Well, it's nice to see mediocrity return, and with it, that piece of wood known as Jack Branning, the mouth-breathing, unintelligible knicker model known as Joey Branning ...
... and the insipidity otherwise known as MyAlice.
In other words, in the world of EastEnders' management, as we know it, simply cannot allow the audience to go more than one episode without being force-fed the Brannings as the premier family of the Square. Yesterday, we had what was arguably the best episode of the year so far, Mitchell-centric (with new Mitchells, as well as old), referencing past characters and their characteristics, with the two supporting vignettes concerning characters dating back to the 1980s and the show's inception or near as dammit.
Today, we're back in BranningVille, with their associated cohorts, the Moon contingent, making up the numbers. Where yesterday, we were cheering on the Sharon we knew and loved, the one for whom the Mitchells were created, the feisty and independent Sharon familiar to us all; today, we see the return of the Branning Satellite of Luurrrve.
This is what I mean by EastEnders' relative inconsistency at the moment. We have one or two decent episodes - good, by today's substandards - and then we have to endure absolute and embarrassing cack.
As long as this inconsistency pervades, then the show will never improve; but I get the distinct impression that this writing room and this Executive Producer are distinctly playing to the pits; these days, however, the peasantry in the pits makes your average Shakespearean peasant look like bloody Einstein.
There's performing ...
And there's EastEnders, where it's almost the middle of March, and they're still talking about the death of Derek, arguably, the most unpopular character ever in the history of the show.
The End of the Affair (or Is It?)
Well, since they insist on writing romcom rubbish for Denise every time she clicks with a man, let's have the ultimate romcom theme. Just imagine Ian Beale as Cary Grant and Denise as Deborah Kerr ... uh .... no? Yeah, right. I can't imagine that either ...
I guess that's what this will ultimately be, you know ... a love affair to remember. Already, they've written it, not as something passionate, but rather as something warm and cosy (which is how Lorraine Newman described the way she wanted her version of EastEnders to be). Denise wants companionship, and after chasing suicide blondes, household help, a mother figure and a lady of the streets, Ian's come home to roost, and we know he wants simple companionship as well.
This reminds me of another relationship based on companionship and comfort more than sex: Pat and Roy Evans. All was well and good until Frank sashayed into Pat's comfort zone again; and this is what I'm saying. I am utterly certain Ian wants a safe and comfortable relationship, after all his trauma. Jesus, he'd be tired after four wives and Mandy Salter and all her baggage; but I'm not so sure about Denise. She may settle for the odd glass of wine for awhile, but sooner or later, the delicious delights of Yam Man will tiptoe within sniffing distance, and then we'll be hearing the dulcet tones of Julia's Theme as she leaves in a black cab while Ian cries in the rain.
The romcom descended into a bad sitcom today, with Kim's imagination, fueled by Poppy's witterings and Shirley's nicotine cravings, went into overdrive. Now the night spent together has become a big secret, and Kim's thinking Denise scored big in the yam department.
This isn't clever. This isn't even cute. Foreshadowing: Bobby calls Denise "the miserable woman in the Minute Mart." Well, that's stage school Bobby in his latest incarnation. I seem to recall silent Bobby getting along nicely with Denise. Depends on the writer, depends on the day.
Fat Barbie's Back to Jack.
Hey, change "black" to Jack, and this song could be about Sharon and the Branning plan
He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head held high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to .... JACK.
Well, we all know why Jack the Peg's perturbed. Phil Mitchell smiled at the Prince of Darkness, and Michael Moon loves to stir, so he plants the thought in Jack's mind that Phil's pleasure has to do with a woman - which it does. It's not rocket science which woman, however, and Jack's insecurities and his controlling, bullying nature go into overdrive.
Honestly, the Luddites on Walford Web and Digital Spy who brand Phil Mitchell an open bully, need to look more closely at Jack Branning, Mr Passive-Aggressive - and yes, I'm looking at you, Jark, Callum, Bex and Wee Willie Wanker Slater-Mitchell, because passive-aggression is right up your alley.
