Monday, October 14, 2013

Relatively Speaking - Review: 14.10.2013

Tonight's episode was a BOGOF ... Buy One Get One Free. Two psychopaths for the price of one.

The fact that so many viewers so wantonly defend the likes of Ronnie Mitchell and Michael Moon, irrespective of what they've done or what they're doing, is indicative of the singular lack of critical thinking ability, bordering on a distinctive lack of common sense.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the target audience of EastEnders 2.0. Dumbed down. Retconned. And pretty. Always pretty.

Tonight's episode - the Janine storyline apart - was a shower.

Let's have the EastEnders' anthem ...

Love Wars.

Let's say it with feeling: Michael's a psychopath, and Alice is ripe for the picking. Actually, Michael has moved on from Janine now. He knows that he can't undermine her anymore with words or suggestive phrases. She knows how he works, and she's familiar with his tactics. She's right to want Scarlett to have nothing to do with this man. He's a psychopath, the most dangerous type of person to have responsibility of a child.

Let me repeat once more, with emphasis: Michael punches down. He targets women who are vulnerable.

In this instance, that's dippy Alice, who is nothing more than a silly girl inexperienced with life. The fact that Michael is old enough to be her father tells me that Alice has a daddy complex like most of the Square. She never knew her father until she was grown, and refused to believe anyone's stories about what a terrible person Derek was. She had a schoolgirl crush on Michael, and - like the psychopath he is - Michael perceived her innocence and took advantage of this in order to get her onside in his machinations in order to flummox Janine and get custody of Scarlett. 

Knowing she's attracted to him, Michael sleeps with her. Then dumps her the next day. This is all part of an intricate plan - treat'em mean and keep'em keen. And that's just what has happened with Alice. Even now, Alice is wary of Michael using her, and he ups the level of manipulation, telling Alice what happens to be her wildest dream: This is all she needs to hear - that the object of all this for Michael, Alice and Scarlett to live together as a family.

Michael: Alice, you're my emissary.

Make no mistake. Michael is grooming this incredibly stupid girl, and she's naive enough to believe this. Alice actually makes me sick, with her ill-fitting veneers, her lying to Tamwar and supercilious little smirking smile, thinking that as she's slept twice with a man old enough to be her father, she's got the wisdom of the world on her shoulders.

The ace of all scenes was the one between her and Janine, when she thought herself so superior to Michael's wife that she had to put the boot in and tell Janine that Michael was a good person (he's not), that he was a good father (never) and that she understands him far better than Janine.

Of course, he's not a good person. If Jean were around, she'd tell her that. Janinen should tell her what went on in the wake of Scarlett's birth last year. As for being a good father, Alice is so blinded to Michael she doesn't realise that she had Alice most of the time whilst Michael did nothing and only returned the child to him when she was asleep. Clock Kat's brief but knowing reaction to Alice in her jimjams talking to Michael. She's been one of Michael's victims, herself, and she knows.

But one other thing about Alice ... she isn't very clever at all, even though she might think she is. So whilst she's gloating about her superior knowledge and understanding of Michael to his wife, who recognises exactly what Michael is doing, she reveals her own Achilles heel.

Janine tells Alice the truth, what Michael actually thinks of Alice - that she's rather pathetic and naive, but he'll use her for his goal, which is to get Scarlett, Alice triumphantly reveals that Michael had slept with her. And no one would ever sleep with someone whom they thought was pathetic?

Janine is anything but stupid, and Alice's conduct is unprofessional and could be construed as gross misconduct. Janine had every right to sack the stupid girl.

Another revelation in this storyline is how much of a liar Alice has become. First, she lies to Tamwar, when she really owes him honesty. He's done nothing wrong. Then she lies to Janine. She was referring to having slept with Michael the night before and was high on that. She'd never have admitted any of this, after her first encounter with him. And thirdly, she lies to Michael - but that's from fear. After all, Michael cooed to her to keep their relatiionship a secret. Admitting what she'd done would be a betrayal of his confidence. But she has to admit to him that she lost her job - and, assuming the victim mode, evil Janine is at fault; but we know that Michael knows exactly who's at fault. The peace offering of the silly flower told him everything he needed to know - that Alice had fucked up.

His reaction after he'd sent her away to have her time (which meant running a bath for him) was classic psychopath - given to bursts of violence.

This will all have an ugly end.

Who's Zooming Who? The Rehabilitation of the Walking Nostril.

Another psychopath trolls the streets of Walford, and she inspires all sorts of fangirl evil threats.

