EastEnders: Common People - Review 22.04.2013

Surprisingly, this was a good follow-on episode, using a lot of characters who are either leaving or are currently sacrificial lambs. It wasn't much past the usual mediocre that's passed for good in recent weeks, but it's inching slowly upward, although I know that this is Newman's EastEnders, where nothing is consistent, even backstories being prone to retconning and making over.

Still, two good eisodes in a row. That's progress, eh?

Tonight's episode had a real emphasis on the common people aspect - with emphasis on the "common."

The Magic Negro on Patrol.

It's Monday in Walford, where kids go to school, like Tiffany and Mowgan Le Fat. However, Ava the Rava, Walford's resident Magic Negro, isn't teaching today. It looks as though she has a day off to mark papers.

As bloody if. Who are the people who write this stuff? Yes, there are such things as teachers' workdays and teacher training days, but those usually entail students being given the day off as well. Here, we have Ava the Rava making purchases in the Minute Mart and actually smiling at Billy; and she did actually say she didn't have to teach today, but had papers to mark.

Wait a minute ... teachers teach five days a week, and if this woman is deputy head, she has all the more reason to be at school each day. You can be a cafeteria Catholic, picking and choosing the tenents of your faith; but you cannot be a cafeteria teacher, thinking that, because it's Monday and I haven't done the grading I had to do over the weekend, I'll have a day off and do some work at home. It doesn't work that way, and someone on the research team or in the writing room should raise this issue of inconsistency. Walford is supposed to be a reflection of reality, not an alternative universe.

Or maybe Monday is just the day she gets to be The Magic Negro and keep a jaundiced eye on the residents of Walford ...

and, of course, that will entail dropping into the Vic, conveniently at lunchtime, with Little Cock in tow, coincidentally to be there at the time of Kirsty's announcement that's really a non-announcement since it's a lie and to glower disapprovingly at Max.

I ask this ...

WHY?

She didn't know Max Branning from Adam one year ago, and she's not particularly fond either of Tanya or her putrid mother, so why is she being so judgemental about Max? You can hardly call it a family attachment, because the Crosses are not her family. They may be related by blood, but they are strangers.

She knows nothing of the dynamics of Max and Tanya's relationship - nothing of the fact that her half-sister is just as amoral as the man she loves, that she broke up his marriage and later her own separate marriage to be with him. She knows nothing of Tanya's attempted murder of Max. She knows nothing about Tanya, about why she and Max are on-again-off-again, and she certainly knows nothing of the facts surrounding Max marrying because he was free to do so. If she's disapproving of Kirsty because of the type of person she reckons Kirsty is, then she's the worst kind of judgemental hypocrite, herself, and has no business in the teaching profession.

I clocked that reaction, especially the way her face turned into a personal reflection of sour milk, and it only made me dislike this supercilious, hypocritical, judgemental and utterly pointless character even more.

Token. Black. Character.

Teenagers in Love (with Themselves)

Why do I get the feeling that teen-centric episodes are on the near horizon? OK, I know Joey and Tyler are technically not teenagers, but they have the attitudes and mental maturity of the worst of them, besides not being able to speak.

Tonight's interplay between Lucy, Joey and Lauren the Lip was a masterclass in mouth-breathing, especially those scenes in the cafe and the pub..I suppose this is just the beginning of Lucy's loveplot against the incestuous wranglings of Joey and his cousin Lauren, which will be affiliated someway with Lauren's drinking problem. (Yawn ... do we care?)

But Lucy was making such progress as a character, working at her businesses and kept away from the friends from hell that are Lauren and Whitney. She appeared to have well gotten over Joey as a love object; now we're asked to believe she's been festering with jealousy all along.

This is character regression, even to the point where they're all hanging around with their mouths hanging open and looking like blithering idiots as in ... DUUUUHHHHH.

Need proof the Branning girls have their heads firmly ensconced up their asses? We had some lovely examples of that tonight. 

Lauren had to be the only person in London unaware that the London Marathon was run yesterday - although Joey's four-hour-plus finishing time doesn't say much for his training programme. She was so absorbed in herself that she was unaware that the race had even taken place or that this was the race in which Joey was participating. (I also love the fact that Jacqueline Jossa ...

WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.

has adopted yet another Jennifer Lawrence hairstyle in an effort to capitalise on a passing resemblance, when Lawrence has gone blonde and cut and styled her hair in a different manner now.

