BranningTown: Fat Barbie & the Bitches: Review - 18.03.2013

Last night, I had something better to watch on television, so I eschewed EastEnders. No, it wasn't Coronation Street - that's planned for later. Instead, I watched a docudrama on BBC about the Challenger disaster back in 1986, the space shuttle that blew up in flight, killing all aboard, including the first civilian astronaut, Christa McAuliffe. On the panel which investigated the disaster was Dr Sally Ride, the first American woman to be an astronaut.

I don't expect either of these women, both now dead, to mean anything to the numpties who populate the devoted EastEnders' following - your hyuck hyucky shippers like xTonix or the fruit flower troll ...

or even old trout trolls like ...

Ride and McAuliffe were educated women who had better things to do with their lives than think about the next man who was going to support them or hang about cafes drinking tea and bitching.

It seems that every time I watch EastEnders, the women on the programme have regressed even further.

Even more disturbing, this weekend a judge in Steubenville, Ohio, sentenced two teenaged boys to prison sentences for inducing a teenaged girl to drink until she was literally comatose, then raping and sexually abusing her, including sending pictures of her naked body covered in semen over the internet. That's more than pornography, that's child pornography. The disturbing thing about this terrible incident is that there are people in the media who felt sorrier for the rapists than they did for the victim.

Go figure that one.

That child was a true victim. Yet we're asked to pity total asshole entitlement queens like Katshit and Bianca.

Yep. EastEnders is moving forward with the times. Not.

Fat Barbie

Fat Barbie Miss Piggy Sharon's been away, it seems. With the plank otherwise known as Jack the Peg. I guess they must have been away for the weekend, as it's a schoolday, and she doesn't seem too fussed about DamienDen going to school. Does any mother ever give a rat's arse about educating their children in Walford? I guess the future of Britain, according to EastEnders is a population of ignorati. Oh, well, I guess that's the sort it takes to like this tripe ... or as xTonix would say ... hyuck hyuck.

Honestly, though, Sharon keeps DamienDen home from school on the flimsiest excuse. Tanya up and disappears for weeks with gurning Oscar, who's also in school Why aren't truant officers and social services knocking on their doors, threatening Fat Barbie and the Yummy Mummy with prison?

Anyway, Fat Barbie Miss Piggy Sharon may have spent the weekend being shafted by a wooden peg, but her mind's been elsewhere, as is shown by the disappointment on her face when she waves at Phil, who doesn't respond.

Phil's been being kept awake by a fretful Lexi. He can't figure out why she's crying. (Hint: she's 8 months, Phil; she's teething).

TPTB, this time around, have fucked up Sharon royally. Jeff Povey has been a writer for the show for some years, but the Sharon shown in this episode was not the Sharon most long-term viewers know. This was Bimbo Sharon. This was Bitch Sharon. This was some over-made-up, blowsy, perma-tanned barfly who wants her cake and wants to eat it too. She fucks one man, but thinks about another, yet demands that the man in her head acknowledge her. When he doesn't, her ego is as big as she is broad and she convinces herself that Phil's ignoring her is down to him being in a sulk about the kiss they shared.

Anyone who's head wasn't that far up her fat arse could see, when she looked at Phil in the cafe, that he was bone-tired; but I don't suppose she ever had a moment's worry about DamienDen's teething pain. That's because he was probably born with a full set of teeth and his shit doesn't smell. She's so annoyed that Phil isn't giving Jack the fish eye and in his face in fits of jealousy, she doesn't know what to do.

So she decides to stir trouble for Max and Kirsty, for no other reason than she can. She was positively rude to Max, and even ruder to Ian, who is the oldest friend she has on the Square. She is so far up the Brannings' collective ass, especially Jack and Tanya, that someone should smack her wobble chops again and again until she wakes up from her stupor and realises what an asshole she's been. She wastes no time running to gossip to her new BFF Tanya about Max possibly renting Mrs Olabummi's flat, which is a hop, skip and a jump away from Tanya.

