Newman's Revenge - Review: 12.09.2013

Ever hear of Montezuma's Revenge? The Spanish call it turista. It's the price one pays for visiting Mexico and eating spicy food to which one is accustomed. It gives you the shits, to put it succinctly.

Now, let me introduce you to Newman's Revenge - EastEnders 2.0 with a spicy twist: no storylines, a plethora of returning characters, one in particular who has to be the single most annoying weak-assed pyschopath ever shown on camera, a character so twisted, so entitled and so obsessed that I fail to see why a certain demographic gives her kudos for being a heroine - yet these are the people who want to bed Michael Moon, another psychopath - loud women who are co-dependent on men, and even weaker men.

Someone started a thread on Digital Spy, which took the figurative biscuit, wondering if EastEnders started to go into decline in 2003.

How wonderfully perspicacious!

The answer is "yes," it did. The show started bleeding viewers, roughly around ten years ago - when Den Watts was resurrected and the main Mitchells made a temporary exit for a year, leaving Sharon with the runts of the litter (Kim Medcalf's Sam and Billy) and a readymade family consisting of Dead Daddio, a pasty-faced English girl with a stereotypical American accent who looked as much as if she'd been brought up in Florida as a nun looks like a whore, and a prettyboy brother, who quickly became Sharon's lover.

Thus beginneth the phenomenon known as Shannis. The Shannisites were the precursors of the obsessed and deluded Ronnie-Shippers. Criticise Shannis at your peril. You'd be bullied off various fora. Venture to opine that Sharon didn't trust Dennis, that she trusted the Mitchells more and that there were spades more sexual chemistry in the 20-second scene she shared with Ross Kemp in 2005 than there ever was with fey Saint Dennis, and you were practically accused of blasphemy and subjected to any and all sorts of verbal abuse and threats.

The show began to bleed viewers, culminating in chalking up, one night, an appalling set of viewing statistics well below those of Emmerdale, and Louise Berridge resigned.

But she'd established a precedent. From thence forward, every EP, and especially Kate Harwood, pandered to the lowest common denominator of adolescent viewer, a demographic that also included the older, more deluded variety of fangirl and bullyboi, whose typical favourites were slotted to the fore and who would have watched the show if it only showed paint drying.

It's been that way ever since. The Tanya fanbois and girls, amongst them many who defended her "right" to bury her husband alive; the Stacey shippers. You name it. There was something for everyone, except the long-term viewer. Women became more ethereally attractive, the actresses sought boob jobs, teeth veneers and walked about in the dead of winter with tits on display. The women got louder, the men got more gormless.

Somewhere around 2007 or so, the show began to lose its identity as an ensemble piece, which is what a soap is supposed to be. The Branning family began to expand and, as their children grew and as more crawled out of the woodwork, they thrust themselves to the forefront. Then, simultaneously, two female characters - themselves members of prominent Square families (the Mitchells and the Slaters) - allied themselves with the Brannings and the thing morphed into The Stacey and Ronnie Show.

Even after both characters "took a break," the show became The Yoof'n Booty Show, featuring whatever Branning seemed to be on display. It was in danger of becoming The Lauren Show, but now, with the return of RoNostril, it's now focused on being The Ronnie and Lauren Show.

The irony of the current situation is that the programme, for the first time since Lorraine Newman took over, it's managed a week of tight, well-written episodes - because Sam Womack needed money to pay her children's school fees and to fund more cosmetic surgery, which is an ongoing process Ronnie Mitchell has, unrealistically, returned to the Square. 

And that's another thing: Say whatever you will about EastEnders of the 1980s and 1990s, it was the soap, along with Brookside, with its feet firmly planted in reality. Once Brookside went the tits-and-ass-Lindsay-Corkhill-and-Emily-Shadwich-Titty-Review, it tanked. EastEnders has lost that reality bite. 

It's now a place where a woman can bury her husband alive, have him return to the family fold and treat the situation like a joke; it's a place here parents and siblings are retconned and pulled from behind the cabbage patch, where plots which occurred two months ago, are conveniently forgotten, and where a woman who kidnapped and kept for four months, a neighbour's baby can return to the Square and where the child's father is suddenly seen as the baddie in the piece.

