Tonight the stars of the show were clearly Janine and Jay, plus a nice little surprise interlude.
Wanna know the interlude?
Alice and AntKnee. Seriously. I've never ever been a fan of the Moon Goons, but this attraction between AntKnee and Alice is something that is just too little too late, and I'm seriously wondering if the wrong Goon brother was given the push.
Consider the couple known not-so-fondly as Twitney (or Shitney, depending on what kind of mood I'm in). Remember when they were literally being forced down our throats at the beginning of the year? Remember the abhorrent Moon party when Whitney acted like a real chav and wanted to fight the Lollygag Beale bag o'bones? Remember the dodgy lock on the door of the bathroom, Fatboy's sket moment and getting dumped in the R and R?
It was butt-clenchingly cringeworthy. And who can forget EastEnders' twenty-seventh anniversary episode featuring Whitney, Tyler and balloons?
How many viewers can put their hands up and say they could hear Bryan Kirkwood demanding that we like Whitney and Tyler?
Actually, Alice and AntKnee work. His fling with Amira was awful, and maybe in this instance, the actress is carrying the piece; but given some good writing, the couple had something in which the audience could invest. Nice young couple, a girl who isn't a loud-mouthed chav or a slut who'd sleep with anything with a pulse and a fella who's willing to wait until the right moment for the right girl, up against her loutish father and brother. A couple to root for, but it all ends next week.
I see David Wittless has developed a vocal range of sorts, and a faux Cockney accent. He's obviously been takingsteroids diction lessons from Tony Discipline as well, because he's bloody unintelligible when he speaks. And, please, Eastenders, will you tell him to keep his mouth S-H-U-T.
It's unattractive and off-putting. He is a mouth-breather, and if he's got an adenoid problem, then I'm sure the production team would give him time off to nip down to Harley Street and get it sorted. Or else I want a scene where Joey swallows a fly and chokes on it. They should ensure that "There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly" is played as Joey's theme song every time he appears on screen.
Anyway, Joey is resembling his old man more and more. His control and devotion to Alice are creepy at best. In fact, all the natives on various fora are clamouring for a Joey the Toad-Lauren the Gurner liaision really need to wake up and smell the coffee. Joey's gaga for his sister. Well, vice is nice, but incest is best, and the Brannings certainly are sleazeball inbreds.
The Brannings were everywhere tonight, like a bad genital itch. Seriously. Even when they weren't involved with a storyline, their presence was felt. More on that later.
Sharon and the Brannings
Honestly, I'll say it now. If Lorraine Newman is even thinking about pairing Sharon with Jack, she should be taken out and slapped. Jack's been at a loose end since Ronnie left. He's superfluous since the departure of the Ice Queen, so maybe he should bugger off and buy an ice cream van. Scott Maslen is a nice man, but he's wooden, and together he and David Witts are like two planks in search of cuprinol.
Maslen ups his game against the likes of Jake Wood, but Letitia Dean is an EastEnders' icon, and she shouldn't be used just to justify the continued existence of a plankey actor simply because he's handsome and supposed to be a romantic lead and she's pretty. It's simply using Dean's character as the ultimate symbol of what EastEnders originally was to justify the awful Brannings as what it's become - a gaggle of loud-mouthed, gobby chav women and men who sleaze about and who can't keep their dicks in their pants. And mark me, there's no bigger male slut on the Square than Jack Branning.
Sharon should go get tested. Immediately. And Jack should go visit one of his several children dotted about the Continent.
The last scene was positively pukeworthy. No chemistry whatsoever, and Scott Maslen's cultivating a nice turkey neck.
Whilst we're on the subject of Sharon, her character still works best with the the characters she knows best - Ian and Phil. Her scenes tonight with Ian were just so natural and flowed really well. I'm not buying into the Sharon-the-Lost-Soul bit, but I suppose she's still grieving Dennis-the-Plot-Device. Yes, she loved him; but the viewers all know that Dennis was weak, and she was the one who carried that relationship. Had they lasted, eventually she would have tired of him and vice versa. Sharon likes equality in a relationship, and she's only ever found her equal in Phil ... and vice versa.
As for DamienDen ... my constitution is having coniption fits at the thought that very soon, Harry Hickles will be joined on screen by the amazingly obnoxious Maisie Smith. Denny meets Tiffany. Not one, but two amazingly obnoxious drama school kids. All we need now is for R Leanne to visit from Wetherfield and bring Simon down to play.
I'd want to cut my throat.
The kid needs a haircut, and FFS, she speaks to him as though he's a three year-old. Whoever writes this does not have children.
