BranningTown: White Trash Wedding - Review 11.04.2013

The only thing that can make a bad wedding episode worse is a bad writer putting it together. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the redoubtable veteran of Hollyoaks (yes, another one, are you surprised?) ... Katie Douglas ...

Actually, if you want to know a little bit more about the person who wrote this underwhelming episode tonight, you can catch a brief interview with her here. Katie's the one on the left, with the glasses ... och aye, a Scottish lass writing about EastEnders by way of Hollyoaks. 

For those of you with short memories (and sorry, if I torture anyone here), but our Katie's the one who wrote this impressively unspectacular episode broadcast near the end of January, commonly referred to as the "BABE" episode (and it was about Miss Piggy too).

For all of the complaints about EastEnders (and there are many), it's obvious that the show is in crisis, and crisis management needs to start in the writers' room. The Hollyoaks contingent should be the first to go. 

This is EastEnders, for fuck's sake; not Hollyoaks-on-the-Thames.

How to Have a Wedding in Bad Taste.

That's easy. The Brannings make a habit of it, and now that Sharon's officially been branded - well, that's what they do to cows, don't they? - a Branning, bad taste weddings are de rigueur.

After all, this is Jack's third wedding. Max has been married twice and almost committed bigamy. This is Sharon's third. Tanya collects white wedding dresses. She recaptures her long-lost virginity anytime she sees a wedding cake on the horizon. Alfie's just finished his second marriage, Ian Beale has four under his belt. Dot's been twice around the block. Bianca's got three kids by two different men and a stepdaughter from a third and has only ever been married to Ricky. Carol's got four kids by four different men, was married once and has had more men through her legs than the Blackwall Tunnel has traffic. Kat's had one husband and has been unfaithful about eight times.

Hey, what's another wedding? 

Well, where I come from, the first wedding is the big deal. Anything else that comes afterward is  progressively low-key to the point of a whisper if you pass the third bride or bridegroom. In BranningTown, it's the opposite, in true white trash tradition.

I'm surprised they didn't have Billy Idol's song blasting in the background ...

The words could only apply to Miss Piggy Sharon ...

Hey little sister what have you done?
Hey little sister who's the only one?
Hey little sister who's your superman?
Hey little sister who's the one you want?
Hey little sister shot gun!

It's a nice day to start again.
It's a nice day for a white wedding.
It's a nice day to start again.

Hey little sister who is it you're with?
Hey little sister what's your vice and wish?
Hey little sister shot gun (oh yeah)
Hey little sister who's your superman?
Hey little sister shot gun!

It's a nice day to start again (come on)
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again.

Take me back home

Hey little sister what have you done?
Hey little sister who's the only one?
I've been away for so long (so long)
I've been away for so long (so long)
I let you go for so long

It's a nice day to start again (come on)
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again.

There is nothin' fair in this world
There is nothin' safe in this world
And there's nothin' sure in this world
And there's nothin' pure in this world
Look for something left in this world
Start again

If they ever make "EastEnders: The Musical", I'd want Phil Mitchell to sing this to Sharon.

What's your vice and wish, Sharon? Who's your superman? Shotgun!

Because that's what this seemed like, a shotgun wedding - Sharon with her phony smile and her phony friends she hardly knows. Phony, phony, phony and plastic. The whole relationship with Jack was nothing. She doesn't know this man, which makes her remark about Jack being the most decent man she's ever met.

Bullshit.

This is Jack, who drops kids like flies and then forgets about them (except today, he remembered Amy, then proceeded to ignore her and let her get chocolate all over her face and her dress; Jack is more concerned about Little Lord Denny Fauntleroy than any of his real children).

It's Fat Barbie's wedding day and the first place she goes is to Phil Mitchell's house. Her old lover - actually, her once and future lover - to beg him not to tell Jack about their secret kiss ...

Sharon's worried about that kiss, because she knows the score even if Tanya doesn't. As the song says ...

(Can't you just hear Poppy and Abi the Dough-Faced Girl and UnFunny Kim on the backing vocals?)

Phil's super kiss is proof positive that he's the man for Sharon, and Jack is just a plank. 

Going back to how much Sharon doesn't know about Jack, does she know he's a bent copper who was on the payroll of a drugs lord, on whom he grassed and sacrificed his daughter to a wheelchair because of this? She knows he spent a year shagging Tanya's fat arse, but does she know that (a) Tanya tried to bury Max alive or (b) Jack even threanted to kill him and was about to take Tanya and Max's children illegally out of the country?

