There are some new kids in town - well, not kids, exactly. Apparently, there are two older people (meaning fifty and upwards) appearing on the Square in the near future. Rumour has it that both will be guest-starring at first, as tried-and-true suck-it-and-see trial for each character.
Patrick's getting a dancing party, a glamourous granny-type, who makes Cora the Bora green with envy.
Ballroom dancing for the olds ... let's see ... how many times has EastEnders tried that old chestnut for those characters past a certain age?
I blame Kate Harwood, and it's obvious that Newman learned her craft at the tutelage of Kate Harwood. Why? Well, under Harwood's watch, Pauline Fowler met Joe Macer at a ballroom dancing class. That worked out very nicely, didn't it?
Fast forward to 2010, and Patrick and Liz, Owen's mother, tripped the light fantastic to some ballroom dancing classes and won an award (but not from the BSAs). (Gosh, I miss Liz).
Now, Patrick gets yet another ballroom dancing storyline, this time contrived with the view, obviously, to getting Patrick together with that miserable old, whiskey-sodden bitch, Cora the Bora. Patrick deserved better. People of Patrick's age deserve better. Patrick should be a prime candidate for Strictly, the way he's tip-toed through the tulips of Walford with various partners.
And Jean .... pronounced in piercing screech ...Je-e-e-e-ANNNNNNNNNNN! ... gets a romance - and not one where she plays the chaser to a disinterested man.
I'm not the biggest fan of Jean, although I appreciate that most viewers get defensive about anyone criticising her, as if Jean's bi-polar condition precludes her from being criticised at all, in fact, elevates her to the level of some sort of saint, when she's not.
Jean can be a right, sly and conniving bitch with the best of them, especially when it comes to anything Janine. She can be annoying, frustrating and downright offensive at times - even obnoxious. Jean worked well with Stacey and Sean, but once they'd gone, she sank back into the realms of a comedy character, developing crushed on inappropriate men, shrieking about "sausage surprise," waffling on with new-age psychology gleaned from cheap women's magazines and sulking when she didn't get her way.
Under Newman, Jean's become SuperJean. She's gone from being a louse cook, to not only being a chef in the Vic, but an actual sous-chef at Ian Beale's new restaurant. She's a confidante and friend of Shirley's, a skinny version of Heather, and now she's going to have a green thumb. After years of waiting (a phenomenon we knew nothing about), she finally gets an allotment, and love blossoms amongst the cabbages.
Myself, I'd call time on Jean.
I'm actually hoping that these two characters are permanent. It might mean a couple more of the YOOF brigade make hasty exits.
Kid on a Hot Tin Roof.
Right, we all know now that this is the riot predicted for Tanya's departure, and thus it begins; because Tanya's leaving line is, of course, all about Lauren, played by ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
Credit where credit is due (but not for Jossa, I'm afraid) to the make-up department. They've paled Jossa down and rubbed kohl under her eyes, and told her not to wash her hair for a few days. That might make her look like an alkie in the throes of the d.t.s (delirium tremens), but there's no belying the fact that the girl couldn't act her way out of a paper bag. The scene where she was sitting on the stairs, with her hands shaking, made it so obvious that she was conscious of having to act that way, and being so conscious of the action, it looked phoney.
Yes, yes, yes, we know that alcoholics are the last to admit they have a problem, and resent anyone trying to help them overcome and recognise their addiction, but Jossa's angry scenes result in the same old same old - shouting, over-enunciating words, waving her arms about, screeching and gurning.
This girl is the gurn queen of Walford.
The amazing part of this storyline is Tanya's ignorance. The ironic part of the storyline has to be Cora. I'll explain both.
The one way in which I think EastEnders has let this storyline (and Tanya's leaving line) down has to do with TPTB's refusal to recognise the fact that the drinking problem with the Cross women is generational, as we've seen established in the history of the Mitchell clan.