Give me a fucking break.

Yes, the viewing for this week has been good. No, Samantha Womack is not a brilliant actress. She's mediocre, which is why she's returned to this cash cow; and the unreality factor and the blatant dumbing-down of the programme, which is turning long-term viewers off and chasing casual viewers away, is exactly part of the reason Coronation Street and Emmerdale have been beating EastEnders' ass this week.

Go on, Numpties. Tell anyone who criticises the show to turn it off if they don't like it. You do so at your peril, because people are turning off, and you're showing that the show is now writing for people just like you and getting away with shit - because you have no common sense and no critical thinking abilities.

The Weak Women of Walford

The Botoxed Nostril.

The Mitchells are my favourite family, but - involved and connected with Ronnie - they stink. They're at their worst anytime she's at the forefront.

Tonight was evidence of that.

I wonder how many people on the EastEnders' production staff are parents. I wonder how many of them would countenance or even allow someone who'd taken their child, dumped their dead child in the crib in its place and kept that child for four months, whilst the real parents grieved, a place in their lives after such a person had, seemingly "paid their dues."

Let's get one thing straight here. RoNostril has not "paid her dues". Nor has she "done her time." She was sentenced to four years' imprisonment; she's out on licence after two - just like Bianca. If she commits another crime, she's back inside, no questions asked. We all know that in real life she wouldn't be allowed within a certain mile radius of Tommy Moon and his family, nor would she want to be. Even Santer got this right with Mad May, who circumvented the situation with a false name, and that was stretching the limit.

I don't know why the viewing public are being asked, cajoled, begged to see this woman in a positive and sympathetic light. Tonight, she showed nothing but manipulative entitlement.

For the record, yet again, Alfie had every right to the outburst he had in the pub. He had returned home earlier to find RoNostril upstairs in the Vic in the same room as Tommy, and he had asked her to leave. When he returned again, to find her still there, he was well within his remit to let rip at Roxy. And please, understand, he was not forcing Roxy to choose between him and her sister. Badly worded - and we all word things badly in moments of stress - he was asking her to declare where her first loyalty lay - with someone with whom she'd committed to marry or with her sister.

You realise that Roxy with RoNostril means that she will never marry, that she'll never settle down with one person and raise a family, whilst RoNostril is single. And there they'll be - two ageing partygirls, tanning their increasingly leathery skin under the Ibiza sun, with frequent trips to Paris or Madrid for botox and facelift treatments. And the men, at least for Roxy, will get younger and younger.

Yet Alfie is viewed as the villain of the piece. He's "out of order" for speaking out in his home and in his business. Odd, that Jean, one of many Village Idiots in Walford sees RoNostril for what she's really done - put the final nail in the coffin of Kat's and Alfie's marriage.

RoNostril makes sure everyone gets sucked into her manipulation. The arch-psychopath, she knows everyone's vulnerabilities and taps into them. Her obsessions are her sister and Jack, and - boy - can she string them up like kippers.

Her very presence sends Roxy careening back to an overgrown childhood, tearfully watching her sister not leave Walford (surely, she should know her own sister better than that?), sulking because she was "forced" to make an adult decision - put her sibling first and remain a child for the rest of her life in RoNostril's shadow or choose loyalty to the man who's proposed to her; lying hunched up, sniffling on the bed, pouting because she couldn't have her cake and eat it too.

She knows how to get to Jack as well. First, there was the poor-pitiful victim routine - walking slowly and sadly towards the Tube Station, trying to make her frozen face look sad. That scene was so contrived, all it lacked was the Hearts-and-Flowers background music ...

Cue Jack to the rescue of the Damsel in Distress, and RoNostril knew exactly what to do ... play the tragic victim, and Jack was stupid. Alfie was right to remind him that he bore the scars of the babyswap tragedy. After all, RoNostril denied him the right of saying good-bye to his son and led him to believe, for four months, that James was still alive. That was cruelty, in and of itself. 

