To paraphrase Dickens, it was the best of times ...
It was the worst of times ... well, I could give you some example clips, but I don't want you to bring your dinners up. Suffice it to say, 95 per cent of the shit we've been dished this year, including tonight's godawful episode.
Kat's been totally decimated. In fact, in a poll done on Digital Spy today, Sharon and Kat were voted the two most disliked characters on the programme at the moment. Howzat,Lorraine? Between you and Bryan Kirkwood, you've managed to destroy systematically the characters of two of the most iconic females in the history of the show. You should be proud of yourselves.
We're still waiting to know why Kat fooled around and fell in love with Derek, but didn't. We're still waiting for this wondrous journey of self-discovery on which she's about to embark. All we've seen her do so far is fuck a psychopath and bully Tamwar. Bianca is still vile, insistint that everyone help her feckless son, the progeny of her feckless parenting. She's the female village idiot to Billy's ever-present male one. The Masoods have descended into Men Behaving Badly. Denise openly talks about Admiral Beale's nookie technique, we have a full house of inexperienced young male actors who are totally and utterly unintelligible, ingenue females who are talented and wasted (Jasmyn Banks), phoning it in (Lorna Fitzgerald) and the absolute worst actress ever on the show (Jacqueline Jossa - the worse she gets, the more she vainly tries to look like Jennifer Lawrence, as if looks would win her an Oscar). The show is looking more and more like a drag show in South Beach, Florida, with Fat Barbie, Cora the Bora, Kim and Ava the Rava.
Tonight's show was a total waste of thirty minutes. Totally. Utterly. Irredeemably. I can't help but wonder if the actors, themselves (the more experienced ones), don't wonder that their professional integrity is being regularly compromised ... or maybe they just like their inflated salaries, paid on the public's remit.
Tonight, in BranningVille, we had to suffer, yet again, an intolerable stag and hen night, for a couple with no chemistry, who can barely contain the fact that neither of them want to be married to the other.
I mean, did we ever believe the instantaneous chemistry of Jack and Sharon? No.
Did we long-term viewers, the ones who knew Sharon in the 80s and 90s ever believe she would jump into bed with a man she'd only met two hours before, after fleeing a wedding to another man? No. Sharon doesn't do one night stands, and she doesn't do sex with strangers.
Did we ever think she'd suck Tanya's fat arse in friendship and become an abject, shit-stirring bitch when it came to dealing with Kirsty? No.
We've heard her refer to Tanya as her "best mate," but have we heard her refer to her best mate from childhood, Sharon, or, indeed, her own sister, Vicky? Never. Not since returning this time.
As someone appropriately stated on Digital Spy, this is a Sharon in name only, a totally new character with traits, habits and attitudes totally alien to the old Sharon, whom more than many viewers recognise, but can't reconcile this behaviour etc in this new Sharon. Because this is a Sharon tailor-made by Simon Ashdown to fit snugly into his own Branning universe.
Someone else pointed out on DS, that although Ashdown is a brilliant writer, he cannot help but insert at least one Branning, mostly Max,in whatever episode he writes. Pat's last episode ceased to be all about the passing of an icon and more about the Brannings, who had little or nothing to do with her when she was alive. So Sharon's return heavily involved the Brannings, and there she's stayed since then.
Look, memo to Lorraine Newman: Cut the crap. We know Sharon was brought back to be with Phil. Stop the damned retconning and rewriting and get on with it. Your plots aren't clever. And as for Alfie and Kat, just get the slut back with Alfie and make her apologise. On her knees. You've sacrificed Roxy at the altar of St Kathleen, and something tells me you're about to sacrifice Janine at the same altar. Grant her a bitch-slap first, for old time's sake.
Then push off, and let someone who knows about EastEnders take over - preferably Tony Jordan or Sarah Phelps.
Jack Has a Secret and So Does Sharon.
Did you ever see a more morose-looking bridegroom? Already he's lying toMiss Piggy his bride. Three guesses where he'd been that afternoon? It's not rocket science to know that he's been to visit Ronnie, which puts a damper not only on his stag night, but on his wedding in general.
