This sums up exactly what I feel about EastEnders at this moment:-
Yes, watching EastEnders at the moment is like watching the slow and agonising death of a dear friend or loved one. You wonder when it's going to end and the sufferer will be put out of his misery, and then he seems to recover for a bit, only to relapse into a rotten wait for the inevitable.
The Brannings are sucking the life out of this show. How many more weddings to we have to watch Tanya plan, especially having her pointedly remind her daughters that on the eventual day, everyone will be looking at her, so it really doesn't matter what her "bridesmaids" wear - ne'mind Abi's dress dragging the ground and heaven forbid that that unequalled paragon of feminine grace and beauty, Lauren of the Upper Lip ...
should want to show a bit of cleavage, nothing should ever distract any and all attention from Saint Tanya of the Fat Arse and Thick Ankles. Because everything is always ever only about Tanya. All roads lead to Tanya, and anyone thinking otherwise can just think again. I guess that Tanya put that real C-Lister Sharon in her place. Looks as though this friendship wasn't deep enough to merit Sharon being a bridesmaid. Or maybe Tanya thought someone at the wedding might glance at Sharon instead of her.
So now all this coy attempt at to-ing and fro-ing begins between Lauren of the Upper Lip and Joey the Turd ...
and with all the best will in the world, any attempt at creating sexual tension between this singularly unattractive, spoiled and entitled little madam and the steroidically enhanced showroom dummy is absolutely lost. Why? Because the actors are so shitty, for lack of a better word. LipGirl is in a strop because Turdhopper has sneaked a kiss off her best friend, who's prone (pun intended) to bestowing more than just a chaste kiss on whatever bad boy attracts her fancy. Of course, the matter is complicated because Turdhopper just happens to live with LipGirl's other best friend, Miss Bag o'Bones, who happens to own the greasy spoon, the greasy chippie and a fruit'n veg stall.
LipGirl is taking the moral high ground, but - being a Branning - that's a deep dark hole to most normal people. And we know that she's really attracted to Turdhopper, who happens to be her first cousin. I mean, didja get the symbolism when he followed her tensely up the stairs and grabbed hold of her bridesmaid's dress? I'll bet thousands of teenaged girls and vaslav37 had to change their knickers, they creamed themselves so much.
A-huh-a-huh-a-huh ...
I mean, what if they fuck each other and LipGirl gets pregnant? I mean, what if she has a baby? I mean, they're both so beautiful, can'tcha just imagine what the baby might look like?
On second thought, let's not go there. I mean, it is inbreeding after all ...
Oh, and didja catch the other overt symbolism in BranningLand? Turdhopper's double-entendre charged sales pitch proved that not only is he as manipulative and lying as his reptilian father, he's also as amoral as his Uncles Max and Jack the Peg (with the extra leg - and we all know what that extra leg is ...
Forgive me if I don't give a damn about these people who are killing off this once great programme.
Then, there's Tamwar's birthday, or rather his non-birthday. The Brannings remembered Sharon's (only when told by Phil) and proffered up a birthday party sans Ian and from whom Lucy left early. Today, only Fatboy (Arthur's regressed) and Poppy remembered Tamwar's birthday with a special birthday rap, sound effects courtesy of Poppy.
(Please. When will EastEnders realise that they can't do comedy when it's intentional?)
At least now we know that Masood is a part-time postman and full-time classroom assistant. I'd never have guessed, and on his first day of work at the Arches, AJ gets a day off, lifts the Masood's housekeeping money and buys himself a thirty year-old motorbike, which he cleverly bestows on Tamwar, when he's made aware of his birthday.
Arguably, the best scene of the night was Tamwar's soliloquy to the assembled Fatboy, Poppy, Brother Syed the Pathetic, Christian, Masood and AJ, about how he didn't want any of them to celebrate his birthday, but was glad they did. I cannot believe Syed is so fucking self-centred and narcissistic to obsess on and on in a whine about poor, pitiful him destroying his family.
Well, guess what, Buster? You did, and others see through your self-pity, even if Christian's too gaga to ignore it. It will be a cold day in hell before Masood sits at a table with Syed without remembering what he's done on two occasions, big time.
The star of the show had to be Phil and his beginning to build a respectable image of himself in order to gain custody of Lexie - starting with dodging the Border Patrol officials, having hired illegals to re-decorate the Vic. We also find out he's into a bit of counterfeiting too. The other best scenes in this mishmash were those in which Steve McFadden shared with Letitia Dean. Talk about natural chemistry! TPTB - and, yes, that means you, Lorraine Newman - are attempting to recreate this with the gurning Jacqueline Jossa and the untalented and ineffectual David Witts, when it's there for all to see with McFadden and Dean.
