P T Barnum, the famous showman, had a philosophy about the paying public and his duty toward them.
His philosophy was, simply and bluntly, this: There's a sucker born every minute.
Pretty harsh, but pretty accurate. People would be willing to part with their dosh to see anything sensationalist, whilst deeming it good. Bearded women, two-headed calves, Siamese twins, any freak of nature.
Well, it seems our Lorraine subscribes to that philosphy as well, which is pretty rank and pretty damned insulting, considering her punters are licence fee payers, who either have to pay up to the BBC or go to jail. With that in mind, Lorraine thinks it gives her licence (pun intended) to foist any old tripe on the unsuspecting viewer, tart it up as a mystery and then try to build excitement.
Had enough of "who's the daddy" or "who killed this or that character?" Here's something novel: let's have a well-known character who's deemed iconic have an affair, just for the hell of it - ne'mind her husband has done nothing wrong to merit infidelity - and let's guess who the shaggerman is. People will just be so excited - ahuhahuhahuhahuh - even moreso because it's Kat and we love her and we're just so excited she'll be having an affair - ahuhahuhahuhahuh.
As cheerleader-in-chief for the EastEnders' production staff and plant for them on Digital Spy, The Queen Vic, demanded at the start of this fiasco: "Is everybody warming to this storyline yet? It's so exciting."
Well, it's not and it never was. And, if anything, it was an insult to the intelligence of the viewer if Lorraine Newman and her writing room expected people to believe that this really really really was a mystery for everyone concerned and not even the writers knew who Shaggerman was going to be ....
Bullshit.
If you believe this piece of tripe that Newman and her cronies are attempting to spin on the public, then I've got a bridge in New York I want to sell you, because there's a word for anyone who believes shit like this and it's "sucker."
The cast and crew of EastEnders knew in March that the Christmas storyline was going to concern the Brannings. They knew from February that Marc Elliot wasn't renewing his contract, so they were already working on Chryed's departure. They knew that the Christmas Adventures in Branningville would include the disclosure of Max's deep dark secret of what happened in Manchester. The programme knew well in advance of its January announcement that Letitia Dean would be rejoining the cast, and by the BSA's in May, Scott Maslen knew that Jack was going to have a big romance.
My gist is that storylines are planned six months in advance of their filming. There is simply no way anyone would not know who Kat's porker would be well ahead of time because of characters' plotlines are well organised in advance.
Please don't point out the obvious sudden change in the Archie Mitchell murder. Yes, yes, yes ... we know that that was all originally intended to be Barbara Windsor's leaving line, but at the end of the day, it all seemed so mete and apt for Diederick Santer to write it up for the star of his show, Lacey Turner. But why and how? Because he damned well knew that Turner wasn't renewing her contract.
Of course, he did. Turner, herself, subsequently admitted that because she disclosed that she and Charlie Clements had decided that they would leave the show, if not at the same time, then during the same year. Santer would well have known that Turner didn't plan on continuing in the soap and was presented with a particularly lucky choice - let Peggy murder Archie or let the star of his show, Stacey. After all, both were leaving, so there was no choice really.
Kirkwood (and subsequently Newman) knew that Jack Branning was going to be the love interest for the new shallow-minded Sharon Rickman. There is no way he'd pork Sharon whilst risking an STD (and bedbugs) from Kat. Kirkwood (and subsequently Newman) knew that Max would have a big secret of his own to scare the shit out of him, a secret which meant he couldn't marry Tanya, as Jake Wood has, himself, admitted. Max would turn down Roxy Mitchell. Why would had want to sleep with a piece of old grunge like Kat? More, why would either of these men fall in love with an old slut like that?
Forget about the "oh-Kat-and-Jack-bonded-over-Tommy" shit, because that's what it was. Tommy wasn't Jack's son - end of story - and this malarkey had nothing to do with a child. It was all about sex; and, yes, I know Jack's been particularly prurient of late, but only with clean women.
As for Max, forget, also any inkling to Stacey. It's not Max.
