Tanya Week: Lauren Is Curious (Yellow) - Review: 24.06.2013

Alcohol and pills ... well, the pillbox queen is off in Florida, without nary a farewell to her BFF Tanya.

Thus beginneth the last week of Tanya' sojourn on Walford Square. It did my heart a world of good to see what Jo Joyner had to say about her character, and it matched, exactly, the criticisms I've levelled at Tanya over the past seven years.

I've no gripe with Jo Joyner. She seems like a nice woman, but I thoroughly hated Tanya with a passion. In fact, there are few characters I've hated more. She was a hypocrite's hypocrite, and to deny that she had drinking issues would be like denying that the sun shines in the sky. She, like her mother, is a functioning alcoholic, and her daughter learned her drinking habits at the feet of two apt masters - or mistresses. Even Jack contributed to Lauren's early addiction, serving her and fourteen year-old Peter Beale alcopops in the afternoon at the R and R.

I still have a lot of difficulty watching her leave Walford, without the fact that she tried to murder her husband in the worst sort of way - burial alive - without anyone batting an eyelid about this. In fact, it's become a sort of one-sided private joke brought up on various occasions at impromptu Branning family gatherings. Tanya's on the outs with Max, Max cracks a joke about being buried alive, and Tanya shits her already dirty knickers.

In fact, that's an apt description of Tanya. She's always seemed to me to be this outwardly pristine yummy mummy, dressed to the nines, but wearing the same knickers for three days solid. Yuck. But that's really what Tanya was all about - a common-and-garden version of Hyacinthe Bucket, straight from a sink estate, with all the material trappings of the middle class, socially aspiring and snobby, but nothing more than common trailer trash.

I'm glad she's leaving. I hope she doesn't return. My only regret is that she's not taking her entitled daughters and her putrid old mother wiht her.

The Tits-and-Ass Treasure Hunt.

One year ago Janine was getting married, being bullied into tearing up her pre-nup, having her waters break at the ceremony and going into premature labour. And it was Abi's birthday.

She was off to Costa Rica, after Jay had foisted a ring on her and asked her to marry him - nay, even tried to elope with her to keep her from going to Costa Rica to further her studies. At the same time, Max had proposed to Tanya, and given her an engagement ring, knowing full well that he had a wife stashed away in nearby South London. Remember the scene of Tanya taking Abi to the airport, proudly flashing her ring as Abi shyly and slyly removed hers?

So tonight, Abi's unwrapping a newly-delivered bustier, chosen with great care by her and Lola, whose taste is questionable, and paid for, unbeknownst to him, by Max's credit card - obviously bought online and paid for via Max's credit card details which Abi has somehow managed to obtain.

Oo-er ... where have we seen that before? Oh yes, Lauren did the same thing way back in 2007 to buy a camcorder for three hundred quid, and Max ended up apologising to her for punishing her. Go figure.

Thus, it's always been that way in the Branning household, and yummy mummy Tanya shares a private giggle with Abi at the fact that Max is being rumbled for an expensive present without his knowledge. Tanya presumably finds this amusing as Max has re-married and is starting a second family.

Abi in a bustier. That conjures up pictures of Ruby Allen in that black bustier and fishnet stockings, sprawled on the bed awaiting Juley, and looking all of twelve years old. A paedophile's dream.

Abi, might look twelve, but Abi in a bustier makes me think of Baby Huey in his matinee jacket.

Everyone's getting ready for Abi's 17th birthday party - 17 going on 12, she is - and somehow, it seems that Lauren is in on this extravaganza and has been charged with telling all the local friends and relatives invited.

Except that Lauren was last seen, drunk and climbing into a cab with several male people.

So the heat is on ...

... to find Lauren, during the course of which, we find out several snippets about Lauren that we never knew and which have a curious whiff of retcon about them.

For example, did you know that Lauren's ages old Samsung mobile (not the Smartphone) is virtually glued to her hand, like all the time. Yet how many times have we seen her dash off for a quick drink without the apparatus? Also, that she normally checks in with Tanya at least every five minutes. 

Hellooooo? How many times during the past year have we had Tanya/Lucy/Abi/Max ringing and ringing her phone only for it to go to voicemail?

