Here's a reverse April Fool's joke: Digital Spy announces that Jo Joyner, the actress who plays the mammary Mummy at whose breast thousands of adolescent fanbois want to suckle, is leaving indefinitely (after spinning us a myriad of lies for more than a year), and the gaggle of viewers who find apologies for everything Lorraine Newman has cocked up, reckon this is an April Fool's joke - even with Newman's name attached to the announcing article and with a quote from her as well, they refused to believe it.
No tabloid reported this story, nor was it on the website.
(Silence).
It's Easter Monday, peeps. A bank holiday. Goodness knows why they decided to announce this on this day of all days; perhaps it's another one of Newman's quirks. But the BBC EastEnders Twitter account soon confirmed that Yummy Mummy would be stuffing herself into either a black cab or a black box sometime in the very near future.
Now people are crying about rats deserting a sinking ship - Nina Wadia gone and Scott Maslen, Steve John Shepherd and Jo Joyner going.
First things first: Nina Wadia actually gave her notice to Brian Kirkwood. She confirmed as much herself, and further went on to say that one of the first things Newman did as EP was to try to convince her to change her mind. Another one of Newman's failures. So the secret about Zainab's departure was kept from the viewing audience until after Wadia had actually finished filming.
Secondly, we've known that Joyner was leaving since last year, and anyone with any modicum of common sense could have and did say that when an actor chose not to renew his or her contract, they were leaving the god-damned soap. Gone. Finished. When Steve McFadden left for a year in 2003, when Charlie Brooks took six months off last year, and when June Brown did the same, their departures had a definite tenure and were accompanied by a word which was never used in relation to Jo Joyner's "break": sabbatical.
Joyner was leaving. The oblique and confusing reference to "six months" was, basically, a crock of shit attempt to walk back the panic; Jake Wood's assumption that she would be gone a year was merely that - an assumption; and even now, when she finally admits that she's not returning, the break now was going to be eight months.
Message to EastEnders: I know, if you read Digital Spy, you're probably labouring under the impression that most of the viewers are village idiot variety. And you'll have that opinion reinforced if you rely entirely on the feedback you get from Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr; but we're not, really. We're not even stupid enough to pay your wages through the licence fee. That's something we have to do by law.
One thing we don't have to do by law, however, is watch the tripe that's churned out each week. We can turn off. Most of the long-termers, like myself, unfortunately are hanging on out of habit in the increasingly more misguided hope that things can only get better.
Well, they're not.
Football season is nearing its end. That's an exciting time, as many teams who'd formerly played well during the year suddenly find themselves in the relegation zone.
If EastEnders were an association football team, they'd be propping up the league.
Even the weekend didn't make this episode any better. Yes, actors are leaving. Scott Maslen is no fool. He's been offered something more palatable with less work and as much money either by Sky or ITV. Steve John Shepherd never intended to stay long, and anyway, once Brooks's sabbatical had been approved, his character effectively had become toast.
There is a lot of deadwood in front of the camera at the moment on the programme, but there is as much deadwood behind the camera in the writing room and at the very top, and these problems need to be addressed first.
As the Greeks say: A fish stinks from its head, and Lorraine and Simon Ashdown's writing room hare pretty whiffy at the moment.
The Magic Negro's Chavvy White Roots
OK, Ava's home was trashed by the West Side Story Wannabes. So she and Little Cock scarper to Albert Square, with Ava, Deputy Head at Walford Primary, on an average salary of £65k (according to an advert online for a Deputy Head at a London primary), is relegated (that word again) to the sofa in the Butcher-Jackson abode. Little Cock goes to Yummy Mummy's where the cousins are older and prettier (and fatter in the case of Abi the DoughGirl).
Several questions spring to mind. Like, did Ava - a responsible, educated professional - ring the police? A crime was committed. Her house was broken into and vandalised. She was all for Bianca to use the police facilities in dealing with Liam's problem. Did she even think about following her own advice, or does she really believe she's the Magic Negro after all?
Don't you just love how she assumes that faux teachery voice when speaking to the pefidious Tiffany and Mowgan Le Fat?
