They're clingy, whiney, loud, selfish, self-centred, bullying and entitled. They're anything but strong.
They're desperate.
They're the women of Walford.
Somewhere along about 2005 or so, whenever it was Stacey Slater slithered into Walford, someone got the idea that "strong" meant "feisty" or "loud." In fact, EastEnders PR Department have singularly managed to make "feisty" my most hated word.
Somewhere coinciding with Stacey's arrival, women became entitled, self-perpetuating victims who never took responsibility for their own subversive actions. Practically every woman post-Stacey bore a sense of innate entitlement, every woman whoever the person acting as Executive Producer emphasized during his/her particular stint.
Tanya was the other woman, the teenaged homewrecker who thought her shit never smelled, yet who couldn't fathom that Stacey was doing to her exactly what she was doing to Max's first wife Rachel. Stacey absolutely thought she was entitled to the prize who was Max. Ronnie was entitled to a child, anyone's child, if not her own, as well as Jack Branning. (What is it about Branning men?) Even women who left, redeemed and self-sufficient, returned pejorative images of themselves and filled with entitlement - Kat, Sharon, Bianca. The younger generation positively reeks of it - Lucy, Lauren, Whitney, Abi and Lola.
Bryan Kirkwood brought this era to the fore - a Square populated with genuinely weak men and loud, unpleasant women.
Female role models on the Square today are few and far between. Dot's a poor matriarch in the absence of Pat or even the termagants Peggy and Pauline. Cora doesn't even count. Abi won't achieve any of the success Michelle or Sonia attained, and her background was never as harsh as theirs. There are no tarts with hearts, no signs of any ingenues coming to their senses and growing up.
The most positive females on the Square today are Janine and Poopy-Le-Dim.
Step to the front, Ms Sharon Marshall!
Out of the mire, she's fashioned an episode of hope, an episode which concentrates on the various women of the Square and lets us look at them in a different - and well-written - light. One wonders why she isn't a core writer for the show?
OK, this was an episode where precious little happened, but it held the interest, was written well, and you got an inkling of an idea that something just might be about to happen - around the corner, so to speak.
Has EastEnders turned the corner? Maybe. Maybe not, but if it hasn't, it's approaching the corner it needs to turn; I just hope it's going in the right direction.
Brannings apart, tonight's episode centred on the A-List of characters; but even the Brannings were watchable, bar one...
The First Family of Walford
Errrrrr ... this is 2013. A teenaged marriage these days is bound for a divorce within a year. Before Peter appeared, the PR department put it out that he fell out with Lucy because he started dating Lucy's best friend, who was named Leanne.
Leanne ... as in Peter and Leanne.
Come on .... Peter and Leanne ... Peter and Leanne, goddammit!
I mean, which one of the EastEnders' storylining crew got caught up in Peter and Leanne Barlow's turgid story on Coronation Street? Yet they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so this is EastEnders' way of tipping the wink to Corrie.
Serioiusly, if this Leanne of Devon has a name, it means she's not far away from appearing on the screen, yet another teen to ponder.
Oh, please please please, don't give Ian Beale a grandchild fathered on his teenaged son. I would have liked to think that Peter was spending his time in Devon at university, instead of surfing and lollygagging about. He was a year ahead of Lucy in terms of studies as she failed all her GCSEs, so he would now be in his first year of uni or taking a gap year. It's hard to imagine him wanting to return to Walford to work in a chippy or sell fruit and veg from a market stall or bus tables in a restaurant his father pretends to own but which is really subbed by a benefactor.
But Peter's got to have some sort of secret - and, no, it isn't that he's gay.
He's back to assume the role of family peacemaker, and it's clear from all indications seen tonight that Lucy is hellbent on seeing Ian's restaurant venture fail. She also knows that Peter would be predisposed to side with Ian in this situation, considering the fact that she's never as much acknowledged the seriousness of Ian's illness and only uses that now to further her own gains. Ian's worried, in a weaselly way about there being nothing left of Peter's inheritance and counsels him using this as a means of getting around Lucy, but Peter wisely eschews that.
Instead, kudos to him for calling Lucy out on her plotting, and already she takes a bit of umbrage when she finds he's fixed Bobby's lunch. That's Lucy's party piece - running everything and being seen to run everything, from fixing Bobby's lunch to fixing the family meals to being "seen" to be in control of her empire.
Peter calls her out on plotting against Ian, and Carol rips her a new asshole for keeping her waiting an hour past her break at the cafe - whereupon Lucy suddenly appears from the confines of the chippy when she sees Peter's been helping Ian in the restaurant - only to offer him the position of working the veg stall, to see if he's worth his weight.
I hope he undermines the sloe-eyed, anorexic, little bitch.
