This is the beginning of LolaWeek, and the Brannings are still skulking around. Looks like it's cold in Walford. Have you ever noticed that when it's cold, so cold that the women of Walford need to wear gloves, they always swan about in the cold with gloves on their hands, their coats open and their tits virtually hanging out. Maybe Katshit and Tanya ought to invest in nipple warmers...
Sheepskin Nipple Warmers for Tanya
Possum Fur Nipple Warmers for Katshit
Well, what were you execting? Mink? This is the skag-end of the market, remember?
This is supposed to be the week where we finally see resolution to Lexigate, but it seems the Brannings are pervading every aspect of the storyline and other storylines as well.
Here's a song for Lola ... or maybe Phil ... or even Alfie to sing to Roxy ...
Brannings to the Left of Us: Silly Billy, Lola, Miss Piggy and Big Bad Phil
Billy's back. Are we all pleased? We haven't seen Billy since the week before Chistmas, and I'll bet we probably won't see much of him in the aftermath of this, but it's nice to know Perry Fenwick hasn't been surreptitiously axed and demoted to "recurring character." Oh wait ... maybe he has. Who knows?
Billy is still giving skewed advice to an even more skewed Lola, showing us just how ... well, skewed ... his moral values have become. Who remembers when Lola first came to live with Billy? How she stole from local traders, rammed a car through Ian Beale's chippy window and blamed Fatboy (and got a job in the bargain), how she stole from Roxy at the salon, how she was rude and inveterately aggressive, only to be told proudly by Billy how much of a true Mitchell she was?
Well, now, after learning the hard way that you can's lip up to authority and live by your own rules, after being made to see you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, and after Lola's made such positive progress in minding her temper and in behaving in a more mature and responsible manner, Billy tells her to be a rude, gobby mare in order to make people sit up, take notice and listen to her.
Yeah, sure, Billy. And how long has it been since you've seen William and Janet? It's no wonder, with behavioural advice like that, that Honey keeps them close by her side.
Note the new toned-down Trish Barnes too, after the abysmal portrayal of a social worker which the writing room forced on us earlier; but note also, that stubborn, recalcitrant Lola gobs off, yet again, at her and Billy and runs off. OK, we get it. She's nervous, but these are people who are trying to help her and she goes out of her way to alienate them. Trish is right. Lola's biggest enemy is her temper. And the fact that she's easily distracted.
I'm not the biggest Lola fan. In fact, I dislike the character immensely, and hate the obvious spin job TPTB have done on the character, positively begging the public to forget all her previous rude and inappropriate behaviour, and pull for her now that she's a mother. Sorry, but being a mother doesn't automatically excuse rude behaviour. Still, I find the actress infinitely more watchable than Lorna Fitzgerald or Jacqueline Poor-Man's-Jennifer-Lawrence-Without-the-Talent Jossa.
Meanwhile, Phil and Sharon are preparing for court as well. Note the new toned-down Sharon - understated hairstyle, nicely-styled black ensemble, subtle make-up. She looked nice, and her lines and behaviour around Phil were much, much more natural than the forced and frantic attitude she assumes around Jack.
Speaking of which ... here comes the Brannings to the Left of us. Jack is sitting morosely on a bench, feeling sorry for himself. Tanya, the Yummy Mummy, who's supposed to be taking DamienDen to school, saunters upon him, hands gloved against the cold, coat open to reveal her cleavage. Tanya witness Jack witnessing Sharon give Phil a peck on the cheek. So Tanya takes Jack, with whom she used to sleep and with whom she spent a godawfully obnoxious year tormenting, bullying and humiating Max, home for some manual labour and her version of good advice.
Advice from a slut like Tanya is like expecting Cardinal O'Brien of Scotland not to diddle priests: pretty shitty.
Tanya reckons Jack and Sharon have "something worth fighting for" or rather somefink worf fi'ghing fer.
What? Sex with a stranger? More sex for a roof over her head,and sex to ensure her son has a bed to sleep in whilst Mummy gets down and dirty with Joker Jack on the sofa nightly? What does Jack really know about Sharon or her past? Precious little. Now we're witnessing poor, pitiful Jack the Victim - Brannings are always victims - even having Big Bad Phil give a little smirk as he passed him in the street after giving Sharon a peck on the cheek.