As I said, the Brannings are an amoral bunch, especially the men. They compartmentalise sex. When the object of their desire is out of sight, they can get on with the next blonde on the production line; but when their original desire puts in whatever sort of appearance, they get confused and conflicted. Jack wants sleek, lithe, ice queen Ronnie as opposed to Fat Barbie, her Dolly Parton hair, and her fey Lord Fauntleroy son. It's the difference between a woman and a drag queen, really.
Sharon, on the other hand, is doing an equally bad impression of looking forward to her wedding the next day.
(Aside: The phrase "the last night of freedom" took a hammering tonight. Jesus Christ, talk about crackinga walnut with a sledgehammer. Labouring a point is one thing, but this show, increasingly, is pandering to that section of the audience who possess one collective braincell and only see things in black or white. EastEnders is rapidly becoming "the dumb soap.")
Sharon's latest secret comes in the form of a visit from Phil. Now, this is a redux in reverse of a situation that happened some twenty years ago, which became the subject of the infamous tape Michelle and Sharon left running, when Sharon confessed to Michelle that she sneaked around to visit Phil once she heard he was engaged to Kathy, just to see if the spark she'd enjoyed behind Grant's back was gone. It wasn't, and she and Phil ended up eating each other's faces.
Well, tonight, Phil repaid the favour, by making a visit to Sharon, reminding her that this was - yes - her "last night of freedom," and guess what? Once again, they ended up eating each other's faces. Until Yummy Mummy walked in.
That's the shame of the situation. There's no Michelle to whom Sharon can confess her dilemma and receive non-judgemental advice or comment. There's only Tanya, the worst person in the world to have in your corner in that situation.
This is getting boring.
The Drag Queen Party.
Hey, it's the 21st Century. Love her or loathe her (and I loathed her), the first and only woman prime minister for this country died today. And this is what EastEnders has to give us, regarding the women of the Square - something from the Fifties ...
OK, the lyrics can be altered somewhat to this:-
I flip when a fella sends me flowers
I drool over dresses made of lace
I drink with my bitching friends for hours
Drinking gin and white wine until I'm off my face.
I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
On the arm of a rich and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy
Screwing a whore like me ....
I thought "We Love You Kat Moon" was bad, but why did Tanya invite a lot of women Sharon hates? She's been sniping at Denise since Day One. She's had nothing to say to either Kim or Bianca. She sat in cold, disapproving silence in the car with Cora the Bora on New Year's Day before Derek's funeral while the old bag got knotted. She certainly has past issues which have yet to be resolved with Kat.
Tanya's first thought and first line were about her own unacknowledged addiction - something about the booze, which was really the reason Kim, Cora the Bora and Lauren the Lip were there.
The surprise element was stupidly puerile. It had an air of silly childishness about it, tinged with the worst, kitsch elements of a Carry On film - cf: Kim's bum in Whitney's face as they hid behind the couch. And there were more than enough men in drag, including the blushing bride, herself, for it to be mistaken for a scene from The Birdcage (or properly La Cage aux Folles).
Cora, Kim, Kat and Sharon ... all looking like men in drag. The only guest missing was The Magic Negro, who neglected to appear and render her blessing and words of wisdom on the gathering. Omniscient that she is, she would have known everything about everyone there ...
On second thought, maybe The Magic Negro might have spoiled the party with her philosophy.
Take it away, Cora ...
Well, he looks like Cora.
The irony of this situation is the surprise element being when Tanya walked in on Sharon and Phil. And as per usual, all the talk encompasses during this faux shower of faux friendliness is sex, specifically Ian Beale's performance in bed as per Denise, who - lips loosened by drink - regales in detail the exploits of Admiral Beale in bed.
I was waiting for Abi's essay on "How I Lost My Virginity" with the dapper line: Well, what's to say .... We made love.
