Cold Comfort - Review 17.09.2012

Here's a song dedicated to Michael Moon:-

From the sublime to the ridiculous, that's the best description of an inconsistent EastEnders. 

Same old same old. Why am I thinking that Lorraine Newman sounds suspiciously and ominously like Louise Berridge and not just a tad like Bryan Kirkwood.

It's all so totally awful. And it's becoming more and more The Fucking Branning Show. Why not just fucking change the name of the thing and be done with it?

Like Sharon, who's become, variously Shallow Sharon and now today became Chav Sharon. Pardon me, but Sharon doesn't link up with and make BF Effies with a total stranger just like that. Besides, she and Tanya - apart from having small sons - have absolutely nothing in common. The sounds of them raucously laughing from the Branning kitchen in the early hours of the morning was incongruous to say the least. Sharon and Tanya sounded like two fishwives.

And I'd love a business like Tanya has - one that runs itself. She has one other hairdresser there - Gaynor, whom we sometimes see - and Poppy who works three days a week doing nails. 

The sum total purpose of the Sharon-Tanya-Creepy Cora scenes tonight was the lead up to Max fixing a date for his and Tanya's second wedding, with the charity wedding gown as a prop. I am sorry, but how fucking many white weddings does Tanya want? I am sorry to swear, but this episode tonight was so absolutely fucking awful that I wanted to scream? What the fuck is that dumb bitch, some sort of self-perpetuating virgin?

Every time she sees a man with a fat wallet who falls for her hair extensions, does her hymen magically reconnect itself? Presumably, she had a white wedding, albeit cheap and cheerful, when she and Max married the first time - you know, when Lauren was five months old? She had an even bigger white wedding, complete with cream puff wedding gown which would have suited a woman in her early twenties the last time, when she married Gormless Greg. And now she's hoping for a third.

Sorry, love, but there comes a time in a woman's life when any hint of a white wedding, especially on the third go becomes whiffingly like mutton dressed as lamb, and that's what Tanya is - chav mutton.

Tanya Branning in Her Wedding Dress

I suppose as well, this is the beginning of the Max portion of A Very Branning Christmas.

Oh, yes, of course, this is the morning after the night before, when it's suddenly discovered that Kat and Alfie have absconded on a sudden holiday. Front and centre on that one was Creepy Jean. (This episode was filled to the brim with creepie crawlie women) creeping around the flat upstairs in her mangy bathrobe, looking all orange and miserable and spying the broken phone in the rubbish. 

Although I suppose tonight's episode ruled Jack out as Shaggerman as he suddenly remembered he had a daughter whom he visited earlier this year and obviously hadn't contacted since as he was far too occupied boning the better part of the female population of London and parading them all in front of another, younger daughter. No wonder Penny won't speak to him. Who'd want a father like that?

It didn't rule Derek out however.

Back to Creepy Jean - blimey, she looked bloody frightening when she made herself up to serve behind the bar of the pub. I'm surprised she didn't scare half of the punters away. And as for those assholey Branning kids - once again, who do the fuck do they think they are, that they march into a pub with no dosh and expect a convenient mate working behind the bar to supply them with free booze.

Is Fatboy genuinely retarded? Because if I recall correctly, this is how he lost his job at McKlunkey's - giving away free food to his mates. Alfie hired him when he truly didn't need him, and was training him in the bar trade, and this is how he repays him? By ploughing into his profits and doling out free booze to people who are clearly only taking advantage of his good nature. I want someone to smack the living shit out of that wooden turd who can't close his mouth. In fact, I hope he chokes on his tongue. And how simple is Alice, allowing herself to whiningly ask Fatboy if they could pay for half their drinks now and half another time.

Who the fuck are these dumbasses and does Lorraine Newman seriously think they add anything to the show? Jasmyne Banks should be ashamed of herself, but maybe she is seriously into greed like the semi-literate Jacqueline Jossa, who hails from a long line of greedygut jailbirds. As for David Witts, someone teach that idiot how to enunciate, please.

A Turd Disguised as Joey Branning

At least Derek showed semi-decency in paying their bar bill, another hint that he's Shaggerman.

I suppose tonight saw, as well, the beginning of the end of Chryed both as a force and possibly as a couple. I lost interest in Syed as a character ages ago, about the time TPTB - Santer, I think it then was - lost interest in him as soon as he was established as the Gay Muslim in the Square, thus fulfilling two quotas for the politically correct production board of EastEnders. Even Fred Fonseca was more interesting, and to see Syed smarming about tonight, acting like the proverbial desperate salesman. For all Michael Moon reaped karma when he called Syed out for the loser he was, he was right - as we'll see in the next few weeks when the old, dishonest Syed rises to the fore.

But, hey ... Brookside fans, did you clock Pa Gordon as Syed's heartless cleaning supplies' supplier? That's his second appearance on EastEnders. The last time was right after he disappeared from Brookside and appeared in the pub as a pig farmer, buying something off Spencer Moon.

Whilst I'm not the biggest Syed fan, I think him far more relevant to the programme than the increasingly annoying and monotoned Tamwar. I don't know who annoyed me the most - Tamwar, sitting there passively or fucking Zainab playing the mother from hell.

"Tamwar, get down here now!"

FFS, Tamwar is a grown man with his own business. This is why his marriage failed. He moved heaven and earth to marry Afia, then settled back and let Mama run the show. Instead of an adult married couple living with inlaws, Tamwar and Afia became like teenaged siblings living with mum and dad. Tamwar even deferred to his mother rather than Afia.

Who ruined Tamwar? He used to be genuinely cheeky and funny in his monotone way. King of the zingers. Darren's wingman. Now he's a bloody chore to watch and looks as though he'd rather be anyplace but there. I reckon, like Syed, his days are numbered. He'll bugger off to uni and we won't see or hear from him again. The Masoods don't need their children. It'll be Masood, Zainab and AJ causing trouble.

Speaking of Masood, I thought he was a teaching assistant and that he'd left the post office, but there he was tonight delivering the post. Did the production team somehow forget that? Or is he moonlighting? Sort it the fuck out, EastEnders.

Of course, the main storyline of the evening was the aftermath of Janine leaving Michael, beginning with him so smug that she would return, sure that she was doing this for attention. He copes with Scarlett even worse than Janine coped with her. In fact, he did the same thing she did, fobbed the kid off on Billy, who promptly invited Lola to bring Lexie around and avail hersef of Scarlett's designer baby products, as well as inadvertantly give the game away to Masood about Janine leaving.

Janine is taking what's hers - because I think she knew or felt that this is exactly what Michael would have left her with - nothing and holding the baby. Besides, Michael is allegedly still the partner in the Boxing Club, although he'd spent the bulk of his time, especially since Janine's chidbirth horning into her business and trying to take things over. He's living in a house she's paid for in full - how long before she sells that over his head? He's also not as isolated as she would have been - he has his brother and his cousin in Walford. I know he'll adjust - with more than a little help from our Roxy, but one thing I don't want to see is Creepy Jean having anything to do with that child. She can pass judgement about Janine and Michael destroying each other, but she seriously wants to think about what she did and said to contribute to Janine's insecurity.

Lola needs to stop chasing Jay to be her babydaddy. Don't like her - just one of many chavvy little loudmouths who've taken over the Square.

And Lucy Beale - enough, please. Mouth-breather who cannot deliver her lines. Awful actress.

Boring, pedestrian episode.