Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Ratfuckers - Review: 18.10.2013

Someone posed a question recently on Digital Spy:-

What if DTC fails?

Unthinkable to some, and he's sworn to mend the show, but there's no guarantee he will. As Emmerdale goes from strength to strength, EastEnders is now firmly entrenched as the third-ranking primetime soap in the UK.

Not even the fact that the cleverly contrived Inside Soap awards (the magazine has always been skewed towards EastEnders) can belie the fact that people have abandoned the programme, and they aren't coming back. The fact that three of the most unpopular characters on the programme won gongs at this awards' ceremony was highly suspicious.

There is no way the pathetic Kim is funnier than Mary on Coronation Street, and few people like Dexter. Apart from the Roma family of GurnGirl Jossa, a few demented fangirls, her thuggish cousin in the MillWall Lioness strip and horny adolescent boys, I can't think of anyone who would consider ...


a better actress than the experienced and highly accomplished Julie Hesmondhaigh and Lesley Dunlop.

This so-called actress and any part of her following are emblematic of everything shallow that's allowed to determine the mores of the British Isles.

One DS commentator stated a bald truth: If DTC fails, if the viewers don't come back to see the potbellied cubit zirconia geezer Danny DIRE running the pub, the irrevocable chavification of the Square courtesy of Bianca's growing family, the darker side of the blonde Michael Jackson-masked Mitchell threatening the Moons for breaking her dumbass sister's heart; if he can't do more than paper the cracks, then the show is on a hiding to nothing.

And it deserves its third place. Emmerdale breaks 8 million. Corrie's pushing ten. EastEnders barely breaks 7 million.

As someone else said, many disaffected EastEnders' viewers have discovered new soaps. Soon, the only ones left watching EastEnders will be the Walford Web bullybois and gibbering idiots like xTonix.

I smell the stench of Brookside.


The late Lee Atwater established the concept of ratfucking - infiltrating an organisation or a body and pretending to be one of the chosen only in order to betray their ideals.

Michael certainly is grooming Alice to be just such a ratfucker. Know ye: psychopaths use sex freely as a means of manipulation. Face it, when a girl is getting what she wants, she might be putty in some psychopath's hands. The woman is usually vulnerable, and Alice certainly is that - dim, dumb and naive.

If Kat weren't so concerned with the state of Alfie's lovelife, then she'd certainly have noticed something amiss in Michael's behaviour toward the dumb Branning bitch. Joey the MonkeyBoy certainly does, and Tamwar, himself, is no fool.

I know most of the numpties on DS and the bullybois on Walford Web dislike Tamwar because he's not a picture of beauty, which might belie his singular lack of personality, but Alice doesn't have much of a personality, herself, and the way she's treating Tamwar, I hope she gets everything next week that she deserves.

Scarlett has chickenpox - which, of course, in Michael's obsessive, psychopathic mind - is all Janine's fault; and Alice, who, last year, didn't even know which end of a baby leaked shit, is convinced that he's right. She doesn't see actually what Joey, the mouthbreathing brother ...

sees - that Michael is stitching Alice up like the proverbial kipper. She's swayed by dreams of running off with him and Scarlett, when what would most likely happen is he'd leave with the child and leave her out in the cold - and not before telling her exactly what he thought of her.

Any intelligent girl would sniff that something isn't quite right with Michael, but then, Alice, with her ill-fitting veneers (they look like dentures), is the fictional embodiment of all those bimbos on DS who want a kiss and/or a fuck with a man like Michael. A psychopath. Few women live to tell the tale.

Janine is the sympathetic figure at the moment. One of the few friends whom she trusts is Billy, but he fails her in being snookered by Alice. I wish she'd told him why she'd sacked Alice and what Michael had actually done to her.

Whenever you see some dumb klutz like Alice unreasonably happy at the end of a vignette, you know something's bound to go wrong.

Roll on, next week. This is the only thing worth watching on the programme at the moment.

The rest is tripe.

Oh Danny Boy.

Well, well ... depth comes at last to Danny Pennant.

Many were wondering what character arc, if any, had been developed for this character, and now we know.

We've known from when he showed up to offer his "services" to Janine, that he was broke. In this episode, we find that he's not only broke, he's homeless and squatting in one of Janine's mangy flats. This is discovered by Lucy Beale and he confesses all to her.

And, thus, we see the rest of his character arc. Pennant is the means by which TPTB move Lucy from the ranks of "yoof" into young adult.

People, EastEnders are scamming your asses.

Too many "yoof?" Here's how accountants move figures around. Joey is leaving, surplus to requirements. Lauren, Lucy and Whitney the Walford Mattress are being moved into the realms of young adults. The first two, like Tiffany Raymond and Natalie Evans before them, are being given relationships with men who are thirtysomethings - one of whom is married. Whitney is being moulded into a "professional".