And the difference in her performance against McFadden as opposed to anything she does with Scott Maslen - no breathy, affected delivery, no bosom-heaving, no pouting. Today saw Sharon as the Sharon everyone knew - natural - even her hair and make-up looked normal - and no-nonsense, yet understanding with Phil, leaving him in no doubt that, even though she said her help was a one-off, she'd help him out again. Phil loves Sharon, and Sharon's trying to tell herself she doesn't love Phil, but deep down, she knows better - although I'm sure Moaning Lisa the Flying Monkey troll will hijack the episode thread on Digital Spy to ask countless questions from all angles about the fact that Jimmy the Brief briefly mentioned Shirley in passing, only to have Phil admit pointedly that Shirley was "no longer an option." (By the way, this is a rehash of the storyline Shirley forced on Phil in order to get him custody of Louise - only Shirley used it as a way to worm herself into the Mitchell household and into Phil's bed). Sorry, Moaning Lisa, Sharon is not a replacement for Shirley. Sharon is the woman Phil's always loved and wanted, and he's not above doing whatever he can to get her where he reckons she belongs - in his bed. And this will be one time, when that union is effected, that Phil will not cheat on Sharon - not with Glenda and certainly not with that rag, bone and hank of hair, Shirley.
One Final Mother of All Updates: David Witts is no Nigel Harman. He doesn't even physically resemble him. Harman was a competent actor, and Dennis Rickman was a complicated, yet sympathetic and likeable character. Witts is cheap stud beefcake, a catalogue underwear mannequin who thinks that because he's pretty and pumped up, that he can act. It doesn't work that way. As for Jossa, she's a gurner, who lost any soupcon of acting ability the moment she started believing her own publicity. She's essentially playing herself, a girl so up her backside, she'll need sunglasses when presented with the light of day.
Lauren is no Sharon and Joey the Turd is an insult to Dennis Rickman's memory, and any tweenie sharing a braincell with his/her mates who makes such a comparison needs to brush toothpaste on your head to repair the cavity in your brain.
Yes, watching EastEnders at the moment is like watching the slow and agonising death of a dear friend or loved one. You wonder when it's going to end and the sufferer will be put out of his misery, and then he seems to recover for a bit, only to relapse into a rotten wait for the inevitable.
The Brannings are sucking the life out of this show. How many more weddings to we have to watch Tanya plan, especially having her pointedly remind her daughters that on the eventual day, everyone will be looking at her, so it really doesn't matter what her "bridesmaids" wear - ne'mind Abi's dress dragging the ground and heaven forbid that that unequalled paragon of feminine grace and beauty, Lauren of the Upper Lip ...
should want to show a bit of cleavage, nothing should ever distract any and all attention from Saint Tanya of the Fat Arse and Thick Ankles. Because everything is always ever only about Tanya. All roads lead to Tanya, and anyone thinking otherwise can just think again. I guess that Tanya put that real C-Lister Sharon in her place. Looks as though this friendship wasn't deep enough to merit Sharon being a bridesmaid. Or maybe Tanya thought someone at the wedding might glance at Sharon instead of her.
So now all this coy attempt at to-ing and fro-ing begins between Lauren of the Upper Lip and Joey the Turd ...
and with all the best will in the world, any attempt at creating sexual tension between this singularly unattractive, spoiled and entitled little madam and the steroidically enhanced showroom dummy is absolutely lost. Why? Because the actors are so shitty, for lack of a better word. LipGirl is in a strop because Turdhopper has sneaked a kiss off her best friend, who's prone (pun intended) to bestowing more than just a chaste kiss on whatever bad boy attracts her fancy. Of course, the matter is complicated because Turdhopper just happens to live with LipGirl's other best friend, Miss Bag o'Bones, who happens to own the greasy spoon, the greasy chippie and a fruit'n veg stall.
LipGirl is taking the moral high ground, but - being a Branning - that's a deep dark hole to most normal people. And we know that she's really attracted to Turdhopper, who happens to be her first cousin. I mean, didja get the symbolism when he followed her tensely up the stairs and grabbed hold of her bridesmaid's dress? I'll bet thousands of teenaged girls and vaslav37 had to change their knickers, they creamed themselves so much.
A-huh-a-huh-a-huh ...
I mean, what if they fuck each other and LipGirl gets pregnant? I mean, what if she has a baby? I mean, they're both so beautiful, can'tcha just imagine what the baby might look like?
On second thought, let's not go there. I mean, it is inbreeding after all ...
Oh, and didja catch the other overt symbolism in BranningLand? Turdhopper's double-entendre charged sales pitch proved that not only is he as manipulative and lying as his reptilian father, he's also as amoral as his Uncles Max and Jack the Peg (with the extra leg - and we all know what that extra leg is ...