Actually the line of the night came from Sharon, who was suspiciously distracted by Phil texting her with a request to see him later. When Tanya came too close for comfort, she blurted out:-
What about you, Lauren? Are you and Joey going to get married?
(You know, like there's nothing else to plan when you're nineteen and haven't even finished your A-Levels yet, as well as confronted your alcoholism. But, hey ... this is EastEnders, where every woman has to have a man to complete her existence.)
At least Carol had the good sense to stay away ...
Bianca the Village Idiot Is Jealous.
Even an evening with creepy Steve is better than the hoedown with the hos down at the Branning abode.
Carol is right to keep her social life a secret, the way the brain-dead harpies in her family and on the Square want to know about every little bump and grind. Bianca's afraid she's in trouble because of Liam's latest excellent adventure. (See, it's always about Bianca, never about her kids, just her. Honestly, if she'd never been in prison and truancy didn't reflect on the parents, she'd be arguing the toss with the teachers about Liam staying home from school).
But now she finds out that Mummy Dearest Carol has a new bit on the side, and Bianca doesn't.
Does this mean Ricky can come back now, Mum? Does it? Huh? Huh? Please, say 'e can, Mum ... please, please ...
You get the picture. Bianca and Carol are jealous of each other really. When one has a fella, the other has to have one too; or else, she'll convince Carol to send creepy Steve packing.
The Children's Party.
Leave your dinner
And leave your sleep
Come and play out in the street.
That about sums it up.
This had to be the absolute worst stag party in the history of EastEnders. Talk about dregging the bottom of the barrel. This is the stag party for a 40 year-old man. Max and Alfie, I can see attending. Even Ian. But where was Ray? (More proof that Chucky Venn has been Big Mowed out of existence). Ray should certainly have been there. I mean, if Ray can attend Andrew Cotton's stag do, why not Jack's, on whose team he played football? Where was Patrick, for that matter? Patrick doesn't turn down something like this?
Instead, we had Michael Moon, which was like having Dracula attend your wedding ...
Or even rise from the dead to attend a wedding ...
Fat Barbie has a habit of having the dead rise to the occasion of her wedding.
Anyway, we have to suffer a children's party, complete with, not the usual trio, but a quartet of boys with speech impediments. Honestly, Joey (especially), Cock (always), Tyler and Fatboy were at their unintelligible best.
Joey was worse than usual, in performance as well as diction, and I'm glad Jack wasn't the only one he annoyed. I wanted Jack to hit him. I'm not kidding, there's something seriously wrong with Joey, or maybe he's into Quasimodo method acting - you know, hang mouth open, cock head to side and shuffle across the room like The Hunchback of Notre Dame ...
It was the worst of times ... well, I could give you some example clips, but I don't want you to bring your dinners up. Suffice it to say, 95 per cent of the shit we've been dished this year, including tonight's godawful episode.
Kat's been totally decimated. In fact, in a poll done on Digital Spy today, Sharon and Kat were voted the two most disliked characters on the programme at the moment. Howzat,Lorraine? Between you and Bryan Kirkwood, you've managed to destroy systematically the characters of two of the most iconic females in the history of the show. You should be proud of yourselves.
We're still waiting to know why Kat fooled around and fell in love with Derek, but didn't. We're still waiting for this wondrous journey of self-discovery on which she's about to embark. All we've seen her do so far is fuck a psychopath and bully Tamwar. Bianca is still vile, insistint that everyone help her feckless son, the progeny of her feckless parenting. She's the female village idiot to Billy's ever-present male one. The Masoods have descended into Men Behaving Badly. Denise openly talks about Admiral Beale's nookie technique, we have a full house of inexperienced young male actors who are totally and utterly unintelligible, ingenue females who are talented and wasted (Jasmyn Banks), phoning it in (Lorna Fitzgerald) and the absolute worst actress ever on the show (Jacqueline Jossa - the worse she gets, the more she vainly tries to look like Jennifer Lawrence, as if looks would win her an Oscar). The show is looking more and more like a drag show in South Beach, Florida, with Fat Barbie, Cora the Bora, Kim and Ava the Rava.
