Last night I spent and evening in the Middle Ages, watching a documentary about the discovery of Richard III's body. His life, and the life of his family, the Plantagenets, was a real, factual soap opera. And since most of it took place in and around the vicinity of the Tower of London, you could say they and their cohorts constituted the EastEnders of its day, although I shudder to liken the Brannings to the Plantagenets.
However, there are some similarities. For example, one Plantagenet brother was killed in the Wars of the Roses, so if this were EastEnders, Derek Branning's head would now be rotting on a pike stuck on Tower Bridge. Max would never have left Rachel - that wouldn't have been allowed. Instead, Tanya, Stacey and Kirsty would have been a procession of mistresses, each one ascendant depending on whatever day of the week it was; and they would have had to tolerate each other's company.
Jack ... well, since one superfluous brother always went to the Church, Jack would have been the ubiquitous horny friar, dropping kids all over the place but being unable to acknowledge them because of his holy status.
Alfie would have been the court jester; Billy the village idiot; Phil the rival king, who would have every right to lay claim to Sharon - not only a widow, but a former wife of his own brother. Bianca would have been a fishwife. She certainly has the mouth for it. Kat, a drunken slut.
Whitney would be the gypsy girl whom Tyler the peasant boy ravishes.
Zainab would never have dreamed of speaking to Masood the way she did. He'd have beaten her. Cora would have been an old bawd. To shut Abi up, Max would have married her off to Ajay - after all, he won the money.
As for Joey and Lauren ... remember how the PR blurb said it would take something really big to stop their incest? Take a leaf from Richard III's book. When Richard was 32, he got the hots for his 18 year-old niece, herself the daughter of a king. She was pretty hot too by mediaeval standards and thought pretty well of him. What stopped it? Well, a little battle called Bosworth Field helped. There's nothing like a metal pike being swung against the base of Joey's skull to wipe all the horniness he has for Lauren from his mind ... and everything else. And true to form, time would record that ye mouth-breathing prince did die with his mouth open.
Ye programme from last evening, verily, 'twas one mammoth piece of shite.
How Sharper Than a Serpent's Tooth It Is to Have a Thankless Child.
That would be ye Branning sisters - Abigail and Lauren - who wantonly order their father out of their lives whenever their mother maketh of herself a victim, yet again.
However, these maids forget that 'ere will always come a time when they have need of Dear Old Dad - like when their sainted mother is acting more the child than they are and is in need of calming or ... as in tonight's incident ... they both need money for various things - Abi wanting fifty quid for a school trip and Lauren just wanting money (most likely for drink).
Ye royal Branning maidens have been abandoned by their sainted mother. In mediaeval times, Tanya would have been on a pilgrimage to some sort of shrine or off relaxing in a convent from the stresses of mediaeval life. Instead, she's probably off propping up some bar in some other part of London, with Oscar chained to the bed and locked in some hotel room. Anyway, she's left them in the care of their grandmother, but ye old drunken bawd, Cora ye Bora, has whittled all the funds left for their care away on fags and booze ... which is why she was so summarily ejected from ye Branning Homestead Castle by the Holy Wrath of Dot.
Yet ye abandoned maidens cannot find their father. Ye incestuous slut Lauren spies him, but he drives off, after having hidden from the Lady Abigail. She runs after him, after a gurning imitation of Michael Moon (see below).
Ye Lady Abigail, however, worships at the altar of Our Lady of Continuous Whining and takes her grievous tale of woe to her champion, Sir Jay of the Arches, and her new-found natural cousin, Ye Chavvy Cock of Walford.
However, they fail her, and she doth seek her father high and low, until she be told by her natural aunt, Saint Ava of the Axe Murders ...
Ye Damsel in Distress.
The Princess of Beale findeth a lump whilst in the bath - they didn't have showers in the Middle Ages. When no friend is near to offer solace, she turneth to the Countess of Fox, who doth lend a sympathetic ear.
(Mind you, she probably found her tit and thought it was a lump, she's such a bag of bones.)
Ye Peasants of Walford Do Malice to Ye Masoods and Cause Ructure.