Going back to my concerns, does Ava actually own the house in which she lived on the edges of a notorious sink estate? She appeared to live either on the nicer end of the estate, in one of the Housing Association dwellings, or she appeared to live on a private estate nearby. Wherever she lived, she certainly found occasion to prowl around the actual estate, itself, when someone of her standing and constitution wouldn't even be allowed to live there (too much income) much less want to swan about there. And all this babble about staying there to bring up her son was just shit. Any person of any education and standing gets the hell out of a place like that if they have children and have an opportunity to better themselves.
So, if she didn't own her house, surely she reports - not only to the police, but also to the authority - and she's re-housed; or if she does, a responsible citizen, especially a teacher, calls the police, and then calls her insurance company for the damage done to her possessions and to the house. The insurance company arranges for temporary accommodation for her and Cock, even in a reputable hotel, and gets going with the work at hand.
But what does Ava do? Walks away from the house. Seeks refuge with strangers and then starts babbling about moving to Dagenham. People in EastEnders just leave houses ad hoc, it seems. Archie left his pile in Weymouth; Jean left a council flat without looking back.
Ava and Cock walk away with nothing.
Cock wastes no time in making himself at home, to Abi the Dough-Faced Girl's fascination. Abi, it would appear, has never seen a street Negro before, much less one who's related to her. Like Waynetta Slob, having Dexter and her very own aunt Magic Negro ...
will give her some street cred, she supposes ...
Oh, Mum ... can we keep Ava and Dexter, please, Mum, please? It'll mean I can have black relatives like all my mates at college?
Oh, all right, then, dahlin'. It might make me look nicer if I have a black sister I can pretend to be nice to and patronise.
Abi was one of the worst things about today's episode, and I wanted to smack her increasingly polyunsaturated fat cheeks. She is the epitome of white privilege, refusing to leave the room when The Magic Negro showed up to speak in private with her son.
In fact, all of that Tanya-Old Hag-Abi dynamic tonight acted like the grandiose white relatives being nice to the poor black relatives they've just discovered they have down in the slave quarters. Cock is dumb, but not so dumb. He takes advantage of his surroundings, and how unrealistic was his remark to Phil about not finishing his work? Do these writers even know Phil Mitchell?
Phil wouldn't have countenanced that sort of cheek from Jamie or Ricky. He wouldn't tolerate that from some little blighter off the street.
From Tanya's phony, condescending smile, which said more to The Magic Negro than words ever could to Cora's pleading pep talk as if she knew everything to the whole shabang ganging up and wanting their own Magic Negro and Little Cock living there - all together, a family.
You know the Tanya smile I'm talking about? The one which says, I know you're my sister and you're black and I'll have to accept that, but I need to be nice to you to say I'm sorry. Even though you're better educated then me, you're not as privileged, and besides, if you lived with me, you could help my daughters with their schoolwork.
If that wasn't enough, Cora was worse by insinuating herself into Ava's situation and using her association with Cock to manipulate it. This is the truth for Tanya, Cora the Bora and Abi the Dough-Faced Girl:
Ava was adopted. She grew up, bonding with her adoptive parents, who loved her and supported her. She even referenced them being totally supportive when she was having problems with her son. She doesn't know you, but from what she's seen, she's not impressed. Her awkwardness, her stubborness etc aren't some sort of genetic traits inherited from the old grey slattern; they are traits acquired through her own life's experience.
Had she stayed with Cora the Bora, she'd have ended up sucking on a bottle of booze just like the rest of the common-as-muck Cross family. Credit to the old bitch for admitting that she wouldn't have been much of a mother, but I don't reckon her drinking started with her husband's death. It certainly hasn't stopped since. And, besides, there's no reason to believe that Ava's adoptive parents aren't still alive, so she has no need of the faux sympathy and desperate need to be nice to her (only to make themselves feel better) from Tanya, Cora or Abi.
This woman is miles above them, even if her ridiculous son isn't.
This showed this dynamic at its worst, and whether or not Pete Lawson intended it as such is a moot point. If he intended it thus, he's made a point about how appalling they are; but since they're Branning satellites and actual Brannings, I think this was probably meant sincerely.
I'd actually suggest he speak to adoptees, who've been disappointed in the birth relatives they've found, especially the ones of whom they didn't go in search, themselves.