Tonight's show was a total waste of thirty minutes. Totally. Utterly. Irredeemably. I can't help but wonder if the actors, themselves (the more experienced ones), don't wonder that their professional integrity is being regularly compromised ... or maybe they just like their inflated salaries, paid on the public's remit.
Tonight, in BranningVille, we had to suffer, yet again, an intolerable stag and hen night, for a couple with no chemistry, who can barely contain the fact that neither of them want to be married to the other.
I mean, did we ever believe the instantaneous chemistry of Jack and Sharon? No.
Did we long-term viewers, the ones who knew Sharon in the 80s and 90s ever believe she would jump into bed with a man she'd only met two hours before, after fleeing a wedding to another man? No. Sharon doesn't do one night stands, and she doesn't do sex with strangers.
Did we ever think she'd suck Tanya's fat arse in friendship and become an abject, shit-stirring bitch when it came to dealing with Kirsty? No.
We've heard her refer to Tanya as her "best mate," but have we heard her refer to her best mate from childhood, Sharon, or, indeed, her own sister, Vicky? Never. Not since returning this time.
As someone appropriately stated on Digital Spy, this is a Sharon in name only, a totally new character with traits, habits and attitudes totally alien to the old Sharon, whom more than many viewers recognise, but can't reconcile this behaviour etc in this new Sharon. Because this is a Sharon tailor-made by Simon Ashdown to fit snugly into his own Branning universe.
Someone else pointed out on DS, that although Ashdown is a brilliant writer, he cannot help but insert at least one Branning, mostly Max,in whatever episode he writes. Pat's last episode ceased to be all about the passing of an icon and more about the Brannings, who had little or nothing to do with her when she was alive. So Sharon's return heavily involved the Brannings, and there she's stayed since then.
Look, memo to Lorraine Newman: Cut the crap. We know Sharon was brought back to be with Phil. Stop the damned retconning and rewriting and get on with it. Your plots aren't clever. And as for Alfie and Kat, just get the slut back with Alfie and make her apologise. On her knees. You've sacrificed Roxy at the altar of St Kathleen, and something tells me you're about to sacrifice Janine at the same altar. Grant her a bitch-slap first, for old time's sake.
Then push off, and let someone who knows about EastEnders take over - preferably Tony Jordan or Sarah Phelps.
Jack Has a Secret and So Does Sharon.
Did you ever see a more morose-looking bridegroom? Already he's lying to
As I said, the Brannings are an amoral bunch, especially the men. They compartmentalise sex. When the object of their desire is out of sight, they can get on with the next blonde on the production line; but when their original desire puts in whatever sort of appearance, they get confused and conflicted. Jack wants sleek, lithe, ice queen Ronnie as opposed to Fat Barbie, her Dolly Parton hair, and her fey Lord Fauntleroy son. It's the difference between a woman and a drag queen, really.
Sharon, on the other hand, is doing an equally bad impression of looking forward to her wedding the next day.
(Aside: The phrase "the last night of freedom" took a hammering tonight. Jesus Christ, talk about crackinga walnut with a sledgehammer. Labouring a point is one thing, but this show, increasingly, is pandering to that section of the audience who possess one collective braincell and only see things in black or white. EastEnders is rapidly becoming "the dumb soap.")
Sharon's latest secret comes in the form of a visit from Phil. Now, this is a redux in reverse of a situation that happened some twenty years ago, which became the subject of the infamous tape Michelle and Sharon left running, when Sharon confessed to Michelle that she sneaked around to visit Phil once she heard he was engaged to Kathy, just to see if the spark she'd enjoyed behind Grant's back was gone. It wasn't, and she and Phil ended up eating each other's faces.
Well, tonight, Phil repaid the favour, by making a visit to Sharon, reminding her that this was - yes - her "last night of freedom," and guess what? Once again, they ended up eating each other's faces. Until Yummy Mummy walked in.
