This is a tale of two fat ladies. Well, one started out her second stint not being fat, but now she is. One fat lady spent two years from 2010, being written in such a vile, obstructive manner that she became reviled as an abusive bitch and a serial adulterer, a victim of abuse who had become an abuser.
Then a new executive producer took over, and - lo and behold! - the bitch underwent an immediate epiphany. 2013 has seen this fat lady thrust down our throats as her redemption is chronicled. She's become a friend of the friendless, selfless in her devotion to other people and mindful of the feelings of others. She may bully two defenceless people for doing their jobs, but we're supposed to find one of them a bore and the other one a non-entity, so it's ok to laugh at that.
The other fat lady came back last year, this time for the third time. We've watched this fat lady evolve from chubby teenager to sveltish adult to pre-menopausal Tanya-lite bitch. When this fat lady returned, the same executive producer who saved the bacon for the first fat lady, didn't quite know what to do with this fat lady, so she followed the lead of the head honcho writer and his band of merry millenials, who couldn't really remember what this fat lady was like, so they remade her in Tanya's image and plopped her amongst the Brannings, hoping for the best.
She, too, is written abysmally, when she was once an icon of icons amongst EastEnders' fans. She's given an appallingly bad son, and has been turned into the worst kind of sniping, surlish, snobby bitch.
Well, there's hope, some say, because the new executive producer is an avowed fan. So maybe he'll redeem an iconic character, which the brand, itself, destroyed. But maybe he won't.
Because his own creation, his very own Ice Queen, botoxed beyond belief, hair lightened and as entitled as any of the current cast, returns on Monday; and this EP cares more about her than the original. The first fat lady, against whom the Ice Queen committed an unpardonable crime, is even set to be the Ice Queen's friend.
But then, this is EastEnders 2.0, where everyone is beautiful but unlikeable, and people over forty, especially certain women, don't count.
Thursday's episode could have been much, much better. The good scenes were brief, few and far between, whilst other scenes were unbelieveably bad to the point of being embarrassing.
Ye Mitchells ... An Embarrassment of Riches ... What a Waste.
The one good thing about tonight's episode was how the accident and news of the accident spread through the Square and how its effects affected the various families concerned - the Mitchells (of course), the Brannings, the Beales and the Moons and all their various satellites.
The bad thing was seeing the current crop of Mitchells for what they are: piss-poor runts of the litter, cobbled together and serving no purpose but to keep the name running.
There's no Peggy, there's no Grant. There's no Sam, for goodness sakes! Instead, we have Phil, at the head of the two runts - Billy and Roxy; the kid who, until a couple of years ago, didn't know she was a Mitchell (Lola), and two ex-faux Mitchells (Shirley and Jay).
I'm sorry to disappoint all the Sharon-haters on Digital Spy, most of whom seem to be disgruntled, bitter old boy bitches of the Celtic persuasion, steeped in Ronnie-love, but the Mitchells were created for Sharon. Without her, there would be no such family, and because of this, she's forever destined to have an association with them. The fact that Louise Berridge and Kate Harwood pandered to the only demographic giving their thumbs up to the cack-handed version of EastEnders they offered (the Shannisites) and, thus, created a Walford of beautiful people and the fact that Berridge totally removed Sharon from the Mitchell equation and entangled her in a quasi-incestuous relationship with her brother is neither here nor there.
The Shannisites were and are as insipid in their own right as the blithering idiots who set up a Ronielle shrine outside Elstree.
The fact that Sharon is the last inhabitant of Walford to know about Phil's accident and the fact that she finds out from the bitter and twisted old troll who's trying to scam Phil's money is a disgusting fact. Sharon should have high-arsed it to the hospital pronto, been in the centre of the action and rallied the Mitchells. Furthermore, Rob Gittins, a person who's written for the show since 1986, should have known to put her there. Maybe he did know; the sad fact is that these writers have to take their cues from the storyliners, and the storyliners are all lining up bigger and better things for the return of the non-native, who is the Ice Queen.
And thus, Sharon is sidelined.
But anyway, Phil's gone through the windscreen of a classic BMW, in a scene filmed in North London, which suddenly seems to be located in East London, within spitting distance of the O2 Arena. Go figure that one.
The million quid of licence fee money that went on this stunt was money wasted, quite honestly. We saw Daniel Coonan, usually a decent actor, showing obviously faux concern about Phil Mitchell. (Pssssst, he was wanting the medics to say Phil had died). Later, we saw more faux concern, when Ian Beale, almost wet his trousers upon hearing that Phil and Carl were involved in an accident and were hurt.
That Ian was more concerned about the state of Carl than that of Phil was, indeed, questionable. Carl is a new soul in Walford, and one might be forgiven for thinking Ian fancied him, so intense was Ian's concern. (Psssst, he was wanting someone to say that Carl had died, so Ian wouldn't be bullied into paying him any more money.)
So Phil is whisked away in the air ambulance, with a few assorted cuts across his head, for emergency surgery.
Surgery on what?