Lucy thinks she's accomplishing spades, but she's setting herself up for a grand finale fall. Her bitchy side comment to Peter about the goings-on in the Branning house and Lauren's drinking problem only resulted in Peter bringing a luncheon treat around to Lauren's and attempting to get to the bottom of that situation for himself. It was interesting to hear him reminisce with Lauren about the "old times" (Santer era), particularly referencing the wife swap and how hard Max was on keeping tabs on Peter. I am surprised, however, he didn't mention Lauren running over Max and trying to kill him - or is that to be forgotten too, like the burial alive?
Ben Hardy has a good delivery. His voice takes a bit of getting used to it, for I find he sounds an awful lot like Liam Bergin (Danny Mitchell), but he's a better actor by miles; however side-by-side with Hetti Bywater, it's obvious that Hardy is a good few years older than she is (like five), considering she's a year younger than the character she plays. Her pathetic thinness doesn't help either.
I'm still Team Peter, however. Best character introduced in years.
The Gin Palace.
Boy, this is a family affair tonight, even stepma Kirsty (who looked curiously stunning in a white trash sort of way) getting in on the proceedings. Actually, Kirsty seemed to be handling Lauren better than either of her parents, When Lauren tells her she can stop drinking anytime she wants, Kirsty is sceptical, reiterating that some people have a really hard time stopping. Kirsty was being subtle and helpful, gently encouraging Lauren to talk about her situation.
Tanya is still in virtuous denial, maintaing a guarded lock-up to ensure a "calm house" for Abi's studies (bigging up the one child as opposed to the other).
Star of that show - and it pains me to say it - was Cora the Bora, who foisted a pamphlet on Tanya about recognising the signs of alcoholism. I'm still mightily pissed off at TPTB for refusing to recognise either Tanya's or Cora's drink dependency. Cora even shakes visibly from time to time, and is never without a drink or a stash nearby, as is Tanya. But because Tanya only concentrates on the latter stage symptoms of alcohol abuse, she's still in denial about Lauren's condition. Hindsight with Cora is twenty-twenty vision.
And hands up, all of us, who didn't guess that the "water" Lauren kept sipping throughout the day was vodka. Lauren was right, even though that revelatory scene was rank with the non-talent that is ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS
Tanya was stupid beyond belief to have sat there all day and watched Lauren nurse a plastic bottle containing booze. She's at the point where she can't do without it, and like any addict, she's got a million tricks up her sleeve to deceive her mother.
Yes, Tanya, your darling daughter is an alcoholic, but there are seven shades of alcoholics in this world. Her behaviour is learned and may even be genetic, considering that her grandmother and mother are functioning alcoholics, whose addictions are masked, and her aunt is a fully-fledged recovering alcoholic, who's removed herself from the sources of her problem - her family.
Maybe Lauren should remove herself too. From Walford.
Dot on a Hot Tin Roof
Here ... have some vintage Dot.
Remember when she was Dot the (Unintentional) Pothead?
The church roof saga is nothing but a filler, but it offered up some good scenes between Sharon and Dot and Sharon and Phil, proving once again that good writing is all these characters needed. Sharon Marshall is a long-time fan and knows the older characters. She got the best of Shirley tonight as well - Shirley is back to her old original self, spouting out one-liner zingers and unintentional irony.
Her "advice" to Sharon on how to handle Phil (from someone who brought out the worst in Phil to someone who brings out the best in his nature: Sharon could either roll over, play dead and allow him to walk all over her (like Shirley did), or she could stand and fight him (like Shirley didn't). The funny exchange with Ian in a French accent, when both of them ended up laughing at Shirley's observation that Ian charged a fiver for two eggs, right down to her zinger to Phil.
Phil buys mints. Shirley: I'd have thought you'd have wanted the extra strong, what with your breath.
It's rare that I laugh out loud at EastEnders, but I did then. And it was genuine.
One niggle: Phil walked into the shop, past Ian and Peter, without saying one word or acknowledging Peter. Peter is Ben's nephew and took the lam for Ben having pushed Glenda down the stairs back in 2010. Even so, Phil was married, at one time, to Peter's grandmother, so a small acknowledgement would not have gone amiss. It wasn't as big a faux pas as Sharon introducing herself to Janine, but it was a faux pas nonetheless.
A Retard's Guide to the Menopause
Bianca really is the Village Idiot. Forget about Billy Mitchell; she makes Little Mo Slater look like Einstein ...
Only someone seriously socially retarded would put out a flag for her middle-aged mother's pursuit of the local postman.
Oy, Postie, got a special delivery fer me mum?
