For some reason, a particular song by The Who comes to mind ...
The words just don't describe the entire predicament of most of the characters in today's episode of EastEnders; they also describe the show, itself, at the moment.
I won't stop saying it: The show is in crisis, but it's living on a substitute mentality - so much so, that another mediocre episode will be lauded by a demographic of viewers (those who started watching the show between the years 2000 to 2006 - by no means true long-term viewers), who are desperate to see a programme in freefall turn the corner and get good again.
But it isn't.
The brutal truth is that the show has been bleeding viewers for the past decade, although Diederick Santer managed to staunch the flow, short-term, by bringing back familiar characters in a recogniseable vein and by the odd bit of sensationalism. Since his departure, however, the show has been spiraling into free fall. So any scrap of evidence that the show is actually departing from bad writing, non-existent continuity, terrible acting and just a general air or terminal malaise, will be jumped upon and welcomed with open arms.
A year ago, people were banking on Sharon rescuing the show and eagerly awaiting her return in August. Then, when people realised that this Sharon was just as fucked up as Kirkwood's irredeemable Kat, the focus for hope and change rested on the mysterious figure of Ava. But she's become the Magic Negro, popping up here and there, during hours when she should be at work, solving the problems of the world. When Ava was in temporary character mode, she spoke with a posh accent and a soft voice, teaching in a leafy school which boasted a glossy brochure. Once she appeared permanently, she shrieked like a fishwife, spoke like a guttersnipe and used appalling grammar. Plus, she manages to earn £65k a year and live on a sink estate.
Now the numpties' latest hope and change figure is Ava's long-lost partner/husband/whatever, appearing, circumstantially after 20 years' absence, in her life again. Oh, goodie! Another errant father with another recalcitrant son with Daddy issues. Another long-lost relative. How original. And how unwise for Lorraine Newman to invest such capital in a character (Ava the Rava) about whom we know nothing and about whom the majority of viewers don't give a rat's arse.
Sam and the unintelligible Dexter's upcoming foibles are just a substitute for what probably was supposed to transpire between Derek and equally unintelligible Joey. Like Bimbo Sharon became a substitute drinking buddy and hypocrite for Jane with Tanya. The way Archie and Ronnie were substitutes for Den and Sharon.
Just like mediocrity has suddenly become the norm and a substitute for good in a once great show.
Jack Substitutes for a Plank of Wood.
But I'm a substitute for another guy
I look pretty tall but my heels are high
The simple things you see are all complicated
I look pretty young, but I'm just back-dated, yeah
Funny that. Jack recognises now, that he never loved Sharon, after months of pushin' her cushion, and he misses Little Lord Fauntleroy.
He misses Sharon's son.
Sharon's son.
Sharon's son!!!!!!
How about Jack missing that son of his who's two years old now and whom he hasn't seen since he was a newborn? How about Jack missing his daughter who lives across the Square and whom he actually managed to remember last week? How about he misses his oldest child, in Paris, whom he disabled?
He wonders aloud to his bruv whether or not he should call Sharon, you know, to see if she's all right; and Max invokes the Branning cowardice ethos - Best not. Hunker down. It wasn't Jack's fault.
No, it wasn't. Just like his brother, when the real object of his desire made her presence known - and not even physically, through a letter which festered unopened for days - Jack wanted that which he no longer had. He didn't even have to open Ronnie's letter. That envelope, alone, invoked a memory, just like what's going on in Max's life at the moment.
Kirsty and Max: The Substitutes' Substitutes.
Max
You think we look pretty good together
You think my shoes are made of leather
Kirsty
Substitute your lies for fact
I can see right through your plastic mac
Yeah, Max looks like the type of man who would age and devolve into a dirty old man in a plastic mac, flashing all the girls from the bushes of a park on a dark night. In other words, seedy.
Last week, Max said the unsayable to his wife, whom he thinks is pregnant. He told her to get an abortion. His paternal responsibilities lie with the three kids, two of whom are grown and spoiled rotten and entitled to the core, with Tanya. He effectively and callously told her he had no room for any more children in his life. (Kinda reminds me of the demands for no more children put out by Ian Beale, first on Laura and then on Jane).
That sort of reaction and demand from a husband should have told Kirsty one thing: Whether she has no one in her life but Max or not, she should get the hell out of that relationship, because she deserves better. Even alone and on her own, she's better off than with a loser like Max.
