Soooooooooo ... last night was the night we'd all been anticipating - well, one of three for the month of September.
Last night saw le crash, the incident which sets in motion the prime storyline for September, involving the Mitchells, the Brannings (doesn't it always?) and the Beales. Of course, it will involve Mme The Ice Queen, when she returns to the Square next week.
Everything will involve The Ice Queen, and when it doesn't, it will involve ..
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
The Ice Queen is set to become the Matriarch of the Mitchells, the Hard Woman of Walford. Befriended by Kat, she will stay under the same roof as the child she kidnapped and kept as her own for four months.
You tell me what mother in their right mind would countenance such an association? We'll have Dot sneaking her into the Vic, where she will ridicule her sister's fiance', the father of the child she kidnapped. And he will be seen to be the unreasonable person in this farce.
She will be shoehorned into Janine's and Michael's storyline, into Carl's storyline (and he's a character she's yet to meet), into Ian Beale's circumstances, and she's playing for a chance to act opposite Michael French, so what's the odds of a David-Ronnie relationship?
Yes, folks, it all starts next week.
The Ronnie Show. The Brannings are sidelined, and EastEnders will have to live up to the ignominy of taking an iconic and original character, Sharon Watts, and throwing her to the pi-dogs in deference to the faux-pixie-ish, botoxed countance of Ronnie Mitchell.
Le Crash.
Last night's episode was certainly symbolic. Because that's what this show has become.
Remember Remember the 3rd of September.
Hey, Max is just a jealous guy.
Max is jealous of Carl. Carl's seen to that. It's the 3rd of September, a day of celebration.
Six years ago, when Max was extricating himself from the affair known as Stax and Bradley was alive and Tanya was pregnant with Oscar and Flabbi the Dough-Faced Girl was fat and ten years old, Carl should have been marrying Krusty, which would have made this day their sixth wedding anniversary - hence, the bouquet of irises, which Krusty would have carried on that day, hence the champers, hence the verses from the Sam Cooke song.
It's also a special day in BranningLand because it's Jack's birthday, not that it's ever been celebrated before. Naaaah ... they just plucked the day out of the blue in order to provide some excuse for a Branning get-together in the Vic, so they're all on hand when Max gets arrested later this week.
And throughout this and every scene runs the real foreshadowing thread: Roxy announcing to all and sundry that Ronnie is returning the following week, like a pint-sized EastEnd version of Paul Revere, Roxy's running to all and sundry with the singular message ...
Ronnie is getting out on Monday, Ronnie is getting out on Monday.
Let's see ... Kat knows, Dot knows, Jean knows, Jack knows, the rest of the Brannings know ... so how is it that Alfie, landlord of the Vic, a man who should see all and know all, doesn't yet know this? Why hasn't some punter in passing made the remark, 'Ere, Alf, wotcher make o'that Mitchell bird gettin; aht come Monday? The one wot nicked your nipper?
You really have to wonder, because it's that bizarre.
Anyway, Max is feeling the heat of his encounter with Carl - you know, the one where he publically threatened to kill Carl. Krusty's not amused because she knows Carl's a wind-up merchant. Max's po-faced daughters aren't amused and think he should apologise.
(Note: It's not all about Little Miss Perfect tonight, but every time the camera idles on her, Jossa flipped her hair or gurned for the camera, whilst giving an over-the-top enunciation to her words. Someone's in love with herself.)
Everywhere Max goes, he seems to see Carl, or so he thinks - in the cafe, working on his car in front of Max's house. Max is so obsessed, he's forgotten it's Jack's birthday. (So had we, because it's never been celebrated before).
But Max has another problem too. Wondergirl, Little Miss Wanker, doesn't want to work in a boring old car lot anymore, so we were subjected to five minutes of Jossa's party piece gurning and telling Max how bored she was and how she wanted a real job. Of course, he doesn't look outside the Square - the Minute Mart, Ian ... no one trusts Lauren around booze.
Oh, dear, what will he do?
And once Kirsty twigs that it was Carl who sent her the flowers, she rounds on Max as well.
Ring Ring.
