EastEnders: A Kiss Is Just a Kiss - Review: 07.03.2013

Gee, I feel a song coming on ... Here's a classic going out to Phil and Sharon and Denise and Ian:-

I must admit, I watched this episode tonight, simply to see the interaction between Phil and Sharon, and I come away saying this was the best episode of the week. Alas, I also have to admit, and most long-term viewers would agree, that this episode is mediocre compared to the great episodes from past years - well, at least up until 2002; but in this day and age of lowered standards, this counts as a good episode. 

It also highlights the writer's inconsistency, considering Daisy Coulam wrote last night's episode, which was trite, unfunny cack, filled with every kind of hackery; yet tonight, the girl done good.

Still, I long for the days of Sarah Phelps or Tony Jordan or Tony McHale, people who could write and write well for the likes of Sharon and the Mitchells.

It's a pity that dog doesn't bark anymore.

The Good

Fat Barbie and Mr Potatohead.

Moonlight and love songs - never out of date

Hearts full of passion - jealousy and hate

Woman needs man - and man must have his mate

That no one can deny.

 Finally, we see Sharon and Phil the way they are supposed to be written; finally, we see the chemistry break through all this stilted, business-arrangement conversation that's taken place since August. And along with the naked and open chemistry and dialogue that's familiar to anyone who's followed the fortunes of Sharon and the Mitchells since they began over twenty years ago, there were plenty of references and explanations which go a fair way, but not the whole way, in explaining Phil's regression into a caricature of Grant.

Two moments stood out in particular - the first, when Sharon and Phil were sat in the Range Rover, and Phil asked Sharon what she meant when she had remarked that he was't Grant. Sharon's answer was simply that Phil was too kind, too nice - referencing what she said to Phil all those years ago, when they were in the throes of their affair: that Phil was like the nice side of Grant, and that was what attracted her to him. It's also mete to remember that Grant had been knocking Sharon about during this time period, the reason being Grant wanted to start a family and Sharon wasn't ready; but the actual reason, as we understand today, was probably because Grant was suffering from PTSD.

For anyone unaware of the nice Phil Mitchell who fell in love with his sister-in-law and whose sister-in-law fell in love with him, try this on for size:-

Great piece of continuity there; shame there aren't more, as a whole.

As the search for Lola continues, Sharon returns to her old character, the feisty, honest person who feared no one, not even the Mitchells, the daughter of Den and Angie Watts. She wastes no time or words in telling Phil off about his attitude regarding Lola, especially concerning his motives at the recent hearing and afterward.

Now in this telling-off, one of the first accusations Sharon levels at Phil is that he's just like Grant. Sound incongruous, especially what she'd recently said to him? Not at all. Consider what she said and what he had said beforehand.

Phil reminded Sharon that Lola would take Lexi away, she would go, just like Louise was taken from him and just as Ben was taken from him when he was a toddler. Sharon retorted that Phil wasn't thinking about anyone involved in this situation - not Billy and certainly not Lola. This was all about himself and getting custody of Lexi as a replacement for Ben.

(Actually, I would dispute that. I don't think for a moment Phil wants a "replacement" for Ben, more that he wanted to atone for what he considers to be his failure as a parent to Ben, but that's another discussion).

It was then that Sharon levelled the accusation that Phil was then just like Grant - whenever some crisis would arise, Grant never thought past how it would affect anyone but himself and would barrel into the fray like a bull in a china shop, with nary a thought of any consequence to anyone but himself.

That's not incongruous at all. Many's the viewer who's remarked that Phil's personality morphed with that of Grant's when Grant left in 1999. The kinder, gentler brother devolved into a brute, reaching out and taking what he could, claiming it as his own simply because he could.

The irony of that accusation lies with Sharon, herself; it was because Phil could not have Sharon, that she always managed to elude him due to some circumstance, that aided and abetted his degeneration into what he's become today. Sharon, as the love of his life he couldn't have, has been the guiding light of Phil's devolvement. He married Kathy and had a child, but his infidelity with Sharon and its recurrence fueled Sharongate. His marriage failed. Lisa, Kate, and certainly Shirley, everyone pales before Sharon. Shirley understood that. She knew that Phil loved Shirley and that if Sharon showed up, Shirley would be toast.

