Carl It A Day for Ian - Review: 20.06.2013

Wow! Two big announcements of new signings in one week on EastEnders. First we had the 21st Century version of the 1990s Greek Janine with Greek Janine/Cindy and now, we herald the arrival of Mr Kym Marsh II.

Jamie Lomas joins the EastEnders' cast.

The soap pundits dubbed his signing "Soapwars" - his wife is in Corrie, his sister is in Emmerdale and he hails from Hollyoaks. But there's a bit of deja vu with this one. Slightly more than a decade ago, Mr Kym Marsh I, AKA Jack Ryder, was a significant part of EastEnders, playing the iconic manchild Jamie Mitchell - the boy girls wanted to snog and women wanted to mother.

During this period, Jamie got to snog both Sonia as well as Zoe Slater, and whilst Kym didn't mind Jack kissing ugly Sonia, she wasn't too pleased that Jack had to spend scenes hanging off Michelle Ryan's luscious lips, so she pitched a hissy fit, convinced Jack to take up an offer of work in the States that wasn't even a concrete offer, and the rest is history.

The only difference between now and then is that Kym, herself, is riding high on Corrie and actually has a higher profile than Mr Marsh Mach II - but that could easily change.

On the other hand, I'm kind of encouraged by this casting. I don't watch Hollyoaks, so I'm not familiar with Lomas's work or the sort of character he played, so I'll be watching him with a fresh pair of eyes. Like Gary Lucy, he comes by way of 'Oaks and Sky's Dream Team. He;s also the right age demographic (25-50) that's sadly lacking on the show at the moment, and his character arc, although a bit repetitive (Albert Square is home to three sex abuse victims, three alcoholics and a gaggle of people with Daddy issues), sounds interesting.

Suffice it to say that I'm looking on this casting a lot more positively than the addition of yet another teen.

Surprise of the day! Jesse O'Mahoney, also ex-Hollyoaks, wrote a passable episode. Is somebody standing over the Luddites with a rubber tube, beating their arses?

The Village Idiot and Clueless: Never Talk to Strangers.

Here's another surprise! Ian Beale acknowledged his blood relationship with Bianca tonight. He called her his niece. In fact, it was a most emphatic moment of dialogue, but more of that later.

The King is dead, long live the Queen! Billy Mitchell, runt of the Mitchell litter and heretofore reigning Village Idiot in Walford (especially after the death of Heather, who gave him a run for his money), no more has any claim to that title.

Bianca is now officially the Village Idiot of Walford. Billy could only claim to be the Mitchell's idiiot. Bianca belongs to the Brannings, the Butchers and the Beales.

I remember Bianca in the 1990s - she managed and ran a clothing stall on her own, when she was barely out of her teens. She even managed to go to fashion college, but this Bianca is borderline retarded.

Not only does she not know how to discipline, instruct or even maintain her children, she neither feeds nor provides for them properly. The heavy-duty parenting was always done by a combination of Pat, Ricky and Carol. Bianca was always an overgrown child. With no common sense.

Who plucks a number scribbled on a shred of newsprint from someone's strongbox and assumes it's a mobile number for a person who's written a letter contained in a separate envelope? Bianca.

Who engages in a lengthy conversation with a stranger on the other end of that mobile number, giving him enough information to find her before realising what a putz she is? Bianca.

Bianca's stunted intelligence seems, also, to have extended to Mowgan Le Fat. Who, at the age of eight, still writes and scribbles nonsense on the walls inside your home? Mowgan. And who, at the age of eight, stuffs small toys down the sink, blocks it and then doesn't think to turn the faucet off? Mowgan.

And - back in AdultLand - who calls a plumber and assumes that the first stranger to appear at her door is that selfsame plumber she called, without asking for a form if identification?

Biancaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Then, after it's been established that the mystery man isn't the plumber, but someone who mysteriously knows Derek Branning, who sits down with said stranger, without knowing the whys or wherefores of his history with Derek, and tells him a heap of personal information - as in the names of Derek's children and where they lived? Bianca.