What would Walford be these days, without a segment dedicated to yoof? Ah, but they're interlinked in this situation with Phil, peripherally, that is. Jay sees Phil talking to Carl - never a good thing, in Jay's mind. He's worried about Phil associating with a stranger and also about Phil's cashflow - which is pretty low, thanks to Jay and Dexter.
Of course, this is all about a telephone ringing - Jay's, precisely. It all started with that kiss ...
Jay kissed Kitty and now Kitty won't leave him alone. Phonecalls, text messages, Jay ignores them all, to the point of turning his phone off, which has Flabbi the Dough-Faced Girl worried. She thinks he's gone off her, that she hurt him with her honesty from last week.
Giggle giggle snort snort.
No one knows about the furtive kiss, except Dexter, who's got the biggest mouf in the EastEnd, and he's urging Jay to phone Kitty and tell her to get lost, which he does, eventually, and is promptly overheard by Lola, who's threatening to tell Flabbi, who'll crush Jay between her massive thighs in revenge.
Nothing to see here. Move on.
The Ice Queen Cometh.
Ronnie's back, as if we weren't reminded enough of that impending return. Roxy telling Jack and ruining his birthday, Dot knowing and admonishing Jack to forgive Ronnie. After all, everyone deserves a second chance.
Really? Well, maybe, but what Ronnie did wasn't just nicking a loaf of bread from the Minute Mart. She kidnapped a child, left her dead one in his place, and allowed the parents to believe their child was dead.
She's manipulative and cold, and what she wants, she usually gets. I'm not looking forward to her return.
Gym-Crackery.
The Boxing Club seems to have come alive since Janine bought into it. Whether that's down to Janine or Danny, who knows? But I like the way Danny winds Michael up, feeding him half-snippets of information that are primarily correct, but which leave out important details.
The football team had been allowed to work out for free in the gym - but this was part of a sponsorship deal, which would advertise the boxing club on their shirts - something of which Michael had never thought.
So Michael one-ups Janine (yawn), by securing Sadie's skills as a sports masseuse. He did have the line of the night, however, with Max.
Max: We'll be having a little do for Jack's birthday later on.
Michael: Oh, I'll be sure to remember. I won't be there though.
Max: That's not very nice.
Michael: Ah, but I'm not very nice, and it's not very nice to sell one's share of the boxing club without telling.
The Crash Test Dummies.
Shirley's still ticking her tock, bugging Phil for the money she says he "owes" her. I still cannot figure out why Phil is allowing himself to be tugged by the short and curlies by this old lag.
Last year, yes, that would be feasible in light of the Ben reveal. But this year, no. It doesn't wash, like Shirley doesn't wash, literally. This is just another example of the female-friendly EastEnders, where women are loud, bombastic and powerful, and men are wusses.
Phil needs money, so he gets in like Flynn with Carl on a deal Phil should have had more nous to check out. Why the desperation? Why? Nothing. It was a plot device to set Phil up with Carl in a car which Carl drove like a bat out of hell, before ending in a whimper of crash in a knacker's yard, with Phil looking like chopped liver through the windscreen. Bad crash test dummy, however.
Observation. Amy is four years old. Shouldn't she have started school? Yet there was no scene of her, Monday, dressed to go off for her first day.
Slow starter. Things can only get better, can't they?
Last night saw le crash, the incident which sets in motion the prime storyline for September, involving the Mitchells, the Brannings (doesn't it always?) and the Beales. Of course, it will involve Mme The Ice Queen, when she returns to the Square next week.
Everything will involve The Ice Queen, and when it doesn't, it will involve ..
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
You tell me what mother in their right mind would countenance such an association? We'll have Dot sneaking her into the Vic, where she will ridicule her sister's fiance', the father of the child she kidnapped. And he will be seen to be the unreasonable person in this farce.
She will be shoehorned into Janine's and Michael's storyline, into Carl's storyline (and he's a character she's yet to meet), into Ian Beale's circumstances, and she's playing for a chance to act opposite Michael French, so what's the odds of a David-Ronnie relationship?
Yes, folks, it all starts next week.
