Whoda thunk that, eh?
Let's get the Masood gay wedding out of the way, wave good-bye to Chryed and devote the rest of the autumn leading up to the big day to the family that spreads its love and influence across the face of Walford like a running sore. That's right, folks ... It's the Brannings!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Cue music).
Tonight's episode was like a dysfunctional sitcom without the humour, with a splash of unfunny scenes from Kim (as usual) and badly attempted pathos from a storyline about a couple most people stopped caring about ages ago.
It's totally official that there are now no likeable Brannings. Abi crossed the Rubicon into that nebulous territory inhabited by sullen, spoiled, entitled, mouthy little bitches, who think they know everything and know nothing. At least, she won't be lonely with the likes of her lazy-assed, alky sister, the walking skeleton known as Lucy Beale, and Lola to accompany her.
The most deplorable part about the Branning dominance is having to watch one of the show's original characters and a real EastEnders' icon, Sharon, prop them up and play second-fiddle to their dysfunctional, sensationalist shite.
Abi turned sixteen whilst she was away in Costa Rica, having her hair bleached and learning how to apply false eyelashes. The normal thing for parents to do is to celebrate the impending birthday before she leaves, not wait until some random moment after she's returned.
That first scene was cheesy, and in case Max and Tanya haven't noticed, Abi didn't invite any of her so-called new mates from sixth form college, probably because, I imagine, she haasn't attended any classes. She's been too busy helping Lola nick cleaning supplies from Michael and bonding with her new "family" to worry about classes.
To be honest, I'm bored with the star-crossed East End attempt to emulate Romeo and Juliet, by way of a poor attempt to recreate Sonia-and-Jamie. Jay has become the means by which EastEnders can, once again, deflect a character's desire to better themselves, and how long before we see the two running off to get married and then get quickly bored with each other; then the cheating will commence.
Sharon with the Brannings is distinctly hateful. It's as though she's a different character, and I'm wondering if the inclusion of the odd scene, however brief it may be, between Sharon and Phil, juxtaposed with her Branning life, is a deliberate attempt to show people the real and natural Sharon as she is in the company of Phil as opposed to the perma-tanned, big-haired caricatured lovechild of Miss Piggy and Dolly Parton she becomes whenever she's in the presence of whichever Branning.
Even Little Lord Fauntleroy (Kim's designation of DamienDen was the line of the night) is more likeable when he's with his Uncle Phil than when Jack
Jack Branning
is hovering about, playing the responsible male role model, with nary a thought for his mute daughter living across the Square or the daughter he disabled and whom he never sees in France or the son - whose mother is Sharon's ex-sister-in-law, Sam Mitchell - whom he's rarely seen and living in Portugal. Jack's sole motive for getting good with Fauntleroy is simply a means of getting to Sharon's woo-woo, which has been off limits to Jack since she jumped him her first night back in Walford. Trust me, splinters in a girl's woo-woo hurt like hell.
Her acting in the scene where Fauntleroy was play-boxing the Plank was embarrassing, and her friendship with Tanya is the most forced association in the history of EastEnders. In another time and place, Tanya would be seething with jealousy over someone like Sharon and Sharon wouldn't be bothered to wipe her stiletto on Tanya's fat ass.
Can't the writers see this? Obviously not, since they're catering to the lowest common denominator of viewer - people so shallow they think pretty Sharon has to get with pretty Jack, people who subscribe to the notion of "evil Janine" or "Phil is vile" and who haven't progressed much past the "Jamie is fit" stage to find themselves drooling over the mouth-breathing piece of mutton known as David Witts.
So Tanya's the Yummy Mummy who's got a real girl's crush on the resident Over-protective Yummy Mummy and they bond over Bananarama. Funny, apart from The Banned, I don't remember Sharon hyperventilating over Bananarama at all in the 80s. Besides, Tanya's 36 and Sharon's 43. In 1985, Tanya would have been 9 years old to Sharon's sixteen. I would have thought Tanya's musical coming-of-age would have been somewhere in the early 90s. Go figure.