Anyway, instead of contacting the police or her insurance company or both, she decides to stay in the B and B, the gathering point for every outcast, loser and misfit in the programme at the moment. As you do. And that puts them right in the vicinity so the drunken old bitch can force herself upon The Magic Negro.
Run, Ava, run ...
The Incredible Lightness of Bianca's Intellect.
Liam is in hospital. I know the NHS is in financial difficulties at the moment, but Liam's lying there in tracksuit bottoms and a teeshirt.
I know that the law works slowly in any country, but for that policeman - a detective superintendent - to tell her, confidently, that Liam's attacker had been arrested and the rest of the gangabanga brought in for questioning, only to return later to tell her they'd been released on bail, is a bit hard to fathom.
Even harder to fathom is the fact that DS Plod said that there wasn't enough evidence to charge the gang or Chris, the perp, with the crimes of which they'd been accused. Well ...
First of all, didn't the bizzies search that flat where Kane the Neanderthal lived with his father? It was crawling with stolen goods, and they'd have had no trouble in ascertaining that they just didn't fall off a lorry. Secondly, re the stabbing, itself, weren't Bianca and Carol standing within sight of the event and actually saw Liam get stabbed? They may not have seen the knife, but they saw him go down, saw the gangabanga scarper and Liam said he'd been stabbed. He didn't have a knife on him, so it's obvious he didn't stab himself.
Such a weak and preachy storyline, and I'm tired of Bianca shouting the odds at any and everyone who's in a position of authority before they've had a chance to explain themselves.
I'm tired of her shouting the odds with It's-a-Shame-about-Ray when Ray isn't Liam's father. She should be on the phone to Ricky, informing him of what's been happening and what's happened to Liam. He has a right to know.
There was a link tonight between Bianca's story and Dot's and that's the sin of pride. Pride caused Bianca to steal and go in debt rather than approach those relatives who were in a position to offer help last year.
I'm not talking about Max and Yummy Mummy, who offered her some left over roast spuds and a box of wine so she could drown her sorrows. I'm not talking about Jack, who offered jackshit.
But Derek offered money many times and she refused it. If she'd been nicer in her approach to her Butcher and Beale relatives (both who employed her against better judgement and one who literally allowed her to remain in her home for a peppercorn), she may have stayed out of prison. Pride makes Bianca want to pay Ray for teaching Liam how to defend himself. But in the next instant, we see Patsy's Party Piece of the ubiquitous open-mouthed crying ...
and her ludicrous, simple-minded assertion to Saint Kat, Matron Saint of Sluts, that she has to quit the stall. She has to be there 24/7 for Liam the Lunk, going to school with him, riding the bus with him, stuffing his pointed, little head with cottage pie and lasagna made with beans, and wiping his ass; so she has to quit the stall.
But, Kat asks, how is she going to support her family, how is she going to feed her family?
Bianca gives a typical senseless Bianca reply: Her family won't go hungry because she'll make sure they don't. Yep, just like last time. And in the end, to chav's delight, Bianca gets Kat "doing extra shifts" (eh, stalls don't have shifts) whilst paying Bianca. How the hell does this stall even pay for itself, with one or the other always running off on a family crisis? Two. Gobby. Mares.
I want one of them to get cancer of the larynx.
The Wrath of Dot: Pride Goeth Before the Fall.
Dot's been in bed all weekend, feeling sorry for herself. I must admit, were I she, I'd have smacked the living shit out of Cora the Bora, who complained because Dot neglected to say "please" with the request to cover Dot's shift in the morning. Cora should be the one saying "please" to Dot, for scamming her and neglecting to pay the rent when Dot was away. OK, Dot was in the wrong too - you cannot tell me that anyone who's lived that long in council accommodation doesn't know that they cannot sublet? Having said that, it was only common decency for Cora to pay the rent instead of sucking it up in booze and fags.
Anyway, Fatboy, the only decent character in tonight's charade engaged the Vicar to communicate with Dot - Christian to Christian. I like this Vicar, especially the gentle way he makes Dot see how she isn't more sinned against than sinning, but that she's a sinner, herself, and guilty of the worst sin of all - pride. Dot has a stepson who's more than solvent and who'd help her in her troubles if she'd only ask. She won't.
