The End of Tanya Was All About Tanya: Review - 28.06.2013

For the biggest hypocrite ever seen in Walford:-

This one's for YOU.

Well, that's it, folks. She's gone. And you know something? I was wrong? Oh, not wrong about Tanya, who was one of the most hypocritical, unlikeable women ever to grace the Square, but I was wrong about her leaving line, and for that, I take my hat off to Simon Ashdown.

He had the majority of viewers convinced that Tanya's exit would be all about Lauren, when this episode proved not only that Tanya remains an abject hypocrite, who's learned nothing from her foibles of the past, but that she still puts herself and her needs first. 

She is easily the worst mother in Walford. She doesn't understand that the father of her children has rights and a say in those children's welfare. She didn't realise that when she was about to break the law and abscond with them to France courtesy of Brer Jack, and she doesn't understand that now. Tanya's front for leaving Walford was to check Lauren into a drying-out clinic (more about that later), but the real reason was  to get away from Max and, once again, to establish herself as the good cop in her children's affections, as opposed to the bad cop that Max was supposed to be. Always.

The supreme irony of this entire situation was Max, for once, is pig in the middle of two desperate, needy, doormat women, both of whom are nothing more than poor white trash liars. Yep, Kirsty lied about the pregnancy, but Tanya was lying right up to the end. In the very end, she couldn't even tell Lauren to her face that she was leaving to put her in the clinic. Max had to do that. I suppose that makes him the big bad wolf again.

And so much for Tanya cleaving herself to Lauren and getting thick as hair on a dog's back with her again (which was a great deal of Lauren's problem anyway, that she was spoiled and mollycoddled by her mother, who undermined her father's attempts at parenting), Lauren will be back in August. Alone. Without Tanya. And with a new set of highlights in her hair. I guess the drying-out clinic must do a sideline in permatan and hair colouring like the educational tour to Costa Rica did with Abi, this to cover up Jacqueline Jossa's big adventure in Mexico.

So if Lauren - who, in Tanya's opinion, clung to her instead of Max - is so attached to Mummy Dearest, why does she return to Walford and Tanya doesn't? My guess would be that Tanya's turned those cow eyes and that sweet girl routine she does so well onto some wealthy doctor at the clinic, and he's set her up in a love nest nearby - maybe even left his wife for the poor, needy little single mum who had to sell her business to fund her daughter's treatment.

That's the first hint of things to come: She's selling Booty, which means the rumours of Rachel Bright leaving the show are probably true, and I can't grieve for that. The YOOF cast needs culling, and Poopy-La-Dim and Fatboy are top of the list of irrelevant characters. There's just so much sweetness and light a person can take from Poppy, and I can't figure out why she was even brought back. In the year since her return, they've done nothing to develop her character past the dimwit TOWIE wannabe she is. The same goes for Ajay. He could fall through a pothole in the Square and not be missed by anyone, even his brother.

This episode encapsulated Tanya's faults to the nth degree. In fact, the beginning of the end occurred on Tuesday, with the discussion with the hepatologist. Tanya was lying then. She opted to speak to the doctor without waiting for Max, which was wrong. Max is Lauren's father. He has a right to know about her health issues and how they can be resolved. The doctor recommended residential care, because she was astute, and could see that the Brannings were dysfunctional, but she was just as judgemental of Tanya as Max. Tanya called the clinic immediately, without waiting to consult Max. In fact, she was in the process of doing so, when he returned to the hospital, and she immediately lied to him, saying she was calling him.

Tanya's a great one for plotting behind Max's back - plotting to take the kids to Europe to live, and now plotting to take everyone to Exeter to be with Lauren whilst she receives treatment and recuperates.

Sorry, I'm lost here.

When a person goes into residential care to recover from an addiction, the last thing that's wanted is family hanging around, especially Tanya hanging around whatever ward Lauren's on, wringing her hands and saying "Awright, dahlin'?" every five minutes and offering little titbits of information to the staff here and there, whilst eyeing up whatever dishy doctor seems to be on duty. Another thing, Lauren is 19 years old. That means she's an adult. Surely, Lauren will have to consent to this procedure, unless she's sectioned as a danger to herself?

As well, I recall when Stacey Slater was sectioned, Jean didn't remove herself physically from Walford to be at Stacey's constant beck-and-call. Often, the family situation is contributory to the addict's addiction - Peggy and Phil were toxic for one another until Peggy suddenly decided to wash her hands of her fiftysomething son and leave him to it; Dot and Nick were another toxic combination.

When the doctor recommended residential care for Lauren, she meant that Lauren needed to be removed from her home environment, which was the prime cause for her drinking dependency. That means removal from a mother who uses drink as a crutch, whom Lauren's seen recently so hung over she didn't remember sleeping with Phil Mitchell; that means removal from a grandmother who keeps a permanent alcoholic buzz going; that means having a family history of an aunt who's a recovering alcoholic, who voluntarily removed herself from contact with her mother and sister because they encouraged her drinking behaviour. 

That means removal from an unintelligible asshole lug of a cousin, who thinks it's OK to fuck your cousin and who she allegedly loved so much that his rejection of her led her to double down on drinking. Lauren's latest drinking brouhaha concerns Joey's dumping her - nothing more, nothing less. Her last words out of the house were a plea for Abi to tell Joey what had happened.

Where is Max in all of this? Of course, he's not a saint, but far too often, Max has been made to pay doubly for his sins, when Tanya's got away scotfree. Lauren ran over Max because, ultimately, he had an affair with Stacey, but do Lauren and Abi even realise that Max was married to Rachel and Bradley was about Oscar's age, when Tanya decided she was entitled to Max?

Tanya says Lauren needs to be with her. Well, no, she doesn't. Tanya is the last person with whom Lauren needs to be. These people are acting as though Lauren's drink addiction is something recent, when they've had strong evidence of this for sometime. Even before Kirsty arrived on the scene. 

• Lauren drank with Billie and provided him with the bottle of vodka which ended his life.
• Tanya encouraged Lauren to drink during their "bonding" period when she had her cancer cold. In fact, Tanya thinks Lauren looked after her. She didn't. Tanya was so caught up in her own self-pity that she never once thought of the pressure she put a 17 year-old kid under in keeping her cancer cold a secret. The final straw was when she and Lauren (Lauren illegally) got drunk in the Vic and had to be told off by Carol.
• Lauren was drinking heavily when her 18th birthday arrived. Cora had to drag her, drunk, out of the Vic. Cora then rewarded her own efforts by pouring herself a hefty portion of Max's Scotch. Tanya met them at the door with an oversized glass of wine in her hand.
• Lauren was drinking heavily when she went uptown with Lucy Beale, who genuinely did try to stop her and help her, but all she got was the rough side of Mummy Dearest's tongue.
• Lauren was drunk on New Year's Day 2012 and at Pat's funeral.