The wake-up word that Sharon had for Phil was "monster", and he was quick to protest. It was as if he'd been sleep-walking (pun intended) for twenty years, only to have Sharon shout the magic word and bring him back to his senses, which results in him finding Lola (and the stiff doll playing Lexi) and end up comforting her with a hug.

Sentimental? Yes, but this is a soap. Let's see where this goes from here, but I, for one, enjoyed the familiary interaction and chemistry that's been re-established between Phil and Sharon.

Time for Jack to get the message:-

Pop Goes the Weasel

You must remember this

A kiss is just a kiss

A sigh is still a sigh

The fundamental things apply

As times goes by.

Hang on ... why were Denise and Ian trying to reach the skylighth window when just behind them, over the sink, was a window they only needed to break, if they couldn't open it?

Odd.

OK, once we got past the distinctly unfunny romcom shit - which they always do with Denise - this was actually a watchable vignette, especially the part where both Denise and Ian referenced their former partners.

The PR blurbs said Ian opened up about his time on the streets. He didn't, although he admitted going to counselling. He simply didn't want to talk about that period, apart from an anecdote about sitting in a church contemplating a statue of Christ and wondering if he should suffer as Christ suffered. Denise isn't the person to discuss that; he should have told Dot. And it's obvious that the last person whom Denise saw naked was Fatboy (immediate foreshadowing).

However, it was interesting to hear Denise and Ian discuss his most immediate relationship and her most successful one. Because they were totally the contrary to what has already been established. (Thus, we go from great continuity - Sharon and Phil - to discontinuity with Denise and Ian, in less than thirty minutes.

Speaking about Mandy, Ian assured Denise that the physical part of their relationship - what Abi would call the lovemaking - was fine, it was just the simple things - the hugs and kisses - that Mandy eschewed. That's not what actually happened with Ian and Mandy, and I'm not sure if this is Ian's ego talking or if the writer had genuinely forgotten/ignored what went before in yet another example of retcon deluxe.

Remember that Mandy told Ian on New Year's Day 2012, basically that he was crap in bed, compared to Ricky Butcher. Ricky Butcher! Also last year, Ian had an impotency problem with Mandy. He couldn't get it up.

(Foreshadowing  a bit - Denise shouting at Ian to "get up, get up.")

Also, Ian has traditionally not been good bedroom material. Every one of his wives were unfaithful to him. After Mel fucked Steve on Brighton beach, she was finished with Ian in the bedroom. Even Laura preferred, at one point, a knee-trembler with Garry Hobbs in the infamous alleyway. Jane admitted to Christian that Grant had more to offer in the bedroom department than Ian had, and Glenda, clearly frustrated, irritatingly asked Ian if his wives hadn't remarked on the paucity of his bedroom skills.

I can understand Mandy being funny about hugs and kisses. Mandy wasn't about that, basically because she'd never received her share of hugs and kisses in life, and prostitutes don't indulge in that sort of behaviour; but Ian and Mandy didn't have a wonderful sex life. It wasn't even good.

As for Denise, she is a woman who's always thrived on passion, which was what her brief association with Fatboy was all about. Cast your mind back to when Lucas was going out expostulating to prostitutes after having killed Owen and Trina. Denise was being ignored in the bedroom, and she mosied on over to the Vic to drown her sorrows. Shirley was serving behind the bar, and the two, fueled by booze, started a reminscence of their respective times with Kevin.

The best thing both women remembered about Kevin Wicks was how handy he was in the bedroom, how he always satisfied both of them; so Denise admitting tonight that Kevin wasn't all that great in the sack, was blatantly wrong. When Denise spoke about this to Shirley back in 2010, she was in vino veritas and speaking the truth. Obviously, this writer forgot that scene, but I didn't.