It's incongruent to me that Dot is more involved with people who are strangers to her, rather than asking her now extensive family for help in her time of need.
FatBarbie
I am sorry, but Sharon is fat. The camera never lies, and that cream puff wedding dress she's ordered would make her look like a lump of lard. Besides, why do she and Tanya insist on wearing white every time they get married again? Are they both some species of self-perpetuating virgins? White is for the first marriage - ne'mind if the groom is the forty-seventh man with whom you've slept and you're only eighteen. White is for the first marriage. All the rest don't matter.
That scene when Fat Barbie was talking with Barbie Big-Ankles at Jack's flat showed Sharon at a camera angle that was less than flattering. She looked like a ball with a blonde wig.
Good continuity, however, in her reference to her time with Phil and Grant - especially the point that many long-term viewers and I have been labouring to explain for donkey's years: that when Grant was around, Phil was, indeed, the gentler brother. The remark about Phil shutting people out and pushing people away is a lame explanation of the fact that since Grant left, in 1999, they've tacked Grant's psyche onto Phil and morphed the two to such an extent that the gentler Phil has now been hidden under layers of circumstance which occurred during the past decade - his set-up by Den Watts, Dennis's death (WHICH NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT EXCEPT PHIL, PEGGY AND GRANT, MOTHERFUCKERS), Ben's abuse by Stella, Ben's assault on Jordan Johnson, Ben's stalking of Phil and Ben's killing of Heather - not to mention his sojourn with Shirley (that's enough to sour any man's juices).
Shit, this show is so much in need of a piece of good luck, I'm giving it credit for a lame attempt to explain a situation to a viewing public, most of whom don't even listen to the dialogue, much less think critically.
Still, Sharon is fat and her friendship with Tanya is forced.
I'm All Right, Jack ...
Here's an appropriate song for Jack ...
Gimme a ticket for an aeroplane
Ain't got time to take a fast train
Lonely days are gone
I'm a-goin' home
My baby just wrote me a letter.
I don't care how much money
I gotta spend
Gotta get back to my baby again
Lonely day's are gone
I'm a-goin' home
My baby just wrote me a letter.
Well, she wrote me a letter
Said she couldn't live without me no more
Mister, Mister,can't you see
I gotta get back to my baby once more
Anyway-yay-yayyyyyy
Anyway, that just says it. The Ice Queen cometh and Jack goeth hither, and so ends the fastest, phoniest coupling in EastEnders history. I don't care how much Fat Barbie coos that she just can't wait to be Mrs Branning ... It's a lie.
And Jack knows it. Now.
Another Sick Baby Storyline.
The best part about another baby falling sick was the excellent argument scene between Billy and Phil about Billy's lame (pun intended) second-hand baby walker. Yes, Billy was right to point out that Phil may have thrown money at Ben and Louise and ended up with both of them being nowhere near him. He may also have failed Ben, but Ben was damaged goods when he arrived in Walford, and we don't know what's happening with Louise, as she's with her mother; but she seemed a fairly normal little girl when she lived with Phil before.
However, kudos to Phil for explicitly reminding Billy that he's got no right to criticise Phil as a parent because Billy has two kids of his own whom he never sees. In fact, he seems to have abandoned Janet and William (and Janet has special needs, remember) in favour of cosying p with a granddaughter he didn't know from Adam until a couple of years ago, and her daughter, who also happens to be Billy's second cousin twice removed. Go figure.
The other good thing about this vignette was Danielle Harold's scene when she reads the riot act to Billy about saying stuff he shouldn't have said to Phil, how they need Phil onside for Lexi's benefit. Best piece of acting all night. I'd keep this girl and dispense with the silly and ineffectual Lorna Fitzgerald. In fact, send Abi off to a Fat Farm with her mother and put Lauren in rehab. Lola is growing on me, as long as they don't send her back down the mouthy chav road again.
The other laughable thing about this storyline is how Billy always comes crawling like a weasel to Phil whenever he needs his help.
I miss Peggy.
Not one of Lawson's best, to be quite honest.
No tabloid reported this story, nor was it on the website.
(Silence).
It's Easter Monday, peeps. A bank holiday. Goodness knows why they decided to announce this on this day of all days; perhaps it's another one of Newman's quirks. But the BBC EastEnders Twitter account soon confirmed that Yummy Mummy would be stuffing herself into either a black cab or a black box sometime in the very near future.
