In the spirit of EastEnders' Continental cooperation shown in tonight's episode, let me just say this ...
Plus ca change, plus ca reste la meme.
The good news is that today is Sir Paul McCartney's birthday.
Potentially, the bad news is that there's another teenager rampant about to burst onto Albert Square - the daughter of Cindy Beale is being introduced as a fully-fledged character.
Yes, another teen.
I know, she's a half-sibling to Peter and Lucy, but she's only fourteen at the moment, and I'm wanting to know how it's going to be arranged that she live full-time with Ian Beale and his family.
Actually, my first thought, when I saw the picture of the actress who plays the kid was Greek Janine.
Why? Here's why ...
Here is Greek Janine, before she became Charlie Brooks.
And here is Greek Janine/Cindy.
Granted, Greek Janine/Cindy's father is Italo-English businessman Nick Holland, which presents us, not only with another stroppy teen running wild, but also a different sort of daddy dilemma and the potential promise of either Greek Janine/Cindy going to look for Big Daddy Nick or him accidentally on purpose showing up in Walford.
But Ian Beale is nothing to this kid. He's neither invested in her upbringing, and he's only seen her twice in his life. Besides, she's a reminder of the darkest period of his marriage to Cindy - the time she tried to kill him and abscond to the Continent with his children. Is Granny Bev or Dippy Auntie Gina going to hand over guardianship of this kid legally to Ian Beale, or will it be done with no legal hoohah at all a la Steven Beale in 2002 or Shenice in 2011? Probably the latter. EastEnders don't do research.
Still, this is another one to land prepubescent lads' bums on seats and their hands down their trousers. This seems to be their current target audience.
And now, for a review of tonight's episode, and since I'm in a name-and-shame mood, it's an episode written by ...
THE. WORST. WRITER. EVER. ON. EASTENDERS...
Hollyoaks' reject and Kirkwood leftover, Perrie Balthazar ... AXE, PLEASE!!!!!!!!
Michael is acting like just exactly what he is - a big, overgrown spoiled baby. He's not catatonic at all. He's just sulking. Why? Because he knows that this will get him 100 per cent attention from two people who should, by rights, be knocking him for six for what he'd done to Alice. Instead, Alice's Uncle Jack, who should be knocking the shit out of Michael for mucking about with his dead brother's daughter, is fetching and carrying, mollycoddling and cooing him. Katshit, who's taken it upon herself to act as Alice's Slutty Godmother, should be pissed off mightily at someone who did to MyAlice what Uncle Harry did to her. Instead, she's fixing him breakfast and calling The Magic Alfie to help cheer widdle Michael up.
And so Magic Alfie, who really should be kicking the daylights out of Michael for porking and impregnating his wife, instead, tries his damnedest to amuse him and at least succeeds in getting the recalcitrant manchild to talk. So, as you do with a little kid, you watch DVDs and eat popcorn.
Michael the psychopath. Michael the divo. Michael the drama queen.
He suddenly remembers that Friday is his daughter's first birthday (and his wedding anniversary). Of course, Katshit is quick to pin the blame on Janine, whilst Alfie plays down the fact that the first birthday is usually a day of getting baby his/her first booster injection, which makes Michael become Michael-on-a-Mission. He has to see MyAlice, because she would know if there'd been any appointment made.
Meanwhile, back at Slater Hotel, Joey is trying to get through to MyAlice, who doesn't understand him. Ne'mind, we don't either.
You know something? Parents always want what's better than they had for their children. Ian Beale's kids all are well-spoken.. Bradley Branning, as well as his sisters all speak better than Max or Tanya. Alice, herself, raised by her mother (as was Joey). is reasonably well-spoken. Since Joey hadn't been around his father since he was a lad of seven, there's no reason why David Witts couldn't have used his normal, proper well-spoken speaking voice.
It's a pity because, although Witts seems a nice guy, he's an atrocious actor, hired more for looks than anything else. He really should be given the push, but I have a feeling that we won't see the end of Joey until a new EP is in place. More's the pity.
