Leave It to Beaver, er Brannings - Review 21.09.2012

I'm thinking of possible alternative titles for EastEnders as it continues to morph into The Branning Show. It seems more and more like a cross between a forced bad American daytime soap and the twinset and pearls, cutesy-cutesy sitcoms the US had in the 1950s, like Leave It to Beaver , whose theme song went like this ...

OK, we make it Leave It to the Brannings, and we can make it cheesy, because down those steps used to come the stars of the show, announced in voiceover, so imagine (and remember they all have to march down the stairs, smiling) ...

- It's Leave It to the Brannings! Starring ...

Jake Wood as Max

Jo Joyner as Tanya

Jacqueline Jossa as Lauren

Lorna Fitzgerald as Abi

Some Gurning Kid as Oscar

Scott Maslen as Jack

Jasmyn Banks as Alice

David Witts as Joey

Lindsey Coulson as Carol

Ann Mitchell as Cora

And Jamie Foreman as the Toad Derek

Now, doesn't that seem all nice and cosy and normal? Because they're not. They're all portraying jumped-up white trash.

And the show was hard at it tonight, and this is what is so frustrating about EastEnders at the moment - its sheer, utter inconsistency - not just from one episode to the next, but within the damned frame of the episodes as well.

The first two episodes this week were complete shite, but yesterday's shown like a beacon in the Northern sky. Like the proverbial Waterloo Sunset; but tonight it was all for nought. Sharon, who was absolutely brilliant and everything she always was yesterday with Phil and Ian, was back to Shallow Sharon today, pouting, batting the eyelashes, playing the coy-concealed-bitchery-cum-gossipy game with Queen Bitch Tanya, who's benevolently bestowed the accolade of "good friend" in less than three weeks upon Sharon, just - I imagine - so she could find out all the dirty details (which didn't happen) on Sharon's date with Jack.

I hate Sharon when she's around these people. She's like a pantomime from a bad episode of Dynasty - cue music ...

(On an aside, watching that, I just realised how much Michael Moon looks like Dex Dexter).

Her voice, her  mannerisms are all exaggerated in the worst way. Describing Jack: (Breathless)  Welllll ... he was very nice.

Come on! And thank dog, Little Lord Fauntleroy was asleep. He probably was playing possum in order to avoid her. Please, keep this woman away from these cancerous, carniverous people. Tanya wants "a couple of drinks." So they're onto their second bottle of wine. "A couple of drinks" for Tanya means a couple of gallons of wine from a box.

And why is Sharon so nasty to Denise? She called Denise out for bitching about the Mitchells, but in all honesty, Denise is just the sort of person Sharon would seek out as a friend. She has that down-to-earth, good common sense quality that Michelle Fowler had and which Sharon needs around her just now. And, speaking of Michelle, I want a mention of Michelle, especially in light of Sharon's drug addiction, about which we're soon to be apprised. And, if I'm not mistaken, Sharon hasn't once mentioned Dot since her return. WTF?

Still, Denise got the line of the night when she accidentally on-purpose remarked that it wasn't too long ago that Tanya was all over Jack like a bad rash (and probably gave Jack a bad rash as a result, since she'd been fucking around with Max - who'd been fucking around with Stacey Slater - and also with Sean Slater and goodness knows where he had been). I'm surprised Sharon washed that. Seriously.

The other highlight of a mediocre episode was Tyler knocking the shit out of Joey the Turd. In fact, let's see it again ...

Such inimitable acting styles ... Discipline's pure smell-the-fart, and I'm beginning to wonder if David Witts could put his lips together and close his mouth if offered a sufficient amount of money. Is he defective? Because there's nothing more unattractive than a mouth-breather. And did you understand even a smidgeon of that dialogue? Me neither. I did understand that Tyler called Tadpole "bruv" sarcastically and told him he was trying to earn a living, and Joey said something about "Annannee" being a mug, which prompted the smack in the face.

