Cockroaches Crawling from the Woodwork - Review 12.11.2012

Here's the signature song for Walford Branch of Alcoholics Anonymous. Meeting's at the Vic:-

Seems like a fair proportion of Walford's inhabitants live for something poured tall and strong ... usually, however, it's the viewers who are dished shit, and this episode was no different.

Oh, it's Branning Time again,
I'm feeling horny ...
I want Jack's rough and splintery penis
Up my thigh

I want to kiss the shiny pate 
Of Maxwell Branning
'Cause it won't be long 
Before it's Branning Time ...

How's that for a theme song for Lorraine Newman's re-energised, community-feeling soap.

Tonight, almost every cockroach imaginable crawled from the woodwork - with emphasis on the "cock" bit.

Bad? This was worse than last week, and tonight was the beginning, in earnest, of Branningapalooza.

Cora the Old Lag

Hooooooooo-oooooo-OOOOOOOO-weee! Ava's comin'. Yes, she is. Yonder, 'round the bend! Ava's comin' because they're talking about her something fierce.

I hate it when EastEnders tries to go cryptic in a pathetic attempt to drum up sympathy for a character that clearly doesn't deserve any. Quite honestly, from the getgo tonight, Cora acted like a putz. Throwing a hissy fit because her lighter wouldn't work, then taking everything out in silent fury on Poppy, then storming over to the Brannings (Max's house, that is), still not saying anything to anyone. Acting like a spoiled child.

Max had it right. She fancied a cuppa? Acting like a jerk, he was right to direct her to the cafe. Then the interminable yadda yadda between her and Tanya about Rainie. At least Tanya got the truth from her, eventually. Rainie is well out of it, but the irony is that neither Cora nor Tanya recognise how their behaviour fed Rainie's addiction and how they nurse addictions themselves. Cora got drunk again tonight, and it wasn't until the end that we realised that all this had to do with it being Ava's birthday and that - surprise surprise - Ava isn't dead, after all. (That wasn't rocket science). And if a viewer has a modicum of intelligence, they would have known almost instantaneously that Ava is also mixed race - hence, the reason (in the Sixties) she was put up for adoption.

Still, that's no reason whatsoever to get as drunk as a coot, but neither Cora nor Rainie nor Tanya nor the poor man's Jennifer Lawrence Lauren need any excuse to go sucking on a bottle. It's a way of life.

An appropriate storyline and a responsible one would be for EastEnders to do a study of alcoholic behaviour amongst these women - because some behavioural traits are learned.

Christian: Please Put a Fucking Lid on It; You Are Not That Kid's Father

This is how I feel about the never-ending story of the end of Chryed:-

Drums keep pounding boredom to the brain. When will it end? Will they leave together or separately? Who cares?

Syed, Yasmin's father, decided Yasmin would be better off living with her mother. Syed, Yasmin's father, didn't have exclusive custody of Yasmin. He had shared custody, meaning Yasmin was with him as much as she was Amira, who lived nearby. But now Amira's moving to Birmingham, and - of course -she wants her daughter with her and her new husband.

Actually, it did my heart good tonight to see that, of all the people involved - Masood apart - Amira came out of this debacle as the only adult in the room. She'd made the effort to find out how far she'd be living with Yasmin away from Syed and had calculated the travel time by car and by train, so he could visit her. But Syed, feeling sorry for his poor pitiful self was actually contemplating not visiting. That would be too easy for Syed, you see. It would feed his victim complex. He could spend the rest of his life resenting Amira and blaming her for taking his daughter and feeling sorry for himself for being unworthy.

But if Syed were bad, Christian was worse - barrelling into the Masood's space, declaring that he was going to stop a mother taking her child, demanding that the Masoods support his efforts, actually telling Masood this was his last chance to stop this.

Who the fuck is Christian?

He is Yasmin's step-father. He has a much right to that child, as long as her parents are alive, as Mas and Zainab - even as Qadim, which is as much right as Amira and/or Syed allow him. To attempt to do what he did was despicable and undermining and, quite patently, immature. He was like a big kid having his dolly taken away from him, and Amira made him look small.

She made it brilliantly obvious that she'd forgiven him and moved on - something Christian obviously hadn't done with Amira. She even told him he could visit Yasmin as much as he wanted, encouraging him to make Birmingham a part of his radar. There was one subtle amendment to the Christian-Yasmin dynamic, instigated by Amira. Christian had gone from "Daddy" to "Uncle Christian."

If there be any hero to tonight's shower, it's Amira. Too bad that's the last we'll see of her.