Tanya could probably drink most men in Walford under the table and has quite often been seen drunk in the Vic. Her most constant accessory was an oversized wine glass. She drank on the flimsiest excuse - for celebrations, for commiserations, for camaraderie, for loneliness. Any excuse was enough for Tanya to crack open a bottle of wine, even doing Ava's nails. Tanya even bought the underaged Lauren excessive drink in the Vic one night, when she, herself, was off the rails as a rebellion against her cancer cold.
In fact, in recent months, we've seen Tanya get so drunk she passed out with Phil Mitchell in her bed and didn't remember a thing.
In the past as well, Lauren's excessive drinking has been noticed and acknowledged by her parents. In fact, in 2012, she got wasted at the Vic before her birthday celebrations, only to be dragged home by Cora, who promptly rewarded herself with a whiskey, and to be met by Tanya, brandishing the ubiquitous gigantic wineglass.
As for Cora, she might be a dab hand in countering Tanya's ignorance - Tanya insisting that keeping Lauren under lock and key and drying her out forcefully would be the only answer, whereas Cora the Bora was savvy enough to know from her experience with Rainie, that Tanya couldn't make Lauren do anything unless Lauren wanted to do so.
Tanya: What am I goin' ter do, mum? Let'er'it rock bottom?
Er, actually, Tanya, yes.
It's ironic that Cora should know how Tanya needs to approach this, and it's ironic that Cora then seeks solace at the bar of the Vic for the first of many whiskeys, telling Patrick she couldn't drink at home because Tanya's running a dry house for Lauren's benefit.
There you go ... Cora can't get through the day, herself, unless she's got permanent buzz from the firewater. A functioning alcoholic.
Examining Lauren's addictive personality, you have to examine the behaviour she's learned from her mother, her grandmother and her aunt.
Once again, we see Tanya pushing Max out of the equation, and once again, we see Lauren, usually the first child to turn on Max in a New York minute, pleading with Max to allow her to stay with him. Remember when she'd come home in disgrace from the States for having indulged in pot, rather than wait around for Tanya, she made a beeline for Max?
And we've got nothing less than a reprise of yet another Branning sprog caught in a precarious situation on a roof, as Lauren tries to escape for a desperately needed drink. There's even an indirect and tactless tip in Bradley's direction with Lauren's remark about jumping off the roof of the Vic if she wanted to do so, before running away to cadge a few drinks.
In two weeks' time, Tanya will go and Lauren will stay (more's the pity). One thing for certain and this will be all about Lauren.
Alice in Blunderland.
The single most distracting thing about Jasmyn Banks is her oversized and ill-fitting Hollywood teeth. Apparently, she got expensive veneers in anticipation of trying to break into Hollywood at some point, having heard that American filmmakers aren't best enamoured of the phenomenon known as "British Teeth".
Were I she, I'd have asked for a refund, because whoever did those veneers, did a pretty shitty job. They're over-sized to the point that they almost look like dentures, and everytime she moves her mouth, I wonder if she's got the Polygrip applied.
Tonight, Alice was introduced to the fact that psychopaths aren't above using sex as a means of manipulation for whatever purpose. Michael honed in on the fact that Alice was in crush mode yet again, and when she pointed out something that psychopaths can't bear to hear - that he couldn't control everything - he set out to teach her a lesson about exactly what he could control.
He had sex with her. More succinctly, he probably had angry, rampaging sex. It was a release of his own frustrations, and he probably fantasized doing the same thing to Janine during the act.
Alice thought it was wonderful. Like the insipid Abi thought her first time at - what-can-I-say-we-made-love - was wonderful, Alice thought it was sublime, and she also thought this made her and Michael a couple. For starters, these two don't have anything on which to compare the act of making love, as they were virgins. And I'll wager that, even though Michael was more experienced in dealing with Alice, he thought her efforts asinine, puerile and pedestrian, Abi's experience with Jay (also a first-timer) was awkward, icky and messy.