The Ronnie Show. The Brannings are sidelined, and EastEnders will have to live up to the ignominy of taking an iconic and original character, Sharon Watts, and throwing her to the pi-dogs in deference to the faux-pixie-ish, botoxed countance of Ronnie Mitchell.
Le Crash.
Last night's episode was certainly symbolic. Because that's what this show has become.
Remember Remember the 3rd of September.
Hey, Max is just a jealous guy.
Six years ago, when Max was extricating himself from the affair known as Stax and Bradley was alive and Tanya was pregnant with Oscar and Flabbi the Dough-Faced Girl was fat and ten years old, Carl should have been marrying Krusty, which would have made this day their sixth wedding anniversary - hence, the bouquet of irises, which Krusty would have carried on that day, hence the champers, hence the verses from the Sam Cooke song.
It's also a special day in BranningLand because it's Jack's birthday, not that it's ever been celebrated before. Naaaah ... they just plucked the day out of the blue in order to provide some excuse for a Branning get-together in the Vic, so they're all on hand when Max gets arrested later this week.
And throughout this and every scene runs the real foreshadowing thread: Roxy announcing to all and sundry that Ronnie is returning the following week, like a pint-sized EastEnd version of Paul Revere, Roxy's running to all and sundry with the singular message ...
Ronnie is getting out on Monday, Ronnie is getting out on Monday.
Let's see ... Kat knows, Dot knows, Jean knows, Jack knows, the rest of the Brannings know ... so how is it that Alfie, landlord of the Vic, a man who should see all and know all, doesn't yet know this? Why hasn't some punter in passing made the remark, 'Ere, Alf, wotcher make o'that Mitchell bird gettin; aht come Monday? The one wot nicked your nipper?
You really have to wonder, because it's that bizarre.
Anyway, Max is feeling the heat of his encounter with Carl - you know, the one where he publically threatened to kill Carl. Krusty's not amused because she knows Carl's a wind-up merchant. Max's po-faced daughters aren't amused and think he should apologise.
(Note: It's not all about Little Miss Perfect tonight, but every time the camera idles on her, Jossa flipped her hair or gurned for the camera, whilst giving an over-the-top enunciation to her words. Someone's in love with herself.)
Everywhere Max goes, he seems to see Carl, or so he thinks - in the cafe, working on his car in front of Max's house. Max is so obsessed, he's forgotten it's Jack's birthday. (So had we, because it's never been celebrated before).
But Max has another problem too. Wondergirl, Little Miss Wanker, doesn't want to work in a boring old car lot anymore, so we were subjected to five minutes of Jossa's party piece gurning and telling Max how bored she was and how she wanted a real job. Of course, he doesn't look outside the Square - the Minute Mart, Ian ... no one trusts Lauren around booze.
Oh, dear, what will he do?
And once Kirsty twigs that it was Carl who sent her the flowers, she rounds on Max as well.
Ring Ring.
What would Walford be these days, without a segment dedicated to yoof? Ah, but they're interlinked in this situation with Phil, peripherally, that is. Jay sees Phil talking to Carl - never a good thing, in Jay's mind. He's worried about Phil associating with a stranger and also about Phil's cashflow - which is pretty low, thanks to Jay and Dexter.
Of course, this is all about a telephone ringing - Jay's, precisely. It all started with that kiss ...
Jay kissed Kitty and now Kitty won't leave him alone. Phonecalls, text messages, Jay ignores them all, to the point of turning his phone off, which has Flabbi the Dough-Faced Girl worried. She thinks he's gone off her, that she hurt him with her honesty from last week.
Giggle giggle snort snort.
No one knows about the furtive kiss, except Dexter, who's got the biggest mouf in the EastEnd, and he's urging Jay to phone Kitty and tell her to get lost, which he does, eventually, and is promptly overheard by Lola, who's threatening to tell Flabbi, who'll crush Jay between her massive thighs in revenge.
Nothing to see here. Move on.
The Ice Queen Cometh.
Ronnie's back, as if we weren't reminded enough of that impending return. Roxy telling Jack and ruining his birthday, Dot knowing and admonishing Jack to forgive Ronnie. After all, everyone deserves a second chance.