MyAlice, however, faces her kleptomaniac demons tonight, and it looks as though she aims to go the length and breadth of the market returning items which she stole, which will only serve to get her in more trouble. In the end, however, she seeks out the wisdom of Tiffany ...
(Cue puking sound effect) ...
... in order to return Nana Pat's enchanted earrings. How about that? Eighteen months after her death, Pat gets her first mention, regarding a pithy pair of earrings.
More important, when she finds the courage to tell Michael of Scarlett's hospital appointment and he automatically went into charm mode to tell her what a good person she is, she made him look small by telling him, succinctly, that she wasn't.
A Small French Fart.
Hohh-hee-hohh-hee-hohh-he-hohh ...
Abi La Dough-Faced Fille is volunteered by her grandmere to show ze sexy young phony French vicaire ze sights of Walford.
Listen very carefully, for she will say zis only once ...
Oh shit, that was an appalling scene of love and warmth, how the phony Frenchman gains confidence from Abi for his English speech and how he offers her some subtle and prayerful advice - Abi should be patient and wait for Lauren to talk,
So much for Max and Tanya wanting to keep Lauren's problem a secret amongst themselves. Abi's told Grandma Dot, who ain't one to gossip but ... (giggle giggle) ... and the vicar even helps Abi to study.
Why am I reminded of Sonia and the phony Italian student?
The Never-Ending Story ...
Shit, I just realised how much Limahl looks like one of my godsons, minus the manky hair, of course.
Of course ... we're back in BranningLand, and surprisingly, this was the best segment of tonight's episode. In fact, I'll be generous, and give Jossa credit where credit is due, but then, whenever any plank is pitted against Jake Wood and Lindsey Coulson, two of the strongest actors in the show, they always rise to the occasion.
Max has always been great in those paternal one-on-one intimate father-child moments - with Bradley and Abi and now with Lauren. The scene where he was keeping her busy tidying the flat with him was poignant, especially Jake Wood's unassuming modest look of caring, which, unfortunately, resembles more than a bit the character he voices in the US, the GEICO Gecko ..
He finally understands how serious Lauren's problem is - although many viewers and I still don't comprehend why, now, it's suddenly dawned on the family that she has a problem. They've been cognizant of the fact that she goes bonkers when she drinks, and she's been caught drunk enough times before for this to concern them.
The gist is that Lauren hasn't hit rock bottom yet, which is why she refuses to go to the adolescent support group with Max. She has to want to go, herself. She has to seek help, others can't seek it for her.
Particularly good was the scene where Carol found her in the pub, staring at the empty booze glasses, too skint to afford just one drink. Carol was probably the best and most effective person to speak with her, asking her why she drank and why she got drunk. She doesn't know. She can't. It's just that it's something she needs to do because her body has developed and addiction to the stuff. She needs it to get through the day. The admission she made at the end of that episode, was powerful and deserving of the duff-duff (instead of the crock of shit we got instead): Lauren can't stop drinking. She doesn't want to do so, but even if she did, she couldn't. She's hooked.
Klingons on the Starboard Bow. Again. (Yawn).
Yet another day when Ava the Rava doesn't teach. Not only are ex- and current teachers like myself noticing what a joke this teaching thing is with her, but the rest of the viewing audience views her as a joke as well.
In fact, the whole contrived and retconned set-up of The Magic Negro, Sam the Sham and Dex-TAAAAAA so absurd, they are more than boring. They are dire.
In short, they all stink. Mightily.
In the first place, not only does Ava the Rava never teach, she never eats at home - always buying meals at the cafe. And how many times was that now that she and Sam just managed to bump into each other with the stated subject of "we have to talk about Dex-TAAAAAA, who curiously thinks he not only owns Walford, but knows a stranger whose implanted seed helped create him 20 years ago well enough to be tactless, ignorant, selfish and entitled enough to badmouth a late but willing father in the faces of Jay, Lola and Phil Mitchell, all of whom lost fathers or had a brutal upbringing by a dad far worse than Sam the Sham.He really is a cocky little turd who deserves a smack.