Then, after he stood by her and loved her, she callously divorced him, whilst in prison.

The whole Mitchell behaviour in last night's episode was skewed and entitled. Billy:-

She ain't a babysnatcher, she's fairmleeee.

Sorry, but that sucked. If this had been someone like Bianca or Tanya had snatched a Mitchell baby and left a dead one in its place, if they'd kept that Mitchell child for months on end and watched its parents grieve, if Phil or Billy would have been so forgiving and open-minded about that person returning to Walford.

Would they, bollocks!

The woman would have been ridden out of town on a rail, tarred and feathered and deemed nothing less than a witch.

And RoNostril, who used to make a living out of taunting Billy Mitchell, played him like a fiddle.

Worst line of the night to Ronnie:

My club?

No, bitch, sorry, it's not your club. You sold the club to Phil, and Roxy sold her share to Janine; and Phil has given 19 per cent of his share to Sharon. So you, bitch, own jack shit. Well, you might own Jack; because your strength-inducing visit to a much-weakened Phil not only convinced you of your "right" to live in Walford, but also gave you the remit to play the part that Jack responds to best - the hard-to-get-happy girl.

The Hard Woman of Walford, who'll set the world to right sucks shit. The measure of her psychopathy, when compared to that of Michael, is totally convincing. Michael, the psychopath, has that innate ability to convince even the people he's scammed that they even forget some of the terrible things he's done to them - Alfie, Kat, Jean, Roxy, even silly Alice rush to his defence.

It's the same with RoNostril. She picks her victims wisely, and she knows how they respond. She was picking her next one tonight with Lola, who was well wary of introducing her to Lexi. That final disdainful look she shot Lola was coldness, in itself.

I hate this character. Worst mistake in the world, bringing her back, especially now that she's going to be shoehorned into every storyline. The ratings are proving that some viewers aren't swayed, even though they are shouted down by the idiots out baying at the moon in RoNostril Mania.

Zelda the Avenging Angel.

So I guess TPTB want to push the Shirley-and-Phil meme. So, does that mean that Shirley will welcome a homecoming Ben with a new head sometime about the 30th Anniversary in 2015, with open arms and an air of forgiveness? As Heather was fine, fat and the wrong side of forty, I suppose she's irrelevant here.

Enter SuperShirley, who steps up to the plate for a weakened, wizened Phil, putting Greece aside and deciding to take Carl on, herself.

How, exactly?

No doubt, Shirley is hard, And scarey. And she'd make Ian Beale or Billy Mitchell piss his pants in a New York minute, but when pitted against a male of reasonable strength and cunning, like Carl, you really have to wonder what she's going to do.

As for Shirley - and Kim's assessment that she can't live with Phil and she can't live without him - association with Phil gave Shirley status. She basked in the sunlight that belonged to the Mitchells. Being with Phil gave her power. Prior to that, she was just some two-bit barfly lush who'd abandoned her children.

So the historically weak writers who dominate the horizon on EastEnders now have totally abandoned the historical link between Phil and Sharon as nothing.

Whatever anyone thinks of Sharon, the character is iconic and original and should not be treated as detritus by an executive producer who is extremely short on imagination and talent and a bevy of writers whose talent is definitely wanting.

I'm glad Shirley's gone. I'd like it if she never came back.

The Beales Are Not Foxy.

I'm sorry, but Denise and Ian don't go. As families go, this is beyond belief. Kim wanting to be "sisters" with NuLucy (who looks as though she's actually gaining weight), and hairy Cindy the Greek buttering up Denise with money she's stolen from Phil Mitchell.

Ian has every right to have the shits. He's committing a major crime with the false statement against Max Branning, as well as unknowingly harbouring Cindy the Greek, who's got Phil's ten grand, which she happened fo "borrow" from Liam.

Ian's in for some major trouble in the future, which just might send Denise scurrying across the street to the B and B for sanctuary.

Lip Gloss.

Collagened to the hilt are Lauren and Kirsty. And Max is a wimp. On Carl's weak threat, he dumps Kirsty. As you do.

Someone needs to comb her hair.