Because that Phil ... well, he's a scumbag, you know. Not ...
Here are Max, Jack and Joey Branning singing a song about Phil:-
(That's Jack and Joey under the bed, by the way).
Phil wants Lexi. But she's not a replacement for Ben, she's an atonement for Ben. He's wary of Lola, because she's young, she's foolish and - well, she has Billy for a grandfather. She's the runt's prodigy, and she's learned nothing from Billy, who encouraged her in her stealing and petty criminal activity, excused it because she was young, or in care, or pregnant or all three, and even stole, himself, to maintain her. Janine is supposed to be Billy's friend and looked out for him and Lola, yet he repays her by stealing via her credit card.
Phil's upper hand in Lola's situation is knowing exactly what buttons to push to make her react adversely. When she puts a foot wrong, she comes kicking at his door. Noted. When she's supposed to be caring for Lola, she's spending time gossiping with silly Abi. Noted. She shows up out of the blue, making demands and shouting the odds. Noted again. All noted down and relayed to the officiating authority.
This is not unjust. This is just fucking fiction. A means to an end in a story poorly written and researched; but it's the deus ex machina that moves Sharon on from BrannigVille back where she belongs: with Phil.
Observation: Is Poppy fulfilling the role of the wise fool whose simplistic reasonings offer a calming effect and wise counsel? Nah, that's too deep for this writing room.
Brannings to the Right of Us: The Wrath of Dot Be Sore Afraid.
Dot's having a spring clean of the tat Cora the Bora left, when Fatboy comes to call, bringing with him a brown envelope addressed to Dot from Walford Council.
Oo-err. That would be about their investigation into the spot of bother in which Cora the Bora, the drunken and hypocritcal old sodden lag, left her.
Dot hides the offending letter, unopened, in a drawer full of other unpleasant letters. All unopened.
Brannings to the Front of Us: Patrick's Very Good Year.
Here's a song Patrick might like:-
Patrick is smarting from his injuries and his pride being dented by being incapacitated in a wheelchair with a broken leg and arm. Denise is smarting from being accidentally thrown across the room by Patrick. For all the blood from her cheek on Friday, she's healed remarkably well. Patrick's feeling sorry for himself and also feeling ashamed of how he treated Denise. He's also coming to terms with the fact that he's now an elderly man, even though he has the mind and attitude of a young man, when he's ill, he'll take longer to get well; and when he's injured, he'll take longer to heal.
His carer means well, but Patrick takes umbrage to a foreign carer, who's command of English reminds him that he's an old man.
Step up to the plate, Max Branning - experts in all things important to elderly men who like a flutter at the bookies and a bit too much of the amber nectar. Max makes Patrick sort it with Denise, and the result is Denise and Kim are going to try to care for him, on their own and in their own way.
Ooo-err, as Dot would say.
Brannings Up the Rear of Us: The Queen of the Night Riseth on the Horizon.
Katshit wants the rent she's owed by MyAlice, who's working for Michael Moon, Prince of Darkness, for IOU's (to the amount of £250). In addition to the income from the stall, such as it is, Kat must be garnering the income from the rent being paid by Joey and Alice - neither of which have any dough.
I don't get why Katshit came knocking on Michael's door, looking for Alice when Alice told her she would ask MIchael for her wages. Instead, Michael, prior to something the Kat drug in showing up, tells MyAlice to take Janine's frocks and flog them. And take one for herself. (I thought she picked an appalling frock, by the way; but horny Michael seemed to be impressed. Now see where the manipulation is going? MyAlice is too snowed by what seems to be his appreciation of the way she looks (how dare he say Janine looked "fat" in that awful dress, considering most of the time he was with Janine, she was "fat" from being pregnant with his baby?). But the way MyAlice slithered down those stairs and handed Kat her arse about the rent was a priceless sight.
An even more priceless sight was a picture of Michael and the Queen of the Night on their wedding day, as a precursor to the fact that the lady, herself, returns next month. I can't wait for her to find that insipid little twit, MyAlice, swanning around the Square in her clothes, having been fucked by her husband, whilst babysitting her daughter.
MyAlice, meet a bitchslap from the Queen of the Night ...
Bring it on.
Meh episode.
Fine NZ product there, thanx for the plug ;)
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