It's amazing that of all the people in the Square, it's only Poopy-Le-Dim who recognises Michael for what he is - a dangerous psychopath. When Alice hints at the identity of her mystery man, Poopy-Le-Dim is confused.
I'm confused too. Lola correctly identified the look on Alice's face as the same one on her face after she's been ... let's say the word ...laid; but the last time Lola was laid, the only look she bore on her face was one of confusion, because she slept with Ben and determined (wrongly) that he hadn't done anything so complete that she'd end up up the duff. A fat lot Lola knows about getting laid.
Peripheral to the storyline is the emegence ofMother Teresa Saint Kat of the Big Tits and the Round Arse, who's suddenly become spiritual, emotional and sexual advisor to the downtrodden of Albert Square. Is this the Immaculate Journey about which Newman waxed lyrical?
Sharon the Missionary.
The storyline about Sharon using the R and R as a benefit venue to raise money for the church roof is a non-starter, but one thing it did do, was re-establish Sharon (and Phil) as characters who are interesting, attractive and familiar when written properly. We know that Sharon's leaving for a few weeks at the end of this week. The best thing TPTB can do of this botch job is to return her as the Sharon we all know, and forget all about that imposter we've hated for the past year.
Ashdown's Branning Sharon ... epic fail.
Klingons on the Starboard Bow.
Joke of the night: Sam the Sham, about whom we care nothing, made a joke about Ava's classroom, about Dexter hypothetically bothering her at work. The real joke is that Ava is never at work. There she was again, ploughing through the Square on Magic Negro patrol, in the middle of the day.
I also hate these silly, coy references to her retconned past constantly brought up by Sam the Sham - tonight it was how she always nicked his chips, which led into her - you guessed it - nicking his chips. (That was a subtle sexual symbol).
Oh, and SuperTeach let rip with not one, but two, grammar clangers tonight ...
Ava the Rava: Me and Dexter was doing fine for twenty years.
I ask you.
But then, I ask you who the fuck Cock thinks he is that he can demand that Sam the Sham leave Walford. Leave Now. Go. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred quid. Complaining about his music, his very presence.
We get it. You have daddy issues. That disgusting habit you have of ordering your father to leave Walford or else,you've obviously inherited from your putrid grandmother's side of the biological family, because your entitled cousins do it all the time.
I'm not impressed with either Ava, Sam or the Little Cock. Lola was right about him. He was dead rude.
The Deal with the Beales.
The deal with the Beales is that Lucy wants to be Queen Bee. The deal with the Beales is that Peter is emerging as the peacemaker who sees Ian's side of the argument. The deal with the Beales is that Ben Hardy's character has more class and finesse than that of the appalling Tyler Moon, who put in an appearance tonight and tried to enuciate his lines.
The Deal with the Beales is that Lucy's found a letter from David to Carol, hidden in Derek's box that Ian found. Yes, David got a mention. More than that, he got a mention in a rare Beale moment for Bianca, when her cousin Lucy was asking her questions about Lucy's uncle and Bianca's dad, David. This is what I want to see - Bianca drawn more closely into the Beale dynamic.
And the retcon artists can stop creaming themselves at the thought of David Wicks returning with this mention tonight. This is the lead-in to Carl's introduction. TPTB are still trying to convince Michael French to return.
Pubic Service Announcement.
No, I didn' tleave out the "l". Tonight, we got a lesson in symptoms of the menopause and why it can be different for various women. Ethel got hot flashes - so does Carol. Dot got night sweats - so does Carol. And your periods stop.
And we even got a bit of psychological information as well. Carol's worried about Masood not wanting to be romantically associated with an "old woman," understandable, since he was recently chasing after a woman young enough to be his daughter. Masood has undergone a personality transplant entirely. Here's a man, who never mentions his wife's name at all. OK, I can understand that. But he's totally forgotten about Kamil, his youngest child. And that's unnatural.