(Aside: Well, there's Lexi out of the way for the up-and-coming-Teens Go Wild in the Wilderness week, considering that "Pops" Billy wants to babysit her).
Almost as ridiculous as Dex-TAAAAA's spoiled child ranting was Tanya's and The Magic Negro's sister moment ...
(The one on the left is George Clooney's aunt).
The idea of Tanya giving The Magic Negro advice on lurrrrrve was ridiculous. At least, now she's leaving, she admitted that she and Max had put themselves before their children's needs, but advised Ava the Rava to do something for herself at the moment, especially when Ava the Rava admitted something everyone (yawn) had known all along, that she still loves Sam the Sham. Here she hoped to turn into Lena Horne, I think ...
Instead, we, the viewers get this ...
Honestly, Ava te Rava has a face like a slapped bum. No wonder Sam didn't marry anyone else; he couldn't rid himself of the nightmare of her Klingon face.
On the other hand, Lorraine's miracle of love, warmth and understanding comes through, when Phil Mitchell, the Saint Joseph of Walford gives avuncularly advice to Dex-TAAAAA about his father, which only means that the little cock will tolerate his presence for two weeks more and then he'd better leave ... or Dex-TAAAAA will throw his toys out of his pram again.
More entitlement ... Here's a kid who works and earns a wage, lives at home with his mummy, and still has to borrow twenty quid for an evening out with his mates? And EastEnders wants to foist more such entitlement on us?
The Magic Negro is more than happy to oblige, however, especially since it means she gets more time to play Kiss-Me-Mandingo with Sam the Sham.
This was dire. Just dire. Even more dire than the shoddy scene in the BBC's Sunday night historical drama series. The White Queen, where we saw a zipper at the back of a Fifteenth Century Queen's gown.
The BBC is insulting all of us with this garbage. Just when you thought the show had turned a corner, it spews up cack like this. Perrie Balthazar should be the next one in the writing room to follow Katie Douglas's ass out the door of Elstree.
Rubbish. Repetitive rubbish.
I almost forgot ... the most embarrassing moment of the episode, was when Sam came to see The Magic Negro, and we had a three-minute attempt at REALLY INTENSE PROFESSIONAL ACTING by Clare Perkins and Cornell S John. And you know what? They were putrid. Embarrassingly putrid. Tell me ... who hired these clowns?
Plus ca change, plus ca reste la meme.
The good news is that today is Sir Paul McCartney's birthday.
Potentially, the bad news is that there's another teenager rampant about to burst onto Albert Square - the daughter of Cindy Beale is being introduced as a fully-fledged character.
Yes, another teen.
I know, she's a half-sibling to Peter and Lucy, but she's only fourteen at the moment, and I'm wanting to know how it's going to be arranged that she live full-time with Ian Beale and his family.
Actually, my first thought, when I saw the picture of the actress who plays the kid was Greek Janine.
Why? Here's why ...
Granted, Greek Janine/Cindy's father is Italo-English businessman Nick Holland, which presents us, not only with another stroppy teen running wild, but also a different sort of daddy dilemma and the potential promise of either Greek Janine/Cindy going to look for Big Daddy Nick or him accidentally on purpose showing up in Walford.
But Ian Beale is nothing to this kid. He's neither invested in her upbringing, and he's only seen her twice in his life. Besides, she's a reminder of the darkest period of his marriage to Cindy - the time she tried to kill him and abscond to the Continent with his children. Is Granny Bev or Dippy Auntie Gina going to hand over guardianship of this kid legally to Ian Beale, or will it be done with no legal hoohah at all a la Steven Beale in 2002 or Shenice in 2011? Probably the latter. EastEnders don't do research.
Still, this is another one to land prepubescent lads' bums on seats and their hands down their trousers. This seems to be their current target audience.
And now, for a review of tonight's episode, and since I'm in a name-and-shame mood, it's an episode written by ...
THE. WORST. WRITER. EVER. ON. EASTENDERS...
Mister Pleasant.
