Where do I start? A multi-millionaire Welsh television presenter and his seriously posh sidekick solemnly explain how gang culture is taking over Britain, involving many a young man between the ages of 16 and 24 ... except ... except ... Liam is supposed to be fourteen.
The gang are laughable, and Liam's just a stupid lunk, a victim of his mother's genes and defective DNA. This is karma, biting Bianca's ginger ass, for all the times she urged Liam to chuck a brick through a B and B window because they'd been evicted for non-payment of rent. This is karma biting Bianca's ass for encouraging Tiffany's cheek and rudeness. This is karma biting her ass for exiling her husband.
As for the gang, itself, they are typecast drama school character-actors-in-training, who'll always be destined to play "innit" types with Kane the Neanderthal reserved for that special hell of budget horror films that only make you laugh. Even their dialogue is stereotypical and add that to the fact that the BBC lack the "propah" balls to show a real EastEnd gang, made up of Afro-Caribbean or Asians and dealing in drugs, knives and sex-trafficking amongst underaged girls.
Instead, the BBC give us:-
The gang are laughable, and Liam's just a stupid lunk, a victim of his mother's genes and defective DNA. This is karma, biting Bianca's ginger ass, for all the times she urged Liam to chuck a brick through a B and B window because they'd been evicted for non-payment of rent. This is karma biting Bianca's ass for encouraging Tiffany's cheek and rudeness. This is karma biting her ass for exiling her husband.
As for the gang, itself, they are typecast drama school character-actors-in-training, who'll always be destined to play "innit" types with Kane the Neanderthal reserved for that special hell of budget horror films that only make you laugh. Even their dialogue is stereotypical and add that to the fact that the BBC lack the "propah" balls to show a real EastEnd gang, made up of Afro-Caribbean or Asians and dealing in drugs, knives and sex-trafficking amongst underaged girls.
Instead, the BBC give us:-
- Token evil black kid
- Token black kid with a conscience (who'll probably become a friend of Liam's)
- Token Asian kid
- Token biracial kid
- Token Anglo-Indian kid
- Token girl who happens to be black (killing two quotas)
All led by someone who looks as though he'd be jackbooting about in Doc Martens and hanging off every word Nick Griffiths and his British National Party have to say.
Please get real.
I don't know what was the more laughable instant in that six-minute charade: The token nice black kid, insisting:-
Me mum's cookin' oxtail ... propah.
Or Shitney and Carol showing up as the cavalry and Shitney calling Tyler for reinforcements, but rejecting Jack as a "bent ex-copper with a temper." No, Jack's brawling in the street with his brother over Tanya.
Actually, Shitney looked quite at home on that estate. And I'm sorry Tyler didn't show up. He could have been unintelligible with the gang.
Also, as they ran off from Bianca, I was disappointed not to see a few plies and arabesques, a few ballet moves; because I'm sure someone's gunning for a Brit version of WestSide Story, set in the EastEnd.
This should be the finished product:-
(It's nine minutes long and all.)
I daresay the plump posh presenter with Rob Bryden would have preferred that - culture to the hoi-polloi and all that ...
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