Apart from Janine, that was pretty much a steaming pile, wasn't it?
Before I start tearing it apart, et me make one observation of incongruity: I'm always amazed at the number of women on this show who seem to pile on false eyelashes first thing every morning - Lola and Kat, in particular (especially Lola, whose length and breadth of fake eyelashes are almost comical. Also, the immaculately manicured nails on women who could either ill-afford such manicures or whose lifestyles wouldn't accommodate them. Shirley spends days living on the rough, yet has a perfectly shaped French manicure. EastEnders isn't the only alternate reality who does this. Janice Battersby, a machinist, sported beautifully manicured nails.
Anyway, the best of a bad lot tonight was Janine, and I'm sad that this is the last week we'll see her before Charlie Brooks is off on her six-month break. I'll miss her - one of the best actresses on the show, whose character was woefully sent round and round in ever-decreasing circles for years. The one good thing Bryan Kirkwood did was develop Janine's character that much more, by making the viewers aware of her vulnerability and taking her past "evil Janine,"
Pairing her with Michael Moon was, at first, inspired. I say "at first," because, like practically everything else, this of production bods at EastEnders created something good and proceeded to unravel it. During the first quarter of this year, when we should have watched Janine's and Michael's relationship develop in the wake of Pat's death, instead we got Tyler, Whitney and a bunch of balloons.
Michael and Janine were a couple who promised so much - two broken people with enormous father issues, both made to feel like outsiders in their own family dynamic, both branded as bad. It would have been interesting watching them find each other and deal with being parents.
Instead, the writers have taken us all over the place with Michael to the point that I'm actually bored by the continuous hype of "mystery" that's foisted onto us. I don't see any particular mystery. I just see a man who's got what he wanted from a rich and powerful woman and is now preying upon her vulnerability in a clear effort to gain ultimate control. I see his impatience at her obvious mistrust, but he's given her no reason to trust him. He's secretive and he lies - she caught him at that today.
Yes, Janine has trust issues. The only time she allowed herself to fall in love with a man, he'd betrayed her in less than three months. When Billy - and I love the enduring friendship between Billy and Janine - reminded her that she'd been married for three months and was miserable, I couldn't help thinking of the point where Janine found herself three months after her marriage to Ryan in 2010 - being betrayed badly by his infidelity with the skanky Stacey Slater.
Janine is also isolated. She's missing and still grieving Pat. Her brother and sister are far away. Carol and Bianca aren't there. Where she should be renewing a bond built years ago with Sharon, the writers have retconned and chosen to ignore that. She's still hormonal and smarting from obvious psychological hurt she felt from the community in the latter stages of her pregnancy.
But the last scene was a masterpiece of understatement - the glint returning to Janine's eyes when she assured Billy she could look after herself, after preparing an immaculately cooked meal for Michael. You can't play a player, and she will always triumph over Michael Moon, who is strictly a short-term character.
Another turn-off for me tonight was his cold assessment of what life in a long-term relationship was like, when speaking to Alfie. There's nothing to like about Michael Moon. Steve John Shepherd described him as a psychopath, and the actor was right.
Having said that, Michael is not Shaggerman.
Derek is.
The rest of the episode was absolute, pure, unadulterated shit. And whoever signs off on these screenplays needs smacking. The sheer direness of the rest of the programme only enhanced just how watchable Janine and Michael's storyline was.
In fact, the whole thing was emblematic of how bad EastEnders is at the moment.
Derek: Why is this man still here when TPTB have opted to axe Christian? He is totally unwatchable, as are most of his family. I know Jamie Foreman may have a good reputation as a character actor, but he ain't working on this show, and I don't know whether it's the dialogue or the way he's chosen to portray the character.
I am so sick of his "mah-Alice-mah-angel" that I'm almost beginning to dislike Alice, myself. Watching the pair of them is like watching Groundhog Day - same old same old time after time. Derek and Alice (who seems to have more half-days and days off than anyone I know who works) have a good day, Derek does something that's interfering, Alice tells him off, Derek promises it won't happen again ... yadda yadda.
His scenes with Ian, getting him drunk, what was the point? To show he's got a mate? Or that he's a nice man? That didn't last long, did it? As long as it took for Ian to question Lucy's taste in hooking up with the doltish piece of wood that sprang from Derek's loins - Joey. And Joey's got money? From where, exactly? I seem to recall that Joey turned up, broke, in Walford and was given a job tending bar at R and R, by Michael. Bar wages are usually around minimum wage, with the odd tip, so I would say Lucy, who's running a thriving cafe and chipshop just might have a bit more money than Joey.