Forgive me if I don't give a damn about these people who are killing off this once great programme.
Then, there's Tamwar's birthday, or rather his non-birthday. The Brannings remembered Sharon's (only when told by Phil) and proffered up a birthday party sans Ian and from whom Lucy left early. Today, only Fatboy (Arthur's regressed) and Poppy remembered Tamwar's birthday with a special birthday rap, sound effects courtesy of Poppy.
(Please. When will EastEnders realise that they can't do comedy when it's intentional?)
At least now we know that Masood is a part-time postman and full-time classroom assistant. I'd never have guessed, and on his first day of work at the Arches, AJ gets a day off, lifts the Masood's housekeeping money and buys himself a thirty year-old motorbike, which he cleverly bestows on Tamwar, when he's made aware of his birthday.
Arguably, the best scene of the night was Tamwar's soliloquy to the assembled Fatboy, Poppy, Brother Syed the Pathetic, Christian, Masood and AJ, about how he didn't want any of them to celebrate his birthday, but was glad they did. I cannot believe Syed is so fucking self-centred and narcissistic to obsess on and on in a whine about poor, pitiful him destroying his family.
Well, guess what, Buster? You did, and others see through your self-pity, even if Christian's too gaga to ignore it. It will be a cold day in hell before Masood sits at a table with Syed without remembering what he's done on two occasions, big time.
The star of the show had to be Phil and his beginning to build a respectable image of himself in order to gain custody of Lexie - starting with dodging the Border Patrol officials, having hired illegals to re-decorate the Vic. We also find out he's into a bit of counterfeiting too. The other best scenes in this mishmash were those in which Steve McFadden shared with Letitia Dean. Talk about natural chemistry! TPTB - and, yes, that means you, Lorraine Newman - are attempting to recreate this with the gurning Jacqueline Jossa and the untalented and ineffectual David Witts, when it's there for all to see with McFadden and Dean.
And the difference in her performance against McFadden as opposed to anything she does with Scott Maslen - no breathy, affected delivery, no bosom-heaving, no pouting. Today saw Sharon as the Sharon everyone knew - natural - even her hair and make-up looked normal - and no-nonsense, yet understanding with Phil, leaving him in no doubt that, even though she said her help was a one-off, she'd help him out again. Phil loves Sharon, and Sharon's trying to tell herself she doesn't love Phil, but deep down, she knows better - although I'm sure Moaning Lisa the Flying Monkey troll will hijack the episode thread on Digital Spy to ask countless questions from all angles about the fact that Jimmy the Brief briefly mentioned Shirley in passing, only to have Phil admit pointedly that Shirley was "no longer an option." (By the way, this is a rehash of the storyline Shirley forced on Phil in order to get him custody of Louise - only Shirley used it as a way to worm herself into the Mitchell household and into Phil's bed). Sorry, Moaning Lisa, Sharon is not a replacement for Shirley. Sharon is the woman Phil's always loved and wanted, and he's not above doing whatever he can to get her where he reckons she belongs - in his bed. And this will be one time, when that union is effected, that Phil will not cheat on Sharon - not with Glenda and certainly not with that rag, bone and hank of hair, Shirley.
Moaning Lisa (Right) and her Cohort Troll Catsmeow (Left)
Of course, doing all he can to get Lexie means keeping Lola deluded - not difficult, especially when she's handed a wad of money to spend. Stratford even got some free BBC publicity tonight, although Danielle Harold's attempt at a Lacey Turner hissy fit fell flat and weak.
Finally, what exactly was the point of those scenes with Kim and Ray? Was someone unable to write a full thirty minutes' worth of episodes and decided to fill in the space with a totally unrelated and unfunny vignette about Kim struggling (same old same old) at the B and B and Ray getting roped in to helping?
Once again ...
One Final Mother of All Updates: David Witts is no Nigel Harman. He doesn't even physically resemble him. Harman was a competent actor, and Dennis Rickman was a complicated, yet sympathetic and likeable character. Witts is cheap stud beefcake, a catalogue underwear mannequin who thinks that because he's pretty and pumped up, that he can act. It doesn't work that way. As for Jossa, she's a gurner, who lost any soupcon of acting ability the moment she started believing her own publicity. She's essentially playing herself, a girl so up her backside, she'll need sunglasses when presented with the light of day.
Lauren is no Sharon and Joey the Turd is an insult to Dennis Rickman's memory, and any tweenie sharing a braincell with his/her mates who makes such a comparison needs to brush toothpaste on your head to repair the cavity in your brain.
No comments:
Post a Comment