All of the above was well before Kirsty arrived on the scene and at the end of the day, Lauren drank because she liked it. She'd seen her mother, her aunt and her grandmother hoist a bottle to their lips and figured if they could do it, then so could she. But at the end of the day, the last person with whom Lauren, at nineteen, needs to be around is Tanya. Seriously. Unless Tanya's made to acknowledge her addiction whilst Lauren's at this clinic, and wouldn't that be a turn-up for the books? Lauren returns to Walford with Oscar, dried out, and Tanya's in the clinic in a padded room, seeing pink elephants flying through the sky and moaning, "Max, Max, please 'elp me."

But Tanya's main plan - which she hasn't shared with anyone but Cora - was to ferret her children out of Walford in the dead of night (which comes quickly, like drunkenness in Albert Square), without a word to Max. She's selling her business, goodness knows how Cora the Bora, who has an aversion to paying rent, would have coped with paying rent to Jack, and she's going. The joke of everything is that she hasn't even told any of the kids - not Abi, who accidentally happened to find this out, and certainly not Lauren, for whom this "sacrifice" is being made.

But then, it's not really about Lauren, is it? It's about Tanya. Which is precisely why she hasn't told Max, because this is the one way she can figuratively kick Max in the balls. Remember that, at the time Abi found out that Tanya was planning to leave, Tanya didn't know that Kirsty wasn't pregnant, so in effect, Tanya was doing a version of what Rachel did to Max, only instead of forbidding Max to see Bradley, Tanya was removing the kids to a place far away where Max couldn't see them. Because this is all Max's fault ...innit?

Or so Tanya believes. Or so she wants to believe.

Kudos to Abi for sticking up for principles. Max does deserve to know what Tanya's planning on  doing, and Abi as well, flat out refused to go, under any circumstances. Furthermore, when Max arrived at the door, Abi demanded that Tanya tell Max, but she didn't. Tanya lied again.

The scene in the kitchen made it evident that this escape route was all about Tanya and less about Lauren. Running away like that meant that Tanya didn't have to stay and watch Max play happy families with his current wife and new (non-existent) child; but when she found out there was no child, her anger was directed more at her and her bruised pride, than at Max. But she lied again. To Abi this time. And that's when Abi told Max what he needed to know.

Tanya's entire adult life has been a lie. Caught up in Max's lies about his marital status, thinking herself entitled to a married man, ensnaring a psychologically vulnerable young man into bed with her, hoping to get him to help her murder Max and then cop the blame for it whilst she went on the run - too good to hope that murder attempt would be mentioned.

Yet the lowest thing Tanya did was to tell Abi a bare-faced lie about having told Max her plan ...

Your dad's all right about it.

No, he wasn't. And all those pithy excuses about Max not wanting this treatment yadda yadda, well maybe if Max had heard the options from a health professional, he'd have understood. She was even going to lie to Lauren, telling her they were going away for the weekend to "somewhere peaceful". She'd paper over the cracks later, probably when she was signing the admission forms for Lauren, who'd be led away, kicking and screaming. The thing about an addict is for them to be cured, they have to want help themselves and ask for it. As yet, Lauren hasn't even acknowledged that she's an alcoholic. Just Thursday, which was earlier in the day for this final Tanya episode, Lauren was adamant that she just drank too much and got sick, that she only wanted one more drink, that the "one-more-drink-could-kill-you" admonition was a scare device.

The climax of the episode came in the confrontation between Tanya and Max in the lounge of the Branning home. After heaping all the blame on Max's affairs (which Lauren always seemed to find out about) and her cancer, for Lauren's problems, she somehow blamed Bradley's death on Max? How? Bradley died because Max had an affair with Stacey?

Max had the affair with Stacey, when Stacey and Bradley weren't a couple. Stacey initiated the relationship, and when Stax was brought to light, Bradley divorced Stacey. But then the relationship resumed. Bradley died because his murdering slut of a wife had killed Archie Mitchell, and they were fleeing Walford because the web of discovery was tightening around them, and he was copping the blame for her act. That's why Bradley died. Nothing to do with Max.

Yet the climax was actually hearing Tanya admit to Max that this escape was more about her than about Lauren, that she, in fact, was addicted to Max. She couldn't live with him, and she couldn't live without him. She's convinced that, were they to reconcile, he'd be up to his tricks in no time. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. Max's extra-marital affairs have seemed to lessen in the past couple of years. He was faithful to Tanya and didn't once stray when she couldn't have intercourse whilst recovering, and when he ultimately reconciled with Kirsty, he was faithful to her.

Another good scene was Max's time with Lauren, helping her to pack. I'm glad they had this moment together, and that it was Max who exposed Tanya's lies, but not in a malicious way, to Lauren, explaining how frightened Tanya was for her. I'm also glad that Lauren told Max that she loved him - even though she, too, tried to kill him. She's shown Max far too little respect in the past few years and has been encouraged to do so by her mother. It was a classic moment when Lauren told Tanya that she'd packed some "extra" clothing.

And, finally, the fact that Cora-the-Bora thought that Tanya was "the best of the lot," must mean the rest of them are in a deep vat of shit. Oh yes, I won't miss the way Tanya simpers and says "yeeeeee-aah."

Enter Kirsty, another liar.

Max was at Tanya's a matter of minutes before Kirsty had managed to get herself plastered. She could have remedied one lie with another by saying she'd lost the baby, but kudos to her for owning up to the truth. And the truth was that Max came out of that situation looking like a prize pillock. It seemed that he only stayed with her once he knew, or thought he knew, she was pregnant. Even then, he wasn't certain - first telling her to get an abortion, then relenting and saying he wanted to be with her. Even now, when he dumped her - and her lie was, indeed, a dumpable offence, he's still telling her he has feelings for her. Remember that's what caused Tanya to throw a wobbly and kick Max out when Max got Kirsty to sign the divorce papers and leave Walford the first time.

So it's much the same old same old with Max - still wanting to be with Tanya, but having feelings for Kirsty. Kirsty's lie was low, but Tanya's lies were lower, and the way Tanya and Cora treated her when she turned up on the doorstep only indicated to me that there but for the grace of God go Tanya and Cora in their time. Kirsty is the rough edge of Tanya, the sink estate queen she tries to hide.

Keep in mind that Max still has feelings for Kirsty, and Carl White will be the conduit by which Max is eventually reconciled with her. Watch this space.

But still, Tanya's laid her claim to Max - he's hers, no matter who comes along. Does that mean she'll return? I don't think she will. Jo Joyner's exhausted the character, has no respect left for her and says she's an abysmal parent. Best that Tanya leave and not return. She's not a stand-alone character, and, yes, we get it, she'll always love Max. Max gave up an entire family for Tanya, whereas he'd been divorced and exiled when he found and coupled with Kirsty.