Instead, we have Masood, a practicing Muslim, talking about his relationship with the hottest woman in Walford - an infidel who's had four kids by four men and more lovers than the Blackwall Tunnel sees cars.
Go figure.
Actually, not a bad episode, even for a Branning-centric one.
Patrick's getting a dancing party, a glamourous granny-type, who makes Cora the Bora green with envy.
Ballroom dancing for the olds ... let's see ... how many times has EastEnders tried that old chestnut for those characters past a certain age?
I blame Kate Harwood, and it's obvious that Newman learned her craft at the tutelage of Kate Harwood. Why? Well, under Harwood's watch, Pauline Fowler met Joe Macer at a ballroom dancing class. That worked out very nicely, didn't it?
Fast forward to 2010, and Patrick and Liz, Owen's mother, tripped the light fantastic to some ballroom dancing classes and won an award (but not from the BSAs). (Gosh, I miss Liz).
Now, Patrick gets yet another ballroom dancing storyline, this time contrived with the view, obviously, to getting Patrick together with that miserable old, whiskey-sodden bitch, Cora the Bora. Patrick deserved better. People of Patrick's age deserve better. Patrick should be a prime candidate for Strictly, the way he's tip-toed through the tulips of Walford with various partners.
And Jean .... pronounced in piercing screech ...Je-e-e-e-ANNNNNNNNNNN! ... gets a romance - and not one where she plays the chaser to a disinterested man.
I'm not the biggest fan of Jean, although I appreciate that most viewers get defensive about anyone criticising her, as if Jean's bi-polar condition precludes her from being criticised at all, in fact, elevates her to the level of some sort of saint, when she's not.
Jean can be a right, sly and conniving bitch with the best of them, especially when it comes to anything Janine. She can be annoying, frustrating and downright offensive at times - even obnoxious. Jean worked well with Stacey and Sean, but once they'd gone, she sank back into the realms of a comedy character, developing crushed on inappropriate men, shrieking about "sausage surprise," waffling on with new-age psychology gleaned from cheap women's magazines and sulking when she didn't get her way.
Under Newman, Jean's become SuperJean. She's gone from being a louse cook, to not only being a chef in the Vic, but an actual sous-chef at Ian Beale's new restaurant. She's a confidante and friend of Shirley's, a skinny version of Heather, and now she's going to have a green thumb. After years of waiting (a phenomenon we knew nothing about), she finally gets an allotment, and love blossoms amongst the cabbages.
Myself, I'd call time on Jean.
I'm actually hoping that these two characters are permanent. It might mean a couple more of the YOOF brigade make hasty exits.
Kid on a Hot Tin Roof.
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
Yes, yes, yes, we know that alcoholics are the last to admit they have a problem, and resent anyone trying to help them overcome and recognise their addiction, but Jossa's angry scenes result in the same old same old - shouting, over-enunciating words, waving her arms about, screeching and gurning.
This girl is the gurn queen of Walford.
The amazing part of this storyline is Tanya's ignorance. The ironic part of the storyline has to be Cora. I'll explain both.
The one way in which I think EastEnders has let this storyline (and Tanya's leaving line) down has to do with TPTB's refusal to recognise the fact that the drinking problem with the Cross women is generational, as we've seen established in the history of the Mitchell clan.
Tanya could probably drink most men in Walford under the table and has quite often been seen drunk in the Vic. Her most constant accessory was an oversized wine glass. She drank on the flimsiest excuse - for celebrations, for commiserations, for camaraderie, for loneliness. Any excuse was enough for Tanya to crack open a bottle of wine, even doing Ava's nails. Tanya even bought the underaged Lauren excessive drink in the Vic one night, when she, herself, was off the rails as a rebellion against her cancer cold.
In fact, in recent months, we've seen Tanya get so drunk she passed out with Phil Mitchell in her bed and didn't remember a thing.