She didn't even realise this man - Carl-with-a-C, as we now know - was lying, and if she'd had half the brain and fortitude, she'd have realised his story didn't match up with Derek's immediate past. Derek had spent the past fourteen years in prison, and didn't even recognise Alice, herself, when he arrived in Walford; so Carl, remarking "It'll be nice to see Alice again," should have raised Bianca's hackles. 

Or doesn't she know her family history?

You see, that's the thing about extended and large families. You always know the family fables. Derek the professional convict, would have been as familiar a story to her as how Max abandoned Bradley for Tanya or as Sharongate would have been to the Mitchells (although Roxy seems curiously unaware of this foible regarding Sharon's and Phil's history).

Moving onto Alice, she's just as stupid, but her stupidity is the naive sort. Having just had her grief regarding her father's death reinvigorated, she's more than happy to invite the stranger on her doorstep who purports to be her dad's friend from prison and who's only just heard of his demise - irregardless of the fact that this man could be anyone - an axe murderer or even a rapist.

Bianca is retarded, and Alice is just sad, which is rather sweet and pathetic at the same time, especially as she hands Carl-with-a-C even more information with which to play - showing him the room were Derek slept and even letting him rifle through the tin box of Derek paraphernalia, informing him that she came by the box by way of Auntie Carol, who got it from "Ian."

Now that gives Carl-with-a-C a starting point, as it's obvious there's something in that box which he wants.

Gee, I wonder what that could be?

But now, it's the Matron Saint of Sluts, who also has the remit of looking after retards and naive young girls as well, to set matters straight. Bringing Bianca and Alice face-to-face, she exposes Carl-with-a-C as a liar, which means 'e's a dodgy bloke, innit?

It seems that there's nothing Kat can't do, except own up to the responsibility of having destroyed her own marriage.

The Man, Himself: Carl-with-a-C.

I call him Carl-with-a-C to distinguish him from Corrie's man of the moment, Karl Munro.

Time was, EastEnders could have created, sustained and handled a character such as Karl Munro - a bad boy forced to be even badder by circumstances and his own precipitous actions,. someone who's basically capable of good actions and even of feeling remorse for his misdeeds, but who's too weak to confess to his crimes, so he commits further crimes to cover the previous ones. At one and the same time, he's a bad man, a villain, but one capable of sustaining the viewers' sympathies.

I was impressed with Daniel Coonan tonight. I felt he got off to a strong start. He has a long and impressive portfolio, is a graduate of LAMDA (the second such cast member) and comes to the show by way of no less than the Royal Shakespeare Company. The last time the show had a character with such credentials, that was Tricky Dicky the market inspector.

Apart from being the most erudite and articulate villain ever to appear on the programme, Coonan looked to be enjoying what he was doing and, indeed, treated many of his lines and interactions as a tour de force. Here is an experienced actor proving that you don't necessarily have to have a gorr-blimey Cockney accent to be an EastEnd villain - he sounded educated and well-spoken, and the soliloquy extolling the delights of eating in Ian Beale's establishment was a veritable PR man's dream. Seriously, Ian should make amends with this guy and get him to write his PR copyright. One wonders how he got connected with such a chavvy little guttersnipe like Kirsty.

He's a smoother, if his scene with Max is anything to go by, immediately recognising him (probably via his brother's description) and smoothly explaining that he was looking for a car, as he understood he was in the motor trade. But the scene with Ian was a classic, especially since the entire gist of the episode, as pertaining to Ian, had been developed to show that Ian has reverted to the snarky, snobby, condescending Ian of old.

Just put him in a tie and in charge of some posh hostelry, and you've got him talking about "them and us," the "them" being the hoi-polloi and the "us" being the Beales, always a cut above the rest of Walford, seeking to inculcate this sense of command and control into his son. It was enlightening to see that Peter was having none of this nonsense.

