Deluded Person of the Week - Moaning Lisa

Wanna know the single biggest shock in last night's EastEnders' episode?

Phil has deleted Shirley's number from his mobile.

Shock! Horror! Major catastrophe!

No, it's not. First of all, it totally emphasizes the overall irrelvance of Shirley to Phil. Shirley was a convenience for Phil. A warm body. A friend with benefits. A doormat willing to cook, clean and raise his warped son and the waif and stray he'd taken in during the day, and minister to his sexual needs during the evening - you know, when it's dark and Phil can fantasize about doing Sharon whilst he humps Shirley.

I've no doubt Phil was fond of Shirley. He certainly didn't hate her, but he didn't love her enough to commit to her. In fact, when she caught him at it with Auntie Glenda, he couldn't even promise her that he wouldn't be unfaithful again because, you know, that's "the way he was."

Shirley first got Phil into her bed when he was drunk, and she kept him drunk and drank with him in order to keep him dependent and acquiescent. She got him to live with her by fronting to the Social that they were a couple so he could get custody of his daughter, Louise. For some odd reason, Ben bonded with her, and in order to keep Ben happy, Phil obliged on that front also.

Sure, he was fond of Shirley and felt guilty about Heather. And he was grateful to her. But love her? Nah.

As far as the post-Ben-reveal relationship between Phil and Shirley, it's safe to say that the only reason Phil was hankering after her was for fear of her grassing him up. If he got Shirl back under his roof, he could at least control her. That's why all the declarations of love came from him at that point - telling Shirley what she wanted to hear.

As for Shirley, she was the worst sort of friend Heather could have. She spent months on end screaming for justice for her dead friend, only to lie through her teeth about Phil's part in the cover-up. Shirley's rage now is against herself - because more than anyone, she's betrayed Heather. She won't grass up Phil, because, even after all of this, she still loves him. The worst she can do to him is keep him in a perpetual state of fear that she will grass him up.

However, Phil, wise old fox that he is, knows better. And if he can't sacrifice his own happiness to control Shirley from close quarters, then he wants her out of sight and out of mind. Having her focus on her daughter and grandson was a stroke of genius - because Shirley should have been focusing on her children from Day One, not off partying down and playing mummy, first, to Heather and then to Phil and co.

Secondly, the whole situation is made amazingly funny in watching the antics of the infamous monalisa on Digital Spy forum, the head girl and Shirley cheerleader of them all. Moana reckons Phil has deleted Shirley's number, but calls Sharon because he really wants to call Shirley. She grasps at straws to explain how last night, Phil's longing and the source of his unhappiness was all about Shirley, when it was only ever and always about Ben. Shirl was just part of the fixtures and fittings - you know, like a doormat.

I can guarantee this: If that had been Shirley talking Phil out of the doldrums last night, there would have been lots of shouting, a shove or two and then both retreating to their respective corners to drink themselves silly.

Last night, we saw the real Phil Mitchell, the way Phil was in the Nineties, before Grant left and when Sharon was a significant influence in his life. Shirley always brought out his bad side, the side which Phil, himself, never liked much.

So now, I'm awarding Moana the Deluded Person of the Week award and I'm going to sit back and tazer all the vicious, vindictive little trolls (all of whom are she) and various flying monkeys she sends my way ...

Ladies and gentlmen, I give you ... Moana and the Monkeys ...