Yes, Phil is smiling because Sharon gave him the magic kiss, which awoke him from the Grant Morphland in which he'd been sleeping, like a lumbering giant, for the past 13 years - well, 10 actually - and made him see the error of his ways. It's not an overnight epiphany, and Phil's not going to swan around the streets of Walford, spreading sweetness and light; but he's making reparations to Lola in his own subtle way, which is by paying lip service to the Social and then quietly letting Lola spend all the time she wants with her daughter.
Lola thinks this is calling a truce, and you know - hey presto! - the writers will start showing her in a more mature light. Billy still gurns, which is a great shame, because Perry Fenwick is criminally underused or used badly in whatever storyline surrounding him. Billy comes off, yet again, in this one as the ineffectual bantam rooster, who gets it wrong again. No surprises there.
And no surprises that Fat Barbie's reverted to her bimbo girl personality. No good her using her child as a shield to keep from sleeping with Jack after just enjoying a kiss filled with genuine passion (and not a hog snog the way she and Jack went rutting like two pigs the other day) with Phil). Jack's a Branning, not a Moon; and he knows about all those tactics.
It's obvious to the long-term viewer that Sharon runs (or rather waddles) away from Phil because she's afraid to confront her feelings. And this is most un-Sharonlike. After all, remember this from twenty years ago ...
She wasn't running from him then, and she was married to his brother, who was damned site scarier than Joke Branning ever could be.
Nah, this is the Branning Satellite of Lurve, Fat Barbie, Miss Piggie in full glory, who decides her fate lies with Jack as soon as she sees him interacting with fey DamienDen, the first of many stage school children to appear in tonight's episode. Denny needs a haircut again. His hair is in his eyes, and he's the natural heir to Ben's tap-dancing shoes.
But rather than cuddling Denny on his knee, shouldn't Jack, who whines that he's left holding someone else's baby, doing the school run, doing play dates etc, be doing all these chores with his own child who lives nearby? Is he actually content that Alfie is playing daddy to Amy? He hasn't seen Amy since I can remember. He hasn't seen Penny in two years, and she's only a 45-minute flight away or a drive through Eurotunnel. He hasn't seen Richard since he was born. Richard is two now, walking and talking. Portugal isn't a million miles away. Jack wanted to "get away" with Sharon. Maybe he could take her to Portugal to visit Richard and watch the spark re-ignite between her and Grant Mitchell.
So once again, Sharon returns to Jack out of pity for him and what she perceives as necessity for her. According to Damien Den, however, it looks as though she's repeating some sort of pattern here - scoop up a man, live with him, fight and then move on with her boy in tow.
Why do I begin to get an image in my mind of an old trout?
And on this International Woman's Day, I'm sure Jack would only be too happy to preen and hum this ditty about the Fat Barbie on his sofa bed:-
Nice one, Jack, because that's exactly the way the Brannings think and treat women in general; and nice one, Shazza, for regressing practically to the point of no return.
Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky, We Know the Brannings Are a Bunch of Punkies.
Hey, David Bowie was really writing about the Branning Brothers! Don't believe me? Look at the lyrics ...
Jack:
They got a message from the action man
I'm happy, hope you're happy too
I've loved all I've needed to love
Sordid details following.
Max:-
Ain't got no money and I ain't got no hair
I'm hoping to kick but the planet, it's glowing
Derek, the man, himself:-
I never done good things
I never done bad things
I never did anything out of the blue.
My mother said
To get things done
You better not mess
with the Branning sons ...
Unless you're a Mitchell, that is.
It's the middle of March, and Derek is still on the Square. His ashes, that is. Look, I know Bradley "stayed" a long time after his demise (and ended up on his skanky wife, Stacey), but Derek was universally reviled - both by the viewers and most of the inhabitants of Walford, including some of his family.
I mean, Pat was the lychpin of the Square, and as soon as she was in the ground, we heard no more about her; but nary a week goes by if we're not seeing MyAlice go all dewey-eyed about her dad - whom tonight she accurately portrayed as having been a complete stranger to her this time last year - or if she's not organising a memorial drink or a salute to his birthday.