All Max can think to do in this situation is run off to hold Jack's hand in his hour of need, instead of talking things through with Kirsty. Surprisingly, this is one of the few genuine times in this piece where two people really do need to talk.
I don't think Kirsty is pregnant, but the general impression she gave when she showed up in Walford, was that she and Max had spent a great deal of time talking before and during their brief marriage. Now, Max doesn't want to do so. He clearly doesn't want this child, because he's been led to believe by Bimbo Barbie (Sharon) that Tanya still wants him back. He also knows that if Tanya knew about this child, she wouldn't dare want him back. although she didn't let the little matter of a child stop her from snaking Max from his first wife all those years ago.
Max could love Kirsty when they were out of sight and mind of Walford (read Tanya), just the way Max had to forfeit contact with Bradley to concentrate on his life with Tanya and their children. But Kirsty is the great unknown, and with Tanya close by, she offers what Max considers comfort and stability - the familiar in his life. Besides, he also knows that if he cheats again (and again), she'll always have him back.
Kirsty's life must be on a pretty low ebb, if her high tide is Max Branning.
The Retarded Child and the Slut.
That would be Bianca and Kat, the way they were gossiping about Sharon and cackling at Ian telling all of them off for that. Neither of these women live in glass houses, so they shouldn't throw stones.
Both have been unfaithful wives, both have been in prison. Kat is a rank slut who was regularly unfaithful to her husband. Her daughter was involved in the killing of Sharon's father, and tricked Sharon's husband-brother into believing she was pregnant, when she was being blackmailed into sleeping with Dirty Den, himself, the lech. In fact, Kat shared Dennis at one time with Zoe, just like she shared Ant Knee Truman. Bianca's a thief, a liar and has committed assault with a deadly weapon. She has anger issues. Kat is fundamentally dishonest.
As much as I'm down on Sharon's characterisation since her return, neither of these women are fit to wipe her boots.
Bianca's even now emotionally bullying her mother into ending a relationship with creepy Steve, her ex-probation officer. This is karma for Carol convincing Bianca to ditch Ricky and exile him from his children. If Bianca has to be manless, then so must Carol. I couldn't believe the dumbass bitch was so stupid as to tell Carol that Steve threatened her in the market. He merely told her that her new probation officer was a mate of his, and he'd told her all about Bianca - which is kinda sorta what he's supposed to do ... innit?
Carol Is Torn Between Two Wotsits.
Forced into ending her relationship with creepy Steve, she confides in Masood, who takes it upon himself to end the relationship with Steve on her behalf.
WTF?
The Steve and Carol association was a non-starter at best, and whilst I like her friendship with Masood, it's far too soon after his break-up from Zainab for him to be moving on - from the insipid Ayesha to the yoga teacher to Carol. As far as we know, Masood is a practicing Muslim, and Carol, in his religion, would be the worst kind of infidel. This is, indeed, the odd couple ...
Can't wait to see Tamwar's non-reaction.
Oh, and all the heebie-jeeby jumping about by Liam the Lunk in fear of gangabanga reprisals means only one thing ... Kane is just around the corner. Again.
I see Mowgan Le Fat got extra portions for breakfast.
Tanya Is a Substitute for a Friend, Ian Is a Friend.
I can certainly understand Ian's concern about Sharon, but Tanya wanted a good old gossip from the source at hand. Why wasn't Sharon on the phone to Michelle? Oops, forgot ... Michelle doesn't exist for this Sharon.
However, Ian struck a nerve when he mentioned what could only have been mentioned off-screen -that Jack ended it with Sharon because of something bad that Sharon had done. Sharon's face was a picture.
Observation: I find it increasingly absurd to hear 37 year-old Bianca refer to 40 year-old Jack as "Uncle Jack." Please.
Sharon and Phil: My Sharona
I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth
The north side of my town faced east, and the east was facing south
And now you dare to look me in the eye
Those crocodile tears are what you cry
It's a genuine problem, you won't try
To work it out at all you just pass it by, pass it by
The Branning version of Sharon - Bimbo Sharon or Fat Barbie - was out the window tonight. All that remained was the perma-tan, which begs one to enquire if Phil Mitchell has a tanning table somewhere upstairs in his house, because while Sharon looked bronzed, Little Lord Fauntleroy was positively pasty.
