Everything I hated about Eastenders reared its ugly head tonight. The writing was whiffy, the sitcom scenes were pukeworthy and Katshit was back smelling up the place. Still, I watched it, and that says something; because there were some good things to recognise - along with bad things and ugly things as well.
Here goes.
The Good
Surprisingly, Tanya - whom I normally disdain - and Shirley. I flipping love Shirley when she's like she is in the last scene tonight. Instead of the awkward, whispery Brannings tiptoeing about Ian as if walking on eggshells, speaking about him in his presence as if he weren't there. Shirley, unexpectedly lumbered with Ian staying in the Mitchell house, and unaware of the motives behind which Phil brought him there, sits down and starts speaking normally. Of course, it's a soliloquy, but she carries on as if she's in a confessional too, speaking to Ian as if she expects him to respond. Of course, as well, she's astute enough to notice the almost imperceptible change that comes over his features when she mentions the words "Heather" and "murder."
As much as anyone might dislike the Mitchells, and there's every reason to dislike them at this moment in time, they're bloody watchable and they carry this show. I detest Ben - but then, one is supposed to detest a cold-blooded, narcissistic, self-obsessed psychopath or sociopath or whatever the hell he is. I was positively creeped out when Ben reminded Ian that although Lucy wasn't glad that he was back on the scene, Ben sure was glad to see Ian. Like hell, he was.
It was almost comical the way Phil bundled him across the Square to Chateau Mitchell solely for the purpose of keeping Ian away from any sort of medical or psychiatric help, for fear of him remembering what Ben confessed and talking. Actually, in this instance, Max was right to want Ian to seek help. He needs not only psychiatric attention, but medical attention as well for other obvious ailments which are results of living rough. The Branning household isn't the place for Ian to be and to recover, and Tanya's brainfart moment came when she refused to listen to Max because Ian being hospitalised may mean Ian being put on a mental ward.
Hello? Is she a trained shrink?
However, she had her good points today and those were when she twigged from Lauren one of the possible reasons Lucy is avoiding Ian; so off Tanya heads to the Walford Branch of the Mouth-Breathers Society.
Kudos to Tanya for perceiving that that vicious, snide and stupid little rag, bone and hank of hair has fallen under the sway of The Branning Tadpole. Lucy is one of the stupidest characters, arguably the stupidest in a gaggle of one of the most unlikeable gang of youthful characters in Eastenders' history.
I am still wanting to know how she's paying bills via cheques on Ian's business account, because she is not a signatory - so she must either be forging signatures or paying cash in hand, which is also illegal. She is so stupid that she'd shack up with a piece of beefcake she hasn't known for more than a couple of weeks and choose him over her father. She is so stupid that she doesn't realise that if she didn't have a house, with no parental authority, businesses which afforded ready cash, that Tadpole wouldn't even sniff at her mangy, skinny, fleshless ass.
Tanya was right. This isn't about Joey, but Joey's got his oar in. He is no Dennis, no righteous hunk - only a better-looking and younger equivalent of his father. I hope it's his sweet sister who finally gets him to see exactly what he is. Not only is this doofus a bad actor, he's a dislikeable character.
As for Ian abandoning Lucy and choosing Mandy over her - and Mandy is no longer around - has that little mangy-assed bitch remembered that Ian put his own marriage to Jane on the line and lied about Lucy's abortion to his wife, after Lucy didn't have the courage or the courtesy to tell Jane she'd changed her mind about having a child for her? Ian's covered up for her poisoning most of Walford by selling fish which was rotten, he's bowed to her whims and let her half-brother back into his home, after Steven had shot Jane. He's always put Lucy first, many times to his own detriment, and this is how she repays him?
Lucy idolises her mother, the mother who abandoned Lucy for a couple of years whilst she was abroad with Peter and Steven after trying to kill Ian. She was just as foolish after a handsome man as Lucy is. She's one of several youngsters I'd love to see bugger off. And the actress is bloody awful too. Her diction is just as bad as David Witts's.
The Bad
Firstly, Lauren wrinkling her nose at Ian, saying he smelled bad. I don't imagine Lauren smelled too great after her week on the booze or whenever she'd crawl out of bed from having slept with some tosser she didn't know. Once again, another spoiled, entitled brat with no sense of compassion. Maybe a spell sleeping rough might mould some character onto her. Lauren isn't a nice person, and she's on Lucy's side.
Rumours are abounding of the Tadpole prick porking Lauren behind Lucy's skinny back. Some friend. But at least, Lauren's now keeping her sexual activity well in the family, like the true trailer trash the Brannings are.