Phil lost his spleen (figuratively and literally) at the end of Sharongate, when Grant dumped him in the pit. He's been shot. He's been flung in the river in a car with Grant. He's had a heart attack, for fuck's sake. Why go to theatre?
We'll never find out. Allegedly, he's in a coma, but he's out of the woods on Monday. In Corrie, Nick Tilsley's been comatose - literally - for almost a month now.
The delivery of the news of Phil's bad luck made for some of the worst scenes in the episode. Billy's Paul Revere moment included Lola, Roxy and Shirley and Jay.
Shirley? Billy didn't think to seek out Sharon? Sharon is the once and should-be-future Mitchell. She has history with Phil going back 20 years, and Billy tells people who haven't known Phil long enough to smell a curry-laden fart.
Then, there was the laughable scene of the "fairmly" gathering to wait for some sort of transport (Alfie's car) and ruminating on Phil's condition.
'E's no spring chicken.
(That was said several times. Who doesn't realise that Phil is in his fifties? What is EastEnders trying to do, say that long-term viewers are irrelevant?)
Danielle Harold's awful attempt at showing concern about Phil - crying (with no tears) at the thought of Lexi not knowing her grandad) - was embarrassing, especially since she's one of the strongest young actors on the show. Roxy's pathetic clinging to Alfie, even though she's not yet thought to tell him that her sister will be released from prison on Monday.
But that wasn't nearly as bad as the butt-clinchingly awful hospital scene of a po-faced Roxy, a serious Billy and a sulking Lola, waiting in silence for Phil to come out of surgery. I laughed out loud when they stood up in unison and all three clenched hands as the gurney with an unconscious Phil was wheeled by.
Touching, it was not.
Ah well, it's obvious that they're saving the best for their star when she returns next week,and The Branning Show morphs suddenly into The Ronnie Show.
The Brannings ... Just an Embarrassment ... Reasons to Be Cheerful.
Of course, all this is played out against the backdrop of another Branning family gathering - Jack's birthday. Max is there, playing it large for all to see, and Kirsty and ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
... along with Flabbi the Dough-Faced Girl, Jay, and Dexter (why?). Carol was there and Bianca, but no Joey or Alice or Dot. So it was a half-arsed Branning affair, the purpose of which was revealed at the end of the episode. In other words, it was a contrived incident, because when have we ever celebrated Jack's birthday before?
On the one hand, for Jack's benefit, this was to set him up as cossetted in the bosom of his family, as an emotional defence against the return of the Ice Queen, who's got him wrapped around her professionally manicured little finger. On the other hand, for Max's benefit, it showed how utterly charmless, self-obsessed and entitled the Brannings are.
Max's toast: To the Brannings, it hasn't been a stellar year, and we're bound to hit a few bumps and snags in the future, but we're here.
Yes, and there are too many of you.
And even though Lauren's action was minimal, the Go-To Girl made "minimal" an overt accessory. Apart from strutting his stuff amongst the faceless and nameless extras who populate the Vic these days, Max's insistence that the party (and the show) go on in light of Phil's accident, which involved Carl, was crass, as was his confrontation with his wife. Kirsty may be his wife, but she does have a past with Carl and that means something too her. Without loving the man, she still feels concern about him when he's been hurt, and it must have hit home to her that this would have been her wedding anniversary.
The fact that this bad, in-your-face performance was played out against the backdrop of Lola, scowling at Jay and accusing him of cheating on Abi was insignificant.
Jamie Borthwick was bad tonight. "Bad" as in "he stank". What's happened to this young talent? Is he a one-trick pony? He does the hard-boy scenes well, and can hold his own with the likes of Steve McFadden and Perry Fenwick, but why can't he not seem believable in this instance?
Possibly because Borthwick, like Scott Maslen, isn't a romantic actor. Possibly, he should leave the doe-eyed Flabbi behind. (Speaking of eyes, Borthwick has Neanderthal eyes; hardly the stuff of romance). That a kid like Jay would even be so starstruck over such a shallow, immature and insipid little girl like Flabbi is risible.
And at the high point of the evening, when Max is just about to make his big brotherly speech, after he's given avuncular advice to a niece whom, like her other uncle Ian, he barey acknowledges, up pops the Old Bill to read him his rights and arrest him.
The strippers are 'ere.
Yes, Max, to take you off to be strip-searched. How's that hand up your arse?
The Newman Negroes and One Fat Lady.
Has Ava been demoted? In her former life, when she was only supposed to be a temporary five-episode character, she was a Deputy Headteacher. Now, she seems to be the lowly classroom sort, one who taught nine year-olds last year and who now teaches seven year-olds.
A classroom teacher with days off to grade papers and who sets out across the Square in the morning, but forgets she has to go to work? Instead, she's having a cafe feast with Sam the Sham.
There's an unnecessary and frankly unbelieveable scene that occurs between her and Sharon, where Sharon accuses Ava of picking on Dennis because of his spelling errors. Ava's defence is that she doesn't get paid to discriminate, but later she mentions to Sam that Dennis is an awful little bully.
Well, that may very well be true, but inviting Sharon to sit in on the classroom as well is stupid, because, of course, both Dennis and Ava would be playing a part that day.