Really? Well, maybe, but what Ronnie did wasn't just nicking a loaf of bread from the Minute Mart. She kidnapped a child, left her dead one in his place, and allowed the parents to believe their child was dead.
She's manipulative and cold, and what she wants, she usually gets. I'm not looking forward to her return.
Gym-Crackery.
The Boxing Club seems to have come alive since Janine bought into it. Whether that's down to Janine or Danny, who knows? But I like the way Danny winds Michael up, feeding him half-snippets of information that are primarily correct, but which leave out important details.
The football team had been allowed to work out for free in the gym - but this was part of a sponsorship deal, which would advertise the boxing club on their shirts - something of which Michael had never thought.
So Michael one-ups Janine (yawn), by securing Sadie's skills as a sports masseuse. He did have the line of the night, however, with Max.
Max: We'll be having a little do for Jack's birthday later on.
Michael: Oh, I'll be sure to remember. I won't be there though.
Max: That's not very nice.
Michael: Ah, but I'm not very nice, and it's not very nice to sell one's share of the boxing club without telling.
The Crash Test Dummies.
Last year, yes, that would be feasible in light of the Ben reveal. But this year, no. It doesn't wash, like Shirley doesn't wash, literally. This is just another example of the female-friendly EastEnders, where women are loud, bombastic and powerful, and men are wusses.
Phil needs money, so he gets in like Flynn with Carl on a deal Phil should have had more nous to check out. Why the desperation? Why? Nothing. It was a plot device to set Phil up with Carl in a car which Carl drove like a bat out of hell, before ending in a whimper of crash in a knacker's yard, with Phil looking like chopped liver through the windscreen. Bad crash test dummy, however.
Observation. Amy is four years old. Shouldn't she have started school? Yet there was no scene of her, Monday, dressed to go off for her first day.
Slow starter. Things can only get better, can't they?
Excellent blog as usual. I love the way you find songs that go with the characters and the scenes, although it's a shame we haven't seen "Hearts and Flowers" for a while. Maybe when Bianca has her inevitable financial crisis in the run-up to Christmas we'll see it back. Your "friends" on DS seem to think suicide is genetic. Michael's mum committed suicide, which means Michael will commit suicide.
ReplyDeleteSee felixrex's comment. Felix gets it. Michael is a psychopath. Psychopaths are egotistical and narcissistic. They are also manipulative. If Michael commits suicide, it will totally be an accident. His mother was a psychopath also, who used suicide attempts to control Eddie's actions (psychopaths are control freaks also, this is what Michael was seeking to do to Janine in her post-partum highly hormonal state last year). Except, Michael's mum decided to count on her boy finding her and alerting his dad, which he didn't do, because he didn't come in from playing on time. Michael will not commit suicide.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, an even BIGGER psychopath is coming BACK to Walford: Ronnie Mitchell.
Can I ask a question? Why do you think it's clever or funny to call a teenage girl "Flabbi"? It's not like her weight is remotely relevant to her storyline, her character or anything, so why it is worth mentioning? Adult actors may be fair game (although I can't see why anyone would want to make such a big deal of it) but surely being so vicious about a teenage girl for no reason is both unnecessary and irresponsible?
ReplyDeleteYou've asked your question, now here's your answer - because I can. And yes, her weight IS relevant, in a day and age when teenaged obesity is a big problem. Especially to an actress.
DeleteAnd the next time, you feel the need to make a sanctimonious comment on my blog, have the courage to leave your name. You obviously read this to witter back to your trolly friends, so either plant your name or plant your bum elsewhere.
Vaslav37 and co on Digital Spy have now come up with conspiracy theories about Sharon / Letitia Dean. They are saying that Lorraine Newman and Letitia Dean must have fallen out as Sharon is getting little screen time and crap stories. Vaslav37 and his fans have also said the writers have conspired to "destroy" Sharon. Another forum member has said the Sharon fans on DS are certifiable and I think he or she has a point. Sharon should never have gone back to Albert Square. Is it time for Sharon to be axed? If she is written out will Vaslav37 and co say it's part of a plot against Letitia Dean? Probably.