In the past as well, Lauren's excessive drinking has been noticed and acknowledged by her parents. In fact, in 2012, she got wasted at the Vic before her birthday celebrations, only to be dragged home by Cora, who promptly rewarded herself with a whiskey, and to be met by Tanya, brandishing the ubiquitous gigantic wineglass.
As for Cora, she might be a dab hand in countering Tanya's ignorance - Tanya insisting that keeping Lauren under lock and key and drying her out forcefully would be the only answer, whereas Cora the Bora was savvy enough to know from her experience with Rainie, that Tanya couldn't make Lauren do anything unless Lauren wanted to do so.
Tanya: What am I goin' ter do, mum? Let'er'it rock bottom?
Er, actually, Tanya, yes.
It's ironic that Cora should know how Tanya needs to approach this, and it's ironic that Cora then seeks solace at the bar of the Vic for the first of many whiskeys, telling Patrick she couldn't drink at home because Tanya's running a dry house for Lauren's benefit.
There you go ... Cora can't get through the day, herself, unless she's got permanent buzz from the firewater. A functioning alcoholic.
Examining Lauren's addictive personality, you have to examine the behaviour she's learned from her mother, her grandmother and her aunt.
Once again, we see Tanya pushing Max out of the equation, and once again, we see Lauren, usually the first child to turn on Max in a New York minute, pleading with Max to allow her to stay with him. Remember when she'd come home in disgrace from the States for having indulged in pot, rather than wait around for Tanya, she made a beeline for Max?
And we've got nothing less than a reprise of yet another Branning sprog caught in a precarious situation on a roof, as Lauren tries to escape for a desperately needed drink. There's even an indirect and tactless tip in Bradley's direction with Lauren's remark about jumping off the roof of the Vic if she wanted to do so, before running away to cadge a few drinks.
In two weeks' time, Tanya will go and Lauren will stay (more's the pity). One thing for certain and this will be all about Lauren.
Alice in Blunderland.
The single most distracting thing about Jasmyn Banks is her oversized and ill-fitting Hollywood teeth. Apparently, she got expensive veneers in anticipation of trying to break into Hollywood at some point, having heard that American filmmakers aren't best enamoured of the phenomenon known as "British Teeth".
Were I she, I'd have asked for a refund, because whoever did those veneers, did a pretty shitty job. They're over-sized to the point that they almost look like dentures, and everytime she moves her mouth, I wonder if she's got the Polygrip applied.
Tonight, Alice was introduced to the fact that psychopaths aren't above using sex as a means of manipulation for whatever purpose. Michael honed in on the fact that Alice was in crush mode yet again, and when she pointed out something that psychopaths can't bear to hear - that he couldn't control everything - he set out to teach her a lesson about exactly what he could control.
He had sex with her. More succinctly, he probably had angry, rampaging sex. It was a release of his own frustrations, and he probably fantasized doing the same thing to Janine during the act.
Alice thought it was wonderful. Like the insipid Abi thought her first time at - what-can-I-say-we-made-love - was wonderful, Alice thought it was sublime, and she also thought this made her and Michael a couple. For starters, these two don't have anything on which to compare the act of making love, as they were virgins. And I'll wager that, even though Michael was more experienced in dealing with Alice, he thought her efforts asinine, puerile and pedestrian, Abi's experience with Jay (also a first-timer) was awkward, icky and messy.
It's amazing that of all the people in the Square, it's only Poopy-Le-Dim who recognises Michael for what he is - a dangerous psychopath. When Alice hints at the identity of her mystery man, Poopy-Le-Dim is confused.
I'm confused too. Lola correctly identified the look on Alice's face as the same one on her face after she's been ... let's say the word ...laid; but the last time Lola was laid, the only look she bore on her face was one of confusion, because she slept with Ben and determined (wrongly) that he hadn't done anything so complete that she'd end up up the duff. A fat lot Lola knows about getting laid.
