BranningTown: Men In Drag - Review 21.03.2013

It's the anniversary episode ...

No, not Beethoven's birthday, but Heather's death day. Yep, one whole year has passed since Heather was getting her brains bashed in, courtesy of Ben Mitchell and a heavy duty picture frame emblazoned with the phrase "Best Friends."

Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?

This time last year, Alfie and Roxy were the couple of the moment, and we were just discovering their magical chemistry in the absence of Katshit, whose smell pervaded the pub. Shaggerman hadn't started. Derek was still alive. Zainab was still on the Square, having given Kim and Denise her inheritance from Yusef in order to mend the B and B. Patrick was staying at Dot's, along with Cora the Bora and Rose of the Wrinkly Neck. Lola was pregnant. Janine - oh, how I miss the Queen of the Night! - was pregnant also, and she and Michael were just about to get engaged (and sign a controversial pre-nup). Bianca and her kids were starving, but they'd just bought a new flat-screen telly and she was about to steal from the market and get sent back to prison. Phil was still with Shirley. Sharon had yet to return. Jack was crying because Roxy took Amy across the street.

So much has happened in one year. Alice and Joey had yet to arrive. Ian Beale was still with Mandy, planning a wedding that wouldn't occur. Annannee Moon had just slept with Amira.

One year on, and we've lost Ben, Andrew Cotton, Rose of the Wrinkly neck, Syed, Christian and Zainab. Derek is dead. Jack is leaving soon. So is the Prince of Darkness, and so is Yummy Mummy Tanya.

And everyone populating two fora - Digital Spy and Walford Web Bully Emporium and Kindergarten - are eagerly awaiting the arrival of the much-anticipated new fairmly.

Don't hold your breath.

Sharon Marshall wrote this episode, and she's one of the best writers on the programme. She knows what works for the audience and what doesn't. And she proved that, yet again, tonight. Another watchable episode, with only minor flaws - and those flaws are down to the EP's ego, and nothing to do with the writing tonight.

She's BACK! Shitney's Big Fat Gypsy Appearance Advice

It's the second day in lock-up and Liam's bladder is about to explode. It's no wonder he's banging on his bedroom door and shouting the odds, referring to his mother as "BiYanCur."

Bianca, meanwhile, is feeling guilty because of the failure she is, having smacked the shit out of Liam. Ray, who seems to be doing a lot of hanging around the Butcher abode these days, thinks Liam was violent with Bianca, and gives her a disapproving look until he finds out that it was actually Bianca who hit Liam. 

Oh, well, that's all right then, in Ray's mind. That's the natural order of things. As if things aren't going from bad to worse, Shitney, the child minder who knows more about parenting than parents, themselves, enters into the fray.

Shitney's always looked as though she needs a good scrub in a tub with some lye soap. Her hair is always dirty, her make-up and skin are oily and she dresses like the pikey chav she is  (plus, she's getting fat, just like her barrow boy squeeze, the unintelligible Tyler). ...

In fact, this should be the theme music we hear every time she's about to appear ...

Shitney should look so good.

Anyway, Shitney is absolutely certain that Liam will listen to her, and she volunteers to talk to him - so into the room, march Bianca, Ray and Shitney, only to be met with a bevy of home truths from Liam ... 

• Ray isn't his father. (True, and he has no right to interfere).
• And Shitney isn't his family. (Again, she's just the leftover from a man whom Bianca deceived.

Both of which admissions send the trio running to lock the door again, especially after Bianca's noticed that Liam's wearing a spanking new pair of expensive trainers and receiving loving messages from the West Side Story wannabes.

When Ray suggests that she needs help in dealing with Liam - as in professional help, Bianca, in true EastEnders' fashion, poo-poohs the idea. Counseling? Never! Even though Shitney makes a stab at being intelligent and says that her "counsellor" (whom she saw just once) told her that she should have talked to Bianca about Tony, so she encourages Bianca to talk to Liam.

Duhhhhhhhh ... Brain of Britain, she's been trying to do just that.

Still, Bianca's got places to go and people to see (meaning, she's got to get to the stall lest Tamwar give the pitch away), so she leaves a protesting Shitney to guard Liam (whereupon Shitney shows her innate selfishness and tries to protest).

However, left alone with Liam, he manipulates her sympathy.

His mum hit him. (He deserved it. You act like a shit, expect the fan to hit you.)

His dad won't even come to see him. (You dumbass, Ricky doesn't know about this, because your arrogant, putrid mother hasn't told him. Besides, she exiled him from Walford, and you know this).