Tonight, when the Prince of Darkness found the ashes tucked in a carrier bag behind the couch, he lost no time in apprising Carol of the situation. Please, let's dispense with Michael Moon as a sympathetic character, as some sort of prescient being masking his compassion with inappropriate facial ticks and expressions. He's simply not. He's psychopathic and a manipulator of the vulnerable, and - mark me - he'll be leaving Walford by the end of the year.
Carol is always watchable, and her interest in MyAlice saved a syrupy situation. Most actors up their game around the likes of Lindsey Coulson and Jake Wood, with the exception tonight of Jessie Wallace. I thought it was sort of quirky and weird that Carol would even ask Kat to accompany her and MyAlice to dispense with Derek's ashes, or why Kat agreed to go. She had a face like thunder the entire time and even admitted, tactlessly, that Derek wasn't her favourite person. But this is post-reveal Kat - in other words, the same old same old skank who never takes responsibility for the havoc she wreaks. Now that she can't blame Alfie or Roxy in this one, she's content to blame Derek for her own situation in front of his sister and his grieving daughter. It was never Kat's fault. Derek forced her, dontcha know? And that's rape.
Not far from Walford is some weird-looking common where Derek rescued a dog (and as if by magic, a scruffy dog appears just as MyAlice is getting ready to get rid of Derek) and where they lived in a prefab before it was torn down. And Derek was Carol's older brother. Yep, he started out that way. Then for a couple of years, he was younger. For a long time April was the oldest child, until Bryan Kirkwood retconned the family again and appointed Derek Lord
Protector.
Observation: Carol's got a boyfriend, but won't this be a conflict of interest as he's Bianca's probation officer? OMIGOD ... maybe he's the father in the new family ... maybe he's Danny Pennant's dad ... maybe he doesn't know his son is gay ... maybe maybe maybe maybe ... maybe he's Cora's son too ...
The Wrath of Dot Panto Continues
Dot can dish it out, but she sure can't take it.
The best scene of the night was the brief one in the launderette between Dot and Liam the Lunk. He got more encouragement and common sense from Dot in that scene than he's ever got from Bianca. Dot's message was that he has to face the unpleasantries he's encountering and conquer them, because it built strength of character.
Of course, she has to heed her own advice and open the brown envelope she's been hiding - only to find - zut alors! - the Wrath of Dot is being evicted. For £1000 in rent arrears and taking in lodgers? Surely something's wrong here? If she owed tens of thousands of pounds and hadn't paid for a couple of years, yes, I can see eviction; but of a thousand quid, some sort of payment arrangement could be made. And, of course, she'll get nothing from Cora - and she really shouldn't be averse to rubbing Tanya's nose in it, telling her what Cora the Bora, the feckless and stinking old drunk had done - although Dot's done wrong, herself, in taking in lodgers and not declaring the income.
It's a pantomime, and all week June Brown's been in panto mood - bobbing the head and goggling the eyes, and quoting Bible verse after Bible verse.
So where is Fatboy staying? Still in the B and B in close proximity of Denise?
Gangnam Style ... The Ultimate Joke
First, we'll get this ...
Then, we're sure to get this ...
Yes, we got the second view of Liam's gangabanga tonight, and - surprise surprise - EastEnders is being as politically correct and as unreal as possible. The gang consists ofdrama school typecasts a couple of black kids who look pretty weedy, a black girl (kills two quotas - that of the mandatory female and ethnic), an Asian kid, biracial kid and a couple of whites, one of whom, of course, is the leader and who sports the close-set, beady eyes, shaven head and low brow of a Neanderthal. His speech is so exaggerated Cockney that he almost makes David Witts intelligible.
They're so obviously fey, the clock starts now in countdown to how long it will be before the delicate little black critter who said he bit the Tube official on the leg, undertakes a perfect plie' whilst walking around the Square and the others leap and arabesque like the trained dancers they probably are, with Liam joining in. Too bad, Ben's in prison. He's missing all the dancing fun. Maybe they can recruit DamienDen.
Shirley's not impressed. Shit, Shirley could castrate them all, two at a time with her thumbs and forefingers, whilst kicking Miss Thang as far as a Bermondsey nunnery courtesy of her kinky boots.
Not impressed - with the gangabanga or with Liam, whose lunky acting style annoys me and whose flat head distracts me.