Yet Carl-with-a-C rattled Ian's confidence from the beginning, with a question about Derek, even venturing, further along in what had become a one-man tour de force, to reveal some information about himself - that he and Derek met in prison, that Derek had promised to look after something that belonged to Carl-with-a-C, that Derek had promised him a slap-up meal upon his release ... and to all of this, Ian had shown no curiosity - most probably because whilst Carl was talking, Ian was shitting his pants, knowing what the object Derek had promised to guard was. In all of this to-ing and fro-int, Carl at least managed to get Ian to admit his relationship to Bianca - she was "kind of family, my niece."

Even moreso, Carl exposed Ian's innate shallowness by remarking at Ian's seeming lack of concern as to why his niece would be talking with someone like Carl.

Carl's coming back for his dinner, with some bubbly in the fridge, but one is left with a feeling that Ian will be eating crow.

I guess this means that Carl-with-a-C is actually an investor, to the tune of ten grand, in Ian's restaurant.

This might be Ian's kismet, but although Carl might be a stranger, this sure ain't paradise ...

Michael Wants His Widdle Toy.

Because that's what this quest for Scarlett is all about. For all the Luddite ladies on Digital Spy who find him so fascinating, I wonder how they'd like being involved with a bona fide psychopath. It's not as romantic as it seems.

Scarlett was Michael's tool. Here's a constant about Michael - he never owns up to any sort of responsibility, and if he can get someone else to assume that responsibility, that makes life easier for him, and it makes the person assuming the responsibility a mug, worthy of Michael's disdain.

Michael talks Jack into buying and renovating the boxing club, using all of Jack's money and with Jack doing most of the managerial hard graft. Michael, in turn, does nothing; however, he does get subbed by Jack. Janine leaves Michael with their child, and after spending weeks screaming at the kid and turning the volume up on the television to drown her cries, he fanagles Roxy into moving in to provide free child care.

Kat hits him for child support regarding Tommy, a child he's never acknowledged, in fact a child he's been happy for his cousin to raise, bond with and parent, calling him his son, and Michael microwaves her a meal and skirts the issue of paying to support the kid.

Roxy and then Alice cared for Scarlett, a feat which amounted to ferrying her from one activity to another daily, before returning her, exhausted and sleeping, to him at night, so he could swan around daily, playing the big man. Care for Scarlett? He couldn't even bring himself to call her by her given name until Janine showed up. Until then, he referred to her as "the child."

Now "the mother" of "the child" has taken the child, and he wants his toy back. He's mindful of the fact that a single man with a child is always a sympathetic figure, and there'd be a queue of women waiting -and even willing to forget previous despicable behaviour on his part (Kat, Roxy, Jean) - just to get one back on evil Janine.

Interesting to note one thing tonight, Michaelapologists on Digital Spy forum ... the nurse at the hospital remembered Janine. Even though Michael recognised the nurse as Annabelle, the nurse didn't remember him at all; however she did remember Janine. It was Janine who sat 24/7 by Scarlett's side as she fought for life. It was Michael who repeatedly missed important appointments and meetings with the consultant. It was Michael who was caught trying to run away by Whitney and who was told to get his ass back to the hospital and support his wife by Ricky. That proves what a good father Michael Moon wasn't.

And as Michael's specialty is punching down and manipulating vulnerable women, who is any more vulnerable than an innocent child? What a time this asshole would have poisoning her mind.

And as for his trick with Tommy, that was despicable and cruel, based only on the fact that he saw Alfie with Tommy and realised Alfie had something, an object, which he relinquished. The only saving grace of this was that, in telling Tommy that he was his real father, the child is only two and just now beginning to talk. He'd have no conception of the meaning behind Michael's words. It would have hit home stronger had Tommy been the age of Oscar or Denny or Mowgan Le Fat. That would have prompted questions which would have needed answering. Tommy wouldn't have made the association and would still quite happily have thought of Alfie as "Daddy." He should. Alfie has done more for him in his two years of life than Michael could ever hoped to have done. This was simply a mean, malicious act. 