It's Derek. It's always been Derek, and the writers have always known this from the beginning. This storyline was always ever only intended to implode upon as few cast members as possible. I've stated before my belief that Bryan Kirkwood intended the reveal to coincide with Jessie Wallace's leaving the show, that Kirkwood intended to axe her. Now, however, it seems that the storyline's been tweaked.
Somehow, Newman's managed to shorten and yet lengthen the storyline, and I'll show why. Let's look at the two versions of Shaggergate.
Kirkwood Version: Unbeknownst to Kat, Alfie finds out she's been having an affair sometime in the middle of October at the latest. He discovers the culprit is Derek Branning. Derek started the affair as a means of humiliating Alfie, who'd humiliated him by scamming him at his own game earlier in the year. Kat is publically exposed, as have been other cheating Queen Vic spouses - where else? - in front of a packed pub. Alfie kicks her out. Derek laughs. He has nothing to lose and blamks a sodden Kat as she slopes out of Walford in shame.
Newman Version: Newman, at least, had the nous to ascertain that the immensely negative vibes from the viewers meant this storyline wasn't proceeding along the lines TPTB hoped it would, so she decided to cut the "affair" aspect short, but at the same time, lengthen the storyline and tie it into Branningville at Christmas. Two months ago, Shane Richie let slip that Alfie and Kat would feature heavily in a Christmas storyline. Early on, Ray Dixon was eliminated as a shagger suspect, after we were regularly presented with red herring hints that he was. Last week, Michael was eliminated, leaving the Branning brothers as remaining suspects.
Shaggerman was never going to be Ray or Michael. Were it one of them, it would mean impact upon people like Kim, who's supposed to be Kat's friend; Sasha, Ray's daughter; or Janine, who's already seen one marriage destroyed by a Slater. Besides, Janine wouldn't run away from a broken marriage; she'd stay and fight. Also, since there was a 60% chance of Shaggerman being a Branning and because the show's virtually now The Branning Show.
Think about the Branning aspect: Jack has a developing relationship with Sharon. Max is about to receive karma for his sins in Manchester. That leaves DelBoy.
Derek is the character Kirkwood created and one whom he's thrust down the viewers' throats since last November, to no avail. People thought Derek-the-Gangster was a joke and Derek-the-fairmly-man even jokier. But people also knew that Derek wasn't averse to a bit of skank (Rainie) and, compared to Rainie, Kat would be a step up. For someone not choosy like Derek, Kat would be a thing of beauty, if not a joy forever.
And Derek is the new Ben. Where Ben was previously involved in everything and all roads led to Ben, now Derek's stepped into the breach - because all the impending storylines that will come together in the Christmas clusterfuck involve Derek, and that means the revelation that he was shagging Kat.
Don't ask me or anyone else to justify her "feelings" that she developed. That ship, for EastEnders, sailed long ago when they sacrificed integrity for sensationalism. There'll be no sentimental link with Tommy, no reminder of Stacey. Instead, I'd wager that Kat "fell in lurve" with Derek simply because he had a big dick and knew what to do with it.
After all, if this is believeable with Jo Joyner ...
in another fictitious life, it shouldn't be too difficult to believe that Kat fell for a bit of horny romance.
But, really, Lorraine Newman should stop pushing that old chestnut of a lie that "no one knows or knew" Shaggerman's identity.
Because that's a load of bullshit, and people are smarter than that.
His philosophy was, simply and bluntly, this: There's a sucker born every minute.
Pretty harsh, but pretty accurate. People would be willing to part with their dosh to see anything sensationalist, whilst deeming it good. Bearded women, two-headed calves, Siamese twins, any freak of nature.
Well, it seems our Lorraine subscribes to that philosphy as well, which is pretty rank and pretty damned insulting, considering her punters are licence fee payers, who either have to pay up to the BBC or go to jail. With that in mind, Lorraine thinks it gives her licence (pun intended) to foist any old tripe on the unsuspecting viewer, tart it up as a mystery and then try to build excitement.