And Derek's won the Moon's junk shop? Pardon me, but the Moons were squatters, themselves. They conned the last squatter out of the premises, preferring to squat rather than acquire the property legally because they'd be subject to business rates to the council. So Derek owns jackshit, and Jackshit, his brother should have realised that.
And only Joey the Plank can make eating an apple look like a drama study. Do one. Please.
Derek's the shagger. Catch the coy looks he gave Kat and the little kabuki theatre banter in the pub in front of Alfie and for Alfie's benefit. Max has other problems, and Jackshit's sniffing Sharon's undies.
And Lauren is still an alcoholic. Boring.
Lola: Another boring bird. She wants a babydaddy, so she's pursuing Jay and using Lexie as the bait by which she reels him in. I feel sorry for Jay, but he knows what he's done; and Billy put himself in a right state, when he agreed to house Jay for the court, only to realise that he was also responsible for Lola and Lexie, and their association with Jay would mean Lola losing Lexie, which might not be such a bad thing, as Lola's such a dumbass little piece.
Katshit: This is easily the vilest character on the show at the moment. I realise that Lorraine Newman has probably got the word from John Yorke to pull out the stops and repair the damage Bryan Kirkwood did to a once-iconic character, but it ain't gonna work.
She is a terrible wife and mother. She treats Alfie like shit, and I just want to take that fucking phone down her bra and shove it up her ass. What woman in her forties has such an urgent need to go clubbing on such a regular basis as Kat? Kim's clueless, when she shouldn't be, because she knows Kat has a small child at home, but since Kat has Alfie and Jean to care for Tommy, she couldn't give a toss. She, Kim and Sharon have all been made to look like men in drag, and I can't figure out why; but her dancing in the R and R was embarrassing.
Another thing... if the Branning brothers wanted a change of scene from the pub, why didn't they go to another pub, maybe the next street over? Derek wanted to go to the R and R to keep an eye on Alice; Jack to sniff Sharon. What a sad place. Almost as sad as that awful bedsit shagflat where Katshit went to wait for Derek ... "Ah' 'eah."
Do me a favour. Please, let karma bite this bitch hard. Was it me, or did Jean seem a bit suspicious of her tonight ... Gotta watch that Jean - the Dr Phil of Walford.
Shit episode overall.
In the meantime, here's a song Roxy could sing about Kat:-
Before I start tearing it apart, et me make one observation of incongruity: I'm always amazed at the number of women on this show who seem to pile on false eyelashes first thing every morning - Lola and Kat, in particular (especially Lola, whose length and breadth of fake eyelashes are almost comical. Also, the immaculately manicured nails on women who could either ill-afford such manicures or whose lifestyles wouldn't accommodate them. Shirley spends days living on the rough, yet has a perfectly shaped French manicure. EastEnders isn't the only alternate reality who does this. Janice Battersby, a machinist, sported beautifully manicured nails.
Anyway, the best of a bad lot tonight was Janine, and I'm sad that this is the last week we'll see her before Charlie Brooks is off on her six-month break. I'll miss her - one of the best actresses on the show, whose character was woefully sent round and round in ever-decreasing circles for years. The one good thing Bryan Kirkwood did was develop Janine's character that much more, by making the viewers aware of her vulnerability and taking her past "evil Janine,"
Pairing her with Michael Moon was, at first, inspired. I say "at first," because, like practically everything else, this of production bods at EastEnders created something good and proceeded to unravel it. During the first quarter of this year, when we should have watched Janine's and Michael's relationship develop in the wake of Pat's death, instead we got Tyler, Whitney and a bunch of balloons.
Michael and Janine were a couple who promised so much - two broken people with enormous father issues, both made to feel like outsiders in their own family dynamic, both branded as bad. It would have been interesting watching them find each other and deal with being parents.
Instead, the writers have taken us all over the place with Michael to the point that I'm actually bored by the continuous hype of "mystery" that's foisted onto us. I don't see any particular mystery. I just see a man who's got what he wanted from a rich and powerful woman and is now preying upon her vulnerability in a clear effort to gain ultimate control. I see his impatience at her obvious mistrust, but he's given her no reason to trust him. He's secretive and he lies - she caught him at that today.
Yes, Janine has trust issues. The only time she allowed herself to fall in love with a man, he'd betrayed her in less than three months. When Billy - and I love the enduring friendship between Billy and Janine - reminded her that she'd been married for three months and was miserable, I couldn't help thinking of the point where Janine found herself three months after her marriage to Ryan in 2010 - being betrayed badly by his infidelity with the skanky Stacey Slater.