That's the shame of the situation. There's no Michelle to whom Sharon can confess her dilemma and receive non-judgemental advice or comment. There's only Tanya, the worst person in the world to have in your corner in that situation.
This is getting boring.
The Drag Queen Party.
Hey, it's the 21st Century. Love her or loathe her (and I loathed her), the first and only woman prime minister for this country died today. And this is what EastEnders has to give us, regarding the women of the Square - something from the Fifties ...
OK, the lyrics can be altered somewhat to this:-
I flip when a fella sends me flowers
I drool over dresses made of lace
I drink with my bitching friends for hours
Drinking gin and white wine until I'm off my face.
I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
On the arm of a rich and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy
Screwing a whore like me ....
I thought "We Love You Kat Moon" was bad, but why did Tanya invite a lot of women Sharon hates? She's been sniping at Denise since Day One. She's had nothing to say to either Kim or Bianca. She sat in cold, disapproving silence in the car with Cora the Bora on New Year's Day before Derek's funeral while the old bag got knotted. She certainly has past issues which have yet to be resolved with Kat.
Tanya's first thought and first line were about her own unacknowledged addiction - something about the booze, which was really the reason Kim, Cora the Bora and Lauren the Lip were there.
The surprise element was stupidly puerile. It had an air of silly childishness about it, tinged with the worst, kitsch elements of a Carry On film - cf: Kim's bum in Whitney's face as they hid behind the couch. And there were more than enough men in drag, including the blushing bride, herself, for it to be mistaken for a scene from The Birdcage (or properly La Cage aux Folles).
Cora, Kim, Kat and Sharon ... all looking like men in drag. The only guest missing was The Magic Negro, who neglected to appear and render her blessing and words of wisdom on the gathering. Omniscient that she is, she would have known everything about everyone there ...
On second thought, maybe The Magic Negro might have spoiled the party with her philosophy.
Take it away, Cora ...
Well, he looks like Cora.
The irony of this situation is the surprise element being when Tanya walked in on Sharon and Phil. And as per usual, all the talk encompasses during this faux shower of faux friendliness is sex, specifically Ian Beale's performance in bed as per Denise, who - lips loosened by drink - regales in detail the exploits of Admiral Beale in bed.
I was waiting for Abi's essay on "How I Lost My Virginity" with the dapper line: Well, what's to say .... We made love.
Actually the line of the night came from Sharon, who was suspiciously distracted by Phil texting her with a request to see him later. When Tanya came too close for comfort, she blurted out:-
What about you, Lauren? Are you and Joey going to get married?
(You know, like there's nothing else to plan when you're nineteen and haven't even finished your A-Levels yet, as well as confronted your alcoholism. But, hey ... this is EastEnders, where every woman has to have a man to complete her existence.)
Bianca the Village Idiot Is Jealous.
Even an evening with creepy Steve is better than the hoedown with the hos down at the Branning abode.
Carol is right to keep her social life a secret, the way the brain-dead harpies in her family and on the Square want to know about every little bump and grind. Bianca's afraid she's in trouble because of Liam's latest excellent adventure. (See, it's always about Bianca, never about her kids, just her. Honestly, if she'd never been in prison and truancy didn't reflect on the parents, she'd be arguing the toss with the teachers about Liam staying home from school).
But now she finds out that Mummy Dearest Carol has a new bit on the side, and Bianca doesn't.
Does this mean Ricky can come back now, Mum? Does it? Huh? Huh? Please, say 'e can, Mum ... please, please ...
You get the picture. Bianca and Carol are jealous of each other really. When one has a fella, the other has to have one too; or else, she'll convince Carol to send creepy Steve packing.
The Children's Party.
Leave your dinner
And leave your sleep
Come and play out in the street.
That about sums it up.
This had to be the absolute worst stag party in the history of EastEnders. Talk about dregging the bottom of the barrel. This is the stag party for a 40 year-old man. Max and Alfie, I can see attending. Even Ian. But where was Ray? (More proof that Chucky Venn has been Big Mowed out of existence). Ray should certainly have been there. I mean, if Ray can attend Andrew Cotton's stag do, why not Jack's, on whose team he played football? Where was Patrick, for that matter? Patrick doesn't turn down something like this?