Does she know that if she married Jack, she'd be a stepmother to Richard, Jack's son by her ex-sister-in-law, Sam Mitchell, and if hey ever visited Richard, she'd come face to face with her first husband (and the real love of her life, Grant Mitchell)?

No. I didn't think she did.

I truly don't know what Sharon wants. She seems determined to go ahead with this marriage, but she keeps wafting around Phil, as if she wants him to do something, even hanging around the R and R, when he stopped her, she was hoping he'd say something more than just "Congratulations,".

I'm with several fora commentators. This is a woman who looks like Sharon and who's called Sharon, but she isn't the Sharon I know. The Sharon I know was never judgemental, wantonly bitchy or a shit-stirrer. The Sharon I know was discriminating. She hated shallowness and plasticity. She believed in getting to know people before forming judgement. She was always for the underdog. And she would never beg for the crumbs from the table of a scrubbed-up piece of white trash like Tanya Cross Branning Jessop Cross Whatever.

The Sharon I know didn't do one night stands and never slept with a stranger two hours after meeting him. She'd never prostitute herself to someone for the sake of a free roof over her head or maintenance. And she'd never dress and make herself up like mutton dressed as lamb.

As for Jack, there is simply no way he'd fall ass head over heels in love with a matronly, middle-aged mother of a fey sissy son, who needs a haircut badly. 

More proof of latent doubts ... how many times did Jack and Sharon both tell other people how much they loved each other? How many times did Sharon assure Tanya that she loved Jack and sound more and more as if she were convincing herself? How many times did Jack assert to anyone who'd listen that he loved Sharon?

If you have to say it to convince yourself, it's a lie.

Besides, if Sharon's got Phil and his amazing kiss on her mind, then Jack's got someone on his mind too ...

Ronnie. 

More than Ronnie, Jack's inherent Branning cowardice is rampaging to the fore. Phil Mitchell knows that Jack's seen Ronnie, and that Ronnie wants to see Jack. Again. Which means Jack didn't do what he said he'd done and finish it with Ronnie. Which is why Jack needs his cheering section (plus some early morning whiskey) in the form of Max and Michael Moon, Prince of Darkness, as well as Alfie for about five minutes - all bastions of rectitude in the marital world - Alfie and Max saying they've spent most of their lives married and were happy (but now both are separated from the wives/ex-wives with whom they really want to be, thanks to Max's serial cheating and Alfie's wife's skankability). Michael Moon's the only one with a downer on marriage, and well he should be. Lurking around the corner, strengthened and intent on wreaking revenge, is his own wife. The Queen of the Night returns next week ...

Beware ...

Wow .. I mean, wouldn't you want to see Janine give Kat a bitchslap like that. Or MyAlice. Or Lauren, who's in desperate need of being slapped silly around the Square.

Anyway, Jack's got to have a cheering section to convince him that he's over Ronnie and onto Sharon. Well, look at it this way, Sharon's probably got more of a cushion for Jack's pushing.

Finishing Touch.

Have fat bride ascend the aisle slowly, acknowledging small children and honoured guests to the accompaniment of an Andy Williams record, in a poor imitation of The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba.

Girls Talk.

Can someone please tell Tanya that the bride is a fortysomething Fat Barbie with a bad permatan and awful hair extensions? She doesn't need all the excitement of a first wedding, just so you can live vicariously through your wedding addiction? Besides, she doesn't love Jack, and you know it.

Still, it gives Tanya (and Lauren and the putrid Cora the Bora) and excuse to drink. It also gives Letitia Dean an excuse to talk baby talk to Little Lord Den Fautleroy, the kid whose parents have the same father, child of incest. Someplace on his body is the symbol 666 emblazoned.

I don't know if it's the ineffectual writer or the actor or a combination thereof which makes adults talk to six year-olds as though they were toddlers? I would blame the writer (och aye), because Letitia Dean is not a parent and wouldn't be expected to know how to speak to children, but Simon Gregson of Corrie fame is a parent and speaks to his screen daughter as though she were a baby.

Speaking of speaking, silent Amy was there today too, along with a brief glimpse of gurning Oscar, now wearing glasses so he can see how to gurn better. As for Amy, she's four years old, so why do Roxy and Alfie insist on carrying her everyplace?

That was a wittering twittering bunch of birdbrains around at Tanya's punctuated by the presence of 

The. Worst. Actress. Ever.