I have to say it. That's one annoying kid. Things happen in threes, and now we have a triumvirate of devils' spawns on Corrie and EastEnders, with Simon Barlow, Tiffany Butcher and now Dennis Rickman Jr. For a start, I don't know how he can see anything with that hair hanging in his eyes. Secondly, the writers clearly either don't have children or don't know anyone who does. Sharon speaks to Dennis, who's six and going on seven, like a toddler of two - and no boy his age would brook that. He's also got a teddy bear - again, boys his age are getting shot of toys like that, much less still talking to them. (Speaks volumes for Sharon the Doting Mother that she didn't seem to remember Dennis's bear's name). I know she's going to end up living with Phil. I just can't wait until Dennis finds Ben's magic tap shoes. He will put Old Ben and Spencer Moon to shame.
Anyway, Sharon seemed on the verge of an epiphany tonight, when she suddenly realised and vocalised that realisation that Phil is always there for her in her moment of need. Always there to pick up the pieces. As much as I thought that scene would end in a kiss, I'm glad it didn't. To have her jettison from Jack the Plank right away to Phil, would look like the ultimate rebound, and Phil would think so too, although he loves Sharon so much he'd take that option.
I want her to really realise she loves him ... then I want Grant to return. It's important for the numpties who are incapable of thinking critically that, besides Phil, only Peggy and Grant know what Phil said to Saint Dennis Rickman the night he died.
Think about that.
The End Is Nigh.
Of the Lexi saga, that is. Filler scenes of Lola and Billy getting Lexi for an entire night, and Lola managing to wean a doll off a stuffed tiger toy. Weaning a toy off a toy, whoda thunk it?
Substitute for a Scene, Substitute for Acting.
Joey, who was totally unintelligible tonight, and the
WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
in a pointless scene about Lauren sulking and wondering whether she should tell Tanya about the pregnancy that isn't.
I wish the pair of them would just slope off and fall down a hole - or at least shut the fuck up. He's not your boyfriend, and she's not your girlfriend, however much you say it. You're close blood relations who fuck. That's incest. It's also white trashey.
Mediocre episode, but still ... Just one more episode to go before she's back ... The Queen of the Night Returneth ...
The words just don't describe the entire predicament of most of the characters in today's episode of EastEnders; they also describe the show, itself, at the moment.
I won't stop saying it: The show is in crisis, but it's living on a substitute mentality - so much so, that another mediocre episode will be lauded by a demographic of viewers (those who started watching the show between the years 2000 to 2006 - by no means true long-term viewers), who are desperate to see a programme in freefall turn the corner and get good again.
But it isn't.
The brutal truth is that the show has been bleeding viewers for the past decade, although Diederick Santer managed to staunch the flow, short-term, by bringing back familiar characters in a recogniseable vein and by the odd bit of sensationalism. Since his departure, however, the show has been spiraling into free fall. So any scrap of evidence that the show is actually departing from bad writing, non-existent continuity, terrible acting and just a general air or terminal malaise, will be jumped upon and welcomed with open arms.
A year ago, people were banking on Sharon rescuing the show and eagerly awaiting her return in August. Then, when people realised that this Sharon was just as fucked up as Kirkwood's irredeemable Kat, the focus for hope and change rested on the mysterious figure of Ava. But she's become the Magic Negro, popping up here and there, during hours when she should be at work, solving the problems of the world. When Ava was in temporary character mode, she spoke with a posh accent and a soft voice, teaching in a leafy school which boasted a glossy brochure. Once she appeared permanently, she shrieked like a fishwife, spoke like a guttersnipe and used appalling grammar. Plus, she manages to earn £65k a year and live on a sink estate.
Now the numpties' latest hope and change figure is Ava's long-lost partner/husband/whatever, appearing, circumstantially after 20 years' absence, in her life again. Oh, goodie! Another errant father with another recalcitrant son with Daddy issues. Another long-lost relative. How original. And how unwise for Lorraine Newman to invest such capital in a character (Ava the Rava) about whom we know nothing and about whom the majority of viewers don't give a rat's arse.
Sam and the unintelligible Dexter's upcoming foibles are just a substitute for what probably was supposed to transpire between Derek and equally unintelligible Joey. Like Bimbo Sharon became a substitute drinking buddy and hypocrite for Jane with Tanya. The way Archie and Ronnie were substitutes for Den and Sharon.