Once again, an epic fail for a Friday episode, except for the duff-duff, which Dot (rightly) got.
... and the insipidity otherwise known as MyAlice.
In other words, in the world of EastEnders' management, as we know it, simply cannot allow the audience to go more than one episode without being force-fed the Brannings as the premier family of the Square. Yesterday, we had what was arguably the best episode of the year so far, Mitchell-centric (with new Mitchells, as well as old), referencing past characters and their characteristics, with the two supporting vignettes concerning characters dating back to the 1980s and the show's inception or near as dammit.
Today, we're back in BranningVille, with their associated cohorts, the Moon contingent, making up the numbers. Where yesterday, we were cheering on the Sharon we knew and loved, the one for whom the Mitchells were created, the feisty and independent Sharon familiar to us all; today, we see the return of the Branning Satellite of Luurrrve.
This is what I mean by EastEnders' relative inconsistency at the moment. We have one or two decent episodes - good, by today's substandards - and then we have to endure absolute and embarrassing cack.
As long as this inconsistency pervades, then the show will never improve; but I get the distinct impression that this writing room and this Executive Producer are distinctly playing to the pits; these days, however, the peasantry in the pits makes your average Shakespearean peasant look like bloody Einstein.
There's performing ...
And there's EastEnders, where it's almost the middle of March, and they're still talking about the death of Derek, arguably, the most unpopular character ever in the history of the show.
The End of the Affair (or Is It?)
Well, since they insist on writing romcom rubbish for Denise every time she clicks with a man, let's have the ultimate romcom theme. Just imagine Ian Beale as Cary Grant and Denise as Deborah Kerr ... uh .... no? Yeah, right. I can't imagine that either ...
I guess that's what this will ultimately be, you know ... a love affair to remember. Already, they've written it, not as something passionate, but rather as something warm and cosy (which is how Lorraine Newman described the way she wanted her version of EastEnders to be). Denise wants companionship, and after chasing suicide blondes, household help, a mother figure and a lady of the streets, Ian's come home to roost, and we know he wants simple companionship as well.
This reminds me of another relationship based on companionship and comfort more than sex: Pat and Roy Evans. All was well and good until Frank sashayed into Pat's comfort zone again; and this is what I'm saying. I am utterly certain Ian wants a safe and comfortable relationship, after all his trauma. Jesus, he'd be tired after four wives and Mandy Salter and all her baggage; but I'm not so sure about Denise. She may settle for the odd glass of wine for awhile, but sooner or later, the delicious delights of Yam Man will tiptoe within sniffing distance, and then we'll be hearing the dulcet tones of Julia's Theme as she leaves in a black cab while Ian cries in the rain.
The romcom descended into a bad sitcom today, with Kim's imagination, fueled by Poppy's witterings and Shirley's nicotine cravings, went into overdrive. Now the night spent together has become a big secret, and Kim's thinking Denise scored big in the yam department.
This isn't clever. This isn't even cute. Foreshadowing: Bobby calls Denise "the miserable woman in the Minute Mart." Well, that's stage school Bobby in his latest incarnation. I seem to recall silent Bobby getting along nicely with Denise. Depends on the writer, depends on the day.
Fat Barbie's Back to Jack.
Hey, change "black" to Jack, and this song could be about Sharon and the Branning plan
He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head held high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to .... JACK.
Well, we all know why Jack the Peg's perturbed. Phil Mitchell smiled at the Prince of Darkness, and Michael Moon loves to stir, so he plants the thought in Jack's mind that Phil's pleasure has to do with a woman - which it does. It's not rocket science which woman, however, and Jack's insecurities and his controlling, bullying nature go into overdrive.
Honestly, the Luddites on Walford Web and Digital Spy who brand Phil Mitchell an open bully, need to look more closely at Jack Branning, Mr Passive-Aggressive - and yes, I'm looking at you, Jark, Callum, Bex and Wee Willie Wanker Slater-Mitchell, because passive-aggression is right up your alley.