The fact that Tanya looked back at the end, isn't indicative of the fact that she'll return. Return to what? To reunite with Max only to break up once again? The only reason she really actually did leave him was the fact that he went bankrupt, not because he was having an affair. She's gone, and the fact that she didn't get Julia's Theme means nothing. It simply means she wasn't really that important a character in the long run. Zainab? Yes, she was the heart and sould of the Masood family, and they've been nothing without her; but take Tanya away, and you still have Max, the girls, Carol, Joey (puke) and Alice, and Jack for the time being.

With Tanya's departure and Jack's impending one, it's time for the Brannings, as a family and as a force forced upon the viewer, to take a backseat, although I'm sure that Lauren with the tan and highlighted hair will be symbolic of the new, all-loving, all-caring, unselfish Lauren that we're all supposed to love and root for. I hope Max gets what Jake Wood wants for him - being single for a long while. 

I hope this departure of this sublimely irritating, annoying and unlikeable character marks the beginning of the end of the Branning empire.

Things happen in threes - Derek, Tanya and next Jack.

Tanya Week: The Little Red Hen - Review: 27.06.2013

Yes, it was a good episode. Yes, Simon Ashdown wrote it. Yes, he is a good writer. 

And, yes, it's time for him to fly.

Why?

Because he only invests himself in the Branning family, and they are not EastEnders. They're not even classic EastEnders. They're newcomers, upstarts, poor white trash scrubbed up to pretend they're middle class aspirants.

Yes, Ashdown's a good writer, and he writes well for the Brannings, as he did tonight; but I blame him for trying to make Sharon, an original and possibly the most iconic character, apart from Den Watts, to appear in the programme, and made her a B-list Branning satellite ... just to validate these losers.

Because that's what the episode showed the lot of them to be tonight: losers.

Yes, we want flawed characters at the centre of the action. This is what makes them human; but we don't want abject losers, which is what the Brannings are.

Jack is leaving shortly. Tanya leaves tomorrow. But Ashdown remains.

And so does the worst of the lot ... Joey.

Karma, Meet Fat Arse.

Do EastEnders use trick photography or air-brushing or something? Because I can't understand why Tanya, in an episode earlier this week, had fat - and I mean plump - knees, and she's always had thick ankles, when in this episode she had legs that would rival Bag O'Bones Beale's sticks.

Ne'mind ... This episode exemplified, for all who ever had any doubts, Tanya's tragic flaw - the inability to recognise karma for her past actions.

Lest anyone forget, Tanya was 18 when she met Max, who was married and had a child. They began an affair. Fair enough, Tanya didn't know Max was married at first; but when she did realise this, did she back off? Did she, bollocks! As Max, himself said, back in 2007, when she found out he was married, she doubled-down her efforts to bag him. Something about his white-collar job and getting her off her sink estate, I believe.

Ever since then, she's been having her past puke in her face, but she's been too arrogant to realise it. Max's first wife, Rachel, warned her that Tanya would one day "be" Rachel, that another sweet and pretty young thing would be having it off with Max behind Tanya's back. That "thing" (who wasn't sweet and wasn't pretty, if you can call a piglet pretty) was Stacey Slater. Stacey was the eighteen year-old who was banging Max.

But, you see, that was Max's fault. Even though Stacey seduced him initially to get back at Bradley for dumping her.

Tanya had a bried epiphany back in 2011, when she had her cancer cold, and she started wittering on about this illness was the price she had to pay for taking a father away from his child, but that didn't last long either. (In that lame excuse of a storyline, engineered to get the viewing public to like Tanya again, they failed to mention that cervical cancer can come about as a result of promiscuity, and Tanya's certainly a candidate for that.).

Since she's been on the Square, she's slept with Max, Sean Slater, Jack, Greg Jessop and Max again. Max and Jack, alone, would have been classified as walking STI's.

Now, she can't see something that's staring her right in the face, and this is something that TPTB have failed to exploit: Lauren's problems with drink do come from Tanya, all right; but they also come from Cora and Rainie. I'm surprised the hepatologist at the hospital didn't ask about drink consumption or a family history of alcoholism. Of course, Tanya would lie.

This episode saw Tanya, in my opinion, at her worst. Whatever the problem, no matter what bad happens, it always turns out to be Max's fault. Max is the one who's shut out of things, Max is the one who's exiled, Max is the one who's told just "to go." When Max is actually the better parent.

That doesn't mean the Brannings are brilliant parents. They're not. In fact, I'd go as far to say that Tanya is probably one of the worst mothers on the Square. She's selfish (as is Max) and she often puts her needs and desires before those of her children (as does Max). She also is incapable of showing equanimity amongst her kids, so that someone always feels that someone else is being favoured.

When the Brannings originally came to Walford, it was established that Abi had the bond with Max, and Lauren had the bond with Tanya. Now it seems to have gone the opposite way. But all in all, Tanya has sought to be the good cop, the "friend" for her daughters, rallying up with them against their father, even when the kids or she is in the wrong. Remember Tanya's last affair with Max, the one which split her and Greg up? That was Max's fault too, and Tanya stood by mutely while Lauren and Abi bullied Max into leaving Walford.

Tanya's doing the same now - laying down the law to Max, forbidding him to see or do anything for Lauren. Max is right. Lauren is his daughter too, and he wants to particpate in helping her get better, but nooooooooooo.

Tanya has to be the Little Red Hen. The Little Red Hen couldn't trust anyone to do anything, so she did everything herself. And make no mistake, Tanya blames all the tension in their relationship, which is affecting Lauren, on Max; when Max is the one who's actually being reasonable and wanting to help. Instead, Tanya keeps pushing him back to concentrate only on Kirsty.

Let's look at the situation once more. Tanya's sister is a full-on alcoholic and drug addict. She's admitted her problem and sought help through AA. She's recognised that her mother and Tanya encourage her behaviour and removed herself from the situation. Cora is a functional alcoholic. She's got a constant buzz on and can't go a day without a drink. Her remark that Lauren didn't look TOO bad was half convincing herself that excess drink doesn't lead to this situation. In fact, I'm surprised Cora the Bora is still alive or even has a liver that functions.

Don't forget that late last year, whilst wallowing in self-pity about The Magic Negro's rejection of her, Cora was necking whiskey with Lauren, knowing that Lauren had a propensity to drink. And  Cora actually plied an underaged Abi with booze one afternoon when she was left in charge of her. Her attitude? That's not so bad, Tanya had done worse at her age.