Ye Earl of Masood doth have a nagging wife, who beholdeth much power within the domestic domain and who doteth on her absent eldest son, to the detriment of her other children and her husband. Ye Countess of Masood holdeth also a prideful opinion of herself and disdaineth her neighbours.
This prideful woman hath commanded her lord and master to build a water feature in the dead of winter and to proclain an official opening for this. Her husband does as she doth bid, and a congregation assembleth.
However, ye peasantry of Walford, the urchins belonging to ye Fishwife of Walford (Bianca) hath damaged ye water feature. Whereupon ye Countess of Masood is angered and humiliated and stormeth into the home of the peasants (owned by their absent aunt the Queen of the Night) and has one almighty tantrum.
Verily, her behaviour be as bad as that of the children, but it inciteth her husband, ye Earl Masood, to destroy the evil water feature and to condemn forthwith, his wife. Were this really the Middle Ages, Masood would have beaten and imprisoned Zainab.
Observation: Bianca is skint, yet she drinks in the Vic?
This was one episode notable for the inclusion of the three worst actors in the show at the moment - at least, the three most unintelligible - Joey, Tyler and now the Little Cock.
McTighe is ex-Neighbours. Walford is not Erinsborough. Shit episode.
If this really were the Middle Ages, whoever was King or Queen would have really wielded the axe.
However, there are some similarities. For example, one Plantagenet brother was killed in the Wars of the Roses, so if this were EastEnders, Derek Branning's head would now be rotting on a pike stuck on Tower Bridge. Max would never have left Rachel - that wouldn't have been allowed. Instead, Tanya, Stacey and Kirsty would have been a procession of mistresses, each one ascendant depending on whatever day of the week it was; and they would have had to tolerate each other's company.
Jack ... well, since one superfluous brother always went to the Church, Jack would have been the ubiquitous horny friar, dropping kids all over the place but being unable to acknowledge them because of his holy status.
Alfie would have been the court jester; Billy the village idiot; Phil the rival king, who would have every right to lay claim to Sharon - not only a widow, but a former wife of his own brother. Bianca would have been a fishwife. She certainly has the mouth for it. Kat, a drunken slut.
Whitney would be the gypsy girl whom Tyler the peasant boy ravishes.
Zainab would never have dreamed of speaking to Masood the way she did. He'd have beaten her. Cora would have been an old bawd. To shut Abi up, Max would have married her off to Ajay - after all, he won the money.
As for Joey and Lauren ... remember how the PR blurb said it would take something really big to stop their incest? Take a leaf from Richard III's book. When Richard was 32, he got the hots for his 18 year-old niece, herself the daughter of a king. She was pretty hot too by mediaeval standards and thought pretty well of him. What stopped it? Well, a little battle called Bosworth Field helped. There's nothing like a metal pike being swung against the base of Joey's skull to wipe all the horniness he has for Lauren from his mind ... and everything else. And true to form, time would record that ye mouth-breathing prince did die with his mouth open.
Ye programme from last evening, verily, 'twas one mammoth piece of shite.
How Sharper Than a Serpent's Tooth It Is to Have a Thankless Child.
That would be ye Branning sisters - Abigail and Lauren - who wantonly order their father out of their lives whenever their mother maketh of herself a victim, yet again.
However, these maids forget that 'ere will always come a time when they have need of Dear Old Dad - like when their sainted mother is acting more the child than they are and is in need of calming or ... as in tonight's incident ... they both need money for various things - Abi wanting fifty quid for a school trip and Lauren just wanting money (most likely for drink).
Ye royal Branning maidens have been abandoned by their sainted mother. In mediaeval times, Tanya would have been on a pilgrimage to some sort of shrine or off relaxing in a convent from the stresses of mediaeval life. Instead, she's probably off propping up some bar in some other part of London, with Oscar chained to the bed and locked in some hotel room. Anyway, she's left them in the care of their grandmother, but ye old drunken bawd, Cora ye Bora, has whittled all the funds left for their care away on fags and booze ... which is why she was so summarily ejected from ye Branning Homestead Castle by the Holy Wrath of Dot.