Had enough of "who's the daddy" or "who killed this or that character?" Here's something novel: let's have a well-known character who's deemed iconic have an affair, just for the hell of it - ne'mind her husband has done nothing wrong to merit infidelity - and let's guess who the shaggerman is. People will just be so excited - ahuhahuhahuhahuh - even moreso because it's Kat and we love her and we're just so excited she'll be having an affair - ahuhahuhahuhahuh.
As cheerleader-in-chief for the EastEnders' production staff and plant for them on Digital Spy, The Queen Vic, demanded at the start of this fiasco: "Is everybody warming to this storyline yet? It's so exciting."
Well, it's not and it never was. And, if anything, it was an insult to the intelligence of the viewer if Lorraine Newman and her writing room expected people to believe that this really really really was a mystery for everyone concerned and not even the writers knew who Shaggerman was going to be ....
Bullshit.
If you believe this piece of tripe that Newman and her cronies are attempting to spin on the public, then I've got a bridge in New York I want to sell you, because there's a word for anyone who believes shit like this and it's "sucker."
The cast and crew of EastEnders knew in March that the Christmas storyline was going to concern the Brannings. They knew from February that Marc Elliot wasn't renewing his contract, so they were already working on Chryed's departure. They knew that the Christmas Adventures in Branningville would include the disclosure of Max's deep dark secret of what happened in Manchester. The programme knew well in advance of its January announcement that Letitia Dean would be rejoining the cast, and by the BSA's in May, Scott Maslen knew that Jack was going to have a big romance.
My gist is that storylines are planned six months in advance of their filming. There is simply no way anyone would not know who Kat's porker would be well ahead of time because of characters' plotlines are well organised in advance.
Please don't point out the obvious sudden change in the Archie Mitchell murder. Yes, yes, yes ... we know that that was all originally intended to be Barbara Windsor's leaving line, but at the end of the day, it all seemed so mete and apt for Diederick Santer to write it up for the star of his show, Lacey Turner. But why and how? Because he damned well knew that Turner wasn't renewing her contract.
Of course, he did. Turner, herself, subsequently admitted that because she disclosed that she and Charlie Clements had decided that they would leave the show, if not at the same time, then during the same year. Santer would well have known that Turner didn't plan on continuing in the soap and was presented with a particularly lucky choice - let Peggy murder Archie or let the star of his show, Stacey. After all, both were leaving, so there was no choice really.
Kirkwood (and subsequently Newman) knew that Jack Branning was going to be the love interest for the new shallow-minded Sharon Rickman. There is no way he'd pork Sharon whilst risking an STD (and bedbugs) from Kat. Kirkwood (and subsequently Newman) knew that Max would have a big secret of his own to scare the shit out of him, a secret which meant he couldn't marry Tanya, as Jake Wood has, himself, admitted. Max would turn down Roxy Mitchell. Why would had want to sleep with a piece of old grunge like Kat? More, why would either of these men fall in love with an old slut like that?
Forget about the "oh-Kat-and-Jack-bonded-over-Tommy" shit, because that's what it was. Tommy wasn't Jack's son - end of story - and this malarkey had nothing to do with a child. It was all about sex; and, yes, I know Jack's been particularly prurient of late, but only with clean women.
As for Max, forget, also any inkling to Stacey. It's not Max.
It's Derek. It's always been Derek, and the writers have always known this from the beginning. This storyline was always ever only intended to implode upon as few cast members as possible. I've stated before my belief that Bryan Kirkwood intended the reveal to coincide with Jessie Wallace's leaving the show, that Kirkwood intended to axe her. Now, however, it seems that the storyline's been tweaked.
Somehow, Newman's managed to shorten and yet lengthen the storyline, and I'll show why. Let's look at the two versions of Shaggergate.
Kirkwood Version: Unbeknownst to Kat, Alfie finds out she's been having an affair sometime in the middle of October at the latest. He discovers the culprit is Derek Branning. Derek started the affair as a means of humiliating Alfie, who'd humiliated him by scamming him at his own game earlier in the year. Kat is publically exposed, as have been other cheating Queen Vic spouses - where else? - in front of a packed pub. Alfie kicks her out. Derek laughs. He has nothing to lose and blamks a sodden Kat as she slopes out of Walford in shame.