Michael is acting like just exactly what he is - a big, overgrown spoiled baby. He's not catatonic at all. He's just sulking. Why? Because he knows that this will get him 100 per cent attention from two people who should, by rights, be knocking him for six for what he'd done to Alice. Instead, Alice's Uncle Jack, who should be knocking the shit out of Michael for mucking about with his dead brother's daughter, is fetching and carrying, mollycoddling and cooing him. Katshit, who's taken it upon herself to act as Alice's Slutty Godmother, should be pissed off mightily at someone who did to MyAlice what Uncle Harry did to her. Instead, she's fixing him breakfast and calling The Magic Alfie to help cheer widdle Michael up.
And so Magic Alfie, who really should be kicking the daylights out of Michael for porking and impregnating his wife, instead, tries his damnedest to amuse him and at least succeeds in getting the recalcitrant manchild to talk. So, as you do with a little kid, you watch DVDs and eat popcorn.
Michael the psychopath. Michael the divo. Michael the drama queen.
He suddenly remembers that Friday is his daughter's first birthday (and his wedding anniversary). Of course, Katshit is quick to pin the blame on Janine, whilst Alfie plays down the fact that the first birthday is usually a day of getting baby his/her first booster injection, which makes Michael become Michael-on-a-Mission. He has to see MyAlice, because she would know if there'd been any appointment made.
Meanwhile, back at Slater Hotel, Joey is trying to get through to MyAlice, who doesn't understand him. Ne'mind, we don't either.
You know something? Parents always want what's better than they had for their children. Ian Beale's kids all are well-spoken.. Bradley Branning, as well as his sisters all speak better than Max or Tanya. Alice, herself, raised by her mother (as was Joey). is reasonably well-spoken. Since Joey hadn't been around his father since he was a lad of seven, there's no reason why David Witts couldn't have used his normal, proper well-spoken speaking voice.
It's a pity because, although Witts seems a nice guy, he's an atrocious actor, hired more for looks than anything else. He really should be given the push, but I have a feeling that we won't see the end of Joey until a new EP is in place. More's the pity.
MyAlice, however, faces her kleptomaniac demons tonight, and it looks as though she aims to go the length and breadth of the market returning items which she stole, which will only serve to get her in more trouble. In the end, however, she seeks out the wisdom of Tiffany ...
(Cue puking sound effect) ...
... in order to return Nana Pat's enchanted earrings. How about that? Eighteen months after her death, Pat gets her first mention, regarding a pithy pair of earrings.
More important, when she finds the courage to tell Michael of Scarlett's hospital appointment and he automatically went into charm mode to tell her what a good person she is, she made him look small by telling him, succinctly, that she wasn't.
A Small French Fart.
Abi La Dough-Faced Fille is volunteered by her grandmere to show ze sexy young phony French vicaire ze sights of Walford.
Listen very carefully, for she will say zis only once ...
Oh shit, that was an appalling scene of love and warmth, how the phony Frenchman gains confidence from Abi for his English speech and how he offers her some subtle and prayerful advice - Abi should be patient and wait for Lauren to talk,
So much for Max and Tanya wanting to keep Lauren's problem a secret amongst themselves. Abi's told Grandma Dot, who ain't one to gossip but ... (giggle giggle) ... and the vicar even helps Abi to study.
Why am I reminded of Sonia and the phony Italian student?
The Never-Ending Story ...
Of course ... we're back in BranningLand, and surprisingly, this was the best segment of tonight's episode. In fact, I'll be generous, and give Jossa credit where credit is due, but then, whenever any plank is pitted against Jake Wood and Lindsey Coulson, two of the strongest actors in the show, they always rise to the occasion.
Max has always been great in those paternal one-on-one intimate father-child moments - with Bradley and Abi and now with Lauren. The scene where he was keeping her busy tidying the flat with him was poignant, especially Jake Wood's unassuming modest look of caring, which, unfortunately, resembles more than a bit the character he voices in the US, the GEICO Gecko ..