ReplyDeleteI am a Sharon fan, and I am not certifiable. Sharon won't be axed. She is an original character and iconic - the centrepiece in the most famous soap plotline in UK history. I think she was asked to return for 2 reasons - Pam St Clement announced her departure and Steve McFadden wanted her to return, and what he wants, he usually gets. (He wants a Kemp return, so fingers crossed). I don't think there's a conspiracy as much as Newman & Co simply didn't know how to approach Sharon. Newman was only a 19 year-old script secretary when Dean was on her first stint, and Berridge set in motion the ruination of Sharon in 2003 when she moved her away from the Mitchells and onto her pretty-boy brother. The rest of Newman's backroom staff are millenials who don't give a fig about the show's history and Simon Ashdown, who used Dean's wish for Sharon to have a friend as an excuse to plop her amongst the Brannings. That's different from Kirkwood, who willfully set out to alter Kat's personality to suit his own. DTC is a known Sharon fan. If he can't set her straight, no one can. I fear, with Ronnie's presence, however, Dean may leave of her own volition.
DeleteYou're right about Amy. Where is she? Going to school is a big story but she's nowhere to be seen.
ReplyDeletePoor Ronnie,
ReplyDeleteAlfie should be portrayed as the bad guy. Kat has not lost her senses, she empathizes with a grieving mother.
What was so wrong about a grieving mother (suffering from PND) swapping out the babies ?
This wasn't planned, it was a moment of madness spurred by PND & a bad set of circumstances which presented a perfect solution to an unfortunate & tragic moment.
Remember, Kat & Alfie are anything but victims, it's Ronnie that is without child, Ronnie that is reminded of her dead baby every time she sees or hears the little Tdog.
Oh, the Ronnie-shipper is back. And someone who's never EVER been a mother. I ask, what MOTHER in her right mind, would forgive someone who took her child, left a dead one in its place and then allowed those parents to greive openly whilst she paraded around the Square with their child?
DeleteYou simply wouldn't. Even the most diehard Christian wouldn't. Watch the episode where Kat and Alfie get the child back. Kat is very articulate about her feelings toward Ronnie.
As for Ronnie, she is, like Michael Moon, a psychopath. From the very beginning, she's obsessed about Roxy, keeping Roxy in a state of perpetual girlhood, even ordering her to get an abortion when she fell pregnant because Roxy wasn't supposed to get pregnant first. She even got violent with her sister, scarring her face.
She broke up a marriage simply to try to recreate another Danielle, and when her ex-boyfriend told her he'd had the snip, she kicked him out there and then. When she wasn't obsessing about Roxy, she obsessed about Jack - lying to Sam about his feelings about Richard.
She's manipulative, narcissistic and cold, thinking of no one but herself. As she reiterated in that scene with the prison shrink, Alfie and Kat meant nothing to her. She took the child because she wanted it.
And now, she's being brought back, mostly to appease and actress who needs a regular income to support school fees and who has a husband who can't find work, but also to appease insipid fans who think she's the coolest thing since ice water. She is not, nor will she ever be the icon that Sharon Watts was and is and who's being sacrificed as a character to appease a younger, more botoxed and slimmer actress, and that sucks.
Forever, Ronnie will always be a freak show. Someone like that would be so in reality - the woman who kidnapped a baby. That the kid's mother would take her in and befriend her is totally jumping the shark.
The Mitchells are my favourite family, but I'd rather see them expunged than to see them set up and validated by this woman's presence and emergence as the Hard Woman of Walford, because it gives them the impetus and belief that they can do anything. I hate the Brannings, but just imagine if one of them had done this.
I wondered how long it would be before you crawled out of the woodwork. Well, you can crawl back in. Because I don't like Ronnie OR the husband-stealing actress who plays her.
Sharon may be iconic but she has never been easy on the eye, hence the nickname 'Miss Piggy'. She's always been overweight but never been recast because the one thing she can do (the most important) is act well.
ReplyDeleteYour first part of this comment describes precisely the shallowness of today's EastEnders. No one, amongst the original bunch, was "easy on the eye."
DeleteWhere would the likes of Susan Tully be today amongst the fray?