But, anyway, now we have all the hate-ridden suspects lining up. Derek's annoyed with Tanya (albeit mollified by a pseudo apology made by Max) and now he's annoyed with Sharon for speaking her mind to him.
Know what?
I'm not someone to defend Derek. In fact, I hate him, but Sharon really had no right butting in like that when she didn't know Derek and didn't know the circumstance surrounding Alice's mugging.It would have been enough for Jack to say that the police were straightened by their own circumstances and had better things to do than running around like headless chickens looking for hoodies on bicycles; but Sharon had to be brought into the equation, and Sir Jackshit had to be her knight in shining armour. A big part of this ploy was to bring out into the open the real truth about the death of Fauntleroy's father, Saint Dennis Rickman.
So Jack's hope of ending the night on a promise is spoiled by Derek also.
Poor Derek.
All he wants is an apology ...
And a little respect ...
which has to be earned, to say the least.
Speaking of Derek, he really can't win, can he? That poor attempt at comedy with the policeman was a real limp biscuit. The highlight of the scene was the return of the Walford Mattress, Twitney (minus the "T" bit) and the way Joey the Tadpole
employed his X-ray vision to undress her with his eyes in a matter of nano-seconds. It's not too long after that that he's snogging her in Max's kitchen, referring to her boyfriend Tyler, virtually as a non-person, and doing what he did because he could. Tyler War is coming soon. Of course, Joey the Tadpole has to get back at Tyler because of that smack Tyler gave him, so he's going to be Derek's Shaggerman to Whitney's Kat, I'll bet.
Oh, goody. Because Whitney is another knicker-dropper for the latest bad boy and, just like Saint Kathleen of the Fallen Halo, nothing Whitney does is ever her fault. Another terminal victim to be loved, coddled and pitied.
One good thing ... at least gurney Lauren stayed in the background tonight. I suppose she was trying not to inhale her upper lip.
And, people, how soon at the Branningapalooza non-party did it take for Cora to get drunk? Answer? Not long, because she had a definite buzz on at the end.
And now for something completely different ... the Masoods. Yes, and the wedding. Speaking of which, when are Mas and Zainab getting married again? Probably never, considering that Zainab is up to the same old same old, going behind Mas's back, undermining his authority and lying to him. Just like every other married woman in Walford.
I'd love to know why the current production crew of EastEnders hate men so. And Gary Lucy must feel as honoured as Jesse Birdsall to know that TPTB have used his presence and his name as less than a cameo and more of a non-entity. Both Lucy and Birdsall, as actors, would grace EastEnders, but since EastEnders caters to children and hystericals like vaslav37 (who's now campaigning for the return of David Wicks and the love story that never was with Carol Jackson), neither of these actors would even be considered. If they axed the bulk of the Brat Pack, maybe they could afford them and pull in more viable viewers.
And finally, the Mitchells ... for all Cora's bad advice, while Lola stomps and throws hissy fits and shows the authorities how immature she is, Billy quietly goes to work behind the scenes and speaks to the social worker on her behalf. Result? A three-hour visit the next day from Lexie and an opportunity for Lola to beging to mend fences with Social Services.
Notice to whom Phil Mitchell listens? And notice the difference in mien, behaviour and delivery from Sharon as well as solid EastEnd advice. That, people, is the making of an EastEnd matriarch - not some old drunken lag pulled off a sink estate and thrown in at the deep end. Sharon knows the area and only gives advice to the people she knows intimately - Phil and Ian. Cora's free with bad advice to anyone with an ear,. She threatened a pregnant woman in the early stages of pregnancy, and later, she bullied her on the day she went into premature labour. Before Lola went into labour, she thought she was the dredge end of last night's curb vomit. Now, because of a similar circumstance, she's all but her benefactor, even telling her granddaughter to prioritise the mouthy little skank as her friend.
Phil's "terms" for helping Billy and Lola with Lexie is custody of the child. We all know that.
Oh, and Alice and Ray are so going to get together - much to Derek's racist chagrin. Count Ray in as one of the many who'll be hating Derek enough to kill him.
I can just see a Murder on the Walford East Tube train scenario.
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