And then there's Tanya. Tanya, who's never seen without a wineglass or looking for an excuse to have a drink. She drinks to celebrate, she drinks when she's sad. She drinks when she's lonely or bored. Jane provided a good front for her drinking to excess, and she even cracked open the wine just to do The Magic Negro's nails.

Lauren's problem is an acquired behavioral problem, and leaving her with Tanya or Cora is the worst thing that she could do. Max drinks, but rarely do we see Max drunk.

The way she was pushing Max away in this episode was totally in her selfish nature. She's not even told him that she's been in touch with this clinic, nor has she told Abi. As the hepatologist explained the expense involved, I'm guessing Max is going to be expected to fork up for Lauren's stay in this place.

Scene of the night with Tanya, when she was running through the market and tripped on her marital aid shoes, which she happened to leave on the bar of the Vic. Either Roxy will appropriate those or someone will call 'Elf'n Safety.

Max was totally right in his assessment of the situation with Lauren: Five minutes he leaves her with Tanya and she turns up in the Vic, demanding a drink. Tanya couldn't even be bothered to cancel an appointment with her so-called financial advisor regarding the Salon which never seems to have any clientele, and, instead, left a seventeen year-old in charge of a sister determined to get a drink.

Oh, and another thing ... that so-called bunch of prescriptions she had for Lauren looked curiously as though they were written on a scrap of paper torn from a notepad. Surely there would have been more than one page and a script for each medication, and why didn't she give Lola money to pay for the stuff?

Naughty naughty, Simon.

Who Feels Sorry for Lauren?

No, that's not Lauren; that's Linda Ronstadt, who has more talent in her little finger than Jacqueline Jossa has in her entire body. 

THE. SECOND. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.

Let's get one thing straight about Lauren. She's been drinking since she was fourteen years old. Remember Jane's hen night when she and Lucy Beale raided the alcoholic punch? Then remember wise old Uncle Jack serving a fourteen year-old Lauren and Peter Beale alcopops before the R and R was opened for the evening?

You can dish out all the excuses you want, but Lauren drinks because she wants to drink. Because she likes it. She doesn't drink to escape from Max's and Tanya's charades. Goodness knows, she's seen enough of that shit before. But she'll use this as a convenient excuse.

In fact, she's got the making of a real EastEnders victim, usually a female, and her behaviour in this episode exemplified this. Lauren's been drinking on the sly for years. She was drinking seriously when Billie died - in fact, it was Lauren who presented him with a bottle of vodka for his birthday. She only started drinking seriously when Tanya confided in her about her cancer cold, then took her to the pub to tie one on. In the presence of Carol, who tried to stop this.

In vino veritas, or rather, one's true nature comes out under the influence of drink, or when one is desperate for a drink. Lauren is, by nature, a selfish, self-centred and not a very nice girl. She is the epitome of two selfish parents. And, like her mother before her, nothing is ever her fault.

First of all, why is she out of hospital after only a couple of days? Hepatitis is a serious illness, and it takes weeks from which to recover. Also, according to the NHS website, excessive drinking doesn't factor in the causes. You can look at the link here. Hepatitis A is caused by poor hygiene, basically by needle-sharing as drug addicts (the sort of hepatitis Nick Cotton had) or by eating food prepared by someone who's hygiene isn't all that great. (Cora, anyone?)

There is such a thing as alcoholic hepatitis, which, I would imagine, Lauren has. But that's not hepatitis A as such. Still, it takes weeks to recuperate from this and someone will surely have to spend more than just two days in hospital.

Secondly, Lauren is blaming everyone but herself for her drinking problem. First, she picks up on Tanya's admonitions to Max about the tension between the two of them. She's right about what she says - one is just as bad as the other, but Tanya takes that as a clue to shut the door, metaphorically and literally, on Max. But Max was well out of the picture when Lauren started drinking seriously, and Max and Tanya were on exceptionally good terms when she went on that binge with Bag O'Bones Beale last year.

I think the real reason she's the way she is is down to Joey. He dumped her. She can't fuck her cousin - her cousin - and so she's acting out. Every time she's on the right track, she catches sight of Joey. Goes for a meal with Peter Beale, sees Joey with Lucy. Bingo. Starts to drink. Catches sight of Joey leaving her house ... Bingo again. Has to find him.

Now, it's Lucy's fault she's like she is, blaming Lucy for not stopping her getting into a car with a "disgusting bloke", when Lucy knew she couldn't stop her. She couldn't stop her a year ago, why would she stop her now? Then Carol takes the rap - not her fault about Billie, and she was thoughtless in her rant to Carol.

It didn't take long for Jossa to revert to her party piece - shouting her lines, talking in a funny voice, waving her arms about, gurning. A real alcoholic would be begging for a drink. Lauren is weak, but she's still strong enough to fend off Joey and Carol, who isn't exactly petite.

As for Joey, how thick is he supposed to be? Max explained, chapter and verse, the necessity of him staying away from Lauren, but as long as he's in Walford and hanging around, she'll see him, and want to drink again.

Face it. The only reasons Lauren drinks are because she likes it, and because Joey's dumping her gave her all the more reason to drown herself in self-pity.

The Non-Baby.

Sometimes, EastEnders does best when it understates a situation. Yes, Kirsty's predicament took back seat to the drama that was Lauren, but it did get the duff-duff. 

Max has had four children, and he's been with two women, of whom he's observed pregnancy symptoms. Kirsty first admitted she was pregnant - when? - in March? She would be well into her fourth or fifth month by now. No bump, and regular periods, necessitating tampon purchases. Max must have been blind to all that, not to mention her adversity to going for a scan.

Saint Kat to the rescue ... Kat's the go-to woman now on the Square, and as much as I hate Newman's insistance that Kat naturally step into the shoes vacated by Pat, I do like her friendship with Kirsty - moreso than that with Bianca.

Once again, however, the negative pregnancy test was well into the rubbish bag before Max littered it all over the flat in a fit of pique. Why didn't she just shove it back into the bag, instead of holding in her hand, especially in a way that Max could see? Once again, Kat was right. Weeks ago, she should have admitted to having a miscarriage, and all this would have been history. Still, the shit's gotta hit the fan sometime.

The Village Idiot.

Bianca. She certainly fancies herself. And what a judge of character, thinking Carl White, criminal, ex-con and ex-drug addict, would make a good date for her. Loved the way he knocked her back. She should have fallen on her mangy arse, but she didn't. More's the pity.

I Am Ill

Although I've watched the episode, the review will appear tomorrow. I'm not well this evening.

Same Shit Younger Skin

So dirty Whitney the Walford Bike, victim of child sexual abuse is going to get hot and steamy under wraps with Joey the Tadpole, son of Toad, mouth-breather and unintelligible lump, hired for looks only.