Poor pitiful Anthony Moon. More inconsistent writing. A few weeks ago, one was given to understand that he didn't like Alice because he found her plain and socially gauche. Alice is nice, pleasant, polite, responsible and she isn't plain at all. She deserves better than the family with whom she's been lumbered.
Tonight we were led to believe that Anthony was really scared to approach Alice - whether that was down to Derek or to his own insipidity, I don't know - but Alice does deserve better than that too. Anthony will shortly turn 26 years old. Alice is supposed to be eighteen. What is someone like that doing hanging around with someone who's only just out of school? And as for being socially gauche, Anthony acts like the imbecile.
As well, I wish Eastenders would stop trying to emulate bad sitcom scenes - those scenes at the junk shop between Anthony and Derek were just plain awful. Derek is DelBoy overdosed on steroids. Without the humour. The Moon Goons are just bad.
Kim. Not even funny. And Denise deserves better.
The Ugly
Katshit, Katshit, Katshit, Katshit.
I know TPTB are hinting Ray as the culprit - based on Katshit being surprised that Alfie had returned from his run early. Trust me, it's not Ray. But this football storyline, punctuated with Kat suddenly strutting her slut stuff with her tits half hanging out her variously-coloured bras, a fortysomething woman badly made up and dressed like a cheap whore, sexually inspiring half the men of Walford.
The football banter with the "headmistress" was bad in the extreme. Whoever thought of and agreed to write the Shaggerman Mystery should be taken out and slapped. Then sacked. It's the laughing stock of Eastenders and is actually worse than the Ferreiras' Kidneygate. Do TPTB know how supremely unpopular and how disliked Kat is now? An iconic female character has rutted herself into the viewers' collective memory as the worst sort of slut, and worse than that, a slut most viewers are begging to be axed - but only after her long-suffering and innocent husband finds out, publically humiliates her and kicks her skanky ass out on a windy, rainy night ... and she leaves Walford forever.
Anything less would cheat the viewers and would go against the Eastenders' Code, which Lorraine Newman is supposed to know.
Shaggerman isn't Ray, although much was made of him being given a key to the Vic now; it's not Jack, because we know he's going to be sniffing around a woman who outclasses Katshit in every respect. It's not Max, because Max's problems lie in Manchester. It's not Michael, and that reaction tonight was just a red herring.
Shaggerman will be Derek. If only because someone as vile as Katshit's become deserves a Toad - the sort of toad you kiss, expecting him to turn into a handsome prince, and all she'll get from her endeavours is a bad case of venereal warts.
Here goes.
The Good
Surprisingly, Tanya - whom I normally disdain - and Shirley. I flipping love Shirley when she's like she is in the last scene tonight. Instead of the awkward, whispery Brannings tiptoeing about Ian as if walking on eggshells, speaking about him in his presence as if he weren't there. Shirley, unexpectedly lumbered with Ian staying in the Mitchell house, and unaware of the motives behind which Phil brought him there, sits down and starts speaking normally. Of course, it's a soliloquy, but she carries on as if she's in a confessional too, speaking to Ian as if she expects him to respond. Of course, as well, she's astute enough to notice the almost imperceptible change that comes over his features when she mentions the words "Heather" and "murder."
As much as anyone might dislike the Mitchells, and there's every reason to dislike them at this moment in time, they're bloody watchable and they carry this show. I detest Ben - but then, one is supposed to detest a cold-blooded, narcissistic, self-obsessed psychopath or sociopath or whatever the hell he is. I was positively creeped out when Ben reminded Ian that although Lucy wasn't glad that he was back on the scene, Ben sure was glad to see Ian. Like hell, he was.
It was almost comical the way Phil bundled him across the Square to Chateau Mitchell solely for the purpose of keeping Ian away from any sort of medical or psychiatric help, for fear of him remembering what Ben confessed and talking. Actually, in this instance, Max was right to want Ian to seek help. He needs not only psychiatric attention, but medical attention as well for other obvious ailments which are results of living rough. The Branning household isn't the place for Ian to be and to recover, and Tanya's brainfart moment came when she refused to listen to Max because Ian being hospitalised may mean Ian being put on a mental ward.
Hello? Is she a trained shrink?
However, she had her good points today and those were when she twigged from Lauren one of the possible reasons Lucy is avoiding Ian; so off Tanya heads to the Walford Branch of the Mouth-Breathers Society.
Kudos to Tanya for perceiving that that vicious, snide and stupid little rag, bone and hank of hair has fallen under the sway of The Branning Tadpole. Lucy is one of the stupidest characters, arguably the stupidest in a gaggle of one of the most unlikeable gang of youthful characters in Eastenders' history.