All he wants is a hug ... from his "sis". (Something he's never called this filthy chav before).

And Shitney the Omniscient and Omnipotent opens the bedroom door.

And Liam scarpers, probably at the thought of hugging a dirty bitch like Shitney.

Aunt Esther Ava the Rava and Pops Goes a Weasel.

Hee-eee-rrrres Ava!

Just like a jack-in-the-box, Ava the Rava pops up all over the place. Seems as though Bianca doesn't actually work on the stall today, and it looks as though Ava the Rava's bunking off her job as whatever she is at Walford Primary, because she ends up in the Vic with Bianca. Yep, Bianca's drinking away her money and moaning about Liam.

Ava the Rava's all over the place. And mysterious. One moment, she's sounding as common as much - pronouncing "things" as "fings," and that's something a teacher would never do, especially someone who's been raised in leafy middle-class Surbiton. The next moment, she's sounding like a textbook on child psychology, telling Bianca that all she has to do is love Liam, prove that she loves him, convince him that her love is true, whilst whatever the gang promises is nothing.

But Bianca protests that Liam 'ates her. Well, he hates her. Ne'mind, assures Ava, he'll come around and he'll see the error of his ways. Of course, Ava's shocked to the core that a common little chav with anger issues actually smacked her kid, but she reassures her that it's ok, because Bianca had struck in love, not in hatred. Uhhhh ... how about in anger?

The other dippy thing about this scene is that she never actually told Bianca how she got the Little Cock, present in all his unintelligible glory as a mummy's boy, through his gangabanga dilemma ... she just mumbles something about love and the help of family.

Family?

Now, this is interesting, because we've never heard anything about Ava's family. Presumably, she meant the white folks who brought her up, because we know that Little Cock's father did a runner when he was a baby. Most interesting, indeed.

And of course, throughout this entire vignette, we have Billy horning around in the background, having developed a sudden romantic crush on Ava the Rava, to the point that he's just standing at the bar of a near-empty Vic, staring at her.

So, the jack-in-the-box analogy is apt - we've got "Pops" the weasel popping up whenever Ava the Rava, a tag-on character with no purpose, pops up too. Maybe they can play jack-in-the-box in tandem.

Instead, Billy runs off when confronted unintelligibly by the Little Cock.

Ava the Rava and Billy as a couple ... How frightening is that? This frightening ...

Fat Barbie and the Fragrant Tanya

For months now, we've watched the totally false and unnatural friendship of Sharon and Tanya develop, as Sharon was sucked forcibly into the fatal vortex that is the all-consuming Branning family. As long as Tanya was loved up with Max, and as long as Sharon was fucking and sucking on Jack, they could be friends. After all, the worst thing that could  happen would be that Sharon would eventually fuck Max, and what's a shared spouse amongst fairmly? Fairly common in the Branning family.

Now, the claws are subtly out, as far as Sharon is concerned. The Fragrant Tanya (thank you, Kirsty, for that epithet) has had a date with Phil, whom Sharon loves but whom she's too cowardly to tell. For some reason, she stubbornly clings to Jack, who forgets his responsibilities to his blood children and seeks to cosset DamienDen.

Fat Barbie is jealous. She's even more jealous whan Phil asks her to babysit Lexi all night long, so he can spend time with a person who interests him. (Please, knock off the off-the-shoulder tops again, for Sharon. No wonder Phil chose to spend an evening with Tanya rather than Sharon. Tanya's chubby-running-to-fat, but Sharon looks like an NFL gridiron linebacker in drag.)

Fat Barbie is jealous, and Phil's playing her like a fiddle.

And of course, Kirsty wastes no time in telling Max that Tanya's new squeeze is Phil Mitchell, which is like waving a red flag to a bull. Max always wants what he can't have. An absolutely ideal situation for Max would be to waver between Kirsty and Tanya, with both women willing to share. One night here with Kirsty for some dirty-and-down sex ... another night across the Square for a family dinner with Tanya and the kids.

Tanya has Phil around for dinner, after telling Sharon previously (when she had no dinner plans) that she was on Oscar duty that night, as Abi was out (fucking Jay across the road where Max was with Kirsty), Lauren was out (fucking her cousin Joey) and Cora the Bora was out drinking whiskey and pretending to be Monsieur Albin from La Cage Aux Folles.

OK, so Phil comes around,and everyone's out ... but where's Oscar? He's not with Max and Kirsty - they're across the way, with Kirsty tucked into bed with a glass of wine and Max staring out the window. He can't be with either of his sisters, learning the facts of life the hard way. And he certainly wouldn't be with his grandmother.

