Saturday, July 14, 2012

Just for the Record ... Kathy's Dead

Kathy Beale, former wife of Pete Beale and Phil Mitchell, mother of Ian Beale and Ben Mitchell, is dead. She was killed off-screen in 2006.

I know Kathy was a popular character - so popular even people who weren't alive when she was on the show are pining for her reincarnation, but the character is toast. Dead. Finito. Morto. Done.

I must admit and confess, I was never a big Gillian Taylforth fan, nor was I a fan of Kathy Beale's. Salt of the earth, yes. Miserable and rude ninety per cent of the time, definitely. When she fronted the cafe, I wondered how many people could put up with her abrasive tongue at whatever time of the day and/or month. The only thing I liked about her was her friendship with Pat. After splitting her from Pete, the only thing TPTB seemed to find for her to do was shag younger and even younger men.

Back in the heyday of Dennis Rickman, it was rumoured that Taylforth, who was then holding forth as the doyenne of Footballers' Wives was angling for a return to the soap, since Leslie Grantham had been resucitated. I recall a member of a now non-existent forum dismissing the idea with the remark, "Who's she going to shag now?"

I agreed, but I always thought they'd bring her back as a fiftysomething cougar to shag Dennis - sort of a sexual revenge for Sharon's infidelity with Phil.

But she never returned, and when Kate Harwood realised Ben Mitchell was ten years old and old enough a character to interact with his father, she made the prime decision to bring Ben back to Walford sans Kathy. Knowing that Kathy would never allow Ben to live in Walford full-time with Phil, and also not wanting the character of Kathy back on the Square, Harwood effected an off-screen motor accident in South Africa, killing Kathy and her third husband Gavin (why are all unseen male characters on Eastenders named Gavin?).

Ian flew out, attended the funeral, brought Ben back to Walford and the rest is history.

So Kathy is dead.

However, there's a growing scream initiated by very young and very naive forum members (such as the insipid *Betty* on Walford Web (who's a manchild) and vaslav on Digital Spy (who may even be the same person) for Kathy to be resurrected and brought back to Walford. No, not as a zombie, but as a real, living person.

*Betty*/vaslav have it all figured out, in their infinite eighteeen-going-on-twelve-year-old wisdom. Kathy, they say, could have been ferreted away as part of a witness protection programme - ne'mind that when people go into witness protection, their minor children go also. She's been in witness protection to protect her from vengeance by Moroccan mafia gangsters or South African ganglords or Zulus or little green men from Mars or something. Either that, they reckon, or she's been in a coma for six years,of which the medical authorities never thought to advise either Ian or Ben - again, ne'mind the fact that Kathy, after spending the past six years in a coma, would look like a little green man from Mars.

Forget it. Kathy's dead. She died off-screen. Like Cindy Beale, her errant daughter-in-law. Like Mark Fowler, her nephew. She's not coming back.

Another thing the whiners and moaners like *Betty*/vaslav need to realise: If Kathy Beale were alive and if she were to return, she'd be sixty-two years old now, or her character would. Kathy, one should remember, was eleven years older than Phil, and Ben was a menopausal baby. Even fiftysomething Glenda took it a tad too far when she rogered a teenaged boy in the backroom of the bookies. At the risk of sounding ageist, I don't think Eastenders would be up for a sixty-two year-old cougar going at it with Jack or Max Branning.

Nope. Kathy is dead. The show took one risk too many when it brought the biggest icon of them all back from the grave. It's not going to jump the shark even more into the realms of the living dead by bringing back Kathy Beale with a cock-and-bull story to further discredit this programme.

Get over it.

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