Money Money Money - Review: 02.09.2013

There's something about watching an episode after the night it's been aired, especially after a night when you've been ill. Perspective is a bit sharper, and where you might have settled for the mediocre being a substitute for the actual good, you recognise that what was actually supposed to be the beginning of a new and exciting September, in fact turned out to be pretty meh.

The foreshadowing of the real important stuff that's about to happen - the mess with Phil, Carl and Max and the return of Her Imperial Majest, the Ice Queen - was good. The rest was pretty dire.

The Wheat

Mystery Mr Loverman.

I've included the Max build-up because it featured Carl and it's contingent to the story that's about to unfold, even though it did include ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.

I'd like to think that everything that mattered between Max and Carl was all to do with Kirsty, but it's not. It's more to do with Lauren, but then, everything is. Tanya left because of Lauren, and Max goes doo-lally on Carl because of the Go-To Girl.

It's her first day for the third time lucky attempt at AS-Levels. But Carl's right there, unseen, on Max's doorstep, leaving flowers for Kirsty.

And did we learn a lot about Carl's and Kirsty's relationship from this episode:-

• Kirsty's favourite flowers are irises.
• She likes champagne
• "Cupid" by Sam Cooke was her favourite song and was going to be the first dance at her wedding to Carl.

It put me in mind of Kirsty, herself, when she first arrived in Walford, knowing more about Max than Tanya did. Now, it seems that Max knows even less about Kirsty than Carl does, but that doesn't stop him from taking credit for the flowers ...

'Ow'd you know I liked roses?

Or the bubbly ...

This is good. This is really good.

I wonder if Carl were somehow behind the mystery 11 Vauxhall Astras that Jack suddenly had to find after making a deal. Ten grand, the Bruvs would have taken from the deal - ten grand ... sound familiar? Someone else needs ten grand too.

The irony of Max's situation is that each time Max confronts Carl over some mystery pestering - the arrival of the flowers - he restrains himself.

Life's too short, Max says to Carl after an encounter in the cafe, stepping back from confronting him. Life was even too short when the champagne showed up ... until Carl mentioned the magic name: Lauren.

All of a sudden, Max is all over Carl like a bad rash, even threatening to kill him. In public. In broad daylight.

Mr PotatoHead and That Smell.

The fact that Shirley's once again blackmailing Phil is a plot device - pure and simple. She tried as much last year, full in the wake of Ben's confession, when Shirley's emotions were raw and bleeding. Phil told her where to go and how to get there.

Now, after one year, we're asked to believe that Shirley approaches Phil again, and demands money - enough money, she brags to all and sundry, to see her clear to owning her own little bar in Greece - a view of the sea, a couple of rooms out back, plenty of Ouzo, which she was drinking in the pub tonight.

She brags that Phil's going to give her the money, because he owes her, but I'm not clear whether this "debt" has anything to do with Heather or whether this is Shirley being bitter and twisted about the fact that Phil doesn't love her, has never loved her and - even if he isn't with Sharon - still loves Sharon.

This is not payment for Heather's death; this is payment for Shirley being back in Walford for almost a year, for abandoning, yet again, her daughter andher new grandson, in order to stick around Walford like a bad smell, picking at Phil, who'd moved on from their relationship.

The only way for Shirley now to get away from Phil is if Phil finances her departure, and so she's hitting him for more cash.

The big question is ... why is he letting her do so?

This is Phil Mitchell, for fuck's sake. All of a sudden, he's letting Shirley call the shots?

Tonight we saw the ugly Shirl - the really bitter, twisted and ugly Shirley, who bites anything or anyone in the way of her misery. She revelled in Jean's exaggerated distress, encouraging her in her silly aspirations to be an HGV driver, chiding her that Ollie left because that's what men always do, and to compensate, women have to get in and get what's theirs before the man is out of sight.

Really, Shirley? Really? Because I seem to recall that you left Kevin and your children, not the other way around.

And, of course, the missing link in all of this is Carl, who overhears Shirley's demands of Phil, and knows that Phil's lost - rather, the infants who work for him, lost - the magic amount of ten grand. Carl offers him some hope, but Phil refuses. Why? (He'd better keep refusing).

Side Note: Ian's late with his payment again. Carl reminds him.

Now, we've got all the players in place for Carl Week: Carl, Phil, Max and Ian.

Sister Act.

Saint Kat, who's about to meet Her Imperial Majesty, the Ice Queen.

Kat's got to know when Ronnie's out, but in between, she plays Saint Kat the Benevolent, and gives Jean some sound advice about Ollie.