Is Oscar also locked in his room?

Anyway, Tanya fixes her staple easy-cook dinner: pasta, with sauce made from a Ragu jar, and frozen garlic bread. Oh, and she even offers Phil a glass of wine, knowing he's an alcoholic. Sat at that table tonight, I saw two alkies - only one was recovering and the other in denial. Before Tanya's dinner and before Max had entered the house ("his" house - no, Max, Jack owns the house) to shout the odds, Tanya had some Dutch courage in the form of a stiff whiskey. Then she proceeds to drink a couple of bottles of wine. Before dessert, she stumbles onto the sofa with Phil, clutching a whiskey, only to find out from Phil that he'd shared a passionate kiss with Sharon - but, hey, it meant nothing. What man wouldn't fancy a kiss from a beautiful blonde? (And Tanya, who always thought highly of herself, takes this as a compliment).

Then, irking Max, who watches from the street, she stumbles upstairs to smear some lipstick onto her fat lips, with another glass of wine, and by this time, so drunk that she can barely stand up, when Phil comes following her to ask for dessert. He helps her onto the bed, and she sucks his face.

Tanya is drunk and horny and to her, Phil is a meal ticket ... as in having a fat wallet to feed her middle class aspirations. And Phil is deliberate. That disclosure of Sharon's kiss wasn't an accident, having encouraged Tanya's jealous questioning about Sharon's past and her boyfriends. Phil's an apt liar too, referring to Sharon in the past tense. 

Sharon might be pathetic this time around, but Tanya is the epitome of a pathetic, shallow woman. Phil Mitchell knows this too.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Shirley.

She's back. She's grieving. It's the first anniversary of Heather's death, and she's going to make damned sure that everyone is as miserable as she - because misery loves company.

Shirley hangs around the Square today like Banquo's Ghost emitting a bad smell. She snarls at Masood and Ajay, one of whom had no knowledge of Heather (because he wasn't living on the Square) and the other, because he really couldn't care less. She snarls at Tanya because Abi's dating Jay, who ran away from the murder scene. Shirley's upset because Heather's dead and everyone's sending Ben birthday cards.

Including Phil, whom she confronts.

It turns out to be a pretty sorry day for Phil too, as he's planned to give Ben the surprise birthday present of a daughter, and invites Lola and Lexi along for a day out at a prison. Ben won't see Phil, but he'll see Lola. Sharon Marshall gets Unseen Ben in the way no other writer on the show would have - demanding that Lola choose between Ben or Phil, saying he didn't want Lexi around Phil, because Phil was toxic as a parent. (And Ben isn't? Ben's a murderer, something Phil isn't).

So Lola chooses Phil. Smart girl.

But Shirley has to get her tuppence in, snarling at Lola for visiting Ben, snarling at Phil, when she, herself, had the wherewithal to ensure Phil got his just rewards by telling the police of Phil's part in covering up Ben's involvement in Heather's death. Shirley chose not to do that, because Shirley still loves Phil; and she's bitter and twisted now, not because of Heather's death, but moreso because Phil doesn't love her.

Even though she was given words of wisdom on grief and rememberance by Patrick the Patriarch, it's clear Shirley's more interested in hanging about Walford like a bad smell, in hopes of pointlessly baiting Phil ...

No, Phil's encounter with Shirley tonight wasn't "complicated;" it wasn't some part of an intricate love affair that only exists in a certain Digital Spy forum member's torturous mind; and it doesn't herald the beginning of a beautiful love affair between a hatchet-faced harridan and Mr PotatoHead.

And, no, Shirley doesn't know about Saint Dennis.

Not The Chuckle Brothers.

Now we know how TPTB intend to use the Masoods - or at least, Ajay and Masood. As unfunny comic depictions of Men Behaving Badly, Asian-style. All the faux concern in getting the ineffectual Tamwar lessons in self-defence, simply boiled down to two horny middle-aged men fancying a fit kung fu instructor.

That was butt-clinchingly embarrassing, and the Masoods deserve better. If this is the best you can do with Masood and Tamwar, then axe them now. As for Ajay, whom someone on Walford Web Bully Emporium amazingly describes as "vibrant," he's stale bread. I wouldn't describe him as "vibrant" as much as annoying and pointless.

Good episode, however.

Final Observation: Max shouting off about Tanya allowing a desperate alcoholic potentially to enter the lives of his precious children was rich in irony. He need look no further than his children's mother for that to happen. Tanya's family breeds alcoholics. And as for Phil being a criminal thug, well, Tanya's the only one who's attempted murder, and by a particularly nasty means.