BranningCity: Clowns to the Left of Me, Jokers to the Right - Review 15.02.2013

Well, well,well ... a watchable episode for once - the first in a long time. An oasis of ordinary floating in a fecally-infected ocean of detritus, remnants of all the bad ideas EastEnders foisted upon the viewing public over the years - Shirley Benson, kidneygate, Danny Mitchell ... most of which were shat out regularly during the first decade of this century. 

You see, that's what happens when a good show goes rancid. People learn to appreciate the ordinary and elevate it to the faux status of extraordinary.

We're witnessing this now with the cheerleading squad of fanbois on the bullying ascendant again at Walford Web kindergarten, although they'd never admit to their sin. Like Kat, nothing is ever their fault. But that's the subject of another blog.

There's precious little I like about EastEnders at the moment, but occasionally, there are flashes of competence - and that was shown in tonight's episode, where, apart from the Muppet contribution, the right amount of characters were utilised, and the right actors rose to the occasion.

This episode also featured three of the programme's strongest actors - Jake Wood, Lindsey Coulson and Steve McFadden; and although their screentime was minimal (McFadden didn't even have a line of dialogue), it always seems that the other actors interacting step up to the plate.

There should be more episodes like this. 

The End of the World as He Knows It ... Alfie and Katshit.

Well I wonder why I came here tonight
I gotta feeling that something's not right
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you.

Well, Lorraine Newman announced that all her efforts were going into redeeming and repairing Kat, getting the Moons back together and making Alfie happy in the Vic.

And here's what we get ...

a veritable shipping forecast.

Ship, ship, ship, ship, ship ... Kat the victim ... poor pitiful Kat ... helpless hopeless Kat who still loves Alfie ... jealous demanding Roxy, that bitch ... 

It's less than subtle and, yes, it's an insult to the viewers' intelligence (unless you're this dimwitted inhabitant of Digital Spy, who - for some unearthly reason - thinks Alfie is committing adultery on Kat with Roxy ...)

(Troll alert ... she has the critical thinking ability of an amoeba.)

Kat's one phone call from the police station goes to Alfie, and in a reprise of their leaving episode of Christmas 2005, Alfie waits outside the police station for her.

When Shane Richie is asked to step outside his comfort zone of being the professional cheeky, chirpy chappy, he's really quite a good dramatic actor. He was absolutely brilliant tonight, his face around Kat, a welter of hurt, suspicion and a soupcon of tenderness. He knows it's impossible to write off an intense relationship that's lasted the better part of  decade - there are too many conflicting emotions for Alfie; but at the top of his confusion is one given: He cannot trust Kat. He knows that, but he also knows that he still loves her.

However, at last, he's not prepared to endure anymore hurt, heartbreak and upset at her expense; but then, as he pointed out tonight when she began her tale of woe about the mystery of the stolen dresses, nothing is ever Kat's fault. Good. He acknowledges that. So do we; so clock Richie's impassive face as Kat tells her intricate tale, culminating in revealing her nobility in stepping in to take the whack for Bianca, who was all over the place and shitting herself at the thought of going back into prison.

You knew, you just knew that Alfie was wondering why Kat could take responsibility for a potential crime like that, in order to protect a mate, when she couldn't yet acknowledge why she'd cheated extensively on Alfie in the past.

It couldn't be more blatantly obvious that Kat wants Alfie back - the coy invitation for him to come inside when he walked her back to the Slater house was more a come hither than Roxy's suggestion that they go upstairs in the Vic last spring for her confession of love to Alfie.

Alfie now realises just how much he's caught in the middle between Kat and Roxy, and yet, he lies to Roxy about where he was the night before - a desperate, insecure and angry Roxy who's been left alone all night. Of course we know why he lied. He lied to her for the same reason he gave Kat a sympathy hug in the cafe. He's Alfie, he's a nice guy. He does things like that. He also knew that Roxy wouldn't understand his lending moral and emotional support for Kat that evening. Roxy's a mother. She realises that Alfie and Kat have a child, as she does with Jack. There will always be a bond there. Roxy's not your Tanya-type, who'll demand that a man forsake any child of his body not conceived with her, but she does deserve the truth.

And for all the Alfie-haters, like 

... on Digital Spy, this doesn't mean Alfie is weak or that he craves being a doormat. When you've given unconditional love to someone and you've lived with that person for the better part of ten years, when they betray you, as much as you're angry with them, you're full of hatred one moment, and bitterly loving them the next. It's not easy to let go. It's harder still when the person who's done the betraying is right there under your nose every day. It's especially harder if you're trying to effect a new relationship.