Just like mediocrity has suddenly become the norm and a substitute for good in a once great show.
Jack Substitutes for a Plank of Wood.
But I'm a substitute for another guy
I look pretty tall but my heels are high
The simple things you see are all complicated
I look pretty young, but I'm just back-dated, yeah
Funny that. Jack recognises now, that he never loved Sharon, after months of pushin' her cushion, and he misses Little Lord Fauntleroy.
He misses Sharon's son.
Sharon's son.
Sharon's son!!!!!!
How about Jack missing that son of his who's two years old now and whom he hasn't seen since he was a newborn? How about Jack missing his daughter who lives across the Square and whom he actually managed to remember last week? How about he misses his oldest child, in Paris, whom he disabled?
He wonders aloud to his bruv whether or not he should call Sharon, you know, to see if she's all right; and Max invokes the Branning cowardice ethos - Best not. Hunker down. It wasn't Jack's fault.
No, it wasn't. Just like his brother, when the real object of his desire made her presence known - and not even physically, through a letter which festered unopened for days - Jack wanted that which he no longer had. He didn't even have to open Ronnie's letter. That envelope, alone, invoked a memory, just like what's going on in Max's life at the moment.
Kirsty and Max: The Substitutes' Substitutes.
Max
You think we look pretty good together
You think my shoes are made of leather
Kirsty
Substitute your lies for fact
I can see right through your plastic mac
Yeah, Max looks like the type of man who would age and devolve into a dirty old man in a plastic mac, flashing all the girls from the bushes of a park on a dark night. In other words, seedy.
Last week, Max said the unsayable to his wife, whom he thinks is pregnant. He told her to get an abortion. His paternal responsibilities lie with the three kids, two of whom are grown and spoiled rotten and entitled to the core, with Tanya. He effectively and callously told her he had no room for any more children in his life. (Kinda reminds me of the demands for no more children put out by Ian Beale, first on Laura and then on Jane).
That sort of reaction and demand from a husband should have told Kirsty one thing: Whether she has no one in her life but Max or not, she should get the hell out of that relationship, because she deserves better. Even alone and on her own, she's better off than with a loser like Max.
All Max can think to do in this situation is run off to hold Jack's hand in his hour of need, instead of talking things through with Kirsty. Surprisingly, this is one of the few genuine times in this piece where two people really do need to talk.
I don't think Kirsty is pregnant, but the general impression she gave when she showed up in Walford, was that she and Max had spent a great deal of time talking before and during their brief marriage. Now, Max doesn't want to do so. He clearly doesn't want this child, because he's been led to believe by Bimbo Barbie (Sharon) that Tanya still wants him back. He also knows that if Tanya knew about this child, she wouldn't dare want him back. although she didn't let the little matter of a child stop her from snaking Max from his first wife all those years ago.
Max could love Kirsty when they were out of sight and mind of Walford (read Tanya), just the way Max had to forfeit contact with Bradley to concentrate on his life with Tanya and their children. But Kirsty is the great unknown, and with Tanya close by, she offers what Max considers comfort and stability - the familiar in his life. Besides, he also knows that if he cheats again (and again), she'll always have him back.
Kirsty's life must be on a pretty low ebb, if her high tide is Max Branning.
The Retarded Child and the Slut.
That would be Bianca and Kat, the way they were gossiping about Sharon and cackling at Ian telling all of them off for that. Neither of these women live in glass houses, so they shouldn't throw stones.
Both have been unfaithful wives, both have been in prison. Kat is a rank slut who was regularly unfaithful to her husband. Her daughter was involved in the killing of Sharon's father, and tricked Sharon's husband-brother into believing she was pregnant, when she was being blackmailed into sleeping with Dirty Den, himself, the lech. In fact, Kat shared Dennis at one time with Zoe, just like she shared Ant Knee Truman. Bianca's a thief, a liar and has committed assault with a deadly weapon. She has anger issues. Kat is fundamentally dishonest.
As much as I'm down on Sharon's characterisation since her return, neither of these women are fit to wipe her boots.
Bianca's even now emotionally bullying her mother into ending a relationship with creepy Steve, her ex-probation officer. This is karma for Carol convincing Bianca to ditch Ricky and exile him from his children. If Bianca has to be manless, then so must Carol. I couldn't believe the dumbass bitch was so stupid as to tell Carol that Steve threatened her in the market. He merely told her that her new probation officer was a mate of his, and he'd told her all about Bianca - which is kinda sorta what he's supposed to do ... innit?