Peripheral to the storyline is the emegence of
Sharon the Missionary.
The storyline about Sharon using the R and R as a benefit venue to raise money for the church roof is a non-starter, but one thing it did do, was re-establish Sharon (and Phil) as characters who are interesting, attractive and familiar when written properly. We know that Sharon's leaving for a few weeks at the end of this week. The best thing TPTB can do of this botch job is to return her as the Sharon we all know, and forget all about that imposter we've hated for the past year.
Ashdown's Branning Sharon ... epic fail.
Klingons on the Starboard Bow.
Joke of the night: Sam the Sham, about whom we care nothing, made a joke about Ava's classroom, about Dexter hypothetically bothering her at work. The real joke is that Ava is never at work. There she was again, ploughing through the Square on Magic Negro patrol, in the middle of the day.
I also hate these silly, coy references to her retconned past constantly brought up by Sam the Sham - tonight it was how she always nicked his chips, which led into her - you guessed it - nicking his chips. (That was a subtle sexual symbol).
Oh, and SuperTeach let rip with not one, but two, grammar clangers tonight ...
Ava the Rava: Me and Dexter was doing fine for twenty years.
I ask you.
But then, I ask you who the fuck Cock thinks he is that he can demand that Sam the Sham leave Walford. Leave Now. Go. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred quid. Complaining about his music, his very presence.
We get it. You have daddy issues. That disgusting habit you have of ordering your father to leave Walford or else,you've obviously inherited from your putrid grandmother's side of the biological family, because your entitled cousins do it all the time.
I'm not impressed with either Ava, Sam or the Little Cock. Lola was right about him. He was dead rude.
The Deal with the Beales.
The deal with the Beales is that Lucy wants to be Queen Bee. The deal with the Beales is that Peter is emerging as the peacemaker who sees Ian's side of the argument. The deal with the Beales is that Ben Hardy's character has more class and finesse than that of the appalling Tyler Moon, who put in an appearance tonight and tried to enuciate his lines.
The Deal with the Beales is that Lucy's found a letter from David to Carol, hidden in Derek's box that Ian found. Yes, David got a mention. More than that, he got a mention in a rare Beale moment for Bianca, when her cousin Lucy was asking her questions about Lucy's uncle and Bianca's dad, David. This is what I want to see - Bianca drawn more closely into the Beale dynamic.
And the retcon artists can stop creaming themselves at the thought of David Wicks returning with this mention tonight. This is the lead-in to Carl's introduction. TPTB are still trying to convince Michael French to return.
Pubic Service Announcement.
No, I didn' tleave out the "l". Tonight, we got a lesson in symptoms of the menopause and why it can be different for various women. Ethel got hot flashes - so does Carol. Dot got night sweats - so does Carol. And your periods stop.
And we even got a bit of psychological information as well. Carol's worried about Masood not wanting to be romantically associated with an "old woman," understandable, since he was recently chasing after a woman young enough to be his daughter. Masood has undergone a personality transplant entirely. Here's a man, who never mentions his wife's name at all. OK, I can understand that. But he's totally forgotten about Kamil, his youngest child. And that's unnatural.
Instead, we have Masood, a practicing Muslim, talking about his relationship with the hottest woman in Walford - an infidel who's had four kids by four men and more lovers than the Blackwall Tunnel sees cars.
Go figure.
Actually, not a bad episode, even for a Branning-centric one.
About Kats big tits,
ReplyDeleteNo one can argue that some of the ladies of 30+ Walford are piling on the pounds (as have I at 38) but I'm not sure that Kats tits are 'that' big. I have put this down to a little extra growth from the extra few pounds - ok, stone may be more appropriate, but down to how she dresses.
Thankfully she has toned down with the ridiculous leopard print in every scene & when it wasn't, dressed up in clothes meant for girls half her age. She still looks tarty mind but then this is Kat & this is why her tits look big because they are always pushed up to her chin.. to make them look bigger :--)