Yet ye abandoned maidens cannot find their father. Ye incestuous slut Lauren spies him, but he drives off, after having hidden from the Lady Abigail. She runs after him, after a gurning imitation of Michael Moon (see below).
Ye Lady Abigail, however, worships at the altar of Our Lady of Continuous Whining and takes her grievous tale of woe to her champion, Sir Jay of the Arches, and her new-found natural cousin, Ye Chavvy Cock of Walford.
However, they fail her, and she doth seek her father high and low, until she be told by her natural aunt, Saint Ava of the Axe Murders ...
... that her father doth lie in you Bed and Breakfast, where the Lady Abigail doth repair only to find her injured father abed in mid-afternoon with his bawd, his doxy, actually ... his wife, because ye sainted mother of the Lady Abigail was and is in this instance, ye other woman.
Were I Max, I wouldn't give either of them one red, copper penny the way they treat him.
Ye Chavs of Walford.
Even in ye Middle Ages, young thugs roamed the streets of London. E'en now we see ye Wee Chavvy Cock, who was born confident and who has "experience" in the world of gambling. Ye Wee Chavvy Cock also suffers from a rare speech impediment seemingly rife now in Walford amongst several young males. One cannot understand a word issuing from ye Wee Chavvy Cock's mouth. Yea, verily it is an insult for young Jay to be in the company of such a awfully redundant little scumbag.
Yet another game of poker, when ye young chavs are routed by ye older chav.
Observation: The Arches must be very busy to employ three mechanics.
Ye Mouth-Breather, His Sister and Ye Prince of Darkness.
Ye young, unintelligible Duke of Branning (AKA Joey) is not well pleased that his sister, the Lady Aa-aass, is working in ye household of ye Prince of Darkness, Michael Moon. Ye servant boy, Tyler, has so wound up ye Duke of Branning as he now thinketh that ye Prince of Darkness is wont to take advantage of the Lady Alice's virtue.
Ye young Duke's cousin-lover Lady Lauren of the Gurning Face, maketh fun of ye Prince of Darkness, by gurning and making a face like the way ye Prince of Darkness smiles. She'd best be careful, for the powers of the Prince of Darkness freeze her face into an eternal gurn.
But that is not the worst danger befalling either the young Duke or his cousin, for they forget that ye Prince of Darkness is but a consort to his absent, yet lethal wife, the Queen of the Night, (aka Janine) for this might befall either the Lady Alice, Lady Lauren of the Lip or Kat the Slut when this high and mighty princess doth return ...
The Princess of Beale findeth a lump whilst in the bath - they didn't have showers in the Middle Ages. When no friend is near to offer solace, she turneth to the Countess of Fox, who doth lend a sympathetic ear.
(Mind you, she probably found her tit and thought it was a lump, she's such a bag of bones.)
Ye Peasants of Walford Do Malice to Ye Masoods and Cause Ructure.
Ye Earl of Masood doth have a nagging wife, who beholdeth much power within the domestic domain and who doteth on her absent eldest son, to the detriment of her other children and her husband. Ye Countess of Masood holdeth also a prideful opinion of herself and disdaineth her neighbours.
This prideful woman hath commanded her lord and master to build a water feature in the dead of winter and to proclain an official opening for this. Her husband does as she doth bid, and a congregation assembleth.
However, ye peasantry of Walford, the urchins belonging to ye Fishwife of Walford (Bianca) hath damaged ye water feature. Whereupon ye Countess of Masood is angered and humiliated and stormeth into the home of the peasants (owned by their absent aunt the Queen of the Night) and has one almighty tantrum.
Verily, her behaviour be as bad as that of the children, but it inciteth her husband, ye Earl Masood, to destroy the evil water feature and to condemn forthwith, his wife. Were this really the Middle Ages, Masood would have beaten and imprisoned Zainab.
Observation: Bianca is skint, yet she drinks in the Vic?
This was one episode notable for the inclusion of the three worst actors in the show at the moment - at least, the three most unintelligible - Joey, Tyler and now the Little Cock.
McTighe is ex-Neighbours. Walford is not Erinsborough. Shit episode.
If this really were the Middle Ages, whoever was King or Queen would have really wielded the axe.
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