I flaming ask you. This is a thirty-seven year-old woman. Even sillier is that Bianca, at that age, wouldn't be aware of what the menopause is and at what age it affects a woman. Carol's listed the appropriate symptoms, even though she's always been a moody cow, but the fact that Bianca thought the night sweats and hot flashes were indicative of Carol dying was risible.
Two incongruencies I find distorting in this storyline:-
Let's have a Homecoming Dance, shall we?
If, and that's a big "if", David returns, I hope this lot don't give him a cardigan, some slippers and settle him down with Carol to play Grandad. David may be a grandfather, but he has limitless scope on the Square - brother of Ian, uncle to the twins and Bobby, stepbrother to Janine - plus, David Wicks is as big a player as Max Branning, with a penchant for younger women (Roxy) and more than an attraction for the trashier sort (Kirsty Branning). Settling him with Carol in some sort of silly Father Knows Best routine would hamper the character.
Plus, Carol and David were never some great love affair. That was a bunk-up behind the bike sheds with two kids. She never gave him a second thought until Alan Jackson was unfaithful to her, and the next time we saw Carol, she was with Dan Sullivan; and no matter how much she romped the beds with David the last time he was there, when she and Bianca had their face-off before Bianca went back to prison, Carol's only chance at happiness (which Bianca destroyed) was all about Dan Sullivan.
And catch Tamwar's very appropriate assessment of the Jackson-Butchers: Enchanting family.
Precisely. The Masoods would never touch this lot of full-on chavs (who are infidels, by the way) with a barge pole.
Carol was right about herself, however. She is a four-by-four, and that, in modern day parlance is the equivalent of a loser.
Tits, Teeth and Psychopaths
I don't know which dominated the horizon more tonight - Alice's overlarge veneers (you wouldn't need a torch at night with Alice's teeth about) or Kat's tits, which are getting progressively larger and looked as though they'd acquired a life of their own and were about to jump out of her decolletage tonight.
No shit, Jessie Wallace has put on a hefty amount of weight lately, across her arse and stomach etc. Still, the red hair looks good. This is all a part of Newman's Great Kat Redemption. If you recall, when she fought for and won Alfie again back in 2005, she returned to Walford with red hair. It suits Jessie Wallace. Now if she'd tone down the slapper gear, she might just be presentable.
The Butcher-Moon foible is what's carrying the show at the moment, and tonight we got to see the divine Tim Bentinck playing Michael's solicitor again. Norman Pike and Ritchie Scott, both worthy of being seen a lot more around Walford. Bentinck, in and of himself, is an actor to whom EastEnders should be talking.
Without a doubt, however, the smartest girl in Walford is ..... (drum roll ...)
Yes, Poppy is the smartest girl in Walford. Poppy knows exactly what Michael is: a psychopath. She knows what a psychopath is and how they operate. Psychopaths don't invite intimacy (his reluctance for Alice to take it upon herself to touch him), his rage at his loss of control of a situation - he'd had his toy Scarlett for almost a year, now her mother's returned and they've left Walford.
Janine has custody of the child. She can take her to live or visit anyplace within the confines of the United Kingdom and she isn't breaking any law. Michael, on the other hand, was planning to abscond with Scarlett overseas - illegal. He's losing control, and one thing I can't understand is the sympathy he's receiving from Alfie at the moment, and Jack.
Here's some food for thought ... Billy Mitchell and Whitney, also Tanya, saw the state Janine was in last summer before she left Walford, broken and abused. They know what went on inside that house, they also know what Michael did to Jean and to Roxy and to Ronnie; yet everyone's treating him as if he were the noble victim and Janine the villain.
Everyone except Poppy.
Alice is so naive, and Michael perceives this as her weakness - that she's got a crush on him and is now desperate to help him in Janine's absence. Michael punches down. He's a coward when it comes to dealing with men. He'll pick on women,especially those who are vulnerable.
Alice made two mistakes tonight - the first was telling Michael that he couldn't control everything. Not the brightest thing to say to a psychopath, who revel in controlling a situation to their own advantage (Archie Mitchell, Ronnie). Her second mistake was telling him she was a virgin. Psychopaths use sex as a means of manipulation, and someone like Alice, who's all of nineteen to Michael's forty, is ripe for manipulative picking. Of course, when she's served her purpose, he'd just as easily discard her as to kill her.
And think nothing of it.
Michael is not a nice person. He never was, nor was he ever meant to be. Psychopaths usually aren't.
A word for the Luddites whining "But I thought Alice lost her virginity to Anthony Mooooooooon!" She didn't. Shut up. She was planning on sleeping with him the night they'd scheduled for their "big date," but Derek and Joey ran him out of town on a poker game.
Averagely good episode. Sharon Marshall doesn't disappoint.
Another brilliant & funny review & spot on as per usual.
ReplyDeleteThanks ;-)