Now people are crying about rats deserting a sinking ship - Nina Wadia gone and Scott Maslen, Steve John Shepherd and Jo Joyner going.
First things first: Nina Wadia actually gave her notice to Brian Kirkwood. She confirmed as much herself, and further went on to say that one of the first things Newman did as EP was to try to convince her to change her mind. Another one of Newman's failures. So the secret about Zainab's departure was kept from the viewing audience until after Wadia had actually finished filming.
Secondly, we've known that Joyner was leaving since last year, and anyone with any modicum of common sense could have and did say that when an actor chose not to renew his or her contract, they were leaving the god-damned soap. Gone. Finished. When Steve McFadden left for a year in 2003, when Charlie Brooks took six months off last year, and when June Brown did the same, their departures had a definite tenure and were accompanied by a word which was never used in relation to Jo Joyner's "break": sabbatical.
Joyner was leaving. The oblique and confusing reference to "six months" was, basically, a crock of shit attempt to walk back the panic; Jake Wood's assumption that she would be gone a year was merely that - an assumption; and even now, when she finally admits that she's not returning, the break now was going to be eight months.
Message to EastEnders: I know, if you read Digital Spy, you're probably labouring under the impression that most of the viewers are village idiot variety. And you'll have that opinion reinforced if you rely entirely on the feedback you get from Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr; but we're not, really. We're not even stupid enough to pay your wages through the licence fee. That's something we have to do by law.
One thing we don't have to do by law, however, is watch the tripe that's churned out each week. We can turn off. Most of the long-termers, like myself, unfortunately are hanging on out of habit in the increasingly more misguided hope that things can only get better.
Well, they're not.
Football season is nearing its end. That's an exciting time, as many teams who'd formerly played well during the year suddenly find themselves in the relegation zone.
If EastEnders were an association football team, they'd be propping up the league.
Even the weekend didn't make this episode any better. Yes, actors are leaving. Scott Maslen is no fool. He's been offered something more palatable with less work and as much money either by Sky or ITV. Steve John Shepherd never intended to stay long, and anyway, once Brooks's sabbatical had been approved, his character effectively had become toast.
There is a lot of deadwood in front of the camera at the moment on the programme, but there is as much deadwood behind the camera in the writing room and at the very top, and these problems need to be addressed first.
As the Greeks say: A fish stinks from its head, and Lorraine and Simon Ashdown's writing room hare pretty whiffy at the moment.
The Magic Negro's Chavvy White Roots
OK, Ava's home was trashed by the West Side Story Wannabes. So she and Little Cock scarper to Albert Square, with Ava, Deputy Head at Walford Primary, on an average salary of £65k (according to an advert online for a Deputy Head at a London primary), is relegated (that word again) to the sofa in the Butcher-Jackson abode. Little Cock goes to Yummy Mummy's where the cousins are older and prettier (and fatter in the case of Abi the DoughGirl).
Several questions spring to mind. Like, did Ava - a responsible, educated professional - ring the police? A crime was committed. Her house was broken into and vandalised. She was all for Bianca to use the police facilities in dealing with Liam's problem. Did she even think about following her own advice, or does she really believe she's the Magic Negro after all?
Don't you just love how she assumes that faux teachery voice when speaking to the pefidious Tiffany and Mowgan Le Fat?
Going back to my concerns, does Ava actually own the house in which she lived on the edges of a notorious sink estate? She appeared to live either on the nicer end of the estate, in one of the Housing Association dwellings, or she appeared to live on a private estate nearby. Wherever she lived, she certainly found occasion to prowl around the actual estate, itself, when someone of her standing and constitution wouldn't even be allowed to live there (too much income) much less want to swan about there. And all this babble about staying there to bring up her son was just shit. Any person of any education and standing gets the hell out of a place like that if they have children and have an opportunity to better themselves.
So, if she didn't own her house, surely she reports - not only to the police, but also to the authority - and she's re-housed; or if she does, a responsible citizen, especially a teacher, calls the police, and then calls her insurance company for the damage done to her possessions and to the house. The insurance company arranges for temporary accommodation for her and Cock, even in a reputable hotel, and gets going with the work at hand.
