Does anyone here know what an ensemble piece is? Don't worry if you don't, I'll tell you.
It's a drama (or a comedy) piece consisting of several performers, each one as important to the programme as the next. There's no stand-out star, no person who figures in every storyline. Ensemble pieces include such programmes as E R, M*A*S*H, St Elsewhere, Holby City, and Casualty.
Soaps used to be ensemble pieces. Some still are, like Corrie. Unfortunately, EastEnders isn't.
There are divergent opinions as to when it ceased to be such a an ensemble piece, but I'd put its roots back to when John Yorke introduced us to the awful Slater family and then proceeded, not only to insinuate them into every part of the fabric of life in the Square, itself, but also injected their input into every storyline.
When they were spent, Diederick Santer made sure EastEnders acquired the sub-title of The Ronnie and Stacey Show, with either Ronnie Mitchell or Stacey Slater having at least one scene in every storyline running. I mean, who can forget Stacey jumping into Lucas Johnson's ex-wife's grave, a woman she'd never even spoken to in her life?
Now, it's The Branning Show, and they made sure they were in every aspect of the proceedings this evening, and now that their satellites, the excruciating Cross element, have their own pet blacks freed slaves from the old plantation novelty items familial satellites, then, like a cancer, they've spread further.
Fat Tanya is waddling off. Jack is leaving. Derek is dead. I reckon, if four more of the blighters vanish, they'll become a bad memory, nothing more than a lingering smell. Lauren can drown in her own alcohol issues the programme won't address. Joey can overdose on the steroids he chews like candy. Alice can get gangrene from her own sickly sweetness. And Abi can stand too close to the fire and melt into a puddle of coagulated fat.
Apart from the appalling writing, bad continuity, amateurish scripts and bad storylining decisions, the growth of the Branning family has been one of the prime reasons the programme is failing at the moment.
We pay a licence fee, and we get dished this shit.
However, having said that, there was something good about this episode tonight, so I'll deal with that first.
The Old Crew.
I mean Dot being visited and helped by Ian and Sharon.
I'm not the biggest fan of Dot, for all she is an iconic character, which I recognise and respect. I think June Brown can be incredibly hammy at times, and often her performances border on being cartoonish. Dot is also a frustrating character - proud, self-pitying, judgemental, hypocritical and guilt-ridden because of her selfishness, which is why she is always indulging in psychological self-flagellation. If she were Catholic, she'd wear a hair shirt, beat herself about the shoulders and belong to Opus Dei.
She's facing eviction from her council house. Part of the fault is hers - she should have known the council's rules for taking in lodgers. She also knew that she shouldn't have sublet the house, and she should have known better than to trust Cora the Bora, a rotting old piece of alcoholic white trash flesh, to keep up the rent payments.
But because of this sin, Dot is determined to make of herself a martyr, too proud for the community to "know her business" (yet not too proud to know everyone else's business - hypocrite much?), she's hiding behind the platitudes of Bibile verses and trusting her fate to "Hiim upstairs."
I'm glad Fatboy had the prescience to get Ian involved in this, and I'm glad that, instead of running after Phil's coattails to the hospital, Sharon went around to Ian's for a cup of tea and a natter.
Sharon was Sharon tonight, the way she was in the 80s and 90s and part of the noughties, marrying prettyboy brothers aside.
Did anyone ever notice how when Sharon's interacting only with Phil or Ian how the big hair is either swept back in a ponytail or in a chignon. That style suits her, and she looked good. It was very Sharon-esque of her to pull Ian up on the motives behind his helping Dot, which were his own feelings of guilt. And it was good that they visited her, and actually let her go through with the charade of having a clear-out, wherein a picture of Dot with Ethel and Lou was found. It was nice that Fatboy referenced that Dot talked about those two all the time, and he'd never seen a picture of them.
It would have been nicer to hear Sharon say something about that dynamic, considering she's not uttered Pauline's name or Vicky's or Michelle's since she's returned; but she was there for the trip down memory lane as a testament to being part and parcel of "the old crew," and that recognition will have to be enough. It would have been even nicer had TPTB spent more time with this scene of the 80s crew together, instead of the forced and insulting situation of de white missuses bringin' de chittlins down fer de black folk ter eat an' - laws-a-mercy - Miss Scarlett, even eatin' widdem.
Jack Acquires Another Child and Forgets Three of His Own.
Harry Hickles is another appallingly aware child actor. Stand aside, Simon Barlow, Denny Rickman AKA Baby Justin Bieber is in the building.
Hickles shouts his lines. Awful, but he's only six and a walking advertisement, along with Tiffany Butcher and Simon Barlow, that children should be seen and not heard, and if they're seen, they need a blooming haircut.
Denny calls Jack "dad." Awwwwwww .. barf me with a spoon. If Amy could talk, she would call Jack "dad" too, because he is her dad really. Penny calls him "dad" as well, and he never sees her, although he put her in a wheelchair; and Richard, who's just beginning to talk, wouldn't know Jack from Adam to call him "da-da." Jack's chuffed beyond belief for someone else's son to call him "dad," when he doesn't give a rat's arse about any of his natural children, one of whom lives just across the Square.