Jay and the Brannings
I'm 100% sympathetic to Jay's plight, and more than anyone involved with the Heather fiasco, he's showing and has shown remorse and guilt. But that doesn't eliminate the fact that, even though he was bullied by Phil to stay onside, Jay, himself, admitted that part of the reason he covered the crime was his devotion to Ben and the Mitchells.
I believe he's sincere in what he told Abi, but Abi is very young and confused by everything that had happened, as much as Jay is. Viewers know he did, indeed, try to stop Ben, but things happened so fast that intervention was impossible.
What was the height of hypocrisy was chavvy Tanya and chavvy Cora decreeing that Jay should stay away from Abi, that she was better than he. I wonder what Abi would make of the fact that not only did her sister attempt to kill their father, her mother did also - as well as killing her own. Tanya has no right to take the moral high ground with Jay. As well as suffering from a distinct lack of tact in tonight's episode.
(Big hint: her remark about Cora's firstborn means Ava's on her way.)
Janine and the Brannings
Janine, apart from Jay, is still the most sympathetic character on the programme. She's easily suffering from PND and the pressure of dealing with a young baby for the first time. She's also still reeling, I think, from a lot of the treatment she got in the run up to her wedding - specifically, the incident with Jean and the threat by Cora, who was bloody awful tonight.
Tanya was actually quite likeable when she helped Janine and reminisced about how hard it was to deal with Lauren and how Max got the easy end of the deal. But she didn't need to reveal her suspicions about Max having an affair when she was dealing with Abi. That set Janine's insecurities off once again. And Michael is bloody annoying in this instance, almost treating Janine badly in a deliberate way, as he's such a control freak.
FFS, if he'd bought a necklace "as an investment" for their child, why the hell didn't he show Janine? What was the purpose of hiding it like that? I feel for her deeply. What was totally incongruous to this scene was Tanya's presence, especially after she was bitchy to Janine, as well, duringn her pregnancy.
Katshit and the Brannings
Well, we almost know that Derek is the shagger. And we saw an excellent example of Kat's spousal abuse tonight as she threw her shoes at Alfie because he was busy and couldn't take her out, as he'd promised.
Her compassion to Shirley's plight was short too. All she's worried about is seeing the fat porker who's porking her. Slut.
Really, if Lorraine Newman wants to make her mark, her first task should be to thin out the Brannnigs. Her second task should be to thin out the Hollyoaks contingent.
Wanna know the interlude?
Alice and AntKnee. Seriously. I've never ever been a fan of the Moon Goons, but this attraction between AntKnee and Alice is something that is just too little too late, and I'm seriously wondering if the wrong Goon brother was given the push.
Consider the couple known not-so-fondly as Twitney (or Shitney, depending on what kind of mood I'm in). Remember when they were literally being forced down our throats at the beginning of the year? Remember the abhorrent Moon party when Whitney acted like a real chav and wanted to fight the Lollygag Beale bag o'bones? Remember the dodgy lock on the door of the bathroom, Fatboy's sket moment and getting dumped in the R and R?
It was butt-clenchingly cringeworthy. And who can forget EastEnders' twenty-seventh anniversary episode featuring Whitney, Tyler and balloons?
How many viewers can put their hands up and say they could hear Bryan Kirkwood demanding that we like Whitney and Tyler?
Actually, Alice and AntKnee work. His fling with Amira was awful, and maybe in this instance, the actress is carrying the piece; but given some good writing, the couple had something in which the audience could invest. Nice young couple, a girl who isn't a loud-mouthed chav or a slut who'd sleep with anything with a pulse and a fella who's willing to wait until the right moment for the right girl, up against her loutish father and brother. A couple to root for, but it all ends next week.
I see David Wittless has developed a vocal range of sorts, and a faux Cockney accent. He's obviously been taking
It's unattractive and off-putting. He is a mouth-breather, and if he's got an adenoid problem, then I'm sure the production team would give him time off to nip down to Harley Street and get it sorted. Or else I want a scene where Joey swallows a fly and chokes on it. They should ensure that "There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly" is played as Joey's theme song every time he appears on screen.
Anyway, Joey is resembling his old man more and more. His control and devotion to Alice are creepy at best. In fact, all the natives on various fora are clamouring for a Joey the Toad-Lauren the Gurner liaision really need to wake up and smell the coffee. Joey's gaga for his sister. Well, vice is nice, but incest is best, and the Brannings certainly are sleazeball inbreds.
The Brannings were everywhere tonight, like a bad genital itch. Seriously. Even when they weren't involved with a storyline, their presence was felt. More on that later.
Sharon and the Brannings
Honestly, I'll say it now. If Lorraine Newman is even thinking about pairing Sharon with Jack, she should be taken out and slapped. Jack's been at a loose end since Ronnie left. He's superfluous since the departure of the Ice Queen, so maybe he should bugger off and buy an ice cream van. Scott Maslen is a nice man, but he's wooden, and together he and David Witts are like two planks in search of cuprinol.