Janine is also isolated. She's missing and still grieving Pat. Her brother and sister are far away. Carol and Bianca aren't there. Where she should be renewing a bond built years ago with Sharon, the writers have retconned and chosen to ignore that. She's still hormonal and smarting from obvious psychological hurt she felt from the community in the latter stages of her pregnancy.
But the last scene was a masterpiece of understatement - the glint returning to Janine's eyes when she assured Billy she could look after herself, after preparing an immaculately cooked meal for Michael. You can't play a player, and she will always triumph over Michael Moon, who is strictly a short-term character.
Another turn-off for me tonight was his cold assessment of what life in a long-term relationship was like, when speaking to Alfie. There's nothing to like about Michael Moon. Steve John Shepherd described him as a psychopath, and the actor was right.
Having said that, Michael is not Shaggerman.
Derek is.
The rest of the episode was absolute, pure, unadulterated shit. And whoever signs off on these screenplays needs smacking. The sheer direness of the rest of the programme only enhanced just how watchable Janine and Michael's storyline was.
In fact, the whole thing was emblematic of how bad EastEnders is at the moment.
Derek: Why is this man still here when TPTB have opted to axe Christian? He is totally unwatchable, as are most of his family. I know Jamie Foreman may have a good reputation as a character actor, but he ain't working on this show, and I don't know whether it's the dialogue or the way he's chosen to portray the character.
I am so sick of his "mah-Alice-mah-angel" that I'm almost beginning to dislike Alice, myself. Watching the pair of them is like watching Groundhog Day - same old same old time after time. Derek and Alice (who seems to have more half-days and days off than anyone I know who works) have a good day, Derek does something that's interfering, Alice tells him off, Derek promises it won't happen again ... yadda yadda.
His scenes with Ian, getting him drunk, what was the point? To show he's got a mate? Or that he's a nice man? That didn't last long, did it? As long as it took for Ian to question Lucy's taste in hooking up with the doltish piece of wood that sprang from Derek's loins - Joey. And Joey's got money? From where, exactly? I seem to recall that Joey turned up, broke, in Walford and was given a job tending bar at R and R, by Michael. Bar wages are usually around minimum wage, with the odd tip, so I would say Lucy, who's running a thriving cafe and chipshop just might have a bit more money than Joey.
And Derek's won the Moon's junk shop? Pardon me, but the Moons were squatters, themselves. They conned the last squatter out of the premises, preferring to squat rather than acquire the property legally because they'd be subject to business rates to the council. So Derek owns jackshit, and Jackshit, his brother should have realised that.
And only Joey the Plank can make eating an apple look like a drama study. Do one. Please.
Derek's the shagger. Catch the coy looks he gave Kat and the little kabuki theatre banter in the pub in front of Alfie and for Alfie's benefit. Max has other problems, and Jackshit's sniffing Sharon's undies.
And Lauren is still an alcoholic. Boring.
Lola: Another boring bird. She wants a babydaddy, so she's pursuing Jay and using Lexie as the bait by which she reels him in. I feel sorry for Jay, but he knows what he's done; and Billy put himself in a right state, when he agreed to house Jay for the court, only to realise that he was also responsible for Lola and Lexie, and their association with Jay would mean Lola losing Lexie, which might not be such a bad thing, as Lola's such a dumbass little piece.
Katshit: This is easily the vilest character on the show at the moment. I realise that Lorraine Newman has probably got the word from John Yorke to pull out the stops and repair the damage Bryan Kirkwood did to a once-iconic character, but it ain't gonna work.
She is a terrible wife and mother. She treats Alfie like shit, and I just want to take that fucking phone down her bra and shove it up her ass. What woman in her forties has such an urgent need to go clubbing on such a regular basis as Kat? Kim's clueless, when she shouldn't be, because she knows Kat has a small child at home, but since Kat has Alfie and Jean to care for Tommy, she couldn't give a toss. She, Kim and Sharon have all been made to look like men in drag, and I can't figure out why; but her dancing in the R and R was embarrassing.
Another thing... if the Branning brothers wanted a change of scene from the pub, why didn't they go to another pub, maybe the next street over? Derek wanted to go to the R and R to keep an eye on Alice; Jack to sniff Sharon. What a sad place. Almost as sad as that awful bedsit shagflat where Katshit went to wait for Derek ... "Ah' 'eah."
Do me a favour. Please, let karma bite this bitch hard. Was it me, or did Jean seem a bit suspicious of her tonight ... Gotta watch that Jean - the Dr Phil of Walford.
Shit episode overall.
In the meantime, here's a song Roxy could sing about Kat:-
Loved it! This soap needs a good bashing so often :)
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