Newman Version: Newman, at least, had the nous to ascertain that the immensely negative vibes from the viewers meant this storyline wasn't proceeding along the lines TPTB hoped it would, so she decided to cut the "affair" aspect short, but at the same time, lengthen the storyline and tie it into Branningville at Christmas. Two months ago, Shane Richie let slip that Alfie and Kat would feature heavily in a Christmas storyline. Early on, Ray Dixon was eliminated as a shagger suspect, after we were regularly presented with red herring hints that he was. Last week, Michael was eliminated, leaving the Branning brothers as remaining suspects.
Shaggerman was never going to be Ray or Michael. Were it one of them, it would mean impact upon people like Kim, who's supposed to be Kat's friend; Sasha, Ray's daughter; or Janine, who's already seen one marriage destroyed by a Slater. Besides, Janine wouldn't run away from a broken marriage; she'd stay and fight. Also, since there was a 60% chance of Shaggerman being a Branning and because the show's virtually now The Branning Show.
Think about the Branning aspect: Jack has a developing relationship with Sharon. Max is about to receive karma for his sins in Manchester. That leaves DelBoy.
Derek is the character Kirkwood created and one whom he's thrust down the viewers' throats since last November, to no avail. People thought Derek-the-Gangster was a joke and Derek-the-fairmly-man even jokier. But people also knew that Derek wasn't averse to a bit of skank (Rainie) and, compared to Rainie, Kat would be a step up. For someone not choosy like Derek, Kat would be a thing of beauty, if not a joy forever.
And Derek is the new Ben. Where Ben was previously involved in everything and all roads led to Ben, now Derek's stepped into the breach - because all the impending storylines that will come together in the Christmas clusterfuck involve Derek, and that means the revelation that he was shagging Kat.
Don't ask me or anyone else to justify her "feelings" that she developed. That ship, for EastEnders, sailed long ago when they sacrificed integrity for sensationalism. There'll be no sentimental link with Tommy, no reminder of Stacey. Instead, I'd wager that Kat "fell in lurve" with Derek simply because he had a big dick and knew what to do with it.
After all, if this is believeable with Jo Joyner ...
in another fictitious life, it shouldn't be too difficult to believe that Kat fell for a bit of horny romance.
But, really, Lorraine Newman should stop pushing that old chestnut of a lie that "no one knows or knew" Shaggerman's identity.
Because that's a load of bullshit, and people are smarter than that.
Love your blog. And all of the above is spot on. Hilarious that anyone believes the writers didn't know from the start it was Derek and for any clued up viewer its been obvious. And if it ends up being anyone else all of a sudden then what we have seen in some episodes will make absolutely no sense at all. It's all there in the reasons you wrote and the body language of the actors when Kat and Derek interact and there has been some big clues in some episodes. Particulary last Mondays.
ReplyDeleteOMG, I wish I hadnt looked at that clip!! Poor Jo, having to jump into bed with that greaseball. (Although I am sure Jamie scrubs up better in real life). But what is it with Tanya? Why does she have to shag all the Branning Males as Jack does the Mitchell women? Poor old Jim, he'll be shaking in his hospital bed!
ReplyDeleteHave to agree with your thoughts on who knows the identity of the Shagger. To be honest, that article you linked to was insulting. If that is the thinking behind the scenes at the moment, no bloody wonder the show is in such a mess and people are leaving in droves.
They need to rehire a historian/researcher, a decent writing and creative team, grovel like hell to whatever remaining old characters they can get back and GET THE SHOW BACK TO BASICS!! Yes it would work. Show a younger person todays tripe and show them some of the orginal episodes. Most go for the earlier ones, we know this because its on WW and was on the now defunct EE Alt. There is a fan base there for it.
Meanwhile Emilia, I thank you for your continued updates and thoughts. Something I do miss on the other sites.
Professor Plum
I miss Alternative EastEnders. Trolls brought that site down.
Delete