Yes, Phil is smiling because Sharon gave him the magic kiss, which awoke him from the Grant Morphland in which he'd been sleeping, like a lumbering giant, for the past 13 years - well, 10 actually - and made him see the error of his ways. It's not an overnight epiphany, and Phil's not going to swan around the streets of Walford, spreading sweetness and light; but he's making reparations to Lola in his own subtle way, which is by paying lip service to the Social and then quietly letting Lola spend all the time she wants with her daughter.
Lola thinks this is calling a truce, and you know - hey presto! - the writers will start showing her in a more mature light. Billy still gurns, which is a great shame, because Perry Fenwick is criminally underused or used badly in whatever storyline surrounding him. Billy comes off, yet again, in this one as the ineffectual bantam rooster, who gets it wrong again. No surprises there.
And no surprises that Fat Barbie's reverted to her bimbo girl personality. No good her using her child as a shield to keep from sleeping with Jack after just enjoying a kiss filled with genuine passion (and not a hog snog the way she and Jack went rutting like two pigs the other day) with Phil). Jack's a Branning, not a Moon; and he knows about all those tactics.
It's obvious to the long-term viewer that Sharon runs (or rather waddles) away from Phil because she's afraid to confront her feelings. And this is most un-Sharonlike. After all, remember this from twenty years ago ...
She wasn't running from him then, and she was married to his brother, who was damned site scarier than Joke Branning ever could be.
Nah, this is the Branning Satellite of Lurve, Fat Barbie, Miss Piggie in full glory, who decides her fate lies with Jack as soon as she sees him interacting with fey DamienDen, the first of many stage school children to appear in tonight's episode. Denny needs a haircut again. His hair is in his eyes, and he's the natural heir to Ben's tap-dancing shoes.
But rather than cuddling Denny on his knee, shouldn't Jack, who whines that he's left holding someone else's baby, doing the school run, doing play dates etc, be doing all these chores with his own child who lives nearby? Is he actually content that Alfie is playing daddy to Amy? He hasn't seen Amy since I can remember. He hasn't seen Penny in two years, and she's only a 45-minute flight away or a drive through Eurotunnel. He hasn't seen Richard since he was born. Richard is two now, walking and talking. Portugal isn't a million miles away. Jack wanted to "get away" with Sharon. Maybe he could take her to Portugal to visit Richard and watch the spark re-ignite between her and Grant Mitchell.
So once again, Sharon returns to Jack out of pity for him and what she perceives as necessity for her. According to Damien Den, however, it looks as though she's repeating some sort of pattern here - scoop up a man, live with him, fight and then move on with her boy in tow.
Why do I begin to get an image in my mind of an old trout?
And on this International Woman's Day, I'm sure Jack would only be too happy to preen and hum this ditty about the Fat Barbie on his sofa bed:-
Nice one, Jack, because that's exactly the way the Brannings think and treat women in general; and nice one, Shazza, for regressing practically to the point of no return.
Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky, We Know the Brannings Are a Bunch of Punkies.
Jack:
They got a message from the action man
I'm happy, hope you're happy too
I've loved all I've needed to love
Sordid details following.
Max:-
Ain't got no money and I ain't got no hair
I'm hoping to kick but the planet, it's glowing
Derek, the man, himself:-
I never done good things
I never done bad things
I never did anything out of the blue.
My mother said
To get things done
You better not mess
with the Branning sons ...
Unless you're a Mitchell, that is.
It's the middle of March, and Derek is still on the Square. His ashes, that is. Look, I know Bradley "stayed" a long time after his demise (and ended up on his skanky wife, Stacey), but Derek was universally reviled - both by the viewers and most of the inhabitants of Walford, including some of his family.
I mean, Pat was the lychpin of the Square, and as soon as she was in the ground, we heard no more about her; but nary a week goes by if we're not seeing MyAlice go all dewey-eyed about her dad - whom tonight she accurately portrayed as having been a complete stranger to her this time last year - or if she's not organising a memorial drink or a salute to his birthday.
Tonight, when the Prince of Darkness found the ashes tucked in a carrier bag behind the couch, he lost no time in apprising Carol of the situation. Please, let's dispense with Michael Moon as a sympathetic character, as some sort of prescient being masking his compassion with inappropriate facial ticks and expressions. He's simply not. He's psychopathic and a manipulator of the vulnerable, and - mark me - he'll be leaving Walford by the end of the year.