Been there, done that?

Why, they're just a smoother-skinned, younger version of Kat Slutter, victim of child sexual abuse and Derek Branning, father of Joey, with whom Joey shares more characteristics than he'd care to admit.

Oh, and just like Kat, Whitney cheats on a Moon boy.

I hear Kat, who's become the resident wannabe Pat-in-Training counsellor on the Square in Newman's desperate attempt to redeem her, will offer solace and advice to Whitney as her protogee.

'Ere, dahlin'. Just tell'im yer love'im and that yer can't 'elp yerself. Just say yer a dirty gel, 'e'll understand. Just don't say anyfink is yer fault. Make'im fink it's 'is fault.

That's right. Always play the victim card and never ... never admit you were to blame.

What's that saying about cooking cabbages twice?

Same shit, different day, younger skin.

Tanya Week: It's ALL About Me (Tanya) - Review: 25.06.2013

Straight into the review tonight ...

MeMeMeMeMeMeMe ...

Tanya's theme song:-

Although Tanya's leaving line may be all about Lauren, ultimately, this week is an exercise in all things Tanya and why she's such an appalling human being. 

Tonight, we saw her at her utmost worst - as well as her putrid mother, and her abysmal daughter, Abi the Dough-Faced Girl.

I'm going to say it again. And again. And again.

As well as this programme is doing this public service with this all-too-relevant storyline, they're really not doing it justice; because Lauren's affinity with drink is virtually hereditary; and if it isn't, it's certainly an acquired behaviour. Learned from her mother, her aunt and her grandmother.

Rainie is an admitted alcoholic and has been since her teens. She's only just acknowledged it and is in a recovery period via AA; but she's recognised that her condition is encouraged and exacerbated by her mother's behaviour and her sister's behaviour.

Cora the Bora is a functional alcoholic. She, also, has been drinking since she was a teenager. Most likely, she was three sheets to the wind and then some when she conceived The Magic Negro. She was five months pregnant with Tanya and drinking when she married her husband. Cora is the sort of drunk who always has to have a buzz on, so a bottle of booze is never far away, close by enough for her to take the odd nip here and there to get her through the day. She tops it off in the evening. She was drunk on New Year's Day, going to and during Derek's funeral. She is never without booze and openly misses it when it isn't around.

Just a couple of weeks ago, Cora was having a moan, propping up the bar at the Vic and whingeing because Tanya had forbidden drink at the house because of Lauren. Cora was pissing-puke drunk at Tanya's hen night. She was drinking whilst babysitting Oscar, when he fell down the stairs. For all she criticised Dot tonight for upsetting Abi, it was putrid old Cora who, earlier in the year - knowing Lauren had a problem with drink - who was necking whiskey at Dot's house with Lauren. Even before that, she got an underaged Abi drunk one afternoon a couple of years ago.

In 2012, on Lauren's birthday, Cora the Bora hauled her, drunk, from the Vic, only to reward herself with a generous glassful of Max's best Scotch when she'd accomplished her mission.

Then there's Yummy Mummy.

Tanya uses drink as a crutch. Anything is an excuse to crack open a bottle of wine. A birthday celebration, a wedding, doing Ava's nails. When she's happy, she drinks. When she's sad, she reaches for the bottle. When she's bored, she drinks. When she's lonely, a bottle of wine is her best friend. Her friendship with Jane was based on how much of a front Jane could give her for her drinking. Drinking with Jane meant she never had to drink alone.

Let's not forget how, when Tanya, in a swathe of self-pity during her cancer cold scare, went on a drinking binge with Lauren, then underage, at the Vic, only to be told off by Carol. And earlier this year, Tanya was so drunk, she didn't even remember going to bed with Phil Mitchell.

So, yes ...a lot of Lauren's drink-associated behaviour was learned in the home.

Tonight was a night of home truths for Tanya and also for Max, but in the end, this was all about Tanya facing up to what had happened to Lauren and how she had ignored what was happening. And in the end, what she had learned was too late for Lauren and for herself as a parent.

Of course, a study of Tanya would be nothing without mentioning the crux of her life - her relationship with Max. That was made blatantly obvious from the beginning of the episode tonight, with the shot of Max, comfortingly, placing his hand on Tanya's fat knee as they sat in the hospital.

Even though they were undoubtedly worried about Lauren, Tanya made it no secret that she was just as annoyed by the reminder that Max was no longer married to her, when he took a phonecall from Kirstie. This is what's really needling Tanya.

Let's remind ourselves that Tanya had an affair with Max, when she was married to Greg Jessop. Romped the beds with Max whilst "Bob the Builder" babysat Oscar. And when the couple was caught out, Tanya did what Tanya always did - blamed Max for the affair to the extent that their daughters did what they always do in such circumstances: stamp their feet and demand that Max leave Walford. Like forever.

So Max, a free man, met and married Kirstie; and later, when Max couldn't deny that he still had feelings for Kirstie, Tanya made him leave, resolving to make it on her own without him. And in doing that, she did what she always did under such circumstances as well - cut Max out of his children's daily life entirely - unless there was some sort of bill to pay. So the girls were encouraged to disrespect Max, but demand money from him as and when they needed it.

And Tanya was at it again tonight, snidely suggesting that Max go home to his wife and leave her to tend to Lauren.

The initial scene with the hepatologist was brilliant, watching Tanya, more than Max, decompensate in front of a medical professional who was able to see, without commenting, exactly what Lauren's from whence Lauren's real addiction problem stemmed. Neither Max nor Tanya could or would say how long they'd been aware of Lauren's problem. Lauren's been drinking off and on since she was fourteen. But Max seriously recognised a problem in late 2011/early 2012, when he had to ferry her home from the Vic on New Year's Day and later when she got stinking drunk at Pat's funeral. There have been several occasions when her parents have despaired of her drinking, none more than when she ended up in hospital in the Spring of 2012, having been taken there by Lucy Beale on a night out.

Of the two, Tanya was more despicable, in vying for the hepatologist's sympathy ... I'ad cancer, see ... and then bitchily pointing out that Max and his new wife were expecting a baby. I'm glad the hepatologist was savvy and brave enough to suggest openly that neither Tanya's home nor Max's would be a stable environment for Lauren in aftercare.

Later, she was astute enough to suggest that, like Rainie, Lauren wouldn't benefit from being in a family environment, supported by people who loved her ... Cora whining that she needed a drink, are you kidding? And, instead, suggesting a drying-out clinic - in her words, far away. So now we know Tanya's leaving line, because Lauren goes with her on Friday. But we know Lauren returns, so maybe Tanya's drying out permanently.