Anyway, in the excitement of the evening - and in Albert Square an ambulance brings everyone and their slaves (oops, sorry, Cora the Bora) dogs to the doorstep, as if this lot of Luddites had never seen an ambulance before - more of that later - in the excitement of seeing an ambulance for the first time, Katshit sidles up to Jack like a bad smell to tell him she'd received a letter that Ronnie was getting released on temporary licence in 8 weeks' time. The letter asked if Katshit wanted any conditions put on Ronnie's release.
(Already, I hear the fangirls' anguished orgasmic cries. Shut up, she's not coming back.)
Katshit tells Jackshit that she only put two conditions on her licence - that Ronnie stayed away from Tommy and stayed away from her. Well, of course, dumbass, the police authority would naturally put those things down as conditions for licence anyway.
Katshit's remembering everything about almost losing Tommy, except how she treated Alfie during that time. She's even got the CSA after Michael's skinny living dead arse for money, as she's only got about four quid on her.
I'm at a loss to understand how Kat has no money when she's working on the stall, and also, Alfie would never stint on giving her money to support Tommy; he merely objected to forking over a deposit for a flat for her, when she refused to grant him a visiting order. Her head is so far up her narcissistic skank arse that she cannot understand why Alfie no longer trusts her at her word. If she actually tries to cast her mind back a couple of months, she might realise that she'd spent a lot of time lying to him, and cheating on him. Alfie knows her better than she knows herself, and he knows the least little thing would make her kick off and stop him from seeing Tommy.
As for the CSA getting money from Michael, has anyone ever milked blood from a rock? Michael has no money. He's skint. Jack probably allows him to take whatever is left in the safe at the Boxing Club as his wages, but Scarlett must be an expensive baby. He can't even afford to pay her babysitter, and he has no bank account, so the CSA couldn't even get an attachment to wages laid on him.
He's lucky he's living in his wife's house, which is all bought and paid for; however ... I can hear a sound in the distance, and ... it's the Queen of the Night on her way home ...
Imagine her encounter with either MyPatheticAlice or Katshit ...
Jackshit, Father of the Year, suggest Katshit, confront Michael up front and ask him for money to support Tommy, which Katshit, Mother of the Year and Runner-up in the Brain of Britain contest (that's Bianca), does.
Michael wastes no time in telling her that he's only Tommy's biological father, wants nothing to do with him and gave him over to Alfie to raise. (You know, if Michael feels this way, why doesn't he suggest to Alfie that Alfie adopt Tommy? Michael seems more than willing to give his permission.) But he reckons if he offers her a free meal, and gets her drunk enough to get his leg over and fuck the slut, she'd change her mind. Easy-peasy, just like Katshit.
(I'm not going to go into how Bryan Kirkwood and his ignorant storyliners cocked up the fact that there was no way Alfie could have registered Michael as Tommy's father; I'll just say this: Coronation Street, with the Tyrone-Kirsty-Ruby dilemma got it right.)
My opinion is that somewhere along the line, we'll get another sick baby story, this time with Tommy, in which it will be discovered that Tommy really is Alfie's son - just about the time that Roxy announces she's pregnant. I, for one, won't miss Michael Moon. Whatever anyone says, he's not a major character, he was surplus to requirements the moment Charlie Brooks announced her sabbaticalm and he'll soon be forgotten.
The Black and White Minstrel Show.
The Magic Negro and her disciple The Little Cock have just checked into the B and B. Did I hear correctly? Are Ava the Rava and her 20 year-old street suss bad Will Smith impersonator of a son going to share the same room?
Eeeeeuuuuuuwwwwwww.
Well, they are Branning satellites, and they're well into incest.
I wonder if Ava the Rava has a picture of Dexter's father in her room ...
Or maybe that's Ava's father, the furrowed brow looks so familiar. No, wait, who am I kidding. That's AVA! Like her birth mother and like Kim, the owner of the B and B, she's also a man in drag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to pick my jaw off the floor when I saw the white trash contingent of Barbie Big Belly, Cora the Bora, Lauren the Lip and Abi the Dough-Faced Girl trooping over to the B and B, laden with takeaway food at "Ava's invitation." Of course, it was all a set-up by Cock and Dough-Face. Abi still thinks it's cool she has pet blacks in the family. It gives her and edge Lola doesn't have. Lola's got the teenaged-mother thing, but Abi can swan around with Cock on a lead and say, "Have you met my cousin?" It's not quite "Have you met my boyfriend" but give her time. Branning girls fuck their cousins.
(The guy who plays Cock is 26, playing a 20 year-old palling around with those whom he'd consider children. He must be desperate for some dosh).
There follows the most awfully contrived partydown in the history of EastEnders. The Magic Negro is introduced to the Branning custom of having a big family dinner where secret wives are revealed, fights ensue and someone is left reeling. Tonight, the party theme was taken up by Ava, who shows that The Magic Negro isn't Christlike at all. In fact, she's presumptuous and hypocritical towards some members of the community - like Kirsty, who happens to be Max's wife.