Of course, she poisons Tanya's mind about this being Max's way of rubbing her nose in it with Kirsty, no mean bitch herself. And what's her big piece of advice as to how Tanya can cope with Max and his wife living on her doorstep? Why, get a man, of course ... in Sharon's words, isn't that what every girl does?

Er, no, Sharon, it isn't; and there are quite a fair few women in the world today who have achieved success without squirming under a man in order to do so.

She was cringeworthy - never moreso than that butt-clinchingly embarrassing scene in the near-empty Vic (populated mostly by Brannings and their satellite of lurrrve) when she announced to everyone and a surprised Jack, that they were marrying in the R and R (how romantic not) in three weeks' time.

Line of the night: Time to walk me up that aisle, babe. (Said before she began to flesh-eat his face).

Yuck.

I never ever thought I'd ever see the day when I hated Sharon and wanted a sinkhole to open and swallow her Fat Barbiness up into oblivion. And I would curse Simon Ashdown for even thinking that planting Sharon amongst the toxic brew that is the Brannings just to validate them would be a good idea. I curse him from the depths of Shakespeare.

She's Here, She's There, She's Every Flaming Where ... Ava the Rava

What I'm wondering is when Ava the Rava becomes Chava the Rava, because I think she's a secret Chav.

Or maybe she should be SuperAva, coming to a phonebox near you. 

Look, up in the sky ... It's a bird ... It's a plane ... It's Mary Fucking Poppins ... NO, it's SuperAva, who pops up anywhere, anytime a Branning is in trouble - if not to help, then to offer sarky comments about their predicament.

A couple of weeks ago, she was Whitney's (a near-Branning) boss in the community centre. Tonight Bianca has a meeting with Tiffany's teacher and - you guessed it! - up pops Ava. Question is, I don't rightly remember Bianca knowing who Ava is or even being introduced to her, certainly not enough to know her on a first-name basis.

My other question is thiis: Is Ava now the Deputy Head at Walford Primary? Because Bianca made some cryptic remark about Ava not even being "proper staff."

And she may be Ava, but to Bianca the Proud, she's just another figure of authority to be flouted, taking umbrage at her concern that Tiffany and Morgan were late - ah, but Bianca reckons they were only a few minutes late. Late is late. School's about time-keeping. The fact that Bianca takes such umbrage as criticism of her parenting skills and lack of discipline means she doubts her ability as a parent, herself, and she's just now seeing what colluding with her kids, instead of tough loving them has achieved.

And why am I not surprised that, as Ava confided, Little Cock was in a gang. Zut alors! The next thing EastEnders will be having us believe is that the Deputy Headteacher at a London primary school, who - most likely - makes a wage of upwards of £75-80k per annum, lives on the same Byron sink estate as Kane the Neanderthal and the West Side Story wannabes. As fucking if ... but wait ... watch this space.

Ava is the Thomas More of Walford, a true woman for all seasons. Can you imagine that head on a pike?

Lullaby for Liam the Lunk

Bianca is really reaping what she's sown. This is the result of a household without discipline. So I find it hard to feel sorry for Bianca.

One thing bothers me about this entire storyline - the fact that Ricky's name hasn't even been mentioned. His son is off the rails, and Bianca doesn't even think to enlist his aid and help, his emotional support in dealing with Liam. Liam and Ricky always had a special bond; and Ricky, himself, got caught up in a racist gang when he was a few years older than Liam (the result of being rejected as unsuitable boyfriend for Shireen Kapoor).

The fact that Ricky's been exiled from his children's lives and London by a whim of Bianca (whose infidelity was much worse than Ricky's) and on the say-so of a bitter and twisted Carol is mind boggling. The fact that she's involved Ray in this is insulting and maybe a bit not too bright. As I'll keep reiterating, this is the same Ray who told Liam that if he were his son and truanting, he'd get a smack. Nice one, Ray.

Liam stays out all night, rehearsing for his big number in West Side Story ...