Abi's regressed to little girl status, wondering where Lauren is, is Lauren going to show up, as if suddenly it's massively important. I can't even remember Lauren being around last year to say goodbye to Abi going off to Costa Rica.

So, after finding that Lauren's not been at Max's all night, Tanya and Max begin combing the area in search of her, whereupon we find what a truly snide bitch Lucy Beale really is.

But first a bit about Tanya's reaction: when it looks as though, Lauren's empty bed at Max's seems to indicate she spent the night at Peter's - as in, sleeping in Peter's bed, Tanya can't mask a gloating smile.

Bingo!!!!!! Phwoarrrrrrr, she shoots, she scorrrrrrrresssss! Mah baby go'er man. Vat's all that counts ...

You could just hear the pithy little thoughts scurrying through her one braincell. I thought the confrontation between Max and the twins was telling. Who the fuck is Lucy Beale to speak to Max like that as well? There is something called respect, and whilst Lucy, in her former incarnation, was offhand and rude to Ian, she was never this disrespectful to either of the Brannings. They were concerned parents looking for their missing daughter, whom they had reason to believe may be in trouble.

Of course, we, the viewers, know that Lucy's deliberate appearance at the restaurant, with brain-dead Joey ...

prompted Lauren's relapse. That she could lie so easily should come as no surprise either, nor her facile attempt to convince her twin that she lied to save his skin from a hiding by Max. Another unbelievable occurrance is that Lauren's bag, with its contents intact, including her phone, was still on the pavement outside the R and R, half-a-day after her having dropped it there the night before. I mean, this is LONDON, people! Tamwar finding it and ferrying it about the market until the phone rings when he's literally right next to Max Branning.

Contrived scene, anyone?

Highlights of this vignette was the obvious bond that still exists between Max and Tanya, coupled with Kirsty's heightening insecurity about that relationship as it's become patently obvious from her purchase in the Mini Mart that she's not achieved a pregnancy again this month, although how she hides the fact that she's got tampons around the house from Max is anyone's guess. 

She's frightened and insecure and so she does what Tanya does when she's frightened and insecure - reach for the bottle.

Then there are the reactions of the younger bratpack to the fact that no alcoholic beverages are allowed. Dexter's was the most putrid reaction of all - griping about having to sit, drinkless, in a roomful of "geriatric relatives," was totally rude. What a rude, mouthy little asshole, whose pithy, lazy mother hasn't thought to teach him the rudiments of good behaviour, much less how to speak properly.

I don't know who I dislike more - the older "teen" element of Lauren, Lucy, Joey etc or Abi the Dough-Faced Girl, Jay the Boy Without Balls, Dex-TAAAAAAA or Lola, who seems to have entirely forgotten Lexi, dumping her with Pops or Phil or someone so she can go out later and get wasted, having suffered the teetotal environment of the Branning household.

Add to that, the stinking old trout Cora the Bora, who stomps into the birthday den adamantly objecting to being forced to drink lemonade all night. Who remembers her necking down neat whiskey with Lauren at the beginning of this year? It was also this old coot who got Abi drunk when she was only fifteen. You can watch the clip here.

Lauren was weaned in a household where drink was more than a necessity, it was a way of life.

And then the party girl, herself, arrives .. full kudos to the make-up department for a realistic depiction of jaundice, with Lauren's face, at least, yellow from the excess bile her damanged liver was unable to process, so it's working its way out of her very pores (although, in truth, a person would have to put away a litre of booze a day for about ten years before he/she got to that state, but hey, this is not only Tanya's leaving line, it's a public service announcement, like Brookside used to be ...

Jossa's performance was better tonight, mostly because she didn't have to scream, speak or emote, just languish into an eye-rolling faint.

So now the stage is set for Tanya Week.

Mad About the Boy.

The more I see of Carl, the more I like him, especially after having viewed his interview on the BBC EastEnders' website. This is a man who knows his character, and the interpretation of Carl is all his own.

For once, TPTB have matched the actor to the character and not the opposite. I understand perfectly what he means when he says that Carl is a Shakespearian villan, in the tradition of Iago or Richard III - and Iago was ever the more interesting character in that tragedy than Othello. We also learn from the character interview that Carl's spent five years in prison on drugs-related charges, and that he's a mean piece of work.