Easily the creepiest and at once the strongest scene of this storyline occurred when Lauren had returned from her scan and Max had been despatched home summarily to pick up some "things" for Lauren. When the doctor suggested waiting for Lauren's dad in order to discuss Lauren's condition and treatment options, Tanya went full steam ahead and wanted to talk about it there and then. The creepy bit came when she was alone with Lauren, and she started emotionally manipulating her, a sick kid, possibly dying, and there's Yummy Mummy, begging for validation.

C'mon, Lauren, I'm the good cop, we get along, Lauren, we've always got along, we've never really fallen out ...

And then the clincher, which did, indeed, clinch it for Lauren ...

When I'ad me cancer, you was the only one I could trust wiv the secret, you was there for me, now let me be there for you.

All this blathering delivered to a kid who was in humongous pain, who was tired, scared and sick. Lauren's words that shut Tanya's fat mouth were simple, but powerful.

Mum ... I'm tired.

We're tired too, of the hypocrite known as Tanya.

And of her foul mother as well. Her behaviour toward Dot was despicable, especially considering she was the cause of Dot almost being made homeless and has done nothing but dis her and utter rancorous remarks levelled at Dot. Dot was not annoying Abi; Dot was pitching some home truths to Cora about drinking. Yes, Dot has the odd sherry, but it's nothing compared to the sessions Cora's pulled. I hate this old bag, and I hope she soon rots up and goes.

Nobody's Baby

Kirstie's song ...

Her baby is nobody's baby, because it doesn't exist. Well, it might, because she's one day over her time; but if her period comes on, she will be nobody's baby by Friday. Except maybe, Carl's.

My question is this ... if she's one day over her period, why not truck on over to the Minute Mart and buy a home pregnancy test? That's too simple a question. She also needs to comb her hair. As much as Lucy's eyes are annoying, Kirstie's tangled hair is equally so.

She's resisting Carl at the moment, but I wonder how soon she's falling back on him again, literally and figuratively. My guess is sometime within the next couple of weeks, and sooner rather than later, the relationship will turn abusive again. You heard it here first, folks, one of Carl's functions is to be the catalyst that reunites, yes, Max and Kirstie.

Max is a sucker for a damsel in distress. Especially if she'a an estranged wife.

And Now for the Shitty Bits

Running on Empty.

That would be the shit we saw with Alfie and Ajay.

Coupled with a self-confession ...

Ain't She Sweet? Short Answer: NO!

This is not the song of Abi the Dough-Faced Girl:-

I've put these two together because they lead into one another. First of all, let me dispense with Ajay, because he simply is dispensible.

Ajay should go. He should go now. He should not pass go, nor collect £200. He's another pointless character who is a joke, who has had no development and who was only hired to fill and ethnic quota. Oh, they've tarted him up by making  him a non-Muslim Muslim, who drinks beer and eats sausages. He's tactless and stupid, and his remark about Lauren being green was puerile and disgusting.

Let's be honest: The remaning Masoods should just call it a day, because when Zainab left, the rest were left as lifeless shells without personality. Masood would never ever in a million years consider associating with, let alone bedding Carol Jackson. Tamwar has been blanded into oblivion, when he used to have an acerbic, dry wit. But Ajay is the worst. Like Ava, he's never seen at work. 

In fact, I wonder how the hell Phil Mitchell makes a living at the Arches. Today was obviously a workday, yet Ajay was running relays with Alfie trying to prove a point, and Jay was having a birthday party for Abi at the Arches.

Secondly, TPTB should be smacked for the appalling way they write and present Alfie Moon. On his day and when called upon to do so, Shane Richie is actually one of the stronger actors in the show; yet, he's reduced to playing a parody of his Daz commercial self, and pulling filler storylines about eating healthily, having a race challenge and cheating on the race by copping a beer for refreshment.

And here's where old Thunder Thighs comes in.

I want someone to smack Abi. I really do. I mean, I want someone to haul off and knock the living shit out of her, smack her wobbly dough-faced cheeks so hard that she falls on her fat arse and bounces out of Walford. In fact, I want Courtney Mitchell to come back and nut the snide little bitch.

That outburst at Alfie and Ajay was rude and uncalled for. Yes, yes, yes ... she's worried about Lauren. Yes, yes, yes ... she's feeling guilty because of the usual shallow, selfish Abi thoughts she's thinking, but there was no reason to let rip at two adults having a beer at one o'clock in the afternoon. That's hardly scandalous. In case FatGirl hasn't noticed when she's been hanging around the Vic at noontimes bothering Jay, people do lift a pint at lunchtime, and it wasn't as if these two men were huddled in the park at the light of day, copping a beer for breakfast. That's actually what Lauren would do.

That whole outburst was rude, entitled, and totally uncalled for. Even worse was that she followed the men back to the pub, obviously calmed down, and didn't offer one word of apology.

Instead, she sought out Jay the Boy Without Balls, and played the confessional victim. 

Poor pitiful Abi. She's been jealous of all the attention her parents have lavished on Lauren, who has a real problem, for whatever reason. She's wished she's never had a sister. She's wished her parents would walk away from Lauren. She's angry because Lauren's spoiled her birthday. Wah-wah-way. Diddums.

If there were ever any proof needed of Abi's innate selfishness and immaturity, that scene nailed it. What should have happened, when Jay stood up, was this:-

Abi: There, you see. You can't even stand to be around me anymore.

Jay: Ya know somefink? You're right. I can't. I'm sick of you whingeing, whining and moaning, finking the world revolves around you all the time, sitting back on your fat arse and expecting everyone to ask how high every time you say, "Jump!" And me, I've been the biggest mug of all. So, yeah, you're right. You're not a very nice person. You're shallow and selfish and you owe me ten quid for the money you took off me so's your sister could pull a drunk. Hand it over and then it's over. Proper.

That would have been a brilliant scene, but the writing room still doesn't have the integrity to call the Branning girls out on their pejorative qualities. Instead of Abi being handed her enormous arse, she gets a surprise birthday party in the Arches ... The fucking Arches! This is a garage, with oil and petrol and all sorts of hazardous material around and they go lighting candles?! Phil Mitchell would have gone ballistic, especially if that firetrap went up in flames.

Here's how much Abi's matured physically:-

This is Abi at eleven.

And this is Abi at seventeen. Looking like an eleven year-old messing about with her mother's make-up.

And here's a reminder of when Jay actually had a pair ...

What We Could Have Done Without.

Tyler down, Joey to go. But when? He stank up the place tonight. The moralistic scene in the cafe where he had a go at Lucy for her lie about Lauren showed up his acting, his diction and his mouth-breathing at its worst. I really thought Peter was meant to deck him, from the spoilers. Instead, we get some pithy schoolyard push and shove that was stopped by Alice's amazing porcelain veneers - well, actually, the flowers she'd bought for Lauren, followed by a completely moralistic soliloquy about the older Brat Pack abandoning Lauren, their friend and cousin, in her hour of need. Oh, and she threw in the fact that cousinfucker Joey was in love with Lauren, as if this were the most natural thing in the world.