I am still wanting to know how she's paying bills via cheques on Ian's business account, because she is not a signatory - so she must either be forging signatures or paying cash in hand, which is also illegal. She is so stupid that she'd shack up with a piece of beefcake she hasn't known for more than a couple of weeks and choose him over her father. She is so stupid that she doesn't realise that if she didn't have a house, with no parental authority, businesses which afforded ready cash, that Tadpole wouldn't even sniff at her mangy, skinny, fleshless ass.
Tanya was right. This isn't about Joey, but Joey's got his oar in. He is no Dennis, no righteous hunk - only a better-looking and younger equivalent of his father. I hope it's his sweet sister who finally gets him to see exactly what he is. Not only is this doofus a bad actor, he's a dislikeable character.
As for Ian abandoning Lucy and choosing Mandy over her - and Mandy is no longer around - has that little mangy-assed bitch remembered that Ian put his own marriage to Jane on the line and lied about Lucy's abortion to his wife, after Lucy didn't have the courage or the courtesy to tell Jane she'd changed her mind about having a child for her? Ian's covered up for her poisoning most of Walford by selling fish which was rotten, he's bowed to her whims and let her half-brother back into his home, after Steven had shot Jane. He's always put Lucy first, many times to his own detriment, and this is how she repays him?
Lucy idolises her mother, the mother who abandoned Lucy for a couple of years whilst she was abroad with Peter and Steven after trying to kill Ian. She was just as foolish after a handsome man as Lucy is. She's one of several youngsters I'd love to see bugger off. And the actress is bloody awful too. Her diction is just as bad as David Witts's.
The Bad
Firstly, Lauren wrinkling her nose at Ian, saying he smelled bad. I don't imagine Lauren smelled too great after her week on the booze or whenever she'd crawl out of bed from having slept with some tosser she didn't know. Once again, another spoiled, entitled brat with no sense of compassion. Maybe a spell sleeping rough might mould some character onto her. Lauren isn't a nice person, and she's on Lucy's side.
Rumours are abounding of the Tadpole prick porking Lauren behind Lucy's skinny back. Some friend. But at least, Lauren's now keeping her sexual activity well in the family, like the true trailer trash the Brannings are.
Poor pitiful Anthony Moon. More inconsistent writing. A few weeks ago, one was given to understand that he didn't like Alice because he found her plain and socially gauche. Alice is nice, pleasant, polite, responsible and she isn't plain at all. She deserves better than the family with whom she's been lumbered.
Tonight we were led to believe that Anthony was really scared to approach Alice - whether that was down to Derek or to his own insipidity, I don't know - but Alice does deserve better than that too. Anthony will shortly turn 26 years old. Alice is supposed to be eighteen. What is someone like that doing hanging around with someone who's only just out of school? And as for being socially gauche, Anthony acts like the imbecile.
As well, I wish Eastenders would stop trying to emulate bad sitcom scenes - those scenes at the junk shop between Anthony and Derek were just plain awful. Derek is DelBoy overdosed on steroids. Without the humour. The Moon Goons are just bad.
Kim. Not even funny. And Denise deserves better.
The Ugly
Katshit, Katshit, Katshit, Katshit.
I know TPTB are hinting Ray as the culprit - based on Katshit being surprised that Alfie had returned from his run early. Trust me, it's not Ray. But this football storyline, punctuated with Kat suddenly strutting her slut stuff with her tits half hanging out her variously-coloured bras, a fortysomething woman badly made up and dressed like a cheap whore, sexually inspiring half the men of Walford.
The football banter with the "headmistress" was bad in the extreme. Whoever thought of and agreed to write the Shaggerman Mystery should be taken out and slapped. Then sacked. It's the laughing stock of Eastenders and is actually worse than the Ferreiras' Kidneygate. Do TPTB know how supremely unpopular and how disliked Kat is now? An iconic female character has rutted herself into the viewers' collective memory as the worst sort of slut, and worse than that, a slut most viewers are begging to be axed - but only after her long-suffering and innocent husband finds out, publically humiliates her and kicks her skanky ass out on a windy, rainy night ... and she leaves Walford forever.
Anything less would cheat the viewers and would go against the Eastenders' Code, which Lorraine Newman is supposed to know.
Shaggerman isn't Ray, although much was made of him being given a key to the Vic now; it's not Jack, because we know he's going to be sniffing around a woman who outclasses Katshit in every respect. It's not Max, because Max's problems lie in Manchester. It's not Michael, and that reaction tonight was just a red herring.
Shaggerman will be Derek. If only because someone as vile as Katshit's become deserves a Toad - the sort of toad you kiss, expecting him to turn into a handsome prince, and all she'll get from her endeavours is a bad case of venereal warts.
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