Like Sharon and Phil, Denise and Ian kissed, but unlike Sharon and Phil, theirs wasn't at all passionate, but slow and friendly. As Denise says, a kiss doesn't mean anything.

What was particularly significant was Denise's soliloquy about what she wanted from a relationship as Ian slept - stability, companionship, a bit of fun, someone with whom she could share a glass of wine and just someone who cared. This sounded like Minty when he married Heather/Hazel, except they returned from honeymoon only to have Minty gag after a couple of airline stewardesses. Denise likes her passion too, and as much as I like these two major characters, both criminally underused, together, I'm wondering if Denise becoming the fifth Mrs Beale will result in her leaving to Julia's Theme in a couple of year's time.

The Bad

Two Chavs and a Baby

Lola stole money from Phil, about fifty or sixty quid, according to Phil. She's on the run with a baby who hasn't got a change of nappy or any kind of food to be fed. No wonder she was crying; her nappy was probably full.

Lola snatched her on instinct, without thinking, and she ends up in a crack squat with drama school Alexa, another unpleasant little bitch, who demands money from Phil, hands over a twenty to Lola and suggests she stick around for a party, which results in silly Lola crouching in a dank bedroom, clutching Lexi as loud music is drummed, drummed, drummed into the room. Another piece of irresponsibility - she's not thinking how delicate baby's ears are and how much sound like this could damage Lexi's hearing.

As for Lola running to Alexa, Alexa was quick to know all about a hostel in Tottenham for homeless eople, so why did she think of running to the one person whose accusations had resulted in her losing custody of her child.

I'm still not a Lola fan, but I was glad to see the reconciliation at the end, and I hope they build on that.

Wee Willie and the Little Cock

They pfaffed about, uselessly, looking for Lola and achieved nothing. This gave Billy something to do, and gave us some background on the Little Cock, who used to be a bad boy, has a fierce teacher for a mother who kicks down doors to get him out of trouble, and both of whom use bad grammar regularly. Am I warming to him? No. Is he intelligible? No again. Is he necessary? Hattrick.

But what did I say about Ava the Rava?

Foreshadowing.

The Ugly

The Wrath of Dot and The Old Grey Hag

Make no mistake: this was a pantomime. With two pantomime dames. Cora with her salted nuts and her flask of booze vs Dot and her chain-smoking. Tell me, exactly who is still a slave to her addictions? Dot had one addiction she regularly fed; Cora had two, and there she was tonight, drinking and positively salivating at the smell of Dot's cigarette smoke.

Anyone with any inkling of common sense sussed that the culprit was Fatboy, and they've reprised the silly sleepwalking motif they did with Michael Moon in the middle of the babyswap, but he was faking it. I've never seen someone sleepwalk, but I always thought it was as if they were awake (i e, eyes open) but in a trance. Fatboy was strolling about with his eyes shut; the naked bit was supposed to be funny - at least we were supposed to laugh at Dot's reaction.

June Brown is in hammy mode again, eyes rolling, head bobbing. I suppose the aim of this storyline was to reconcile Dot with Cora, and Cora's grudging admission that Dot was as tough as old boots was meant, I suppose, to warm the cockles of our hearts to someone who's basically an opportunistic, nasty, selfish piece of jumped-up white trash; but Cora still hasn't apologised for not paying Dot's council rent, and Dot still won't face the reality of the council letter. Maybe she will when they're prosecuting her. 

And Poppy learned something the hard way tonight, something which Arthur should have known by now: you don't laugh at Dot. Laugh at Dot and risk the wrath of Dot. Remember when Dot threw Cora out before for laughing at her? Dot may be a religious Christian fanatic, but unlike something the Christian faith warns against, Dot is prideful, and Poppy's and Arthur's laughter at her reaction to Arthur spending the night with Poppy means Poppy's meadow is toast.

EastEnders really should abandon all attempts at comedy. This sucked. 

Otherwise, it was the best episode of the week, if only for the fact that it was the first episode this year which had no direct Branning character and only one insignificant Branning satellite.