General Observation: Slut Slutter continues to evolve, as per Lorraine Newman's guidance as the conscience and counsellor of the Square.

To Kirsty:-

You can always come to mine if ya fancy a talk.

She's not Pat. She never will be. So stop trying to make out that she is.

Because of the stuff with Lauren and Tanya getting handed her big arse in a bundle, I'll give this episode a B-/C+ grade. Without the Alfie/Ajay and the two Yoof bits malarky, it would have ventured a Class A grade.

Final Observation: Before I forget, Tanya is still lying and trying to exclude Max from involvement in his daughter's life. She was all about to call and arrange to book Lauren into this residential home, without discussing it with Max (whilst expecting Max to pay the expenses), and when he arrived just as she was about to do this, she lied and said she was just about to ring him. Bitch.

Tanya Week: Lauren Is Curious (Yellow) - Review: 24.06.2013

Alcohol and pills ... well, the pillbox queen is off in Florida, without nary a farewell to her BFF Tanya.

Thus beginneth the last week of Tanya' sojourn on Walford Square. It did my heart a world of good to see what Jo Joyner had to say about her character, and it matched, exactly, the criticisms I've levelled at Tanya over the past seven years.

I've no gripe with Jo Joyner. She seems like a nice woman, but I thoroughly hated Tanya with a passion. In fact, there are few characters I've hated more. She was a hypocrite's hypocrite, and to deny that she had drinking issues would be like denying that the sun shines in the sky. She, like her mother, is a functioning alcoholic, and her daughter learned her drinking habits at the feet of two apt masters - or mistresses. Even Jack contributed to Lauren's early addiction, serving her and fourteen year-old Peter Beale alcopops in the afternoon at the R and R.

I still have a lot of difficulty watching her leave Walford, without the fact that she tried to murder her husband in the worst sort of way - burial alive - without anyone batting an eyelid about this. In fact, it's become a sort of one-sided private joke brought up on various occasions at impromptu Branning family gatherings. Tanya's on the outs with Max, Max cracks a joke about being buried alive, and Tanya shits her already dirty knickers.

In fact, that's an apt description of Tanya. She's always seemed to me to be this outwardly pristine yummy mummy, dressed to the nines, but wearing the same knickers for three days solid. Yuck. But that's really what Tanya was all about - a common-and-garden version of Hyacinthe Bucket, straight from a sink estate, with all the material trappings of the middle class, socially aspiring and snobby, but nothing more than common trailer trash.

I'm glad she's leaving. I hope she doesn't return. My only regret is that she's not taking her entitled daughters and her putrid old mother wiht her.

The Tits-and-Ass Treasure Hunt.

One year ago Janine was getting married, being bullied into tearing up her pre-nup, having her waters break at the ceremony and going into premature labour. And it was Abi's birthday.

She was off to Costa Rica, after Jay had foisted a ring on her and asked her to marry him - nay, even tried to elope with her to keep her from going to Costa Rica to further her studies. At the same time, Max had proposed to Tanya, and given her an engagement ring, knowing full well that he had a wife stashed away in nearby South London. Remember the scene of Tanya taking Abi to the airport, proudly flashing her ring as Abi shyly and slyly removed hers?

So tonight, Abi's unwrapping a newly-delivered bustier, chosen with great care by her and Lola, whose taste is questionable, and paid for, unbeknownst to him, by Max's credit card - obviously bought online and paid for via Max's credit card details which Abi has somehow managed to obtain.

Oo-er ... where have we seen that before? Oh yes, Lauren did the same thing way back in 2007 to buy a camcorder for three hundred quid, and Max ended up apologising to her for punishing her. Go figure.

Thus, it's always been that way in the Branning household, and yummy mummy Tanya shares a private giggle with Abi at the fact that Max is being rumbled for an expensive present without his knowledge. Tanya presumably finds this amusing as Max has re-married and is starting a second family.

Abi in a bustier. That conjures up pictures of Ruby Allen in that black bustier and fishnet stockings, sprawled on the bed awaiting Juley, and looking all of twelve years old. A paedophile's dream.

Abi, might look twelve, but Abi in a bustier makes me think of Baby Huey in his matinee jacket.

Everyone's getting ready for Abi's 17th birthday party - 17 going on 12, she is - and somehow, it seems that Lauren is in on this extravaganza and has been charged with telling all the local friends and relatives invited.

Except that Lauren was last seen, drunk and climbing into a cab with several male people.

So the heat is on ...

... to find Lauren, during the course of which, we find out several snippets about Lauren that we never knew and which have a curious whiff of retcon about them.

For example, did you know that Lauren's ages old Samsung mobile (not the Smartphone) is virtually glued to her hand, like all the time. Yet how many times have we seen her dash off for a quick drink without the apparatus? Also, that she normally checks in with Tanya at least every five minutes. 

Hellooooo? How many times during the past year have we had Tanya/Lucy/Abi/Max ringing and ringing her phone only for it to go to voicemail?

Abi's regressed to little girl status, wondering where Lauren is, is Lauren going to show up, as if suddenly it's massively important. I can't even remember Lauren being around last year to say goodbye to Abi going off to Costa Rica.

So, after finding that Lauren's not been at Max's all night, Tanya and Max begin combing the area in search of her, whereupon we find what a truly snide bitch Lucy Beale really is.

But first a bit about Tanya's reaction: when it looks as though, Lauren's empty bed at Max's seems to indicate she spent the night at Peter's - as in, sleeping in Peter's bed, Tanya can't mask a gloating smile.

Bingo!!!!!! Phwoarrrrrrr, she shoots, she scorrrrrrrresssss! Mah baby go'er man. Vat's all that counts ...

You could just hear the pithy little thoughts scurrying through her one braincell. I thought the confrontation between Max and the twins was telling. Who the fuck is Lucy Beale to speak to Max like that as well? There is something called respect, and whilst Lucy, in her former incarnation, was offhand and rude to Ian, she was never this disrespectful to either of the Brannings. They were concerned parents looking for their missing daughter, whom they had reason to believe may be in trouble.

Of course, we, the viewers, know that Lucy's deliberate appearance at the restaurant, with brain-dead Joey ...

prompted Lauren's relapse. That she could lie so easily should come as no surprise either, nor her facile attempt to convince her twin that she lied to save his skin from a hiding by Max. Another unbelievable occurrance is that Lauren's bag, with its contents intact, including her phone, was still on the pavement outside the R and R, half-a-day after her having dropped it there the night before. I mean, this is LONDON, people! Tamwar finding it and ferrying it about the market until the phone rings when he's literally right next to Max Branning.