But what does Ava do? Walks away from the house. Seeks refuge with strangers and then starts babbling about moving to Dagenham. People in EastEnders just leave houses ad hoc, it seems. Archie left his pile in Weymouth; Jean left a council flat without looking back.
Ava and Cock walk away with nothing.
Cock wastes no time in making himself at home, to Abi the Dough-Faced Girl's fascination. Abi, it would appear, has never seen a street Negro before, much less one who's related to her. Like Waynetta Slob, having Dexter and her very own aunt Magic Negro ...
Oh, Mum ... can we keep Ava and Dexter, please, Mum, please? It'll mean I can have black relatives like all my mates at college?
Oh, all right, then, dahlin'. It might make me look nicer if I have a black sister I can pretend to be nice to and patronise.
Abi was one of the worst things about today's episode, and I wanted to smack her increasingly polyunsaturated fat cheeks. She is the epitome of white privilege, refusing to leave the room when The Magic Negro showed up to speak in private with her son.
In fact, all of that Tanya-Old Hag-Abi dynamic tonight acted like the grandiose white relatives being nice to the poor black relatives they've just discovered they have down in the slave quarters. Cock is dumb, but not so dumb. He takes advantage of his surroundings, and how unrealistic was his remark to Phil about not finishing his work? Do these writers even know Phil Mitchell?
Phil wouldn't have countenanced that sort of cheek from Jamie or Ricky. He wouldn't tolerate that from some little blighter off the street.
From Tanya's phony, condescending smile, which said more to The Magic Negro than words ever could to Cora's pleading pep talk as if she knew everything to the whole shabang ganging up and wanting their own Magic Negro and Little Cock living there - all together, a family.
You know the Tanya smile I'm talking about? The one which says, I know you're my sister and you're black and I'll have to accept that, but I need to be nice to you to say I'm sorry. Even though you're better educated then me, you're not as privileged, and besides, if you lived with me, you could help my daughters with their schoolwork.
If that wasn't enough, Cora was worse by insinuating herself into Ava's situation and using her association with Cock to manipulate it. This is the truth for Tanya, Cora the Bora and Abi the Dough-Faced Girl:
Ava was adopted. She grew up, bonding with her adoptive parents, who loved her and supported her. She even referenced them being totally supportive when she was having problems with her son. She doesn't know you, but from what she's seen, she's not impressed. Her awkwardness, her stubborness etc aren't some sort of genetic traits inherited from the old grey slattern; they are traits acquired through her own life's experience.
Had she stayed with Cora the Bora, she'd have ended up sucking on a bottle of booze just like the rest of the common-as-muck Cross family. Credit to the old bitch for admitting that she wouldn't have been much of a mother, but I don't reckon her drinking started with her husband's death. It certainly hasn't stopped since. And, besides, there's no reason to believe that Ava's adoptive parents aren't still alive, so she has no need of the faux sympathy and desperate need to be nice to her (only to make themselves feel better) from Tanya, Cora or Abi.
This woman is miles above them, even if her ridiculous son isn't.
This showed this dynamic at its worst, and whether or not Pete Lawson intended it as such is a moot point. If he intended it thus, he's made a point about how appalling they are; but since they're Branning satellites and actual Brannings, I think this was probably meant sincerely.
I'd actually suggest he speak to adoptees, who've been disappointed in the birth relatives they've found, especially the ones of whom they didn't go in search, themselves.
Anyway, instead of contacting the police or her insurance company or both, she decides to stay in the B and B, the gathering point for every outcast, loser and misfit in the programme at the moment. As you do. And that puts them right in the vicinity so the drunken old bitch can force herself upon The Magic Negro.
Run, Ava, run ...
The Incredible Lightness of Bianca's Intellect.
Liam is in hospital. I know the NHS is in financial difficulties at the moment, but Liam's lying there in tracksuit bottoms and a teeshirt.
I know that the law works slowly in any country, but for that policeman - a detective superintendent - to tell her, confidently, that Liam's attacker had been arrested and the rest of the gangabanga brought in for questioning, only to return later to tell her they'd been released on bail, is a bit hard to fathom.
