The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba - Review: 09.09.2013

Appropriate music for an appropriate episode, because this was the prelude to the arrival of EastEnders' most heralded event of the year: The Return of Ronnie Mitchell,

But only for her annoying shippers. There was an amazing scene tonight, which, whilst it was more than a bit of pot calling the kettle black, which described Ronnie right down to a tee, but more of that later. Instead, let's get a few things straight about Ronnie (and Roxy).

• Ronnie and Roxy are retcons, pure and simple. They never existed,they were never even mentioned before they appeared on the Square in 2007, which explains why no one recognised them. Come on. We'd heard of Clive Mitchell and his family, but we'd never heard of Archie and his sprogs. Besides, Roxy Mitchell had no idea of whom Sharon was. She may never have met her, but something as up front as Sharongate in the Mitchell family would surely have gone down in family lore.
• Ronnie was and is a control freak. That was obvious from day one, the way she ordered her sister about. Ronnie reckoned that Roxy's fiance' was a bad'un, so they scarpered from Ibiza and headed for Walford. So emotionally dependent on Roxy on Ronnie that, even in her thirties, she was the eternal child, partying until all hours, doing whatever she fancied and sulking if she didn't get her way. (We got some evidence of that tonight).
• Ronnie was and is an arch manipulator. She does whatever it takes to get what she wants - lying to Sam in order to get her and Richard out of the way, then lying to Jack about the same thing. Of course, the babyswap was the ultimate lie and manipulation. So clever is she, she probably even snookered the shrinks and counsellors inside.
• Ronnie doesn't give a rat's arse about anyone or anything but herself and certain of the Mitchells.

Allegedly, this little return was cooked up round about the time of the Baftas earlier this year, and I would imagine that a lot of Sharon fans from way back (myself included) saw a shove of Sharon to the background in favour of the Ice Queen. Sharon's old EastEnders. Ronnie is EastEnders 2.0, which seems to be the norm these days - Branningalia, flawless women emotionally dependent on weak men,and screeching denoting strength in womankind.

Enter the new Hard Woman of Walford. 

The day of the hard man is gone.

I've just remembered that the Mitchell sisters were the part of the Mitchell family I didn't like.

The Spoiled Child.

I know that the object of this whole ordeal is to make reasonable people like Alfie Moon the bad egg. To the Ronnie-Shippers. Alfie is in the wrong, but the real dingbat in tonight's ointment is Roxy.

Roxy not only acted like the proverbial spoiled brat, she acted exactly like what she was - a Mitchell, who - by virtue of her name, alone - could do anything she wanted, and that included bringing back her sister, who'd knowingly taken a live child, left her dead one in its place and carried on the charade for four months of caring for that child as hers, whilst allowing the child's parents to believe their baby dead and grieve for it.

Even Jack has trouble getting his head around the fact that Roxy plans on brining Roxy back here, not only to Walford, but to the pub. Even more unbelieveable is that she honestly believes Alfie will be all right with this - once he understood, of course, how much Ronnie meant to her.

Of course, that makes sense. Why wouldn't it? Ronnie Mitchell kidnapped Alfie's infant son, left her dead baby in his place and spent four months parading around Walford with the Moons' child, whilst they ate themselves up in grief. Of course, Alfie would be sheer understanding, itself.

Not.

This was a good episode tonight, interesting and watchable, even if EastEnders is truly jumping the shark, bringing this damaged and pejorative psychopath of a character back and shoving her to the front of the show, an ensemble piece, as the star of the show.

And once again, Shane Richie stepped up to the plate. Roxy wasn't just a spoiled brat in all of this, she was playing the Mitchell card. In other words, there's nothing to stop a Mitchell from returning to what was, essentially, their manor.

Someone pointed out, on the Digital Spy forum, that Kat had precluded Ronnie's return to Walford. This is true. This happened in one of the episodes immediately prior to Jack's and Sharon's non-wedding. Jack had stepped from his flat onto the street, and Kat was standing there, waiting to pounce. She informed him that she'd heard from the Probation service, informing her that Ronnie was going to be released imminently, and asked if there were any conditions that she, as the mother of Ronnie's victim, wanted imposed on Ronnie's release.

Kat told Jack that she had asked that Ronnie be kept away from Walford, that even though she had forgiven Ronnie, it didn't necessarily mean that she wanted to see her every day and have her living near her child.

So what's happened to that? It was a piece of dialogue. It meant something. Retcon? Simply forgotten or both? What's even more unbelieveable is the naivete of some viewers who think it nothing at all, that a woman should be able to forgive another person who's caused her unrelenting misery and even altered her life psychologically and welcome her into her home as a friend.

With such reactions, I can only describe these people as stupid. Critical thinking is dead, and EastEnders takes this for granted.