Contrived scene, anyone?

Highlights of this vignette was the obvious bond that still exists between Max and Tanya, coupled with Kirsty's heightening insecurity about that relationship as it's become patently obvious from her purchase in the Mini Mart that she's not achieved a pregnancy again this month, although how she hides the fact that she's got tampons around the house from Max is anyone's guess. 

She's frightened and insecure and so she does what Tanya does when she's frightened and insecure - reach for the bottle.

Then there are the reactions of the younger bratpack to the fact that no alcoholic beverages are allowed. Dexter's was the most putrid reaction of all - griping about having to sit, drinkless, in a roomful of "geriatric relatives," was totally rude. What a rude, mouthy little asshole, whose pithy, lazy mother hasn't thought to teach him the rudiments of good behaviour, much less how to speak properly.

I don't know who I dislike more - the older "teen" element of Lauren, Lucy, Joey etc or Abi the Dough-Faced Girl, Jay the Boy Without Balls, Dex-TAAAAAAA or Lola, who seems to have entirely forgotten Lexi, dumping her with Pops or Phil or someone so she can go out later and get wasted, having suffered the teetotal environment of the Branning household.

Add to that, the stinking old trout Cora the Bora, who stomps into the birthday den adamantly objecting to being forced to drink lemonade all night. Who remembers her necking down neat whiskey with Lauren at the beginning of this year? It was also this old coot who got Abi drunk when she was only fifteen. You can watch the clip here.

Lauren was weaned in a household where drink was more than a necessity, it was a way of life.

And then the party girl, herself, arrives .. full kudos to the make-up department for a realistic depiction of jaundice, with Lauren's face, at least, yellow from the excess bile her damanged liver was unable to process, so it's working its way out of her very pores (although, in truth, a person would have to put away a litre of booze a day for about ten years before he/she got to that state, but hey, this is not only Tanya's leaving line, it's a public service announcement, like Brookside used to be ...

Jossa's performance was better tonight, mostly because she didn't have to scream, speak or emote, just languish into an eye-rolling faint.

So now the stage is set for Tanya Week.

Mad About the Boy.

The more I see of Carl, the more I like him, especially after having viewed his interview on the BBC EastEnders' website. This is a man who knows his character, and the interpretation of Carl is all his own.

For once, TPTB have matched the actor to the character and not the opposite. I understand perfectly what he means when he says that Carl is a Shakespearian villan, in the tradition of Iago or Richard III - and Iago was ever the more interesting character in that tragedy than Othello. We also learn from the character interview that Carl's spent five years in prison on drugs-related charges, and that he's a mean piece of work.

Based on the fact that Ian Beale's inadvertantly stolen 10K which belonged to him, we know that Carl means business in getting it back. Any doubts that Carl's a nasty piece of work, you'll do well to remember his brother and mate who cornered Derek and beat him to a pulp - obviously, now, in hindsight, because Derek had Carl's money.

But what got me most about Coonan's interview was that he's a genuine fan of the show, having watched it from inception. He got me when he said how upset he was that Den and Ange had left the show in 1989. He's well-steeped in the history of the show and in its innate brand and seems intent on promoting that.

Such a difference to the catalogue models and occasional drama school youth who, like the target audience Newman seems intent on pleasing, have only watched the show from 2006 at least or 2000 at most.

That Carl is a manipulator is obvious, but it doesn't take much to manipulate Alice, with her shiny new Hollywood veneers. Although she's quick to accuse Carl of machinations and lies when he said he'd he'd met her before, she was easily snookered when he waxed lyrical about how Derek looked out for him and got to be friendly with him in prison. Now, this may or may not be true, but Alice is hooked on anything positive that's said about a father she barely knew.

And he sussed Joey as well, sticking the knife in about Derek being proud of him and saying how good-looking Joey probably was. At first, I thought this might be a massive retcon, especially with Alice, but the writing was tight enough to stop short of saying Derek spoke about Alice inside when he never knew she existed. Very apt observation of Carl re Joey that he was virtually a chip off the old block.

Carl's powers of observation aren't much off the mark, and I'll bet he can be really dangerous.

It's obvious that he's in Walford for two things - his money (which at a rate of £500 per week, means he'll be around for at least 20 weeks, or five months) and Kirsty, and we know that probably from next week, he'll step up a gear in that direction.

His presence only adds to Kirsty's tension, but I like a bad boy who's going to make a few of the locals squirm.

Six Tits and Three Tattoos.

Tonight, we were subjected to Kat's massive chest, Kirsty's massive chest, and Roxy's heaving bosom hidden under a flowing top after having a sexual session upstairs with Alfie, which they broadcast to the world. Add to that, Kirsty's gun tattoo on the inside of her right wrist, Roxy's sun in splendour on her shoulder and Kat's recent tattoo also on her wrist and you have six tits and three tattoos sat at a bar trying to outdo each other.

Do these women not realise that in 30 years' time, they're going to have wrinkly old ink marks on chicken skin?

We're on a mission with Newman to redeem Kat, so now we have to witness her counsel Kirsty to come clean with Max about the false pregnancy (as if "honesty" were a by-word with Kat in her own marriage - still waiting for that apology to Alfie), fend off Carl's attentions in a way which  was heavily threatening (as if Kat could bully Carl the way she bullies Lister and Tamwar) and sit at the bar and glare menacingly at Roxy and Alfie cooing sweet nothings to each other.

Yes, yes, yes ... she still loves Alfie, and the fool still has feelings for her. But Alfie is genuinely trying to move on, and she sits there and glares jealous daggers in every direction.

I'm still waiting, Kat ... I can't hear you ... I want to hear a heartfelt apology from her for absolutely ruining Alfie's life and betraying his trust. Oh, and whilst she's whiling away the afternoon/evening drinking in the Vic, who's watching Tommy? Because it wasn't Alfie.

Gee, do you think it could be that paragon of fatherhood, Michael Moon?

Kirsty's insecurities are coming to the for, the apogee of which will fall to pieces on Friday, and Roxy is worried, like Kirsty, that she's not yet pregnant. Here are two women who are so much alike in wanting to have a child with the man they're with out of insecurities in that relationship. A child with Max would give Kirsty the same leverage with him that Tanya has. A child witl Alfie would give Roxy an advantage over Kat, in actually having Alfie's child. I'd be willing to bet she falls pregnant just when he's dumping her for the slut.

Someone should have warned Carl about associating too much with the Walford bike, with emphasis on bedbugs, Derek and possible STDs.

For the beginning of a major week's worth of programmes, this was a pretty weak episode, but then Lauren Klee did write it.