Instead, we had Michael Moon, which was like having Dracula attend your wedding ...
Or even rise from the dead to attend a wedding ...
Fat Barbie has a habit of having the dead rise to the occasion of her wedding.
Anyway, we have to suffer a children's party, complete with, not the usual trio, but a quartet of boys with speech impediments. Honestly, Joey (especially), Cock (always), Tyler and Fatboy were at their unintelligible best.
Joey was worse than usual, in performance as well as diction, and I'm glad Jack wasn't the only one he annoyed. I wanted Jack to hit him. I'm not kidding, there's something seriously wrong with Joey, or maybe he's into Quasimodo method acting - you know, hang mouth open, cock head to side and shuffle across the room like The Hunchback of Notre Dame ...
(Ain't he just the spit of Derek?)
If that wasn't bad enough, we had to witness Fatboy, Joey, Tyler and Cock planning a surprise stripper for Jack.
Joey: Foenfiee,ghgiweoshhrlwwps shripper slerrhy2owen.
Cock: Yeah! dpwerjrworrnwewe dowuewlrwkrnrwirm club.
Tyler: Gurgh doeoweror slejrwrwe .sutwoemw.
Fatboy: Like dat's like, super, man ...
Seriously, it was like that. These were kids, and let's add Jay, the newly de-flowered virgin to the equation, all of whom thought a stripper was the most original idea of the evening,especially if Jack got off on her, locked in the office at the club, so they could take naughty pictures on his - yes - "last night of freedom."
This is a 40 year-old man, who's about to enter into his third marriage. This was really a kids' party. And it was boring. Even more boring and predictable than Bianca's Village Idiot Female Act, was Billy's Village Idiot Male Act. Why he was so chuffed at the prospect of someone having something over on Jack on his stag night was beyond belief. He'd not even been invited, but it was the height of humiliation being told to go sit on the naughty swing not only by three cretins young enough to be his sons, but three cretins who didn't possess a valid braincell between them.
With Phil lurking about just about the time the stripper arrived, who didn't guess those footsteps on the stairs and the mystery person entering the office was Phil.
Another line of the night from Sharon:-
Let's do this thing properly. I mean, I own a nightclub.
No, you don't, love; you own 19 per cent of one. You are the minority holder, not the owner, and it was given to you by the man you really love, you fat fraud.
The Rock and the Hard Place.
That's Max. Caught between the rock that is his new wife, who says she's pregnant, and the hard place which got her up the duff. The question posed is does he want Kirsty?
Kirsty, the answer is that Max always wants that which he hasn't got. Live with it. As soon as he's back with Tanya, he'll be sniffing around you.
Same shit. Different day.
Observation: The club, like the pub, was empty and lifeless. And even they employed a hide-and-seek motif. Did someone write this for children?
Observation: The club, like the pub, was empty and lifeless. And even they employed a hide-and-seek motif. Did someone write this for children?
yeah i couldn't figure out why max the "best man" would invite any of those people to Jack's Stag, Ian sure bc he's an old friend of Sharon's and Michael works with Jack, maybe its believable to invite joey because he's Derek son, although he sure never wanted to be part of the Branning family till there was a promise of strippers and booze, & his enthusiasm for both seemed really forced. but Fatboy? never have I seen him and Jack hang out, nor Dexter(unlike Joey's lose family Branning tie Dex would be considered a cross) when have we ever seen Jay and Jack be friendly, yeah he's sleeping with Jack's niece but that hardly seems like enough of a qualification to be invited to his stag.
ReplyDeleteand where was Lola? the only teenager not invited to Sharon's "surprise" hen party was the only person other than Tanya we have seen Sharon interact with, honestly you could gather up a group of 10 year olds and they could write a more convincing episode. it was just pitiful.