So, bravo, for Alfie turning the screws on Roxy emotionally, because I can tell you, that if someone had taken Amy or Lexi and kept them for four months, allowing Amy or Lexi to be believed dead, and then returned them, the culprit wouldn't be in prison, they'd have been run to the ends of the earth; and if they had been sent to prison, Phil or someone would be on hand to make sure they never returned to the scene of the crime, and people would cheer that.

Alfie actually wasn't being unreasonable. He wasn't stopping Roxy from seeing her sister, and she could easily live nearby. But Roxy wanted Ronnie there, with her, and she expected Alfie to accept that, after everything Ronnie had put Alfie through, and then shrugged it off as nothing that bothered her, because she didn't know or care about them.

And to see Roxy pout and tear up behind the bar of the pub and blub, looking at Michael, Jack, Alfie and Kat ...

Boo-hoo ... you're all going to get what you wanted ... boo-hoo ... she's not coming back.

Boo-bloody-hoo, Mitchell entitlement getting put firmly in its place.

But, of course, we all know that entitlement wins out in the end, because one of those people get snookered.

It Takes One to Know One.

The most brilliant scene of the night was between Michael and Jack, in the portacabin, where they'd retired to share a whiskey and talk about Ronnie.

As much as Jack might protest that he's more concerned about Max's predicament, he is worried about Ronnie, because - as Michael pointed out - she gets inside your head.

The scene was brilliant because Michael described Ronnie to perfection. 

Yes, she knew exactly what she was doing when she left dead James and took living Tommy. She took a living child because in her extreme, psychopathic entitlement, she should have a living child and not another dead one. She took Tommy because she could.

She knew what she was doing when she took the baby back to the flat, and when she was trying to return him and Jack showed up. Instead, early on, of explaining everything, she hid the child and lied again and again to cover her tracks.

(Speaking of James's death, Ronnie had a day-old child, who was still wearing his incubation cap, swanning around the Square in late December. She put him down to sleep in one room, then fell asleep in another in the afternoon, and didn't awake before midnight. It's no wonder the child died).

And, yes, Ronnie will be all too quick to play the victim in this mess, when she returns. As Michael says, her angelic face will make people all too quick to forgive what she's done. When Jack remarked that Ronnie said Michael was obsessed with her and wondered why Michael tried to set up Ronnie again, as child-obsessed, Michael got angry and reminded Jack that people's memories were too short about some people. (A subtle did by the writer, Lauren Klee, perhaps about the viability of this current situation?)

But Michael also got angry at Jack's words, because they hit home some truths as well. Yes, Michael was obsessed by Ronnie, because he saw in Ronnie - in her "cold" eyes (his words) - exactly what he was. More than Jack and Ronnie, more than Michael and Janine, Michael and Ronnie are soulmates - two cold, calculating, manipulative psychopaths, who think themselves above people and their surroundings, who care only about themselves and getting what they want, and who would do anything to achieve this.

Michael got angry because he was forced to confront this, but I wonder if Jack noticed this.

And, please, spare me all your lines about how Ronnie got counselling in prison. Psychopaths out-manouevre such people.

The Crook, the Cook, His Lover, Her Sister and Some Old Skank.

Now loose ends are being tied. Ian's Carl's informant, but Ian has a conscience. That conscience has him making meals for the Brannings and ferrying food for Carol. He can't abide the secret anymore and tells Denise.

Mummy, I've done a weally stupid thing.

(Why is it all of Ian Beale's romantic partners end up treating him like they were the mother of a recalcitrant adolescent? Now Denise is at it, and how perspicacious of Kim to pick up on this tendancy).

Except Denise thinks Ian's actually seen Max and was courageous enough to go to the police. Sworn to secrecy, she inevitably tells a sceptical Kim, just at the moment Kirsty Branning walks into the Minute Mart.

As for Phil, with visitors like Carl - who's come to see how near dead he is - and Shirley, who's come to gloat, I'd rather not see anyone. But now Shirley's twigged that Carl had something to do with Phil's accident, and we're about to see the measure of Carl.

In the Court of the Two Queens.

We only got a brief glimpse of both tonight, the Once and the Future Queen of Walford. Ronnie emerged from prison, looking tanned, botoxed, nose job touched up, hair lightened - neck needs a bit of work though. Sharon was browsing the clothes stall, and seemed to be worried that Jack would rub her nose in Ronnie's homecoming,since he broke up their non-wedding because of her.

Yes, Sharon is fat, over forty and written badly. Ronnie is younger, svelte and enough writers are still on the show who remember the character enough to ensure that she won't get a bad script. She'll turn Kat into a saint, big bad Alfie will see the error of his ways, she'll interfere in Michael and Janine, and - if the actress gets her way - she'll bed David Wicks.

It's Dominic Treadwell-Collins for whom I feel sorry. He's on record as saying Sharon's his favourite character, but he created Ronnie. And his old boss, Diederich Santer said it was ever impossible for both Sharon and Ronnie to reside in Walford at the same time.

Well, this is EastEnders 2.0, so you know what the answer will be, and a lot of long-term viewers will switch the off button.

Good episode, shame about the storyline.