I hope Kat took note and pondered the mendacity of that. I also hope she zips those toxic tits up. They're disgusting on show like that.

That's Michael, all right ... such a dirty old man.

Same Shit Different Day.

Now for a little variation, Ava sports a laptop bag on her endless sprint around the Square. We're supposed to believe this is for work, as she runs into Sam the Sham who's popped into the cafe for a tea and a bacon sarnie. It's probably chocked full of bacon sarnies to sustain Ava the Rava in her daily Magic Negro patrol.

This circular storyline is so boring, and the involvement of the younger tranche of entitled teens, makes it even more pukeworthy.

Ava's angry because Sam's treating this as any normal morning and doesn't morph into Curly from Oklahoma! warbling "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning" after a night of mind-blowing sex with a Klingon ...

Oh, wait ... he does flatter her ego by telling her just how earth-shattering their sexual encounter was, before inviting her to share his tea and bacon sarnie ...

"Ooohh," titters Aunt Esther The Magic Negro, "just like a date." Except this duo of overgrown and oversexed middle-aged adolescents are hiding their tryst from their judgemental COCK of a son, who's on a control trip.

Just imagine, her comes Sam, astraddle Ava, meandering through the corn ... oops, sorry, that's a horse ...

And all because he woke up to this ...

Now for the really shitty part of the show: Abi, Dex-TAAAAAAAAAAAA (now known as "Dex"), Lola and Jay.

Really, the scene in the Arches where Jay and Dex-TAAAAAAAAAAAA are arguing over whether or not to take Sam the Sham's advance on his car, was butt-clinchingly embarrassing. Jay is beyond redemption now. To think of the powerful performances Jamie Borthwick put in last year in the wake of Heather's death and the aftermath, it's humiliating to see how they've effectively emasculated his character, making him the straightman to Mr Bojangles and the money tree to Abi's entitlement.

Even now, tonight, there's no thanks coming from either Abi or Lola for this holiday Jay's good sense and graft have accomplished. I give credit entirely to Jay, because had Dex-TAAAAAAAAA had his high-handed way, the work would have been all for nought, except for his mindless pride. And yet, all they could do was giggle and witter about bikini shopping. (Quite honestly, the thought of Abi the Doughfaced Girl with her thunder thighs, in a bikini is quite revolting). But that's how shallow they are. And that's how stupid this lot have become. 

There's no purpose to Dexter, just another character with daddy issues taking up where Joey left off. Jay has lost his entire character arc, which makes me think it's time for him to leave the show. In fact, three of that quartet could get lost in the New Forest and not be missed, and really, the only tenuous thread holding Lola to the show is the fact that she's the mother of a legacy character, Lexi, the granddaughter of Phil Mitchell.

In what was generally a watchable episode, the endlessly circular nothing that is Ava and Sam, practicing their over-acting, and the Infamously Fatuous Four, stank up the place.

Jay and Abi in the 1930s.

Foreshadowing the Shadows ...

The continuing story of Lauren. She seems to be getting rather ill. Kirsty notices. Peter notices. When Peter notices, Lauren shouts at him. Watch this space ... one week to go.

Update Already: I'm having a whale of a time laughing at the confused Luddites on DS and Walford Web, furiously scratching their heads about Carl's soliloquy. WalfordE20, who fancies himself an expert, even admits to not understanding Carl's well-spoken delivery. And who's to assume Carl is a working-class villain? We don't know his backstory. Villainy isn't restricted to the working classes, you know. I'm loving the fact that we have a well-spoken character on the wrong side of the law here. Who remembers Wilmot-Brown? 

The people who are having trouble with Carl seriously need to bone up on their vocabulary and learn to spell properly. It does pay to increase your word power.