He wants to love Roxy, and he's fond of her; but he still has feelings for Kat. - strong feelings:: sometimes anger, sometimes compassion, sometimes bewliderment. I have a feeling that if Kat would just spend time talking with Alfie, if she just gave her reasons for pursuing the affair with Derek and for treating Alfie like shit for two years, if she just acknowledged this and apologised for it, maybe they might have a chance together; but Alfie knows Kat will always find an excuse, usually centred around Uncle Harry, and he's at the end of his tether.

I really felt sorry for Roxy tonight at the end of all this. She loves Alfie deeply, and she wants so much to be loved and cared for; yet her insecurity is heightened when Kat's around, especially that deliberate drop of information about Alfie being on call for Kat the night before. Kat was a bitch to do that, and her bitchy smile as she turned away said everything.

Newman's PR people pitched the fact that it was Roxy who would pressure Alfie into a divorce, but in the end, it wasn't. It was Alfie's decision. It was the only way he could see to lay the demons Kat provoked to rest. Of course, it isn't the way; and it's going to be terrible for Roxy when they reconcile, because that's what all this kabuki is about.

He's fond of Roxy, but he doesn't love her. Kat should have left after the Derek reveal.

Beefcake Barbie and Joker Ken ... Shack.

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
Losing control, yeah I'm all over the place
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you.

Is there anyone left who thinks Jack and Sharon are this year's couple? Please.

They are so charmless.

I don't know what they've done to Sharon but whatever it is, with each episode, she's a closer approximation of a humanoid Miss Piggy. And she acts that way too.

She clearly doesn't love Jack, and the only reason I can fathom she went to all that trouble with the Valentine's Boxing Day shit was to prove that she still deserves to have a roof over her head provided by Jack.

As for him loving her, she was more a possession - and really not a prized one at that. However, kudos to him for giving her a proverbial kick up her fat backside and reminding her that Kirsty was his brother's wife, and she had to be nice.

Yet again, Sharon ... the iconic Walford Princess, ex-wife of Grant Mitchell, widow of Dennis Rickman, best friend of Michelle Fowler (Michelle Fucking Fowler NOT Tanya Cross Branning Jessop Cross Whorebags), is reduced to having her arse handed to her on a plate by a character who has yet to serve two months in the soap.

Kirsty's dignity made Sharon look small. (Well, she should be grateful for that illusion, anyway). And I'm sorry, but what is this shit about Sharon never forgiving "what Kirsty did to Tanya?"

Because, I'm scratching my head ... what did she do? A woman comes looking for her husband and finds him deeply involved with another woman (his ex-wife) to the point that he's about to marry her. Kirsty did nothing to Tanya. When will people rid themselves of the notion that Kirsty is the slut and Tanya the matron saint.

Please, this is not the stuff of The Lion in Winter (Google it, Luddites), where the wife is the whore and he mistress the saint. What about what Tanya did to Kirsty? Trying to bribe her to leave Walford, threatening her, bullying her?

I am glad Kirsty treated her with dignity and disdain. 

And in the end, we see how much Sharon simply doesn't love Jack. After going to all the trouble of decorating the flat for an intimate delayed Valentine's evening, Phil calls and Sharon comes running; and joker Jack is treated to a "happy family" scene of Yummy Mummy Sharon with Lexi in her arms and Daddy Phil playing cards with DamienDen.

Talk about stating the bleeding obvious!

Bloke Time.

I liked this vignette of Max, Jack and Alfie repairing to the portacabin to drink, play cards and discuss their various marital peccadilloes. It was a woman-free zone, but dominated by talk of the women in their lives.

This is what I mean by Scott Maslen raising his game when he has to interact and perform opposite Jake Wood. Maslen was competent as the cocky Jack, cocksure that his relationship with Sharon (a woman he didn't even know existed a year ago) is firmer than any being endured now by both Alfie and Max.

It was also interesting to see just how similar Max's and Alfie's circumstances are - and yet, how different. Max admits what the majority of people know about Alfie - that his marital break-up was not his fault, although Alfie (right again) hastens to inform Max that Kat would argue otherwise.

Max, like Alfie, is torn between two women, but for different reasons. If Tanya were around, he'd be trying to ditch Kirsty (whom he really loves) and return to the comfort zone Tanya offers - a kiss, a cuddle and a credit card in exchange for the occasional cheating, as long as he returns with something nice and shiny for her; however, she's not around, so he can indulge himself with Kirsty ... until Tanya shows up and throws him into a state of conflice. Because Kirsty is the first really adult relationship Max has had, and there's an element of the unknown in all new relationships.

It's ironic that Alfie left the card game to make it good with Roxy, Max left to go home to Kirsty and Jack left to find Sharon with Phil. And also interesting was Max's attempt to reason with Jack, comparing Sharon's history with Phil to that of Alfie's with Kat. Jack and Roxy have just got to accept the past and move on with their partners.

Old Friends.