Even harder to fathom is the fact that DS Plod said that there wasn't enough evidence to charge the gang or Chris, the perp, with the crimes of which they'd been accused. Well ...
First of all, didn't the bizzies search that flat where Kane the Neanderthal lived with his father? It was crawling with stolen goods, and they'd have had no trouble in ascertaining that they just didn't fall off a lorry. Secondly, re the stabbing, itself, weren't Bianca and Carol standing within sight of the event and actually saw Liam get stabbed? They may not have seen the knife, but they saw him go down, saw the gangabanga scarper and Liam said he'd been stabbed. He didn't have a knife on him, so it's obvious he didn't stab himself.
Such a weak and preachy storyline, and I'm tired of Bianca shouting the odds at any and everyone who's in a position of authority before they've had a chance to explain themselves.
I'm tired of her shouting the odds with It's-a-Shame-about-Ray when Ray isn't Liam's father. She should be on the phone to Ricky, informing him of what's been happening and what's happened to Liam. He has a right to know.
There was a link tonight between Bianca's story and Dot's and that's the sin of pride. Pride caused Bianca to steal and go in debt rather than approach those relatives who were in a position to offer help last year.
I'm not talking about Max and Yummy Mummy, who offered her some left over roast spuds and a box of wine so she could drown her sorrows. I'm not talking about Jack, who offered jackshit.
But Derek offered money many times and she refused it. If she'd been nicer in her approach to her Butcher and Beale relatives (both who employed her against better judgement and one who literally allowed her to remain in her home for a peppercorn), she may have stayed out of prison. Pride makes Bianca want to pay Ray for teaching Liam how to defend himself. But in the next instant, we see Patsy's Party Piece of the ubiquitous open-mouthed crying ...
and her ludicrous, simple-minded assertion to Saint Kat, Matron Saint of Sluts, that she has to quit the stall. She has to be there 24/7 for Liam the Lunk, going to school with him, riding the bus with him, stuffing his pointed, little head with cottage pie and lasagna made with beans, and wiping his ass; so she has to quit the stall.
But, Kat asks, how is she going to support her family, how is she going to feed her family?
Bianca gives a typical senseless Bianca reply: Her family won't go hungry because she'll make sure they don't. Yep, just like last time. And in the end, to chav's delight, Bianca gets Kat "doing extra shifts" (eh, stalls don't have shifts) whilst paying Bianca. How the hell does this stall even pay for itself, with one or the other always running off on a family crisis? Two. Gobby. Mares.
I want one of them to get cancer of the larynx.
The Wrath of Dot: Pride Goeth Before the Fall.
Dot's been in bed all weekend, feeling sorry for herself. I must admit, were I she, I'd have smacked the living shit out of Cora the Bora, who complained because Dot neglected to say "please" with the request to cover Dot's shift in the morning. Cora should be the one saying "please" to Dot, for scamming her and neglecting to pay the rent when Dot was away. OK, Dot was in the wrong too - you cannot tell me that anyone who's lived that long in council accommodation doesn't know that they cannot sublet? Having said that, it was only common decency for Cora to pay the rent instead of sucking it up in booze and fags.
Anyway, Fatboy, the only decent character in tonight's charade engaged the Vicar to communicate with Dot - Christian to Christian. I like this Vicar, especially the gentle way he makes Dot see how she isn't more sinned against than sinning, but that she's a sinner, herself, and guilty of the worst sin of all - pride. Dot has a stepson who's more than solvent and who'd help her in her troubles if she'd only ask. She won't.
It's incongruent to me that Dot is more involved with people who are strangers to her, rather than asking her now extensive family for help in her time of need.
FatBarbie
I am sorry, but Sharon is fat. The camera never lies, and that cream puff wedding dress she's ordered would make her look like a lump of lard. Besides, why do she and Tanya insist on wearing white every time they get married again? Are they both some species of self-perpetuating virgins? White is for the first marriage - ne'mind if the groom is the forty-seventh man with whom you've slept and you're only eighteen. White is for the first marriage. All the rest don't matter.
That scene when Fat Barbie was talking with Barbie Big-Ankles at Jack's flat showed Sharon at a camera angle that was less than flattering. She looked like a ball with a blonde wig.