Carol is always watchable, and her interest in MyAlice saved a syrupy situation. Most actors up their game around the likes of Lindsey Coulson and Jake Wood, with the exception tonight of Jessie Wallace. I thought it was sort of quirky and weird that Carol would even ask Kat to accompany her and MyAlice to dispense with Derek's ashes, or why Kat agreed to go. She had a face like thunder the entire time and even admitted, tactlessly, that Derek wasn't her favourite person. But this is post-reveal Kat - in other words, the same old same old skank who never takes responsibility for the havoc she wreaks. Now that she can't blame Alfie or Roxy in this one, she's content to blame Derek for her own situation in front of his sister and his grieving daughter. It was never Kat's fault. Derek forced her, dontcha know? And that's rape.
Not far from Walford is some weird-looking common where Derek rescued a dog (and as if by magic, a scruffy dog appears just as MyAlice is getting ready to get rid of Derek) and where they lived in a prefab before it was torn down. And Derek was Carol's older brother. Yep, he started out that way. Then for a couple of years, he was younger. For a long time April was the oldest child, until Bryan Kirkwood retconned the family again and appointed Derek Lord
Protector.
Observation: Carol's got a boyfriend, but won't this be a conflict of interest as he's Bianca's probation officer? OMIGOD ... maybe he's the father in the new family ... maybe he's Danny Pennant's dad ... maybe he doesn't know his son is gay ... maybe maybe maybe maybe ... maybe he's Cora's son too ...
The Wrath of Dot Panto Continues
Dot can dish it out, but she sure can't take it.
The best scene of the night was the brief one in the launderette between Dot and Liam the Lunk. He got more encouragement and common sense from Dot in that scene than he's ever got from Bianca. Dot's message was that he has to face the unpleasantries he's encountering and conquer them, because it built strength of character.
Of course, she has to heed her own advice and open the brown envelope she's been hiding - only to find - zut alors! - the Wrath of Dot is being evicted. For £1000 in rent arrears and taking in lodgers? Surely something's wrong here? If she owed tens of thousands of pounds and hadn't paid for a couple of years, yes, I can see eviction; but of a thousand quid, some sort of payment arrangement could be made. And, of course, she'll get nothing from Cora - and she really shouldn't be averse to rubbing Tanya's nose in it, telling her what Cora the Bora, the feckless and stinking old drunk had done - although Dot's done wrong, herself, in taking in lodgers and not declaring the income.
It's a pantomime, and all week June Brown's been in panto mood - bobbing the head and goggling the eyes, and quoting Bible verse after Bible verse.
So where is Fatboy staying? Still in the B and B in close proximity of Denise?
Gangnam Style ... The Ultimate Joke
First, we'll get this ...
Then, we're sure to get this ...
Yes, we got the second view of Liam's gangabanga tonight, and - surprise surprise - EastEnders is being as politically correct and as unreal as possible. The gang consists of
They're so obviously fey, the clock starts now in countdown to how long it will be before the delicate little black critter who said he bit the Tube official on the leg, undertakes a perfect plie' whilst walking around the Square and the others leap and arabesque like the trained dancers they probably are, with Liam joining in. Too bad, Ben's in prison. He's missing all the dancing fun. Maybe they can recruit DamienDen.
Shirley's not impressed. Shit, Shirley could castrate them all, two at a time with her thumbs and forefingers, whilst kicking Miss Thang as far as a Bermondsey nunnery courtesy of her kinky boots.
Not impressed - with the gangabanga or with Liam, whose lunky acting style annoys me and whose flat head distracts me.
Once again, an epic fail for a Friday episode, except for the duff-duff, which Dot (rightly) got.
I hate how all of a sudden we are supposed to believe Kat has this relationship with Alice so much that she would do something that visibly makes her stomach turn just for her... when did this supposed relationship develop? I hope this isn't part of her "redemption" being kind and caring to Alice she still watched her father die discouraged his son from running to his aid and acted put out when Alice wanted to go over the details of that night.
ReplyDelete