And I felt sorry neither for Christian nor Syed. Once again, Syed went crying to Mummy, after taking responsibility for his daughter's welfare, and once again, Christian was left feeling sorry for himself. 

They can't leave soon enough.

The Yoof of Today

They were all out in full force tonight. In fact there was a garbled dialogue competition between Tyler Moon, Turdhopper and Bag o'Bones Beale. Three of Newman's "staple" of EastEnders, who haven't had an acting lesson between them and do not know how to speak clearly. Do Hetti Bywater and David Witts know that you inhale all sorts of bacteria when you mouth-breathe? Their breath must be appalling.

OK, I get that Alice the Goon has taken yet another day off so Ray can teach her some new tricks. OK, I get that Alice the Goon fancies Ray. OK, I get that Tyler and his Mattress were working out at the boxing club and a stupid double entendre joke was made. And I understand why Alice the Goon called Turdhopper to help her work out. After all, Turdhopper is an expert in most fields except received pronunciation.

But why did the poor man's Jennifer Lawrence Lauren, pretending to be Katniss from Hunger Games, stalk Joey to the boxing club? It looked as though she knew Whitney was there and wanted to get the one-up on her with Turdhopper.

I agree with Nebraska on Walford Web Kindergarten. Lauren is the most unlikeable, little bitch on the show - even more unlikeable and hypocritical than her putrid mother. She is totally unredeemable and, instead of returning her to school next year, maybe they should return her to juvenile detention or over a cliff someplace.

The mass entrance of the Mattress, the Goon, Bag o'Bones Beale and Katniss into the Vic in order for the Goon to show her self-defence moves was easily one of the worst scenes in the show's history. It was positively embarrassing.

Katshit, Yummy Mummy and Satellite Sharon

That was the most forced trio ever. Since when has Tanya ever spoken to Kat?

Kat is obsessed about having illicit sex, and Tanya is obsessed in talking about sex, wanting to know about everyone else's sex life. Why ask Sharon about Jack's performance in bed? She knows all about that, having lived with him for a year. And, under normal circumstances, Tanya would cross the street to avoid Kat like a bad smell. Funny, though, how Tanya picked up on the fact that Kat had most likely been unfaithful to Alfie and was Katting about.

Kat's a rancid lying bitch, and one wonders what all has been shoved down her bra besides her tit and Derek's hand.

I find it most dismaying that Lorraine Newman is pushing Kat and doing her utmost to keep her on the show. When a couple part in SoapLand, one leaves. That's always been the way, but Newman, a static second-in-command for twelve years on the programme as Series Producer, has learned nothing. This is the woman who signed off on Lazarus Den, Kidneygate, Ruby Allen in fishnets, and all sorts of Santer Sensationalism as well as the baby swap. And we've got to trust her judgement?

Kat is ruined. Yes, she wasn't broken, but EastEnders broke her. And guess who signed off on that? Right - Lorraine Newman. So she should put her hand up and do the inevitable, because Kat is hated now. Axe the bitch. If she stays, it's only a matter of time before she's back again with Alfie. EastEnders did the unthinkable and destroyed an iconic character. She's now a joke.

And she's bee fucking Derek Branning.

Branning Bruv Banter

Jake Wood is a good actor. Jamie Foreman, in his element, is passable. Scott Maslen is shit. But, collectively, when they do that Branning Bruv Banter, it's butt-clinchingly awful. Pukeworthy. You want to rip your eyeballs out. The mother-in-law jokes (been there, done that), even the singing about Jackie Busch, was embarrassing. If we're supposed to be intrigued that one of the three has been porking Alfie's slut of a wife and is sitting there bold as brass in front of him, we're not. Jack's whining about Sharon and allowing Derek to wind him up about Phil. Jack loves Sharon? He's known her all of two months. And it's so very obvious that Derek is shagging Kat. Why does Newman insult our intelligence and think we have to guess when most people knew from the very beginning.

Oh, and the ending ... it's just so easy to look up someone on the internet. How easy did Libby Fox find it when she searched Chelsea's father, who had the singularly uncommon (not) name of Lucas Johnson? Jackie Busch is someone from thirty years ago. She could be married. She could be dead, but the poor man's Jennifer Lawrence says Google her.

By the way, Max drunk at the end of that episode was a real role model for his alcoholic daughter.

Here's a song which describes the current state of BranningTime EastEnders:-

Just when you think the thing couldn't get any worse, it gets worse. Oh, and Lola stank tonight too. She usually does. People who think she's a godsend of an actress have pretty low standards.

And here's the insect version of EastEnders ... cockroaches crawling from the woodwork. See if you can spot Derek and Joey.