So I guess we can expect to see Lauren blonde and looking tousled in a future episode, and not after she's been humping whoever. Passing resemblance ... no talent, and Lucy deserves better than being the typical jealous, conniving bitch. This character had the chance of acquiring more depth, but that would have taxed the integrity of the writing room too much.

Even worse than Lauren's behaviour was Abi's. I'm beginning to wonder if Abi isn't the natural sister of the Pillsbury Doughboy ...

(He got the stomach, she got the thighs).

She was totally and utterly the spoiled brat tonight, and I'd have seconded the motion for Max to have backhanded her across her fat, pasty face for the remark she made about him being sure Kirsty's baby is really his. What does this snide, entitled little bitch not understand about the fact that her parents are divorced? They were divorced when Tanya married Greg Jessop, something which Abi didn't seem to mind at all; so does that mean that Mummy Dearest can marry any number of times, but Daddy can't? That he can only be their father if he doesn't marry at all? What about Max's relationship with Vanessa? She seemed to be OK with that.

No, it's just because Kirsty looks a bit dirty and common, and doesn't measure up to Abi's refined middle class tastes - she obviously hasn't looked long and hard at her putrid grandmother or her drink-and-drug-addled aunt, nor has she heard the story about her mother's antecedents. At least Kirsty didn't pursue a married man, when Tanya had the reputation of a marriage-wrecker before she was even twenty.

Abi was pissed off because the presence of a baby means that Abi wouldn't be daddy's spoiled little girl anymore, and the idea that this was a betrayal of Tanya is an unending joke. For the last time, Max is married to Kirsty. They can have an entire football team of kids if they choose to do so; it's none of either Tanya's, Abi's or Lauren's business.

Get the fuck, over it and grow up. I'm amazed Jay puts up with behaviour like this, but maybe he's afraid of getting crushed between those fat doughy thunderthighs. And, memo to the wardrobe and make-up department: Ditch the bleaching of Lorna Fitgerald's hair. No matter what you do to her, the actress will always look and sound like she's ten years old, especially as her character behaves that way.

Two Sluts Went to Mow, Went to Mow a Meadow ... The Matron Saint of Sluts and her Acolyte.

Katshit Slutter and Krusty Branning sit in the cafe. Katshit's hearing Krusty's plan to keep Max abed continuously in a last-ditch effort to get pregnant, which is why we see them continuously i what looks like a less-than-clean bed. (I'll bet Kim gags a maggot when she has to clean their room).

Is hindsight 20/20 vision? Just listen to Kat's words of wisdom about Krusty being truthful to Max ... as if she'd always tell Alfie the truth if he'd have her back. Would she, bollocks!

One of the highlights of the episode was watching Roxy's face interact wordlessly with Kat's slapped bottomed botoxed one.

I hate what TPTB are doing to Roxy, essentially sacrificing her at the altar of Saint Kat. Tonight she's reached the ultimate level of desperation, wanting a child to cement her relationship with Alfie, who's clearly reluctant.

Ubiquitous continuity error: Alfie does not have a low sperm count. When Kat miscarried Alfie's child, Yusef tested Alfie again and assured him that his sperm count was normal - that the incident in Spain could have been lost in translation or the count could have been low then because of the actual stress of trying for a child. If Alfie is pushing that fallacy as a means of ducking out of having a child with Roxy, that's low; although I would understand his reluctancy to have a child at this point in their relationship.

My prediction? Well, as Shane Richie has promised a twist in the tale of the eventual and expected reunion of Alfie and Kat, I'd say that something will happen in which it will be discovered that Tommy is Alfie's biological son, just at the time when Roxy falls pregnant.

Another high note - Tommy's brilliant. The kid clearly recognises and loves Shane Richie, as evidenced by his "Uh-oh!" when Richie entered the cafe and how easily he interacts with him. That was so natural.

What's unnatural is this endless kabuki dance of Kat and Alfie. It's a long time until Christmas.

This does not describe Alfie and Kat ...

The Butcher Gangabanga Again.

Well, you didn't think that was the last time you saw Kane, was it? The ugly one and the West Side Story wannabes will be returning soon to a screen near you ... We got the hint tonight.

When is Liam going back to school, by the way? Or has he given up entirely? I find it ludicrous that anyone would believe the actor is fourteen years old, especially since he sounds as if his balls have dropped to his ankles after smoking a carton of Woodbines.