Based on the fact that Ian Beale's inadvertantly stolen 10K which belonged to him, we know that Carl means business in getting it back. Any doubts that Carl's a nasty piece of work, you'll do well to remember his brother and mate who cornered Derek and beat him to a pulp - obviously, now, in hindsight, because Derek had Carl's money.

But what got me most about Coonan's interview was that he's a genuine fan of the show, having watched it from inception. He got me when he said how upset he was that Den and Ange had left the show in 1989. He's well-steeped in the history of the show and in its innate brand and seems intent on promoting that.

Such a difference to the catalogue models and occasional drama school youth who, like the target audience Newman seems intent on pleasing, have only watched the show from 2006 at least or 2000 at most.

That Carl is a manipulator is obvious, but it doesn't take much to manipulate Alice, with her shiny new Hollywood veneers. Although she's quick to accuse Carl of machinations and lies when he said he'd he'd met her before, she was easily snookered when he waxed lyrical about how Derek looked out for him and got to be friendly with him in prison. Now, this may or may not be true, but Alice is hooked on anything positive that's said about a father she barely knew.

And he sussed Joey as well, sticking the knife in about Derek being proud of him and saying how good-looking Joey probably was. At first, I thought this might be a massive retcon, especially with Alice, but the writing was tight enough to stop short of saying Derek spoke about Alice inside when he never knew she existed. Very apt observation of Carl re Joey that he was virtually a chip off the old block.

Carl's powers of observation aren't much off the mark, and I'll bet he can be really dangerous.

It's obvious that he's in Walford for two things - his money (which at a rate of £500 per week, means he'll be around for at least 20 weeks, or five months) and Kirsty, and we know that probably from next week, he'll step up a gear in that direction.

His presence only adds to Kirsty's tension, but I like a bad boy who's going to make a few of the locals squirm.

Six Tits and Three Tattoos.

Tonight, we were subjected to Kat's massive chest, Kirsty's massive chest, and Roxy's heaving bosom hidden under a flowing top after having a sexual session upstairs with Alfie, which they broadcast to the world. Add to that, Kirsty's gun tattoo on the inside of her right wrist, Roxy's sun in splendour on her shoulder and Kat's recent tattoo also on her wrist and you have six tits and three tattoos sat at a bar trying to outdo each other.

Do these women not realise that in 30 years' time, they're going to have wrinkly old ink marks on chicken skin?

We're on a mission with Newman to redeem Kat, so now we have to witness her counsel Kirsty to come clean with Max about the false pregnancy (as if "honesty" were a by-word with Kat in her own marriage - still waiting for that apology to Alfie), fend off Carl's attentions in a way which  was heavily threatening (as if Kat could bully Carl the way she bullies Lister and Tamwar) and sit at the bar and glare menacingly at Roxy and Alfie cooing sweet nothings to each other.

Yes, yes, yes ... she still loves Alfie, and the fool still has feelings for her. But Alfie is genuinely trying to move on, and she sits there and glares jealous daggers in every direction.

I'm still waiting, Kat ... I can't hear you ... I want to hear a heartfelt apology from her for absolutely ruining Alfie's life and betraying his trust. Oh, and whilst she's whiling away the afternoon/evening drinking in the Vic, who's watching Tommy? Because it wasn't Alfie.

Gee, do you think it could be that paragon of fatherhood, Michael Moon?

Kirsty's insecurities are coming to the for, the apogee of which will fall to pieces on Friday, and Roxy is worried, like Kirsty, that she's not yet pregnant. Here are two women who are so much alike in wanting to have a child with the man they're with out of insecurities in that relationship. A child with Max would give Kirsty the same leverage with him that Tanya has. A child witl Alfie would give Roxy an advantage over Kat, in actually having Alfie's child. I'd be willing to bet she falls pregnant just when he's dumping her for the slut.

Someone should have warned Carl about associating too much with the Walford bike, with emphasis on bedbugs, Derek and possible STDs.

For the beginning of a major week's worth of programmes, this was a pretty weak episode, but then Lauren Klee did write it.