Of course, the best vignette of the night - Dot's scenes with a bedridden Patrick. In point of fact, EastEnders is actually doing a subtly good job of highlighting the insecurities of the elderly and their day-to-day care with Patrick's vocal concerns. And if Newman's done one thing right, it's moving Dot centre-stage as the wise woman of the Square. So she should be. And Cora, as feckless and irresponsible as she is, shouldn't be allowed near Patrick when he's convalescing. In case people forget, Cora was the one who abandoned her dying husband to go out on the razz every night. She'd sit in the corner and get drunk with Kim.

They shared a lovely scene, reminiscing about the trip they made with Pauline and Derek (that's Ian Lavender's Derek Harkisson, not Derek Branning), Jim and Yolande, when Patrick got drunk and took Jim's chalet key by mistake. Patrick ended up in bed with Dot and Jim in the chalet with an indignant Yolande. Yolande gets a mention and Pauline a tribute, as they spoke of her death.

Beautiful scene and beautiful continuity.

The Wayward Son of a Puerile Mother.

Bianca is vile. We so need Ricky in this set-up.

Once again, EastEnders present a professional - this time, the head who called Bianca in about Liam's truancy - as a wet blanket stereotype of a teacher/social worker who makes all the right noises about "issues" and "policies" and appears detached from the students she's supposed to serve and who hasn't a clue how to deal with the countless numbers of ignorant, chav mothers who blame all their kids' social faults on the school and the system.

Liam is dyslexic, and Ricky worked with him on this. Does Bianca give him quality time? No. She's hardly been around during the last two years because of her prison stints, and Carol doesn't have the patience or the temperament to deal with a situation like that. Still, they're happy enough for Liam to work illegally at McClunkey's to keep Morgan Le Fatter getting fatter and fatter.

The head reckons Liam is being bullied, and maybe he is. Maybe that's why he's seeking acceptance with a ballet troupe gangabanga.

Yet as stereotypical as the head is, Bianca is just as obtuse - shouting the odds and blaming the school. She doesn't give a toss about Liam's reading or his other core courses. All she wants is for the school to "keep him inside" every day. Once again, this is less about Liam and more about her fear of going back to prison.

We had that earlier Bianca-the-crying-baby scene where she boo-hooed on Carol's shoulder. Bianca is no parent. Carol rules that roost. Bianca is merely the oldest of a group of juvenile delinquents, the most mature of whom seems to be, surprisingly, Whitney. At least Whitney had the fortitude to organise dinner for the kids and feed them, before either Bianca or Carol had returned. Right now, Bianca is caught up in keeping her own skinny arse clean, and Carol is focusing on Bianca when she's not hoping she's on a promise with Masood; so no one is clocking the kids, and that head was ultimately right: the responsibility for seeing that Liam gets to school lies with Bianca.

As for Liam the Lunk, he's bunking off with his ballet troup gangabanga to shoplift expensive trainers and the like, although I'm at a loss how he's done that, since most sports outlets only display one shoe at a time. Maybe he bunked one shop for the left shoe and another for the right. Lucky Liam, to find the right colour as well.

I don't like Liam,and I'd rather his gangabanga storyline end with him being sent to live with his dad, or sent to a young offenders prison. I don't find James Forde inspiring, and he sounds like an upper middle class drama school kid trying to sound like Tommy Steele in 'Alf a Sixpence.

Please let Patsy Palmer be pregnant.

Oh well, maybe Bianca can screech this lullaby to Liam:-

The Odd Couple.

That would be Michael and Alice, not Felix and Oscar. 

Seriously, what the fuck was that all about? Her simpering was bad enough, but what was his odd little smile about in the end? Are we supposed to think Michael moon is some omniscent, unearthly being who knows how to get what he wants and has a manipulative skill superior to that of The Mentalist?

OK, Alice wants a job - specifically, she wants the job she had back, babysitting Scarlett ... so she buys Michael Moon flowers and does a pretty table-setting? And he takes her back?

She's acting like a schoolgirl with a crush, which is believeable because she's such a drip, but he's acting sinister.

There's only so much of this psychopath I can take, because that's what he is and that's how the actor describes himself. Characters like Michael have a short shelf life. They have to, or else they risk turning into caricatures of himself, which is happening at the moment.

Oh,and Michael, that's not your home you, Tyler and soon, Kat will be inhabiting. It belongs to your wife, who can pitch your asses to the kerb when she returns.

Final Observation: DamienDen was excited about doing the place setting for Jack's surprise dinner. Do I see an incipient Ben Mach II? How long before the tap-dancing starts?

Who's the Real Daddy?

Well you started out with nothing 
And you're proud that you're a self-made man
And your friends, they all come crawling
Slap you on the back and say ...
Please. Please ...

Of course, that would be Phil Mitchell, wouldn't it? Complete with a broad grin on his face.