Oh, lordy ... another fucking sensationalist storyline featuring You-Know-Who ... everyone's most unfavourite, dysfunctional, scrubbed-up bunch of white trash inbreds in the history of EastEnders ... the family who's growing like a cancer ... the Brannings.....
Cue the music from the American branch of the Branning family ...(psst, the one with the banjo is the Branning)
Because, you see, in the backwoods, rural, sparsely-populated parts of the wilds of North America, people inbreed heavily. I guess the Brannings come from some backwoods, rural, sparsely-populated part of East London, because they certainly keep things in the family.
Saint Tanya's already shared Max and Jack, Jack's fucked her googly sister, Max has fucked his daughter-in-law, Derek's fucked Tanya's googly sister. Derek has a "thing" (figuratively) for his sister; Joey has a "thing" (figuratively) for his sister. Now Joey's going to suddenly find himself attracted to Lauren the Lush, who'l find herself attracted to him once she prises her lower lip away from a booze bottle and her upper lip away from her nostrils.
It's not the incest to which I object, although it does have its eeeeeuuuuuuwwww factor. It's the fact that Lorraine Newman and Co are foisting what appears to be yet another highly unpopular storyline on the viewing public thinking we'll care or give a damn.
We don't. Why? No one, apart from the lowest common denominator of teen viewer cares anything for either Joey or Lauren, and the only thing they care about is how "fit" they are.
Both characters are cheap, unlikeable, unpleasant, rude, lazy and entitled. They have no single redeeming quality at all. Joey is just a younger, more steroidically-enhanced version of his old man - yet another extremely unpopular character who seems to enjoy an unusually long shelf-life whilst viable characters with multiple possibilities of storylines are strewn by the wayside at the expense of what viewers recognise as shit.
Lauren is spoiled, entitled, lazy, treats both her parents like something she scrapes off her shoe and shows neither purpose nor ambition.
Besides their obvious character dysfunctions, one is played by an actor of very little experience and no discernable talent and the other by an actress who, initially, showed promise, but shortly began to believe her own publicity to such a degree that her head is now lodged so far up her ass it may have to be removed surgically. Besides, if her Facebook account - and, yes, EastEnders, she does have one, cleverly disguised - is anything to go by, she's functionally illiterate.
And this is how Newman hopes to get bums on seats for the long autumn evenings? Appealing to a demographic which is not only fickle but one of the smallest demographics in the country?
She'd be better off spending time examining how to mend the essential character bits her writing room managed to fuck up with regard to such icons as Sharon, Kat and Bianca - or don't they matter?
Originally EastEnders' pisspoor PR hinted at Joey the Toad and Lollygag Lucy being the next Grant and Sharon. Well, that didn't work, did it? So now, they're trying a cheap version of the Watts family, as someone on Digital Spy pointed out, with Derek in the Den role, Alice as Vicky, Joey the Toad and Dennis and Lauren as Sharon. PUR-LEESE ... don't insult these former characters. When Vicky Fowler, arguably one of the worst characters in the histor of the programme scores higher with me than Alice-mah-Angel Branning, something is seriiously wrong and seriously stinking. Besides, now instead of watching two mouth-breathers go at it hammer and tongs, we'll be treated to the sight of two cousins lusting, one with his mouth perpetually hanging open and his tongue lolling from cheek to cheek, and the other inhaling her upper lip with every breath.
Whoever thought up this storyline should be taken out and slapped repeatedly, because it's yet another insult to the viewers' intelligence.
What is it that Lorraine Newman doesn't understand about viewers not giving a fuck?
Cue the music from the American branch of the Branning family ...(psst, the one with the banjo is the Branning)
Because, you see, in the backwoods, rural, sparsely-populated parts of the wilds of North America, people inbreed heavily. I guess the Brannings come from some backwoods, rural, sparsely-populated part of East London, because they certainly keep things in the family.
Saint Tanya's already shared Max and Jack, Jack's fucked her googly sister, Max has fucked his daughter-in-law, Derek's fucked Tanya's googly sister. Derek has a "thing" (figuratively) for his sister; Joey has a "thing" (figuratively) for his sister. Now Joey's going to suddenly find himself attracted to Lauren the Lush, who'l find herself attracted to him once she prises her lower lip away from a booze bottle and her upper lip away from her nostrils.
It's not the incest to which I object, although it does have its eeeeeuuuuuuwwww factor. It's the fact that Lorraine Newman and Co are foisting what appears to be yet another highly unpopular storyline on the viewing public thinking we'll care or give a damn.
We don't. Why? No one, apart from the lowest common denominator of teen viewer cares anything for either Joey or Lauren, and the only thing they care about is how "fit" they are.
Both characters are cheap, unlikeable, unpleasant, rude, lazy and entitled. They have no single redeeming quality at all. Joey is just a younger, more steroidically-enhanced version of his old man - yet another extremely unpopular character who seems to enjoy an unusually long shelf-life whilst viable characters with multiple possibilities of storylines are strewn by the wayside at the expense of what viewers recognise as shit.
Lauren is spoiled, entitled, lazy, treats both her parents like something she scrapes off her shoe and shows neither purpose nor ambition.
Besides their obvious character dysfunctions, one is played by an actor of very little experience and no discernable talent and the other by an actress who, initially, showed promise, but shortly began to believe her own publicity to such a degree that her head is now lodged so far up her ass it may have to be removed surgically. Besides, if her Facebook account - and, yes, EastEnders, she does have one, cleverly disguised - is anything to go by, she's functionally illiterate.
And this is how Newman hopes to get bums on seats for the long autumn evenings? Appealing to a demographic which is not only fickle but one of the smallest demographics in the country?
She'd be better off spending time examining how to mend the essential character bits her writing room managed to fuck up with regard to such icons as Sharon, Kat and Bianca - or don't they matter?
Originally EastEnders' pisspoor PR hinted at Joey the Toad and Lollygag Lucy being the next Grant and Sharon. Well, that didn't work, did it? So now, they're trying a cheap version of the Watts family, as someone on Digital Spy pointed out, with Derek in the Den role, Alice as Vicky, Joey the Toad and Dennis and Lauren as Sharon. PUR-LEESE ... don't insult these former characters. When Vicky Fowler, arguably one of the worst characters in the histor of the programme scores higher with me than Alice-mah-Angel Branning, something is seriiously wrong and seriously stinking. Besides, now instead of watching two mouth-breathers go at it hammer and tongs, we'll be treated to the sight of two cousins lusting, one with his mouth perpetually hanging open and his tongue lolling from cheek to cheek, and the other inhaling her upper lip with every breath.
Whoever thought up this storyline should be taken out and slapped repeatedly, because it's yet another insult to the viewers' intelligence.
What is it that Lorraine Newman doesn't understand about viewers not giving a fuck?
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