Good continuity, however, in her reference to her time with Phil and Grant - especially the point that many long-term viewers and I have been labouring to explain for donkey's years: that when Grant was around, Phil was, indeed, the gentler brother. The remark about Phil shutting people out and pushing people away is a lame explanation of the fact that since Grant left, in 1999, they've tacked Grant's psyche onto Phil and morphed the two to such an extent that the gentler Phil has now been hidden under layers of circumstance which occurred during the past decade - his set-up by Den Watts, Dennis's death (WHICH NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT EXCEPT PHIL, PEGGY AND GRANT, MOTHERFUCKERS), Ben's abuse by Stella, Ben's assault on Jordan Johnson, Ben's stalking of Phil and Ben's killing of Heather - not to mention his sojourn with Shirley (that's enough to sour any man's juices).
Shit, this show is so much in need of a piece of good luck, I'm giving it credit for a lame attempt to explain a situation to a viewing public, most of whom don't even listen to the dialogue, much less think critically.
Still, Sharon is fat and her friendship with Tanya is forced.
I'm All Right, Jack ...
Here's an appropriate song for Jack ...
Gimme a ticket for an aeroplane
Ain't got time to take a fast train
Lonely days are gone
I'm a-goin' home
My baby just wrote me a letter.
I don't care how much money
I gotta spend
Gotta get back to my baby again
Lonely day's are gone
I'm a-goin' home
My baby just wrote me a letter.
Well, she wrote me a letter
Said she couldn't live without me no more
Mister, Mister,can't you see
I gotta get back to my baby once more
Anyway-yay-yayyyyyy
Anyway, that just says it. The Ice Queen cometh and Jack goeth hither, and so ends the fastest, phoniest coupling in EastEnders history. I don't care how much Fat Barbie coos that she just can't wait to be Mrs Branning ... It's a lie.
And Jack knows it. Now.
Another Sick Baby Storyline.
The best part about another baby falling sick was the excellent argument scene between Billy and Phil about Billy's lame (pun intended) second-hand baby walker. Yes, Billy was right to point out that Phil may have thrown money at Ben and Louise and ended up with both of them being nowhere near him. He may also have failed Ben, but Ben was damaged goods when he arrived in Walford, and we don't know what's happening with Louise, as she's with her mother; but she seemed a fairly normal little girl when she lived with Phil before.
However, kudos to Phil for explicitly reminding Billy that he's got no right to criticise Phil as a parent because Billy has two kids of his own whom he never sees. In fact, he seems to have abandoned Janet and William (and Janet has special needs, remember) in favour of cosying p with a granddaughter he didn't know from Adam until a couple of years ago, and her daughter, who also happens to be Billy's second cousin twice removed. Go figure.
The other good thing about this vignette was Danielle Harold's scene when she reads the riot act to Billy about saying stuff he shouldn't have said to Phil, how they need Phil onside for Lexi's benefit. Best piece of acting all night. I'd keep this girl and dispense with the silly and ineffectual Lorna Fitzgerald. In fact, send Abi off to a Fat Farm with her mother and put Lauren in rehab. Lola is growing on me, as long as they don't send her back down the mouthy chav road again.
The other laughable thing about this storyline is how Billy always comes crawling like a weasel to Phil whenever he needs his help.
I miss Peggy.
Not one of Lawson's best, to be quite honest.
I'm getting tired of them chucking everybody into the B&B willy-nilly. Ava could afford it on her wage (though your assessment of the situation clearly highlights why she'd have no need to stay there), but either the writers are completely deluded about the price of a B&B room, or Walford has a significantly higher minimum wage than the rest of the country.
ReplyDeleteA room in an East London B&B -especially one recently renovated to what appears to be a fairly high standard and with a Tube station on their doorstep not six stops away from central London- is going to set you back about £60 a night, at least. So we get the likes of Max and Kirsty living there until they can 'afford their own place', Sharon living there because she was 'penniless' and Shirley and Jay living there on the back of their minimum wage jobs, all despite the fact that it'd cost about £1800 a month? Please.
If they're so desperate to provide temporary accommodation to house temporary characters or characters between homes, then they'd be better off establishing a couple of grotty bedsits like they used to have. Half the Square would have been converted into bedsits and studio apartments in the real world by now, anyway.