He's not the greatest actor in the world, but I suppose he does OK with this pastiche. At least Bianca isn't upset at Carol not seeing creepy Steve anymore, thanks to her own interference. (But now we know, from the actor's tweets, that Steve was only ever a plot contrivance to bring Masood and Carol closer together, which is about as believeable as a chocolate teapot. What's next? Carol in a hijab quoting the Koran? Watch this space.

And Ray seems to be running the gym, instead of the creepy, insidious Prince of Darkness. It's a pity that Cornell S John's arrival means that EastEnders is over its quota of black actors Chucky Venn has to go. Good actor and top man.

I kept expecting Janine to put in an appearance at the Butcher household. They are, after all, her family, and she does own the house, which reminds me ...

The Prince of Darkness is No Match for the Queen of the Night.

Who the fuck does Michael think he is? Telling Tyler that he can stay in the house, and retaining the ludicrously thick and stupid Alice?

The house is Janine's. If she wanted to do so, she could have them all chucked out on their ear, and legally as well. The house isn't Michael's in which to offer hospitality, especially since it's owned by the wife he so wantonly mistreated, and who ensured all the bills and upkeep on the property were paid.

Because that's exactly what Michael did - he sought to take advantage of Janine when she was hormonal, exhausted and insecure, when she was suffering from post-natal depression, isolated from her family and with no one to whom she could turn in the early days of caring for a young child. He sought to keep her in a perpetual state of downtrodden doubt in order that he could spend her money as he chose. It was always and ever about the money.

Tyler and Alice are stupid, too stupid to see that Michael is just using them. Alice doesn't know jackshit about this awful man, but Tyler's seen him in action before. He's seen what he's done to his own immediate family and to himself, when he was laid low in the boxing ring, which was indirectly Michael's fault. And if he used his other braincell, he'd realise that Janine owned that house. She could just as easily evict the Jackson-Butchers as she could Michael and his lot.

Two things of which I was glad tonight in Janine's situation: that she's managed to get back on par with Billy's friendship and that she's bonded with Lola over her situation with Lexi. Of course, the money helped and offering Billy his job back didn't hurt either; but you got the impression that their annoyance with Janine had more to do with Janine leaving Billy and Lola without employment than it did with Scarlett's situation. That's typical Billy and Lola; but I'm glad Janine explained to them what Michael was all about and got them onside. I've always loved the Janine-Billy friendship, and I feel that in many ways, with Pat dead and Ricky exiled, that Billy is the only person Janine can trust.

The other good situation was her brief exchange with Shirley. 

Shirley: If you stand there any longer, Janine, people will think you're touting for business.

Janine: Oh, I'm sorry. Am I standing on your patch?

Shirley laughed, and Janine smiled. I'm glad there was no growling and judgemental welcome from Shirley, that the two greeted each other as if they'd only seen each other the day before. Shirley knows full well she, of all people, won't judge Janine. She realises Janine had her reasons for leaving her child as much as Shirley probably had reason for leaving her children. Good scene.

What I didn't like were the reactions of Alfie, Roxy and creepy Jean to Janine's appearance in the pub. In the first place, I seem to recall the Moons eventually being all over Michael's skinny ass about his scamming of Jean, and quite rightly too. Alfie even threatened Michael over his behaviour - and on Janine's wedding day. Kat was pretty sour about it also, and it had absolutely nothing at all to do with Roxy, who wasn't even about during the build-up to the wedding, as she'd been sent away from the Vic with a flea in her ear by Kat.

Jean, I can understand, because she's thick as pigshit, and blames Janine for the fact that her own murdering daughter had to leave Walford. (Janine, in Jean's eyes, is far more evil than a cold-blooded murderer).

I also seem to recall that Janine repaid, in full, the entire amount Michael had scammed from Jean - that included her lottery winnings as well as the money Michael manipulated Jean into embezzling from the Moons.

It was abundantly clear who the asshole was in these entire proceedings - Michael. Yet all the Moons and Jean are thick as hair on dog's back with this asswipe of a character. And for the record, he doesn't love Scarlett. Psychopaths are all about loving themselves. Scarlett is an object which he wants and by which he can control Janine. He didn't do such a brilliant job of caring for that child in Janine's absence. That was all down to Roxy, Jean and now the insipidly stupid Alice.

I hope she triumphs, and I'm glad he's leaving.

The Queen of the Night is home ...