack Branning. He was a free agent, and he did what free agents do.

The Bullyboi Fanboi Brigade also have deemed Roxy a homewrecker in the past - citing her attempt to seduce Max and her moves on Alfie. In the first instance, when Max blew her back, she accepted he wasn't interested and didn't pursue. When she bared her soul to Alfie, he was explicitly honest with her, and - again - she didn't pursue. That's hardly homewrecking, In fact, on the Tanya Cross Branning Jessop Cross Scale of Homewrecking, that ranks about a -143.

Pretty low.

It was pretty low the way she tormented and ridiculed Tamwar Masood on his first day at work. Yes, Tamwar is socially gauche. He's depressed, he's lost his wife (who was his only ever girlfriend), his mother and little brother have left, his siblings are gone and he's totally at a loss as to what to do with his life. His self-esteem and his confidence are low. What Bianca and Kat did was total and abject bullying. It wasn't even funny. And if someone had tried to do that to Bianca's precious Whitney or to Zoe Slater, there'd be a smackfest from one end of the Square to the other.

And hypocritical psychopath Michael Moon can shut the fuck up telling Roxy to show some compassion. He had no qualms about bedding the skank he'd caught in a vulnerable and drunken moment before for a fuck again. This is not a great love affair, and the smile on his face literally screamed that he'd manipulated her again. One wonders one thing ... if he'd tolerate a Janine who treated him the way Kat treats Alfie and Michael expects Alfie to endure?

As for Michael telling Kat she was the best mother in the world to a son whose existence he's virtually ignored, when he's the sort of father who was ready to run out on his very sick infant daughter, whom he rarely sees now. Michael behaved like an absolute prick, even scamming Jean because he couldn't bear the thought of marrying a rich woman with a bit of clout.

He felt he wasn't - dare I say it? - a "manly man."

So Michael always punches down in manipulation - vulnerable creatures: Jean, Alice, Ronnie, Roxy because she was lonely and willing. He fucked Kat because of the same reason she told Alfie last year when she confessed to the knee-trembler in the alleyway with the drayman: he smelled the slut on her. Last month, he wanted the same favour from Kirsty Branning. She might have the smell of the slut about her, but she has one thing that differentiates her from Kat: moral principles.

Kirsty is not a victim.

But I posed the question: Why are we waiting?

Because Lorraine "The Liar" Newman promised us that this year she would redeem Kat, turn her into the loveable yet flawed figure she previously was and rescue Kat and Alfie, restoring the magic that Newman, as Series Producer signed off on destroying two years ago. It's said that Newman couldn't understand the vitriolic hatred for Kat that had grown in the past two years, culminating in near everyone's wish (unless you were Bex or *Betty* or Will Slater-Mitchell or Peege/Pooge/Punge and bullying your way up the greasy pole in the Kindergarten) that Kat be totally expunged, that her shame be exposed and that she leave Walford, allowing Alfie to flourish in his new relationship with Roxy - a character who's played second fiddle since her first appearance in 2007.

Newman promised us that within weeks of finding out that Kat was shagging greasy Derek, a man so redolent of her Uncle Harry we have to wonder why she fucked him, that we would know the reasons behind her affair.

We still don't.

Instead, we've heard her blame Derek entirely, when we know that is an abject lie. Then we heard her blame Roxy. Now she blames Alfie. She needs a reality check with the mirror ...

She might be surprised. But as much as Will Slater-Mitchell snidely snipes that Alfie's head is way up his arse, he might want to take a look at Kat. She has a pretty broad enough backside to fit the enormously entitled head she's grown. It's so much easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility.

We were told Kat was going on a journey. Yes ... from bed to bed, back fucking a married man who, himself, bullied his vulnerable and hormonal wife who'd just given birth into leaving the area.

And we were told Kat would laugh again. All we've seen is her name-call and bait Tamwar Masood in the cruelest way.

If this be redemption, I'll stick with the sinners.

Newman's a liar, and Kat is a loser. And a whore. And a slut. There, I said it. So she can belittle Alfie all she wants - he's looking after her child (who seems to be always poorly, with "sniffles") and works on a stall he financed. That's her repayment, and her accusation of Jean as a cheerleader when Jean did nothing but state the bleeding obvious: that nothing belies Kat's despicable behaviour towards Alfie, makes her as common and low-lifed as Michael Moon.

Newman should read the fora polls. People hate Kat's skank arse. She should go ... or get killed off.

I'm so sick and tired of the Lexi-go-round, I just want it to end. Another circular storyline whose interminable end we await. A storyline where nothing happens. Why is Sharon stupid? When did she have a lobotomy? Didn't she suss just the other night in the Vic that Phil's reason behind this entire fiasco wasn't for Lola's benefits, but to remedy his failure with Ben. He even made that patently obvious tonight, yet Sharon wittered on about Phil doing what's best for Lola.

As for Lola, the only interaction in which I like her is when she's engaging with Sharon; but Phil reads her like a book, and you can understand his concern for his granddaughter being brought up by a mother like that - kicking the door in and threatening to vandalise Phil Mitchell's garage accomplishes nothing - except this time a custodial sentence and loss of custody of her child.

The surprising fact of the episode came when the Fresh Cock of Walford with the Yoda ears actually said something sensible and intelligible: that kicking off against Phil's wind-ups accomplishes nothing.

Wonders never cease. I wish this storyline would.

Carol and Masood make a cute couple, and I didn't think I'd like them. Liam's missing his father and a man's presence in the household. Of course, he won't respond to Masood. He wants Ricky, and the increasingly phased-out Ray is now an unpaid and unseen babysitter. One of these days, Ray will be no more than a name, like Mr Popadopoulous, and someone we'll scarcely remember.

Still, Carol uttered the truest line of all the dialogue - that Bianca was thirty-five and had the mentality of a teenager. If anything, this episode was rife with home truths which were largely ignored. And if people are going to carp and criticise Alfie, I want to know if the Bullyboi Fanboi Brigade, who worshipped at Zainab the Pure, are levelling the same criticisms at Masood for moving on so fast after Zainab's departure. After spending an evening listening to him talk about his marriage, Carol thought so, but Masood was quick, in a "Mr Cuddly cowardly sort of Will Slater-Mitchell way", to assure her he was ready for some action.

I hope they thrive as a couple, although it would mean bringing the remaining Masoods into the toxic Branning dynamic, but it's good to see Carol smile and be something other than a Mother Hubbard to a gaggle of ungrateful grandchildren and a daughter with the emotional maturity of a six year-old.

The storyline with Patrick should be relevant and should be dominating the proceedings. At a time when the government is vastly altering how the elderly are cared for in the community, all we get is Kim playing Chinese whispers with Denise about having to take Patrick to the toilet. There's a wonderful device with which the NHS will provide a gentleman who is unable to go to the toilet unaided. It's called a urinal. All Kim would need to do was empty it and wash it.

This is not a warped milk bottle, but it's time for Newman to stop taking the piss. Kat should be axed.