Look, I'm no fan of Dennis. I hate the kid, and the prissy, pissy little actor who plays him is rank. But the truth is this: Sharon, in her first stint on the show, thought little about motherhood. After they married, that's all Grant talked about, having a child. Sharon reiterated, time and again, she wasn't ready; in fact, the Vic was her baby. So much so that that was part of the reason they rowed so much and eventually grew apart.
During her second stint, when Phil proposed marriage and was willing to adopt, she refused outright, saying she didn't want to put an adopted child through what she suffered. When she did fall pregnant, she left the show.
Unlike Bianca, unlike Kat, even, we never saw Sharon pregnant or with an infant. She's sprung upon us now with a child, who's more circus freakshow coupled with terrible stage school kid, and with whom she has no natural chemistry. Dennis is part of what's bringing Sharon down.
On the other hand, Ava needs to get past how obnoxious Sharon is as a parent and look at her circumstance: She's a single mother, living with her child in the B and B; the child has no male role model, and she has no extensive back-up of emotional support in the shape of relatives, friends etc.
Her closest friend is caught up with his own children, his girlfriend and his businesses. Another old friend offers words of wisdom but little else. Sharon has Dennis, and Dennis has Sharon. It's the sort of parent-child cohesive that becomes co-dependent and sick. But Ava won't see that side of it, because she dislikes Dennis.
Teachers are human. There are kids they like better than others, and kids that they dislike; but usually on a show like EastEnders, SuperAva would try to look inside the unpleasant child's psyche and see what's causing him to act out, and support the parent. No, her first instinct is to label the child a bully and throw in the towel, hope that Sharon takes the child out of school and rids her of a kid who, maybe could use a little insight and guidance.
Yes, Sharon was a bitch, approaching a teacher in public like that and being overly-assertive; but Ava was unprofessional too and far too dismissive.
Maybe the Magic Negro isn't so magic after all.
New Boots and Panties: Phil's Song for Shirley and Sharon.
Shirley's not being at all philanthropic when she offers to look after Lexi whilst Lola visits Phil. She's being Phil-an-phobic, because she wants to enter the house (Lola must have had some keys in her bag), in order to nick money she reckons is hers.
But that's after she inadvertantly tells Sharon that Phil's been in an accident, and it's Sharon who thwarts her from entering the house, because she's aching for news about Phil. In that one short scene with Shirley, we saw more of the old Sharon in those five seconds than we've seen in the whole year.
Yet that was only a minimal trace. And suddenly, it seems that Sharon and Shirley bond over the man they both love. Is this the beginning of this generation's Pat and Peggy? Who knows? One thing for certain is that they'll both play second fiddle to the Ice Queen.
The Holy Sainted Fat Lady.
Kat is the saint to all things and everyone. Tonight, she's the guardian angel of Jean's best interests.
Jean is pfaffing again. She's made enough food for Max's last-minute shindig to feel Darfur, and Kat encourages her to relax, with what appears to be a large gin-and-tonic. (Jean's on medication; should she even be drinking?)
Of course, Jean's still grieving over her lost chance with Ollie, whom Kat later confronts. For some reason, Kat's under the impression that Ollie dumped Jean, but it's the other way around, as Ollie asserts. He even inadvertanty lets slip the fact that Jean revealed that Alfie was still in love with Kat and how they were meant to be together.
Once again, we see as much in the brief look on Kat's face as we do in that brief look on Sharon's. Now Kat's hopeful, but not so hopeful for Jean and Ollie.
Some people thought this was amongst the best scenes in the show. I thought it flat as a pancake, but then, I find the hard-sell redemption of Kat over the past year, whilst a truly iconic character like Sharon was left to stagnate and fester an insult to my intelligence.
Still, EastEnders isn't playing to intelligence anymore. I wonder how many of the actors realise that?
If at First You Don't Succeed ... Have a Six-Week Break to Be with the Kids.
Bianca's contemplating fashion college .... again. This is the one where she shagged Dan Sullivan behind her mother's back and broke up her own marriage, and this is the same one from which she flunked, dumping toddler Liam on Ricky.
Bianca draws good stick figures, but how does Kat reckon their stall will profit from Bianca's designs? That was the sole reason she was kicked out before - lack of talent. Anyone can draw a stick lady.
The laughable part about this segment tonight was Bianca whingeing on about how she couldn't do this six-week course because of 'er kids and 'er stall, and Carol brought a belly-laugh out of me when she ticked Bianca off for always putting everyone else first.
WTF?
Liam's truancy was all about Bianca not wanting to go back to prison. His gang storyline was all about Bianca. Her moaning, after having vandalised Ian's restaurant was all about Bianca. Every action she undertakes, every wanton criminal or bullying action she takes ends in a welter of whining that's all about Bianca.
And in those instances, Carol hasn't been too good to tell her to stop thinking about herself and put the kids first. Now she's singing from another hymnal?
Shit, Patsy Palmer just wanted the school holidays off. We didn't need such contrivances. Just don't show her skinny, ginger arse. She won't be missed.
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