Still shouting, Still gurning. Still using overt arm gestures. Still playing to the camera. STILL NOT JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

Not only that, for the umpteenth time, Lauren Branning is he most pejorative representative of an ingenue ever on this programme. There's nothing to like about her at all - entitled, rude, self-obsessed, selfish, lazy and absconding responsibility. They only person more absurd than she is is her own putrid mother, Tanya, who couldn't even organise a booze-up in a brewery because she'd be drinking all the booze, forgot to organise the decorations at the R and R.

A Word about That Wedding Dress.

Nice dress, shame about Sharon. I am sorry, but Sharon looked like a sack of potatoes bundled into that dress. She looked like a tub of lard covered in blue, and forget about the thigh-high slit. Letitia Dean might have slender legs, but she has a fat torso, and has gained a lot of wieght around the middle, and her boobs looked more matronly than the putrid old drunk's baps. Sharon has the neck, the jawline and the shoulders of an NFL defensive linebacker. In short, it made her look like yet another man in drag.

The Lip Sisters.

All Kirsty wants to do is keep Max in bed and away from his family, even on his brother's wedding day. Why, I wonder? Could it be that the lady isn't pregnant after all, and she hopes that the more she fucks Max, the more chance there is for her to get pregnant ... or so she thinks. Ever here of weakened sperm, Kirsty? Well, ask your sister-in-law, Suzie Branning. She knows all about that ...

Give our Suze a call, Kirsty, she'll help you deal with recalcitrant family members.

Somehow, Lauren the Lip engages Kirsty the Lippier in helping decorate the R and R for he impending nuptials. As the guests arrive, what's the first thing we see? The putrid, drunken old man in drag, propping up the bar by a large tray of champers, and hogging the lot. She begins to drink almost immediately, as does Tanya. And just as Lauren the Lip is about to enjoy a glass of bubbly from the fridge with her lippier stepma, in steps Max and relieves Kirsty of her alcohol.

Boy, nothing gets past Lauren the Lip,and now she's pissed off and about to be pissed, diddums! Daddy won't have much money to fork her way, now that (she thinks) there'll be another Branning mouth to feed. Ah well, it's just another excuse for her to get pissing drunk ...

Her song.

Lauren the Lip. Drunk. Here, her tale begins. Again.

The Retarded Child.

Well, that would be Bianca, who looked like a skrag of mutton dressed as lamb. 

Wah-wah-wah. My life is ruined because of my mum. Wah-wah-wah. It's all mum's fault. Wah-wah-wah. She's dating Steve, that probation officer. Wah-wah-wah, I could go back to prison if I do something wrong.

Well, don't do anything wrong, you singularly stupid bitch. Besides, Steve is now a private citizen, for all intents and purposes, where you are concerned. He's not evaluating you on a professional basis, he's hoping to evaluate what's inside your mother's much-worn knickers and go where a legion of men have gone before.

But make no mistake, as a responsible citizen, if he sees you committing a crime, he'll report you to the police, an act which will probably end his relationship with Carol.

Wah-wah-wah-Mum. You only fink of yourself. You never fink of the kids and me.

Bianca, that's not true. I always put you and the kids first.

Wah-wah-wah. No you don't. Your seeing that Steve.

Well, Bianca, I'll stop seeing him. I'll tell him it's finished.

Oh ... well, that's all right then, innit?

Is this a 37 year-old woman? I mean, seriously. Bianca really is the official Village Idiot of THREE family dynamics - the Beales, the Butchers and the Brannings.

Also, Bianca was a brilliant representative of the totally ignorant and obnoxious chav culture tonight when she asked Sharon:-

Are you peeing a lot? Only when I was marrying Ricky, I went like a running mare.

A bit like your vile mouth, Bianca. What a shame Ricky's not around today, thanks to your bitter mother and her selfishness and your stupidity.

The Best Bit of the Night.

I'm not too comfortable with Ian Beale being turned into the constant fool. Ian could always be  a dork, but that was something that was usually fueled by booze. Sober, Ian could be unlikeable, but watchable, and very driven. We saw a soupcon of that tonight when he condescended to allow Jean to put the toothpicks in the sausages. Twice.

It was even more obvious when Jean's "hired help" for the catering event showed up. Shirley. Actually, that was a classic use of Shirley in the original sense she was used. It's obvious that Jean is Skinny Heather, but they had a brief and actually funny scene when they'd holed themselves up in the Vic front room, scoffing chocolates and reticent to come to Ian's aid - the gormless ineffectual man, again, albeit a trained chef - he put sugar in the savouries and salt in the sweets. Of course, Jean - she of the shrieks, tuneless humming and weird words of wisdom comes to the rescue.

Oh, and Jack the Peg jilts Fat Barbie.

Is anyone suprised? Same old same old.