The gist is that Lauren hasn't hit rock bottom yet, which is why she refuses to go to the adolescent support group with Max. She has to want to go, herself. She has to seek help, others can't seek it for her.
Particularly good was the scene where Carol found her in the pub, staring at the empty booze glasses, too skint to afford just one drink. Carol was probably the best and most effective person to speak with her, asking her why she drank and why she got drunk. She doesn't know. She can't. It's just that it's something she needs to do because her body has developed and addiction to the stuff. She needs it to get through the day. The admission she made at the end of that episode, was powerful and deserving of the duff-duff (instead of the crock of shit we got instead): Lauren can't stop drinking. She doesn't want to do so, but even if she did, she couldn't. She's hooked.
Klingons on the Starboard Bow. Again. (Yawn).
Yet another day when Ava the Rava doesn't teach. Not only are ex- and current teachers like myself noticing what a joke this teaching thing is with her, but the rest of the viewing audience views her as a joke as well.
In fact, the whole contrived and retconned set-up of The Magic Negro, Sam the Sham and Dex-TAAAAAA so absurd, they are more than boring. They are dire.
In short, they all stink. Mightily.
In the first place, not only does Ava the Rava never teach, she never eats at home - always buying meals at the cafe. And how many times was that now that she and Sam just managed to bump into each other with the stated subject of "we have to talk about Dex-TAAAAAA, who curiously thinks he not only owns Walford, but knows a stranger whose implanted seed helped create him 20 years ago well enough to be tactless, ignorant, selfish and entitled enough to badmouth a late but willing father in the faces of Jay, Lola and Phil Mitchell, all of whom lost fathers or had a brutal upbringing by a dad far worse than Sam the Sham.He really is a cocky little turd who deserves a smack.
(Aside: Well, there's Lexi out of the way for the up-and-coming-Teens Go Wild in the Wilderness week, considering that "Pops" Billy wants to babysit her).
Almost as ridiculous as Dex-TAAAAA's spoiled child ranting was Tanya's and The Magic Negro's sister moment ...
The idea of Tanya giving The Magic Negro advice on lurrrrrve was ridiculous. At least, now she's leaving, she admitted that she and Max had put themselves before their children's needs, but advised Ava the Rava to do something for herself at the moment, especially when Ava the Rava admitted something everyone (yawn) had known all along, that she still loves Sam the Sham. Here she hoped to turn into Lena Horne, I think ...
Instead, we, the viewers get this ...
Honestly, Ava te Rava has a face like a slapped bum. No wonder Sam didn't marry anyone else; he couldn't rid himself of the nightmare of her Klingon face.
On the other hand, Lorraine's miracle of love, warmth and understanding comes through, when Phil Mitchell, the Saint Joseph of Walford gives avuncularly advice to Dex-TAAAAA about his father, which only means that the little cock will tolerate his presence for two weeks more and then he'd better leave ... or Dex-TAAAAA will throw his toys out of his pram again.
More entitlement ... Here's a kid who works and earns a wage, lives at home with his mummy, and still has to borrow twenty quid for an evening out with his mates? And EastEnders wants to foist more such entitlement on us?
The Magic Negro is more than happy to oblige, however, especially since it means she gets more time to play Kiss-Me-Mandingo with Sam the Sham.
This was dire. Just dire. Even more dire than the shoddy scene in the BBC's Sunday night historical drama series. The White Queen, where we saw a zipper at the back of a Fifteenth Century Queen's gown.
The BBC is insulting all of us with this garbage. Just when you thought the show had turned a corner, it spews up cack like this. Perrie Balthazar should be the next one in the writing room to follow Katie Douglas's ass out the door of Elstree.
Rubbish. Repetitive rubbish.
I almost forgot ... the most embarrassing moment of the episode, was when Sam came to see The Magic Negro, and we had a three-minute attempt at REALLY INTENSE PROFESSIONAL ACTING by Clare Perkins and Cornell S John. And you know what? They were putrid. Embarrassingly putrid. Tell me ... who hired these clowns?
Pawning off Cindy Jr. on Ian? Hasn't he been through enough?
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