Yes, Ronnie's back with Jack, another one of her obsessions. She's moved right back in with him, probably seeking to distract him from at least two of his other children, in the hopes of creating one to replace the child who died and whom she dumped.

Ronnie isn't a happy bunny. Like Michael, she's lost control of one situation - Roxy. Roxy's on holiday with Alfie, away from Ronnie's sinister influence. And Jack realises this, so he does what every Branning does in a drastic situation ... He organises a family get-together. A peace offering from the Brannings to the Mitchells, the latter of whom think Max tried to kill Phil.

I've lost track of the number of Branning get-togethers we've had this year, but this one - complete with hotel pastry offerings, was an epic fail. Besides the fact that only the younger version of the Walford bratpack -comprised of the younger Branning daughter, a faux Mitchell, someone who didn't know she was a Mitchell until a couple of years ago, Ian Beale's son, who's Ben Mitchell's older nephew, and Billy Mitchell, Phil showed up to pass judgement on Ronnie, yet again, cosying up to a Branning. 

Throughout her tenure last time, this was Phil's singular bugbear.

At least they were consistent. When Phil accused Jack of dumping PlasticFace, she admitted that she dumped him. Why on earth she ever divorced him is beyond me, especially since she never showed any interest in him until she heard he was about to marry another woman. Of course, all of Ronnie's objects of obsession have to worship at the altar of Saint Ronnie.

I also lost track of the number of times the word "family" was used in this instance. Jack's celebrating Ronnie moving in with him again, and Carol can't be arsed to come. Considering the reaction of Carol's grandchildren to Ronnie's presence in the Square, I'm betting Carol wouldn't have come even if she hadn't arranged for a couple of weeks away in romantic Birmingham with Masood.

Dot was visiting Jim tactfully.

The youngsters wanted to get to the hospital to see their mate. They were just there for the grub. The other purpose of this entire scene was yet another cack-handed attempt to trivialise the babyswap storyline and to demonise Alfie as the bad guy of the piece, with Lola's blatant epiphany in leaving Lexi with the babysnatcher.

Where's Ronnie's probation officer? Everyone from Alfie Moon to Derek Branning to Bianca, who's come out of prison, has been visited by a probation officer, but not Ronnie. I guess her shit doesn't smell.

Someone's Going Nowhere.

As much as TPTB want to retcon this relationship as love's young dream amongst the ruins, I don't think David loves Carol. She's convenient, and they have a bond in Bianca; but he's looking for a rent-free base from which to operate.

David Wicks doesn't do commitment, and sooner, rather than later, he'll let his children and his grandchildren down.

Still, Michael French, like Charlie Brooks, is eminently watchable.

I don't buy Carol and Masood, simply because Masood, for all his suddenly acquired progressive views, wouldn't associate with a woman like Carol anymore than Tamwar would Alice, much less the sex on tap. So Syed is incapable of looking after his daughter on his own and needs his father's help? Pull the other one.

The Newman Negroes' Amateur Hour.

This stank. It really stank. Clare Perkins, Cornell S John and Khali Best stank up the place. Best is one of two actors who can botch up a scene where he's comatose. The other actor is Tony Discipline.

All this noble sincerity from Sam - again trying to be Billy Dee Williams and failing ...

Couple this with the fact that Jay, Abi, Lola and a curiously puerile Peter, came trooping into the hospital acting like a bad impersonation of the Famous Five minus One, and this was a seriousky stinkfest of a scene. Another incongruity was Cora imposing herself on a dynamic to which she has no right. Ava is not her daughter and she is not her mother. Cora gave birth to Ava and gave her away. Matters not the reason, but Ava's parents, the people who emotionally, psychologically and physically sustained her all her live should be included in this.

I'm actually amazed that Sam was sitting up in bed, coherent and cognizant after something as serious as a transplant, but Dexter was out of it.

There were complications.

What, exactly? Sam was in the more serious danger because the first 24 hours of a transplant is the time when the body tries to reject the foreign organ, no matter how close the tissue and blood match.

How trite was the scene when the "mates" arrived and Dexter miraculously awoke.

The Hartmans are putrid, as is the old hag hanging onto their departing coattails. They should all leave, including the old trout and Dexter FishBreath.

FatBoy and Poopy.

In a week where Liz McDonald returns to Corrie, Hayley asserts her right to die, and Cameron puts the Woopack under siege in Emmerdale, Fatboy's in charge of the Vic, there's a Miss Teen Vic pageant and Poopy reunites with him, for all her shallow feminist claptrap.

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