Maslen ups his game against the likes of Jake Wood, but Letitia Dean is an EastEnders' icon, and she shouldn't be used just to justify the continued existence of a plankey actor simply because he's handsome and supposed to be a romantic lead and she's pretty. It's simply using Dean's character as the ultimate symbol of what EastEnders originally was to justify the awful Brannings as what it's become - a gaggle of loud-mouthed, gobby chav women and men who sleaze about and who can't keep their dicks in their pants. And mark me, there's no bigger male slut on the Square than Jack Branning.
Sharon should go get tested. Immediately. And Jack should go visit one of his several children dotted about the Continent.
The last scene was positively pukeworthy. No chemistry whatsoever, and Scott Maslen's cultivating a nice turkey neck.
Whilst we're on the subject of Sharon, her character still works best with the the characters she knows best - Ian and Phil. Her scenes tonight with Ian were just so natural and flowed really well. I'm not buying into the Sharon-the-Lost-Soul bit, but I suppose she's still grieving Dennis-the-Plot-Device. Yes, she loved him; but the viewers all know that Dennis was weak, and she was the one who carried that relationship. Had they lasted, eventually she would have tired of him and vice versa. Sharon likes equality in a relationship, and she's only ever found her equal in Phil ... and vice versa.
As for DamienDen ... my constitution is having coniption fits at the thought that very soon, Harry Hickles will be joined on screen by the amazingly obnoxious Maisie Smith. Denny meets Tiffany. Not one, but two amazingly obnoxious drama school kids. All we need now is for R Leanne to visit from Wetherfield and bring Simon down to play.
I'd want to cut my throat.
The kid needs a haircut, and FFS, she speaks to him as though he's a three year-old. Whoever writes this does not have children.
Jay and the Brannings
I'm 100% sympathetic to Jay's plight, and more than anyone involved with the Heather fiasco, he's showing and has shown remorse and guilt. But that doesn't eliminate the fact that, even though he was bullied by Phil to stay onside, Jay, himself, admitted that part of the reason he covered the crime was his devotion to Ben and the Mitchells.
I believe he's sincere in what he told Abi, but Abi is very young and confused by everything that had happened, as much as Jay is. Viewers know he did, indeed, try to stop Ben, but things happened so fast that intervention was impossible.
What was the height of hypocrisy was chavvy Tanya and chavvy Cora decreeing that Jay should stay away from Abi, that she was better than he. I wonder what Abi would make of the fact that not only did her sister attempt to kill their father, her mother did also - as well as killing her own. Tanya has no right to take the moral high ground with Jay. As well as suffering from a distinct lack of tact in tonight's episode.
(Big hint: her remark about Cora's firstborn means Ava's on her way.)
Janine and the Brannings
Janine, apart from Jay, is still the most sympathetic character on the programme. She's easily suffering from PND and the pressure of dealing with a young baby for the first time. She's also still reeling, I think, from a lot of the treatment she got in the run up to her wedding - specifically, the incident with Jean and the threat by Cora, who was bloody awful tonight.
Tanya was actually quite likeable when she helped Janine and reminisced about how hard it was to deal with Lauren and how Max got the easy end of the deal. But she didn't need to reveal her suspicions about Max having an affair when she was dealing with Abi. That set Janine's insecurities off once again. And Michael is bloody annoying in this instance, almost treating Janine badly in a deliberate way, as he's such a control freak.
FFS, if he'd bought a necklace "as an investment" for their child, why the hell didn't he show Janine? What was the purpose of hiding it like that? I feel for her deeply. What was totally incongruous to this scene was Tanya's presence, especially after she was bitchy to Janine, as well, duringn her pregnancy.
Katshit and the Brannings
Well, we almost know that Derek is the shagger. And we saw an excellent example of Kat's spousal abuse tonight as she threw her shoes at Alfie because he was busy and couldn't take her out, as he'd promised.
Her compassion to Shirley's plight was short too. All she's worried about is seeing the fat porker who's porking her. Slut.
Really, if Lorraine Newman wants to make her mark, her first task should be to thin out the Brannnigs. Her second task should be to thin out the Hollyoaks contingent.
I love your reviews and general thoughts! I, too, post on DS, albeit it under a different name (I gave up trying to 'reason' with Mona about Phil and Shirley!) but not often - I'm more of a lurker, a despairer of how seriously some of them take it all! I'm not a fequent enough visitor to DS to know who you are on there (guessing that, like myself, you do not post on DS under the same name as you write your blogs) although recently you do seem to have set a certain amount of fur flying! Keep up the good work, I say. I did post a comment to one of your other blogs, but it didnt' post. Hopefully this one will - you deserve a little credit"
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