Kat's redemption has been shoved solidly in our faces so much that, were she Catholic, she'd be beatified by now. Forgiving the woman who kidnapped her child and kept him for four months is one thing, putting a roof over her head is another.

I thought Kat had been advised when Ronnie was being released. Ne'mind, she knows now, especially as Roxy has made it a public announcement.

Now the question is why doesn't Alfie know, if everyone in Walford knows via Roxy?

Perhaps we should hear this music every time we see the hallowed one - and we'll be seeing a lot, as this is about to turn into The Ronnie Show, once again.

The Chaff

Contrived Legacy.

Okay, a couple of questions:-

• How did Liam Butcher acquire a place at Walford High, when he had previously been turned down on appeal? Not even the bullying/gang incident would have merited that.
• How did hairy Cindy the Greek obtain a place, when she's only been in Walford for two weeks? Also, she's not even living with someone who's her designated guardian. There's been no legal action, which would take time, nominating Ian as her legal guardian/care giver. Just like Shenice.

So it's the first day of school in EastEndersLand and one fourteen year-old meets another. Wicksy's great-nephew, Ian Beale's nephew and David Wicks's grandson meet Cindy Beale's daughter - the daughter of the woman who'd slept with all three men. That's how incestuous EastEnders is.

Hairy Cindy the Greek mentioned her father having given her the posh phone Liam admired. That would be Nick Holland, if she's telling the truth, and I'd like it if she were, because maybe old Nick would be up for a visit to Walford to claim back his daughter, who's surplus to requirements as far as youth is concerned. Or maybe hairy Cindy the Greek bought the phone, herself, with that money she nicked from the Famous Five in the New Forest.

Hairy Cindy the Greek and Liam - well, that was obvious, as he's the only person near her age in Walford. It will all end in tears, hopefully, when DTC gives her her marching orders.

Group Stink.

Someone smack Dexter. Smack him now. He is the rudest, most spoiled brat ever to set foot on the show. The fact that Phil's not paying him now and has designated him almost a servant status means he's officially become Step'nFetchit on acid.

All he did in tonight's episode was moan continuously and unintelligibly about Phil keeping back his wages until the ten grand (that amount again) had been retrieved. And moan about how he shouldn't have to repay all the money earned. They all should have to do so, as they were all there together.

Sorry, how so? Phil entrusted Dexter to make the delivery of the car and get the money owed. Dexter lost the money. It's not down to the Famous Five Do Devon, or wherever.

And putting Peter with this group stinks. He deserves better than the fat girl who giggles and snorts and an idiot who can't be understood. The decision of all the Famous Five to help Dexter repay his debt was puerile and reminiscent of a 1930s Let's-Put-On-A-Show genre teenaged film. The group hug was embarrassing, and the look on Ben Hardy's face when Khali Best suggested it was hilarious. Hardy knows a stinker when he sees one.

The symbolic donation of 20p apiece, plus Peter's ironic insistence that "Cindy had no money" was totally contrived. We know it's only a matter of time before she starts splashing the shit about.

Go away. Just go now.

Two Puketards.

Jamie Lomas is a bad actor, and I mean that as "bad" in "bad."

I know he's supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, but Lauren looks more like a little girl than someone nearing twenty years old, and their budding relationship is creepy. Jossa is seriously SUCH a bad actress. She came across in all her scenes today as self-obsessed, spoiled and amazingly aware of the camera's eye upon her - all exaggerated gestures, sly looks to the side to check the camera angles and intense arm movement.

Couple that to the fact that Lauren is a shit. A total shit. It wasn't Jake's place to remove her from that group therapy session when she started laughing at the  unfortunate woman telling her tale. It was the counsellor's place to do so. And it was obvious that Lauren didn't attend for any other beneficial purpose than to see Jake again. 

In fact, Lauren apologised to Jake ... to Jake ... for her inappropriate behaviour, when she should have made a grovelling apology to the woman who was speaking.

Hanging around in the aftermath was all to get together with Jake, to learn his story.

Surprise, surprise ... he's a trained French chef who had his own chain of French bistros. (Not chips, frites). Oh, do tell.

Lomas is the weakest link in Newman's signings, a Hollyoaks pretty boy brought in to pair up with Newman's go-to girl, Jossa, and one is as bad as the other.

How many wanna bet that Lomas is Ian's new chef, as well as the chef in the Vic, when Jean departs?

Countdown starts now ...

Poor beginning to an anticipated week.