Witts can't do a Cockney accent, so he went from whispering his lines to growling them loudly and inarticulately. I truly didn't think there could be a worse actor in EastEnders than Tony Discipline until David Witts arrived, but seeing them in scenes together makes me want to rip my eyeballs out. I'll give Discipline his due for being an iota better, and that smack tonight was surely his finest hour (apart from lying comatose in the hospital bed a year ago). Joey didn't "let" Tyler hit him; he truly didn't see that punch coming.

Widdle Joey was having a tantwum because he was jealous that Daddy Deweck was showing some attention to widdle Tywer. Derek's using Tyler and he's screw him to the wall the way he did Annannee. Gee, Annannee is getting almost as many mentions as Saint Stacey Slater. So now Derek's using Tyler as an unwitting fence to flog his stolen goods, and he's probably cutting Lister in on a bit of the profit.

Muscleboys must go.

Fatboy and Jean are not only idiots, they're bloody annoying. Does Phil even know that Jean embezzled money from the Vic? And she doesn't seem particularly worried about family loyalty to Alfie and Kat - although, I don't see how Phil can simply take over the pub. Yes, he owns it; but it's Alfie and Kat who have their names on the licence bar. Phil couldn't get a pub licence if he tried, so does that mean that the pub is running illegally? Who knows.

I have absolutely no sympathy for Lola, and personally, I think ASBO Granny was pretty nauseaus tonight as well. For whatever hypocritical reason, Max and Tanya have forbidden Abi from seeing  Jay - and all Tanya seems to worry about is what kind of boy Abi will attract or be attracted to. Abi is sixteen and has made the decision to do A Levels and aspire to university to become a vet; but we know that will never happen. Not in EastEnders' Branningland and not with Yummy Mummy pounding boyfriends into her brain. And more undermining by Granny Goodwitch. Yes, Cora, I imagine your parents didn't approve of some of the boys you knocked about with either.

In all of that, it's significant to know that Billy thought to ask Patrick to look after Lola instead of anyone else - not Phil, and certainly not Cora. She's a right little madam, and is stupid as shit. And jealous as sin of Abi. You watch, however, she will bring Abi down to her callous level in no time. And doesn't Abi go to sixth form college or has that been forgotten as well? Lola is one of the chavs at the top of my long list of unpleasant and unlikeable characters I just want to leave.

Ah, the Masoods and the comedy wedding of the year - Tintin to Milou. More inconsistencies. Listen, I know postmen deliver now anytime from seven in the morning until noon. For two episodes this week, we've seen Masood doing the postal rounds. Today, he's off on a teachers' meeting. WTF? He's a full-time teaching assistant, which means his hours are congruent to those of the teaching staff - at school before the kids arrive (often at 7:30am) and leaving after the kids have left - usually around 4:30pm. That doesn't leave any time to do a postal round. Don't the writers and storyliners liaise with one another?

I could care less about Syed's money problems or his wedding, simply because we know both characters are leaving; and it's totally almost psychedelic to listen to Zainab witter on blissfully about Syed's impeding nuptial to Christian, when a couple of years back, she'd condemned both of them to hell eternal.

As for AJ, he's cute, but he's annoying; and it looks as if he's another character whom TPTB have hired for charm and cuteness, but for whom they haven't bothered to create a character arc. It's obvious they are bigging him up to be the eternal party animal manchild in an effort to attempt to couple him with Roxy to see if that potential relationship wiorks.

Poor Roxy, who showed so much promise with Alfie, now relegated to snogging AJ on an experimental basis or being hunkered after by Michael Moon.

Bad episode. Very bad episode.

Update: More lack of continuity .. has Abi forgotten that Dot is her step-grandmother? Before both Abi and Dot disappeared, Dot was always "Grandma" to Abi. In fact, at the time of Billie's death, Max blessed Lauren out for referring to Dot by her name and not as "Grandma." And there she was sneering at Dot's mannerisms tonight when Lola made a snide remark about a member of Abi's family.