Carol Is Torn Between Two Wotsits.
Forced into ending her relationship with creepy Steve, she confides in Masood, who takes it upon himself to end the relationship with Steve on her behalf.
WTF?
The Steve and Carol association was a non-starter at best, and whilst I like her friendship with Masood, it's far too soon after his break-up from Zainab for him to be moving on - from the insipid Ayesha to the yoga teacher to Carol. As far as we know, Masood is a practicing Muslim, and Carol, in his religion, would be the worst kind of infidel. This is, indeed, the odd couple ...
Can't wait to see Tamwar's non-reaction.
Oh, and all the heebie-jeeby jumping about by Liam the Lunk in fear of gangabanga reprisals means only one thing ... Kane is just around the corner. Again.
I see Mowgan Le Fat got extra portions for breakfast.
Tanya Is a Substitute for a Friend, Ian Is a Friend.
I can certainly understand Ian's concern about Sharon, but Tanya wanted a good old gossip from the source at hand. Why wasn't Sharon on the phone to Michelle? Oops, forgot ... Michelle doesn't exist for this Sharon.
However, Ian struck a nerve when he mentioned what could only have been mentioned off-screen -that Jack ended it with Sharon because of something bad that Sharon had done. Sharon's face was a picture.
Observation: I find it increasingly absurd to hear 37 year-old Bianca refer to 40 year-old Jack as "Uncle Jack." Please.
Sharon and Phil: My Sharona
I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth
The north side of my town faced east, and the east was facing south
And now you dare to look me in the eye
Those crocodile tears are what you cry
It's a genuine problem, you won't try
To work it out at all you just pass it by, pass it by
The Branning version of Sharon - Bimbo Sharon or Fat Barbie - was out the window tonight. All that remained was the perma-tan, which begs one to enquire if Phil Mitchell has a tanning table somewhere upstairs in his house, because while Sharon looked bronzed, Little Lord Fauntleroy was positively pasty.
I have to say it. That's one annoying kid. Things happen in threes, and now we have a triumvirate of devils' spawns on Corrie and EastEnders, with Simon Barlow, Tiffany Butcher and now Dennis Rickman Jr. For a start, I don't know how he can see anything with that hair hanging in his eyes. Secondly, the writers clearly either don't have children or don't know anyone who does. Sharon speaks to Dennis, who's six and going on seven, like a toddler of two - and no boy his age would brook that. He's also got a teddy bear - again, boys his age are getting shot of toys like that, much less still talking to them. (Speaks volumes for Sharon the Doting Mother that she didn't seem to remember Dennis's bear's name). I know she's going to end up living with Phil. I just can't wait until Dennis finds Ben's magic tap shoes. He will put Old Ben and Spencer Moon to shame.
Anyway, Sharon seemed on the verge of an epiphany tonight, when she suddenly realised and vocalised that realisation that Phil is always there for her in her moment of need. Always there to pick up the pieces. As much as I thought that scene would end in a kiss, I'm glad it didn't. To have her jettison from Jack the Plank right away to Phil, would look like the ultimate rebound, and Phil would think so too, although he loves Sharon so much he'd take that option.
I want her to really realise she loves him ... then I want Grant to return. It's important for the numpties who are incapable of thinking critically that, besides Phil, only Peggy and Grant know what Phil said to Saint Dennis Rickman the night he died.
Think about that.
The End Is Nigh.
Of the Lexi saga, that is. Filler scenes of Lola and Billy getting Lexi for an entire night, and Lola managing to wean a doll off a stuffed tiger toy. Weaning a toy off a toy, whoda thunk it?
Substitute for a Scene, Substitute for Acting.
Joey, who was totally unintelligible tonight, and the
WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
in a pointless scene about Lauren sulking and wondering whether she should tell Tanya about the pregnancy that isn't.
I wish the pair of them would just slope off and fall down a hole - or at least shut the fuck up. He's not your boyfriend, and she's not your girlfriend, however much you say it. You're close blood relations who fuck. That's incest. It's also white trashey.
Mediocre episode, but still ... Just one more episode to go before she's back ... The Queen of the Night Returneth ...
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