And there they are, waiting on Bianca's doorstep, just to perform for her, the end result of which sees Ray and Bianca lock Ian in his room, just like Pete Beale and Dot lock (or rather board) a heroin-addicted Nick Cotton in his room some twenty years ago.

Deja vu?

Well, isn't there a window in Liam's room? He could easily escape. Nick wasn't the brightest lightbulb in the pack, but he managed to remove the boards from his window and escape, just in time to kill Eddie Royle.

Who says stories can't be recycled?

Katshit and Krusty

Kat's a bitch. In fact, she's probably the biggest bitch running on the Square at the moment, with a close second coming from Krusty Branning.

The house Kat shares with Alice and Joey, both of whom are working, is a tip. So much for them being bone-idle, but when it seems that the place is always strewn with Tommy's toys and that's down to Kat.

Kat's rich to lecture Alfie on his insistence to get a contact order so he can see Tommy. She's rich to insist that Alfie trust her.

Trust her? She is so damned arrogant that she cannot or will not remember Alfie telling her weeks ago that, although he loved her, he couldn't trust her, and that was the crux of a marriage. The first instance of that trust being tried tonight was Alfie walking into the Slater house, via an open door and finding Tommy sitting alone on the couch. Alfie was right - the child could have toddled out the open door, and Kat was nowhere to be found.

Which makes Kat's assertion to Alfie that, although she might have "messed up" her marriage, she was a good mum, when she wasn't. Of course, she blames the open door on Joey (nothing's ever Katshit's fault - no change there); but she only ever "mothered" Tommy when she wanted to use him as a shield or a weapon against Alfie. He's right not to trust her on this one. If he looked at her the wrong way, she'd deny him access to Tommy. Look how Tanya uses the kids against Max whenever he slips up.

She is so fucking narcissistic that she gets insulted when Alfie won't trust her. Scene of the night goes to the exchange when Kat was half-heartedly apologising to Alfie, after acting out in the pub against his action to see a solicitor, when she assures Alfie that he can trust her to let him have access to Tommy, and Shane Richie just stares dubiously at her throughout the entire scene. 

The other scene of the night was Michael Moon telling her a few home truths. I don't like Michael, and I won't miss him, but he was spot on, telling her that Alfie was right not to trust her, based on her behaviour, insisting on waiting for Roxy to return with Tommy and Amy, and drinking double vodka after double vodka, provided free by her new BFF Krusty.

As well, she's a flaming bully, the way she treats Tamwar. She couldn't be arsed to listen to her so-called business partner, Bianca, when Bianca had told her that she had an appointment with  Tiffany's teacher. She even rang her to remind her, but Katshit was too caught up in her own navel-gazing to even bother to go to work. It's not Tamwar's problem that she couldn't get her act together. He was doing his job, which is to allow casual stall-holders to set up if a regular didn't bother to show. Kat might have a child to support, but so might the woman who set up in her stead. And Tamwar shouldn't have to phone her when she's late. He's her boss, not her parent, and she's an adult. Oh, and how patronising to call him "boy."

I wish Lorraine Newman hadn't been so arrogant as to think we want to see this spent bitch repaired and moved back to the centre of action. She is just about the vilest thing going on this programme, and she's hated.

As for her new friend, Krusty, she's just devolved into bitch status. I've stopped caring about the ever decreasing circle of dysfunction and co-dependence that is Krusty, Max and Yummy Mummy.

Ian the Same Old Same Old

Wanting to go back to the entrepreneurial suit in order to impress a woman. Where have we seen this before?

Final and BIG Observation: The entire ethos of Bianca's concern for Liam came out when she was urging him to get up and go to school - put simply: if he didn't she'd get in trouble. Because at the end of the day, this is what this whole malarkey is about - if Liam's caught truanting enough, Bianca can go back to prison. If that weren't on the cards, she'd have been none the wiser for him bunking off school in the first place. After all, she encouraged him to work illegally rather than carry on with school when she exiled his father last year. Stupid cow.