A "professional" what is up for discussion - the way she was dressed last week, she looked like a dirty stripper dressed as a sadistic teacher for a stag party.

Peter Beale and Lola are the requisite young couple - ne'mind the fact that Lola is the mother of Peter's first cousin.

Tamwar is a non-entity. Fatboy is a joke. Both will blend into the background.

E voila! An entire tranche of "yoof" is dispensed with, leaving the likes of Jay the De-Balled, Abi the Dough-Faced Girl, and Dexter, with whom we are bound to suffer for at least another year, considering people were dumb enough to vote for this drip to win a gong. Add to that list Liam, hairy Cindy the Greek, and the arrivals of Rebecca the Non-Fowler-Maybe-Branning-Satellite-of-Love and at least two of the incoming Carter clan, and the show is still being overrun by teens.

Still, curiously, I like the incipient Danny-Lucy dynamic, because everyone can see a romance on the horizon. Also, at last TPTB in wardrobe are dressing Hetti Bywater properly. Gone are the sleeveless tops and skinny (pun intended) jeans. Instead, she's wearing long sleeves, and full, pleated skirts; and if she hasn't gained a bit of weight already, then her new fashion style makes her appear a bit more physically substantial.

At any rate, I prefer this couple to the gurning, lairy pair known as Lauren and dirty Jake.

The Newman Negroes.

Can they go, please? Like now?

Only in Walford can cancer be treated like a cold, where a sufferer loses no hair and manages to drink and party as well with little more than a sniffle.

And only in Walford does a major transplant become in-and-out surgery. Sam was released after less than a week in hospital, when normally, medical staff would want an organ recipient to remain in hospital for at least a fortnight to monitor the transplant for any signs of rejection and to acquaint the patient with his lifestyle changes his transplant would incur - including a cocktail of drugs to be taken orally daily for the rest of his life to ward off tissue rejection. And that wouldn't mean lolling about a pub drinking. That shit is stuff of the past.

In Thursday's episode, Sam was strutting and striding about the hospital as if he'd only had a verruca removed. By Friday, he was holding his front (kidneys are located to the rear of your back) and indulging Ava in yet another day off from school.

One would be forgiven for thinking that Dexter was the organ recipient, the way he was huddled on the couch under his "blankie" whilst Ava the Magic Negro tried unsuccessfully to weave her magic spell.

They can't leave quick enough, nor can the ludicrous Famous Four (of Five) "yoof group" who happened to barge in - the usual crew: Peter, who looks increasingly embarrassed to be associated with such shit, Lola, who makes the best of a bad situation, Abi the Dough-Faced Girl and Jay the Walking Non-Entity. Jay's got to do Dexter's work as well as his own - that means, he has to bring two teas from the caff instead of one.

What a Load of Rubbish.

Totally Bingate. 

From the rat, scurrying through the street to Kim scurrying away from her neglect to contact the council about the bin collections. 

Refresh my memory ... why is this Kim's responsibility?

The storyline is simply a vehicle to integrate Sadie into the community, to have her bond over a drink with Cora the Drunken Old Trout, a Bible Verse from Dot and some expert squirming from Denise, who desperately wants to defend her feckless sister's irresponsibility, but at the same time remembering that her partner's businesses are defined by good hygiene.

This is also a vehicle to get Kat back into the pub long enough to realise how desperately she still loves Alfie - and that's sad.

For all the Alfie-hatred existing in the swampland known as Digital Spy, the Moons were a good couple, and we never caught the measure of them during their original tenure in the Vic, owing to Wallace being absent for suspensions and pregnancy leave and TPTB removing the Moons from the pub in order to give Den the right to be killed there. Then the Mitchells were re-instated.

The 2010 Moons, like 2012 Sharon, were strangers to the Square, figments of the demented imaginations of an egocentric EP and a head writer determined to Branningise an original icon. Newman redeemed Kat at the expense of a lot of other characters; let's see if DTC has balls enough to give us back our Sharon. I think not, sadly. More Mitchell hard tits and arse and psychopathy. Lots of sick psychopathy.

Tripey episode.

Emmerdale and Coronation Street deserve all their accolades.


  1. Welcome back and I hope you're feeling okay tonight! I figured you'd have a thing or two to say about Jossa's award. Keep up the good work!

    1. She has a large family, as do many of the Roma creed. Hers just stopped traveling, but kept on thieving.

  2. DTC has said that Sharon is his favourite character so we can keep our fingers crossed. Sadly we won't see her back in her rightful place while Danny Dire plays at being landlord.

  3. At least while Jossa is earning, her pikey family won't have the need to steal & trade anymore little blonde kids.