Once again, Ava really should make an effort to know her birth family's secrets a bit better. Fine and dandy for Cora the Bora to almost admit to being a drunk (and their special gift to Ava was a bottle of booze which she grabbed all too readily). Maybe if Ava had stayed the night with Tanya and her little madams, maybe Tanya would have got drunk enough to tell her how she killed her father and tried to bury Max alive, how she married Greg Jessop and then promptly proceeded to sleep with Max, how she broke up Max's first marriage, how she and Max romped the beds and laughed at "Bob the Builder" babysitting Oscar, how Cora got drunk and let Oscar fall down the stairs, how Cora got an underaged Abi drunk and waved it off as a rite of passage.
Ava's blind judgement against Kirsty in Tanya's favour was ignorant, arrogant and presumptive. If she'd scratch below the surface, she'd find that Kirsty might be no better than Tanya, but Tanya's a lot worse.
The white privilege and stupid desperation on Tanya's and Cora's part to court and buy Ava is disgusting. Cora presuming that Ava's awful dance moves were genetically inherited from Cora, who used to sing too (PLEASE. NOT THIS!) was too gross. Ava has referenced having her own family. It's reasonable that her adoptive parents are still alive, She's a part of that family unit, this lot will never be her family.
Besides, she gave them a soupcon of her Aunt Esther look tonight:-
And when Tanya leaves, she can reassure the two little spoiled bitches who remain behind that they now have their very own Magic Negro, whom they can even call "auntie" to look after them and guide them through life with words of wisdom ...
Awwww ... can't ya just see The Magic Negro reassuring Oscar like that little boy at the end that he will stop gurning one day; and Abi shouldn't worry either, because she'll now have her very own personal first cousin to fuck just like Lauren.
The dancing scene was embarrassing. I wonder if Claire Perkins is thinking about what the wonderfully creative writing room has in store for her. Ava the Rava, on £65k, lived in a council house which got trashed. A responsible citizen who walked away, without calling the police, without calling her insurance company. Strange how the council let her live in subsidized housing on a good salary, and she now is going to pay, roughly, £120 a night for her and Cock to stay in a B and B.
The party was interrupted, first by Max and his bride, and then by the kerfuffle as everyone rushed to the pavement outside to stare in wonder at the ambulance. As fucking if. A load of hillbilly inbreds might have stared, gap-mouthed at such an occurrence, perhaps the Brannings American relatives ...
But not in cosmopolitan London. Anyway, this is just a contrivance for Simon Ashdown's writers to figure out a way to involve the Brannings in the Mitchells' problems with Lexi.
Abi the Dough-Faced Girl, with thighs of thunderous proportions, just has to go to the hospital. She just has to be with Lola. Ne'mind the fact that Lola will be in the treatment room at her daughter's side. It's just another fucking way of involving the Brannings in something that has nothing to do with them whatsoever.Even the bloated old hag's pithy text to Abi to "stay strong, girl" was a piece of shit. Stay strong for whom? It wasn't as if Lola were there on her own. She had her grandfather and Lexi's grandfather there with her. She was fully supported at all times. Abi was there to see and be seen, and be involved. The Branning show.
They wasted a trip. They shouldn't have been there, they should have been with ...
The Brannings' Village Idiots.
(AKA Liam the Lunk, Bianca and Carol). The Brannings have a close relative in hospital recovering from a stab wound and in danger of being targeted by a gang of wannabe Broadway dancers; but Abi doesn't think about visiting Liam, nor does Max thing about checking in to see how his sister and niece are coping with this.
Anyhoo, Liam wants his daddy,and he calls Ricky and arranges to stay with him. He knows that he grassed on the dancers gangabanga, and he knows they'll be back to make him and his family pay. However, Bianca and Carol, still labouring under the misguided assumption that a child doesn't need his father, and the police will look after Liam. Look! They've even given him his very own magic phone. If he's in trouble, all he has to do is ring, and The Magic Negro will appear. Or Richard Gere ...
Anyway, Bianca would just like to see that gangabanga get past her. Yeah, sure.
So this means Kane the Neanderthal (whose real life persona matches the ego of his character) is returning.
Oh joy. Do these numpties who write this shit enjoy torturing us or are they really that stupid.
The Contrived Epiphany of Phil Mitchell.
It's hard to fathom that Lola, who a couple of months ago, didn't realise that her smearing adult beauty cream on her kid's head led to an allergic reaction, now suddenly acquires a maternal instinct.
Panic stations, panic stations! She might have meningitis, just like her dad did! She might be rendered deaf because of that and grow up to stalk her mother and kill her mother's fat best friend, Abi the Dough-Faced Girl.
So we had a taste of Casualty and a diagnosis of gastroenteritis. (Had the kid been having diarrhea? Simples). And Phil reckons on that performance, alone, Lola deserves Lexi.
Well, that's put paid to that. We can all sleep safely in our beds.
This is about the speed of this programme. Apart from the bit with Dot, Ian, Fatboy and Sharon ... epic FAIL.
Again.
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